My Mom's 85 and lives alone, has dementia and paranoid personality disorder. What are my responsibilities if she abuses other people?

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I have no legal power or knowledge of any kind of her banking, savings, her will or anything. She has never trusted anyone in her life. I am the only child and do not deserve just hateful belligerent treatment. What are my responsibilties if she abuses other people at the bank, police, her neighbors? Her in assisted living or some type of medication to reel in her extreme aggression.

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How involved with your mother do you want to be? POA might not be a good idea - it could put responsibilities on you, possible charges of neglect, when the reality is that you cannot do anything to change your mother or control her. Sounds like she has been an abuser all your life. Do you really want to be at her mercy? POA is not guardianship, and you might ask yourself if a court appointed guardian would be a wiser course.
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Both my parents are alive and act the same way. I too am an only child which makes things worse. Seems to be alot of only children on this site. Always believed that I was the only one in this situation. Dad is worse than Mom. Both will be 90 soon, in and out of Hospital since 2012. When Dad was in Hospital and than went to re-hab he kept driving all his room mates out. He was mean to all of them. He is very mean to my husband and myself. You just have to say you are sorry to people for their behavior and hope the accept. Am at witts end.
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Does SHE have any siblings?
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There are drugs to alter this behavior. My Mom (88) is on them. You have no responsibility for her actions. It's just embarrassing when you are with her....been there. All you can do is apologize for her behavior and hope those on the abusive end understand. Also, you need to try to get POA in the event that something does happen to her. You will have to have access to her funds for whatever...burial, nursing home, etc. Good luck and God bless.
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Since you do not have any POA or any legal rights, call adult protective services to get an evaluation of her and then perhaps that person can recommend treatment. You do not have any responsibilities if she does anything outside your control and even then if she has dementia, she is not responsible for her actions. Since she has chosen to exclude you from her personal life, save yourself a lot of grief and leave her alone. She obviously wants you to stay out of her life now as in the past.
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I am in the same boat....but i live in canada, our laws are different. My sister & I have enduring POA, I know the going ons of his bank account. He is very nasty to me, even thou I do everything for him, he has mild dementia, lives alone, refuses to allow anyone in to clean his home....but as you im told there is nothing I can do until he either falls and breaks something, hurts himself, starts a fire or hurts someone else. But above all i am not responsiable for his outbreaks and neither are u for ur moms....hang in there...xo
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You have no legal responsibilities for her debts. They cannot come after adult children for their parents debts - not that they won't try - just hang up. Her behavior is not your problem either. Try and disengage so it is not so emotionally charged. That is to protect you. Your are entitled to happiness and contentment in life even if your Mother was never able to achieve it. Good luck.
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All the above is good advice. It won't cure anything having to do with your mother's behavior or her lack of preparation, but it will demonstrate that you've gotten your ducks in a row. So, yes, provide your contact info to the people she deals with, contact an elder law attorney to see what (if anything) your responsibilities are. If you can communicate with her doctor privately/in writing, then do that. Keep records of everything just in case. And that's about it, I think, that you can do.
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Sounds like one of those situations where she will accept no help until something bad happens and she has to. If she is not a danger to herself or others yet, APS may not be able to help either. But the fact that you make an attempt to help and get help from outside agencies and document it should somewhat protect you from accusations of neglect. Having her end up with a court-appointed guardian is not necessarily a bad outcome, but state laws on filial responsibility vary, and at least a consultation with an eldercare attorney is good advice.
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In a similar situation, I finally thought of something I could do that made me feel less helpless: I called the people who have reason to deal with her or be affected by her (as someone suggested, the bank manager for instance). I said, "Look, I have only one purpose for this call, and that's to give you my contact information. There isn't much I can do and she's so paranoid that if you tell her that you and I spoke she may well fire YOU. But if something weird happens and you are asking yourself, 'where the heck is her adult child?,' please know that she is so secretive I probably don't have the faintest idea what's going on. And I invite you to let me know, so that I can help if at all possible. So, just keep my contact information on file." People have been grateful and understanding and discreet, because they know it's in their interest. Good luck.
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