What do I do when my mom has false memories?

P.S. She was always a kind, positive person. Since this awful disease, everything is always negative and she is very critical of everyone, in general.

The disease is horrific, isn't it?

Have you tried something along these lines, "Oh Mother! How awful it must be to think I did those things. I don't know what you are mixing it up with, but I assure you I never deliberately hurt you. I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way!" Don't admit you did what she claims but sympathize with her feelings.

Does she know she has dementia? Memory problems? Depending on how much she understands and accepts, could you explain to her that sometimes her memory isn't working and she forgets things, and sometimes is isn't working and she remembers things very incorrectly?

This must be very painful for both of you! I am so sorry.

HI Jeannegibbs: thank you for responding. Yes, it is. And, yes, I have tried to reason with her but it does not work. She is right and I am wrong. Period. I hate, hate hate what this disease is doing to her and, tbh, to me. There is no way I can have it all end in love. My guess is that she is in a lot of pain, is so ill with heart disease ('chf) and has a lot of fear going on. And it comes out as anger and rage. We have not had one successful carer, not even a cleaning person that was good enough. Impossible to please her. This disease truly robs them of "who" they were in their heart.

My mom will sometimes start to cry and say I hate her

Dementia is a long tiring journey for all

I have not had this experience with my mother, who has dementia, but she has been greatly helped by meds, both antidepressants and antianxiety ones, prescribed by geriatric psychiatrist. Dementia causes damage to the brain, causing our loved one's thought processes to go awry. These meds don't fix that, but they have allowed my mother to be st peace with herself most of the time. That would be my suggestion, to have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist.

It's the CHF: by now it will have deprived her brain of oxygen in a kind of war of attrition - not suddenly, just constant low supply so that vascular dementia (on top of the Alzheimers) becomes a racing certainty.

It leads to all kinds of nasties, including loss of inhibition and depression. Your mother feels angry and upset (as well as just really *ill*), and she attaches these emotions to you. She's trying to make sense of what she feels so bad about, and you - or the carers or the cleaners - are right there. That's why it's you, instead of the absentees.

Don't falsely agree with her, but don't either waste your breath or agitate her by trying to correct her memories. It's perfectly okay to say "do you really think I would have done that?" and when she snaps or wails "yes!" right back at you, look sorrowful and give her a hug or say "well I love you very much, and here I am."

We found that an SSRI took the edge off my mother's overwhelming depression, but it wasn't a miracle cure. Is that something your mother's doctor might look at?

thank you all for your wise comments. I try not to let it hurt me but it does. She thinks I don't care and don't love her and I cannot convince her otherwise.

Sorrowfully, no, I'm sure you can't convince her. That's what is so painful. But the reason she thinks those things is that she is not in her right mind. All you can do is keep showing her. I'm so sorry.

How hurtful this must be for you! Are you the only one who is living at home and caring for your mother? Where are the other siblings?

In my house we call it "re-writing history". My mother has a vastly different memory of much of my childhood, adulthood and even, sometime, things that have just happened.

Sometimes, I can't tell if she actually remembers it wrong or if she is choosing to remember it wrong to justify her actions (hence, rewriting history). I believe it to be a combination of both.

For the past 10 or so years, my ex-in-limbo began to recall things completely differently from the way I did. It got worse and worse and eventually I left him. He began to twist things out of almost-whole cloth -- that is, he'd remember the incident, but his memory of it twisted and turned -- and it became all about me, me, me (and him, him, him). He has severe dx'd ADHD and un-dx'd Asperger's (it runs in the family). His brother committed suicide four years ago.

How can you misremember things and be so offensive about it? He didn't have CHD at the time, so what's going on there?? I'm completely baffled at his volte-face.

Lisa; I just found this old post of yours; adding it in to your more recent post, I'm seeing that you sort of misread what Jeanne was saying about how to redirect your mom when she says hurtful, misremembered things.

Have you heard of Teepa Snow? Watching some of her videos might be a good place to start to learn some techniques.

You cannot reason with dementia. Her false memories are very real to her. Play along.

I can relate to your situation. My mother has turned totally against my husband. She wants me to divorce him and move in with her. She believes he has had an affair, beat me so severely I was hospiralized, etc. None of which is true. I try to just say now Mom do you really think I would stay with him when all of this has happened? It is tiring. I feel as though she wants me to choose between them. I have no answers for you. It is sad when this occurs.

Just saw the new posts to my old one 5 months ago and another one who saw what I wrote yesterday. It is a "comfort" (meaning I am not happy for the suffering of anyone .. be it the caretaker or the sufferer) to know that I am not alone in this. Yes, I have watched Teepa Snow. I have trouble putting it all into practice. TBH, I think I just may be in denial that I did not realize until recently. The denial is that I expecting that if I only explain things enough times, show my love, etc., that I will "bring her around" .. back to the Mom I have known and loved all my life. It isnt going to happen. As someone wisely suggested, I am in "anticipatory grieving". She is here, but she is not. I am now lost. I have a brother with POA. He and I are not estranged. I write, he doesnt' answer. He withholds medical information from me. He has POA. I contacted (wwrote) her doctor and received no response. But my brother was informed, and wow diid I get a response from him and it was a "mind your own business sort of response. When you have a dysfunctional family, instead of people pulling together they pull apart.
If I contact CPS, and they come in and she is put in a nursing home, I will never forgive myself. This is not what she wanted. Given her lack of money, the nursing home would be a very bad place to be. Have done alot of reading about that. I personally believe that I have very little control over it all. I tell my brother what I have seen ... like her hallucinating. She has seen things that are not there. It does not scare her. What does he do? Nothing. Between a rock and a hard place. I cannot do her POA for a multitude of reasons, and cannot take her to doctors as I am not strong enough; in any case she will only go with him and refuses to go most of the time. He is tired. It is 10 years of illness ... congestive heart failure and "suspected demnetia" but no one confirms it. I have read that in the USA doctors often dont want to diagnose it and it is diagnosed after death. Her safety: Yes, that bothers me. I worry alot. Ten years of illness, hospitalizations, falls, surgeries and for the first five I was more active than now. Now my health is not good. I am doing the best I can but she rejects everything. I wish I could do more.

Lisa, my heart goes out to you!

For whatever reason, your mom entrusted your brother with POA. Visit your mom, love her and bring a treat you think she may like. I'm told that if an elder with dementia gets verbally abusive, leaving is the right thing to do if you can't redirect them. I haven't been down this road much; if my mom gets testy, I go walk around the facility for a bit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Lisa.

With my dad, it took a while for us to realize and accept that his life was happening entirely in the moment. So ultimately, the question of correcting his memories wasn't relevant to his life. The question became "How do we help him be the most comfortable in this moment?" Because the moment is really all he had.

For my mom (and me as well), the hardest part was letting go of the idea that he could "re-learn" if she just corrected him the right way. It was a slow mourning process to realize that the "learning" ship had sailed. But once we accepted that, it became easier to stay in the moment with him.

One of the techniques was from improv comedy - the "yes and" technique. No matter what he said, he was right and we'd go with it. I don't know if it made anything better for him, but there was a lot less conflict and his mood seemed to improve.

Good luck!