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I can only do so much, and we have a rather antagonistic relationship. Much of her snotty personality toward me remains. Functional in many surprising ways. Dresses herself, even putting on jewelry for example. But have yet to find a bra and undies in the laundry, maybe one pair. Have seen prior some staining on the bedding that was very slight. She opts to not wear undies to bed (life long pattern). Yesterday went to do laundry and found a heavily soiled (but no residue) pair of underpants to the point of being smelly, that she had put down the laundry chute.


With the short term memory loss there is no sense in discussing it though I have fantasized about leaving a note under her bed covers that says something nasty.


Should I raid her drawers (no pun intended LOL) and steal her undies and replace it with the disposable briefs?

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gdaughter; I am REALLY serious YES YES that is EXCATLY what you should do unless you can convince her to wear the big pads in her panties ..when i worked in a facility the family would have to take undies and replace with disposable undies I will do this if it comes down to it.....I had to make Mom,and Auntie wear the xtra large pads I just explained very quietly and nice how embaressing it would be to have an accident in front of family and company every once and awhile we just discuss openly and laugh about how hard is is to cough and not pee or to laugh at something and not pee or you know shart we all laugh and joke about it openley after all its a normal human function especally both being women it is easier to explain and easier to understand I learned sometimes to just BLURT OUT THE TRUTH UNFILTERED is by far the best way to handel elderly incontinent delimas I just say what I think also I would whisper To whom ever is that its unsanitary, could cause UTI ,SKIN BREAKDOWN , BED SOAR AND ITS smelly and that they would not want to be the smelly person in the room,or if you are worried ti be unfiltered ask her Dr.or Nurse to explain that its necessary , to wear the disposable underwear or thick pads in panties Sorry snd Good luck !! I THANK THE LORD that both my girls still mostly always make it to bathroom or poty chair!! And wear their pads and sometimes wear pull ups! Good luck again its a big big big thing and very hard to break it to your lived one I understand you poor girl hugs to you!!
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gdaughter Oct 8, 2018
believe it or not...you share mom's name:-) Thank you for the support and hugs...it is a big challenge because she has some ability, but that snarliness remains so anything I say is not respected/believed. Even following your advice, with her short term memory loss, she may not recall any of it...and the good news is she wears her hearing aids...the bad news is she won't let me have them to clean them so they are less effective for her to hear me say anything LOL. She reluctantly hands them over at Costco!
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Does Mom use wipes? I love huggies, thick and big. Maybe its time for you to help Mom with going to the toilet. Does she have a hand held shower head. These are great for getting to hard to reach areas.
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Ahmijoy Oct 7, 2018
Wipes work! But supervision is needed to make sure they don’t get flushed.
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For those who can still use the toilet I think the toilet bidet seats are a wonderful option to tackle the physical and mental difficulties of using toilet paper.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/toilet-bidet-keep-older-adults-clean-177890.htm
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2018
Wow...you really taught me something...and I was ready to bite...but I know I wouldn't want to clean with cold water, and when I watched the video on how one hooks into the hot water line...dammit, we've got a problem. Without a major plumbing renovation, the line for the hot water would just not work due to the layout and logistics of the bathrooms. None of the bathrooms have the sink and toilet on the same wall. Does anyone have experience with these if hooked only to cold water...I mean I just can't imagine doing that...But it's a great idea...
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Gdaughter, you seem to be a very well educated woman who has given very good advice to others. I’m surprised that you have such an antagonistic relationship with your mom. “The Shoemaker’s kids” I guess. Right?

The facts are that if Mom has a continuously dirty dupa, she’s on a fast track to a UTI. Poor hygiene caused my mom’s UTIs and she became violent when she had one. I still have a scar from where she gouged me. Taking her underwear and replacing them with Depends won’t improve her hygiene. She is at the point where she needs supervision when she bathes. Leaving nasty notes under her pillow won’t solve a thing and will only mean you’ve sunk to her level of snark. Also won’t solve the hygiene issue.

How about a bath aide? If she protests she doesn’t want a stranger giving her a bath, then tell her she can do it herself with your help and you WILL help. When they act like 2 year olds, all bets are off as far as “Mom is the boss”.
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2018
Thanks for the compliment...but yes, as much as we have always been there for each other, we do not get along. SHe has been a controlling, unsupportive and insensitive person more than not, she generated anxiety, and in the passing years I have just come to accept it and know she did her best, even if it was not for me and my sibling. In real life...I became a social worker at an office on aging and have been there over 25+ years. I know I am not the one to provide assistance or supervision though I am under the same roof and doing what I can. I work as well as try to maintain some bit of a life while tending to their every need, like cooking and cleaning and advocating and escorting and shopping and bill paying etc. Assisted living is not in the cards. I appreciate the point about increased risk of UTI. I would not get so hands on as to risk my own safety or getting her to the point of upset. Dad is still in the picture at 101. She is the love of his life most of the time and he can laugh at her behaviors which result in my frustration. But he is a total wuss. He drives near by and safely...although I try to be the one who takes her for her hair appts. One day she went on a day the foot MD has walk-in appts and the plan, since he was right down the street, was to take mom from hair to toenail trim. The MD regrettably did not use his influence, and Dad was a total wuss saying nothing more to her than I would be unhappy. So they were not done.

I only was THINKING of leaving a note in my imagination, not really. She is determined enough that if she chooses to be uncooperative with anyone's help, she will be...but I think we are going to need to get some help in. She has neglected her personal hygiene in general for longer than I care to admit, though last summer I did have a hospital affiliated home care nurse come out. She saw how well mom was functioning and said she had seen many others where they just "let it go" because it is not worth the upset and agitation. I think we have reached the point though that we need to do so. I am going to connect with the primary care doc or neurologist, maybe an official script for the help to back up the plan that she can keep picking up to read as she often does with greeting cards or her calendar, might help...and with the Alz Assn in hopes they can help me find someone really special. Has anyone ever used Care.com to find someone? Months ago when I looked there, I saw a couple possible people...i.e. like someone who was a nursing student... I attend a support group and one of the leaders pointed out how many steps there are in processes like this we take for granted, i.e. the afflicted person can't remember what to do. Wondering too, if hospice might be able to be infrequently involved. I think she's together enough to be really upset if they were. She actually worked for their resale shop over 25 years until it closed. Though they wanted her out long before (she would say things were on sale that weren't).
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