Mom has dementia, is depressed and doesn’t want to live. Any advice?

My Mom was like that last year. Her thyroid level was very low (and, I am sure, had been for years, but she refused to have it treated). But, after she was on Synthroid, I have not seen the depression or heard her indicate she wanted to die. She has, of course, declined in other ways just because of her age (94).

My MIL is in AL and she says she wants to die lots when we visit. She does not get up in the morning and lots of time stays in bed part or all afternoon. she says she will vomit if she eats or gets up. If you get her up she does not vomit. She says she is in pain all the time. I have taken her to her doctor and psychiatrist and she is on anti- depressants.

If someone has dementia, I believe either their brains are physically tangled, like in Alzheimers, or their brain cells are dying. No medicine can fix it. Many times people with dementia are not aware of what they are saying, or that they're saying it over and over. The best "treatment" is to get them off topic. Change their mood. They love to reminisce ... look at old pictures (even if they don't recognize themselves or their family) ... listen and sing to old music ... have them help you do a simple task like folding towels. (You can slyly take the folded ones and throw them back in the bag with the unfolded towels to fold again, if you don't let them see you). It's important to calm them down. Help them feel safe and comfortable, and as others have said, loved. Sometimes you might say something that isn't exactly truthful in order to calm
them down. For example, if mom's son comes to see her about one afternoon/week, and you aren't sure when he's coming next and she becomes anxious and wants to see him at 7:00 AM one morning, don't try to get into a lengthy explanation about his schedule. Just say something like, "he just called to say he has a Dr. app't. and will be a little late." You can say that all morning, then you may have to add, "He called again and told us to be sure to tell you that he has to go to the Lab and then to the drug store, so he'll be here as soon as he can." And so on. Finally, if he doesn't show up that day, tell her he called to apologize and couldn't make it, but will be here for sure tomorrow. If you just told her right away that he couldn't come see her today, she would forget and be anxious and ask you over and over. This way, it settles her down for a bit. But then, don't let mom find out that her son wasn't at the Dr., the Lab, and the Pharmacy. Just in case mom remembers to ask him about it, tell him you told her that when he comes in. People with dementia are usually very paranoid and apprehensive. If they find out you were "lying" to them, they will not trust you again for a long time.

That’s good advice everyone. I’m trying as hard as I can but it’s mentally exhausting for me and her. Hopefully having her in AL memory care will help me and give me a chance to take a break.

@debdaughter I'm not sure this ladies question is the place to post a long answer to yours. Kinda off topic... but I have plans in place. :)

My MIL say's the same thing often and has even told her doctor while on a visit that "She didn't want to be hear on earth anymore". The doctor put her on different meds and they seem to be helping some. Her dementia isn't as bad as it could be but she knows that she is loosing her memory and that she has lost her independence. It is hard to see her this way. I stay with her full time but she can still do somethings on her own ( shower, dress herself, make coffee) but I do everything else. The hardest part for my MIL is she has lived own her on for 30yrs and just moved in with us in October. She cant stand the fact that she will never be able to get in her car and drive where ever she wants. She loves to shop but cant walk very far and refuses to use a walker or wheel chair. It breaks my heart because me and my husband know this is only gonna get worse. Sending thoughts your way.

My mom is 90 and in AL. I know for a fact that if my dumb-azz brothers would take 10-15 min a week to call and let her know that they still think about her would help her immensely. They are in there 60's and 70's. Grow up and enough with the excuses, YOUR mother needs you!!! Sorry, but I have been keeping this in me for quite the while.

Dear Daughter,
My heartfelt compassion goes out to you. Understand that your mom is going through a major transition. Be understanding and loving as much as you can. Supplement her diet with protein powder shakes, use almond milk with ice cream. Amino Acids improve our neurotransmission in our brain. Have your moms thyroid checked. Hypothyroidism can memic dementia. Google natural supplements good for the brain. I use buried treasure`s - added attention brain support supplement along with probiotics for my mom. Start off with very small dosages to acclimate your moms immunal system. Try to offer a clean diet as much as possible. Keep your mom well hydrated with alkaline water. Please research all medications being given to your mom for side effects, that may cause a lot of the negative symptoms. A balanced diet makes a world of difference. Be patient and put yourself in your moms position for understanding.
Your challenges are not easy. I fully understand and deal with these challenges daily. Look for senior support programs like Area on Aging ect
Many Blessings! Stay Encouraged!

