Pleasing, Aging does not make people nicer. If your mom left her husband on the floor for two days to teach you a lesson, she is/was an abusive B. Sorry for the bluntness.
Age and illness makes people more frail and they seem more pitiful, they are still the same people. After they pass, we prefer to remember the good times so we sanctify them.
When she is mean, just walk away. Tell her you will not put up with rude or mean behavior. Most importantly do not let her disposition embitter you. Unfortunately bad behaviors are learned. Stay positive
Pleasing2 - Your mother is the expert at making you miserable because she raised and created you for that purpose. I assume she is not actually the Devil, but just an unhappy person who has never learned to take pleasure in other people's happiness.
Sometimes we feel bad because we are grownups, and our parents shouldn't be able to drive us so crazy. Dealing with a stranger's craziness is much easier. We have memories from the days when Mom was all-powerful, and they still control our behavior.
There is a whole "technology" that exists to help us achieve (approach) serenity. If you follow your religion up into the mystical parts, every religion has ways of removing yourself from the craziness. To imagine your mother as Jesus, old and sick and turned mean, is something a Christian can do. Also, always remember that Jesus loves you, whether your mother does or not.
Other parts of the "technology" are the website on Narcissistic mothers, self-help books, and the 12 step programs. They can teach you so much about changing yourself to be happy, to take away your mother's power to hurt you. Al Anon isn't a place you go to get the alcoholic to change. It's a place to learn how to be happy and protect yourself and your family whatever happens.
The first step is usually acceptance that the "problem" person will not change, and cannot be changed by you. It is not fair, because they are "doing wrong." You have every right to be angry at them. But they are more like the weather. THEY will not change. You have to decide to learn how to care for them and be around them, and hear what they are saying, and remain calm and reasonable yourself. (At least sometimes.) Or you can decide that you will remove yourself from an environment that is harming you.
This used to sound like blame to me. "You are responsible if you are unhappy. Bad, immature, selfish you!" Now I try to hear it as good news. "Did you know that you can learn how to be a happier, stronger, nicer person? It's not easy, but it's not impossible. I think you could learn how. Are you interested?"
So maybe the second step is a cautious hope that you can make things better.
By the way, I'm still trying to convince myself! But I have had enough small successes to encourage me to keep trying.
@perseverance - I care give at a distance, which makes it possible. I could never have mother in my home as she would make my life unbearable. I will post to your wall, as I don't want to hijack pleasing2's thread. Thanks for asking
pleasing, people that were mean and self-centered when they were younger often get worse when they get older. We always hope that they will turn over new leaves when we start to care for them, but that usually doesn't happen until very late.The crazy meanness is one of the hardest parts of caregiving for me. What helps me most is to remind myself that it is not me, it is her. There is no way to make my mother happy, so I don't knock myself out trying anymore. Self-centered people can totally suck the life out of us unless we pull away. Sad it is like that between parent and child.
@assandache - Well, in some senses it is awesome, but her temperament is not improving and I had hoped for some peace by this time in my life. I am 75 and getting too old to have to keep dealing with her self-created crises/attention getting. And she is quite paranoid now which doesn't help.The stress is harder on me now than it used to be and there is no end in sight. She is quite healthy physically though complains all the time, but she had a hip replacement at 99 and they used full anaesthetic as her organs are A1. Her stomach is touchy and her liver tests are showing signs of her aging but otherwise she is fine.There are times I wonder if I will ever have any peace.
Dear one, my mother is 101 and totally self centered - it is all about her. What a horrible thing she did to your dad. You need to protect yourself. ((((((hugs))))
What exactly is your question? Are you the primary caregiver? Does she live with you? If yes to either, you need to sit down with her and draw boundaries of acceptable behavior and have consequences if she violates them. Seriously. For example: Mom, in order for me to care for you (have you live with us)...blah blah blah.
She's behaved this way all these years because those of you around her have allowed it.
NO SHE IS 83 YEARS OLD very SELF CENTERED. ((hugs)) she has been this way all of her life...ever since I was 8 years old every thing was about her.. My father got sick she let him lay on the floor for 2 days instead of calling 911 she wanted to teach me a lesson that I wasn't there for 2 nights
Is she narcissistic? "Google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" and find out if she fits the profile. If she is there are some good ideas of how to cope. There are quite a few of us on th9is site, ((((((hugs))))) it is no fun
Aging does not make people nicer.
If your mom left her husband on the floor for two days to teach you a lesson, she is/was an abusive B. Sorry for the bluntness.
Age and illness makes people more frail and they seem more pitiful, they are still the same people. After they pass, we prefer to remember the good times so we sanctify them.
When she is mean, just walk away. Tell her you will not put up with rude or mean behavior. Most importantly do not let her disposition embitter you. Unfortunately bad behaviors are learned. Stay positive
Sometimes we feel bad because we are grownups, and our parents shouldn't be able to drive us so crazy. Dealing with a stranger's craziness is much easier. We have memories from the days when Mom was all-powerful, and they still control our behavior.
There is a whole "technology" that exists to help us achieve (approach) serenity. If you follow your religion up into the mystical parts, every religion has ways of removing yourself from the craziness. To imagine your mother as Jesus, old and sick and turned mean, is something a Christian can do. Also, always remember that Jesus loves you, whether your mother does or not.
Other parts of the "technology" are the website on Narcissistic mothers, self-help books, and the 12 step programs. They can teach you so much about changing yourself to be happy, to take away your mother's power to hurt you. Al Anon isn't a place you go to get the alcoholic to change. It's a place to learn how to be happy and protect yourself and your family whatever happens.
The first step is usually acceptance that the "problem" person will not change, and cannot be changed by you. It is not fair, because they are "doing wrong." You have every right to be angry at them. But they are more like the weather. THEY will not change. You have to decide to learn how to care for them and be around them, and hear what they are saying, and remain calm and reasonable yourself. (At least sometimes.) Or you can decide that you will remove yourself from an environment that is harming you.
This used to sound like blame to me. "You are responsible if you are unhappy. Bad, immature, selfish you!" Now I try to hear it as good news. "Did you know that you can learn how to be a happier, stronger, nicer person? It's not easy, but it's not impossible. I think you could learn how. Are you interested?"
So maybe the second step is a cautious hope that you can make things better.
By the way, I'm still trying to convince myself! But I have had enough small successes to encourage me to keep trying.
She's behaved this way all these years because those of you around her have allowed it.
It's too bad that elder people didn't get all warm and fuzzy with age...