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My mother was always a kind, loving person and we had a close relationship. All of that changed when she got ill almost 10 years ago, CHF and now Alz for several, 3 years, approximately.
Now she is coming up with false memories and they are negative ones abut me. Things I never did or said to her. She is convinced that I tried to hurt her many times (emotionally). The problem is that she does not accuse my siblings, so it makes me wonder, why me? What do I do? Do I agree with this, also? Thank you

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The disease is horrific, isn't it?

Have you tried something along these lines, "Oh Mother! How awful it must be to think I did those things. I don't know what you are mixing it up with, but I assure you I never deliberately hurt you. I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way!" Don't admit you did what she claims but sympathize with her feelings.

Does she know she has dementia? Memory problems? Depending on how much she understands and accepts, could you explain to her that sometimes her memory isn't working and she forgets things, and sometimes is isn't working and she remembers things very incorrectly?

This must be very painful for both of you! I am so sorry.
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It's the CHF: by now it will have deprived her brain of oxygen in a kind of war of attrition - not suddenly, just constant low supply so that vascular dementia (on top of the Alzheimers) becomes a racing certainty.

It leads to all kinds of nasties, including loss of inhibition and depression. Your mother feels angry and upset (as well as just really *ill*), and she attaches these emotions to you. She's trying to make sense of what she feels so bad about, and you - or the carers or the cleaners - are right there. That's why it's you, instead of the absentees.

Don't falsely agree with her, but don't either waste your breath or agitate her by trying to correct her memories. It's perfectly okay to say "do you really think I would have done that?" and when she snaps or wails "yes!" right back at you, look sorrowful and give her a hug or say "well I love you very much, and here I am."

We found that an SSRI took the edge off my mother's overwhelming depression, but it wasn't a miracle cure. Is that something your mother's doctor might look at?
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HI Jeannegibbs: thank you for responding. Yes, it is. And, yes, I have tried to reason with her but it does not work. She is right and I am wrong. Period. I hate, hate hate what this disease is doing to her and, tbh, to me. There is no way I can have it all end in love. My guess is that she is in a lot of pain, is so ill with heart disease ('chf) and has a lot of fear going on. And it comes out as anger and rage. We have not had one successful carer, not even a cleaning person that was good enough. Impossible to please her. This disease truly robs them of "who" they were in their heart.
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I have not had this experience with my mother, who has dementia, but she has been greatly helped by meds, both antidepressants and antianxiety ones, prescribed by geriatric psychiatrist. Dementia causes damage to the brain, causing our loved one's thought processes to go awry. These meds don't fix that, but they have allowed my mother to be st peace with herself most of the time. That would be my suggestion, to have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist.
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My mom will sometimes start to cry and say I hate her

Dementia is a long tiring journey for all
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Sorrowfully, no, I'm sure you can't convince her. That's what is so painful. But the reason she thinks those things is that she is not in her right mind. All you can do is keep showing her. I'm so sorry.
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Lisa; I just found this old post of yours; adding it in to your more recent post, I'm seeing that you sort of misread what Jeanne was saying about how to redirect your mom when she says hurtful, misremembered things.

Have you heard of Teepa Snow? Watching some of her videos might be a good place to start to learn some techniques.
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P.S. She was always a kind, positive person. Since this awful disease, everything is always negative and she is very critical of everyone, in general.
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For the past 10 or so years, my ex-in-limbo began to recall things completely differently from the way I did. It got worse and worse and eventually I left him. He began to twist things out of almost-whole cloth -- that is, he'd remember the incident, but his memory of it twisted and turned -- and it became all about me, me, me (and him, him, him). He has severe dx'd ADHD and un-dx'd Asperger's (it runs in the family). His brother committed suicide four years ago.

How can you misremember things and be so offensive about it? He didn't have CHD at the time, so what's going on there?? I'm completely baffled at his volte-face.
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Just saw the new posts to my old one 5 months ago and another one who saw what I wrote yesterday. It is a "comfort" (meaning I am not happy for the suffering of anyone .. be it the caretaker or the sufferer) to know that I am not alone in this. Yes, I have watched Teepa Snow. I have trouble putting it all into practice. TBH, I think I just may be in denial that I did not realize until recently. The denial is that I expecting that if I only explain things enough times, show my love, etc., that I will "bring her around" .. back to the Mom I have known and loved all my life. It isnt going to happen. As someone wisely suggested, I am in "anticipatory grieving". She is here, but she is not. I am now lost. I have a brother with POA. He and I are not estranged. I write, he doesnt' answer. He withholds medical information from me. He has POA. I contacted (wwrote) her doctor and received no response. But my brother was informed, and wow diid I get a response from him and it was a "mind your own business sort of response. When you have a dysfunctional family, instead of people pulling together they pull apart.
If I contact CPS, and they come in and she is put in a nursing home, I will never forgive myself. This is not what she wanted. Given her lack of money, the nursing home would be a very bad place to be. Have done alot of reading about that. I personally believe that I have very little control over it all. I tell my brother what I have seen ... like her hallucinating. She has seen things that are not there. It does not scare her. What does he do? Nothing. Between a rock and a hard place. I cannot do her POA for a multitude of reasons, and cannot take her to doctors as I am not strong enough; in any case she will only go with him and refuses to go most of the time. He is tired. It is 10 years of illness ... congestive heart failure and "suspected demnetia" but no one confirms it. I have read that in the USA doctors often dont want to diagnose it and it is diagnosed after death. Her safety: Yes, that bothers me. I worry alot. Ten years of illness, hospitalizations, falls, surgeries and for the first five I was more active than now. Now my health is not good. I am doing the best I can but she rejects everything. I wish I could do more.
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