My Mom (80) has angry outbursts with me then denies they ever happened. Any advice?

Well John, YOU know you didn't make those incidents up. But your mother's brain is no longer functioning properly. She doesn't know it and she is losing her ability to reason. No amount of explaining is going to convince her. Give that up -- it won't change her and it only frustrates you.

Staying away for two days might be a very good strategy with many care-receivers, to make a point about that you will not be treated that way. But as you are finding out, it doesn't often work with persons who have dementia. They just can't learn that lesson. She will remember the feeling of being abandoned but not the reason why. Having lots of bad feelings floating around contributes to more angry outbursts. You can't win!

She got the wrong candles? Try to sooth her. "Oh Mom. That is a shame. Let's go out together and find the right ones. I know how upsetting this is, but we can make it right." She slams the door in your face? That is really a rude thing to do. But dementia takes away the inhibitions that keep most of us polite most of the time. Instead of staying away for two days, which she won't at all understand or connect to her behavior, which she has forgotten, how about coming back in half an hour? Don't bring the incident up.

Join the rest of the family in kinda ignoring her outbursts. Strive to keep Mom calm. Don't worry about who was right (you, almost always) and who is wrong. Help Mom feel that she is loved and she is safe and she won't be abandoned over things she cannot help.

Thank you for the helpful words. I do want to clarify my sister never sees my mom, once in 10 years and my brother maybe 2x a year if I take her to see him. I meant she is angry because they ignore her but won't say anything to them but piles it on me. I have for years handled her anger at others but these last 2 times seemed so ridiculous I needed a breather.

John, I had that exact conversation with my husband yesterday!

I do enjoy telling him that he's wrong, but the results aren't worth the momentary satisfaction, so I try not to.

Come here and tell us all about her outrageous behavior. We understand.

It took me forever to get it through my thick head that my mother really did not remember some of things she said and did, but what is important as Jeanne pointed out, it is the feeling, they always remember the feeling, anger, sadness, shame, feeling stupid. She is going to need your help more and more, best to start really getting yourself educated to dementias, forewarned is forearmed. She probably feels safe enough with you to abuse you, weird but true.

John, what you see is moderate dementia, and it only goes downhill from here. It's time to go with her to the MD, it's time to take a good look at her medications and most importantly, it's time to take her keys away. When she is nasty, don't tell her two days later, tell her when it's happening. Say " I think I better go now and I'll come back when you feel better." and calmly get up and go.

I don't blame adult children that don't visit. She really doesn't sound very pleasant and I bet that you don't want to be there yourself. It can actually effect your health, negatively. She really needs to have round the clock care. Here in Tucson, almost every week, some elderly person wanders away or drives away, and it is heart breaking for the family.

If she is no longer able to take care of herself, her doctor needs to step in and get her into a nursing home.

Thanks to all of you, it really helps just to know you are not alone

John it is very good to know you aren't alone and not crazy, an awful spot to be in, especially if you are doing this alone. My mother had my head turning like in the exorcist, she had people believing her stories about me not feeding her, poisoning her, yada yada yada, it is very hurtful, and also remember the "showtiming" aspect which will really make you wonder if you are on mars.

Ignore.....I'm with you in this. Very Frustrating because they can seem so "rational" at times and they are really out of their heads. Good liars, and swearers though. It's their reality I guess. I call it the alternate universe or trip to the twilight zone.

Ignore, ignore, ignore!!

Don't give up, remember it's all temporary..

Before my mums diagnosis my brother who does nothing to help here called me a "nutcase". Infact all family turned against me and thought i was the cause of mums illness?
Yep you gotta be strong to do this but nobody is that strong its bloody hard work!