My Mom's 85 and lives alone, has dementia and paranoid personality disorder. What are my responsibilities if she abuses other people?

What are your responsibilities for your mother's behaviour? None at all.

Of course that won't stop it making you squirm on her behalf, but you are in no way responsible. Learning not to FEEL responsible, and not to allow yourself to be made to feel responsible, for the behaviour of other people over whom you have no control is, by the way, an important personal breakthrough - well worth working on.

In a similar situation, I finally thought of something I could do that made me feel less helpless: I called the people who have reason to deal with her or be affected by her (as someone suggested, the bank manager for instance). I said, "Look, I have only one purpose for this call, and that's to give you my contact information. There isn't much I can do and she's so paranoid that if you tell her that you and I spoke she may well fire YOU. But if something weird happens and you are asking yourself, 'where the heck is her adult child?,' please know that she is so secretive I probably don't have the faintest idea what's going on. And I invite you to let me know, so that I can help if at all possible. So, just keep my contact information on file." People have been grateful and understanding and discreet, because they know it's in their interest. Good luck.

No, you are not legally responsible for her behavior. But in some states you may be responsible for her welfare, since you are the only child. Whether or not you are responsible for her welfare, it is obvious that she needs help AND financial protection. Contact her doctor and an elder care attorney. If you don't take steps to protect her welfare and interests, the day will soon come when things get worse and she will end up assigned a guardian by the court.

You have no legal responsibilities for her debts. They cannot come after adult children for their parents debts - not that they won't try - just hang up. Her behavior is not your problem either. Try and disengage so it is not so emotionally charged. That is to protect you. Your are entitled to happiness and contentment in life even if your Mother was never able to achieve it. Good luck.

Sounds like one of those situations where she will accept no help until something bad happens and she has to. If she is not a danger to herself or others yet, APS may not be able to help either. But the fact that you make an attempt to help and get help from outside agencies and document it should somewhat protect you from accusations of neglect. Having her end up with a court-appointed guardian is not necessarily a bad outcome, but state laws on filial responsibility vary, and at least a consultation with an eldercare attorney is good advice.

I am in the same boat....but i live in canada, our laws are different. My sister & I have enduring POA, I know the going ons of his bank account. He is very nasty to me, even thou I do everything for him, he has mild dementia, lives alone, refuses to allow anyone in to clean his home....but as you im told there is nothing I can do until he either falls and breaks something, hurts himself, starts a fire or hurts someone else. But above all i am not responsiable for his outbreaks and neither are u for ur moms....hang in there...xo

Since you do not have any POA or any legal rights, call adult protective services to get an evaluation of her and then perhaps that person can recommend treatment. You do not have any responsibilities if she does anything outside your control and even then if she has dementia, she is not responsible for her actions. Since she has chosen to exclude you from her personal life, save yourself a lot of grief and leave her alone. She obviously wants you to stay out of her life now as in the past.

Well, Assisted Living is not possible if she is aggressive, they won't take anyone with physical aggression. If I were you, I would notify the local 911 about her condition and give them your contact information in case she loses control. She probably should not be driving anymore, even to the bank. Get to know the manager at the bank and give him your contact information, again in case there is an outburst. Last but not least, see if the MD can prescribe a mild anxiolytic medicine to keep her on an even keel.

All the above is good advice. It won't cure anything having to do with your mother's behavior or her lack of preparation, but it will demonstrate that you've gotten your ducks in a row. So, yes, provide your contact info to the people she deals with, contact an elder law attorney to see what (if anything) your responsibilities are. If you can communicate with her doctor privately/in writing, then do that. Keep records of everything just in case. And that's about it, I think, that you can do.

How involved with your mother do you want to be? POA might not be a good idea - it could put responsibilities on you, possible charges of neglect, when the reality is that you cannot do anything to change your mother or control her. Sounds like she has been an abuser all your life. Do you really want to be at her mercy? POA is not guardianship, and you might ask yourself if a court appointed guardian would be a wiser course.