Adrienne :o)

There is no set time for adjusting and accepting the new living situation. The victim of this terrible disease does not understand why they are there and want to be home where everything is familiar and known, as would we when not feeling our best. WE know they are safer, cared for, and protected, but they do not know how much they need to be. The Care unit should have activities planned for the residents, ask that she be encouraged to attend when music events are scheduled -- or any other subject that once interested her. Music is particularly enjoyable for people with dementia. I am told music is processed in a different area and different way than other things we remember and it has proven so, at least with my loved one. He can remember all the words to all the songs, where we first heard the artist, where we were and who was with us. Can't remember if he ate breakfast, but music? Always. Once a new resident starts enjoying such activities, they seem to adjust faster to the life changes. Check the schedule of events, and make an effort to attend with her at first. She may respond very well.

Thanks again for those with advice. Any thoughts on a book that I can give her to read? Maybe having something she can read even if it’s over and over might help to reminder her and help keep her calm?

Most likely she will not understand any book given and it's good intention. If she is able to understand it while reading she will most likely forget it, so my advice professionally as well as being a care partner is to change the subject, explain some of the changes to her and just love her. My wife many times feels similarly but a positive attitude by anyone around her almost always helps. It is not an easy road since it seems in my wife's setting to be on a slippery slope down hill. She is being treated by a neurologist and from my observation treated by well, her neurologist's mother has dementia as well. My wife's disease is called: Vascular Dementia and she now in the Sundowner's stage. The road is long and just sloping some and we already have hit many bumps and the curves are sometimes more then I can handle well. She lives in an Assistance in Living while I am living in the independent apartment near, in the next building. Pray for wisdom and God's guidance and live and love since it seems it will not change/improve. That's the last prognosis from Mayo Clinic to my knowledge.

I know that they should try to do the activities when they are in AL or other senior residences. My MIL will not join anything except occasionally the bus trips. She does not even go for many meals. She mostly stays in her room. She has been staying in bed longer and longer. We try to encourage her to go but refuses. I took her down for lunch last week and had lunch with her hoping it would encourage her to do it on her own.

I can understand, maybe you've got kids

What about a picture book? Art photography, photos from a museum in a country that interests her, a book with photos from the area she lives in? Photos from the country of her ancestors? Words and their meanings can be difficult for someone with dementia. But they get pictures just fine! At least that is proving so where my Patrick is now. She is not going to learn from a book about what she is experiencing, but you might. One that is an easy read for you and other family members would be 'The 36 Hour Day' by Nancy Mace. It is available from Amazon, if not a local book store. It is a good reference book as we travel this very lumpy road. But not for the patient. It is for family and caregivers.

Just hold on tight, you CAN do this, and she will take time to adjust.

Gen

I guess I never really thought about not understanding the book. I’m used to get being analytical that I forget she has this condition. I spend a lot of time talking to her on the phone but every time it’s like the first time.

Found out from the AL that she called 911 because she thought she hadn’t heard from me in “weeks” and I was hurt and in trouble. This is a major roller coaster and honestly I hope no one has to ride this.

We are all riding with you. All dementia experiences are different. Perhaps one of us will have encountered a similar problem as yours, and give you some thoughts to consider. Stay with us!

Gen

Why would anyone want to continue living with dementia? And why should society be alarmed if a person sees the ghastly road ahead and chooses to die on their own terms? Watching my father descend into madness has made me convinced that the entire system is defunct. We don't have brains, we ARE our brains. I am determined to have an exit strategy for myself. I will not end up destroying my kids' lives, incontinent, deluded, and living a nightmarish existence. It is utterly terrifying to me. If your mum wants to go, help her. Let her die with a modicum of cognition and dignity.

Dear Beloved Family Member, try emphasizing more protein in the diet with protein drinks or protein shakes made with a wholesome ice cream brand. A well balanced diet helps to avoid mood swings. Offer a balanced protein and carbohydrate snack every 3-4 hours.
Try a good quality vitamin mineral supplement with plenty of water for needed hydration.

Read labels to avoid consuming unhealthy preservatives. Also, research side effects of medications that may have been prescribed.

Stay encouraged and be knowledgeable about all foods and beverages your loved one consumes.

Many Blessings,

my mom did that sometime a lot i just ignored it ..if you could take her to movies visit family ..my mom said every morning i wish i would just die .but her favorite was cats so they kinda help cheer her up .try to do things that make her happy ..anti depression pills do not work much ... worse yet winter will come ..so good luck .

My mom who has dementia talks about wanting to die all the time! She’s constantly saying I hope I die or maybe I’ll just die. It’s hard to listen to! I don’t know if this is normal or not. I’m trying now to find a place for her. I dread putting her anywhere but I cannot take care of her full time and she doesn’t want anyone to come in her home. What do I do?

Yes, this is normal, and we have to just accept it. Sometimes I can get Mom to talk and cheer her up, but why would expect anything else???