Mom has dementia, is depressed and doesn’t want to live. Any advice?

In addition to med to help memory, my mom is also on anti-depressant drug. She used to feel down and say she wanted to die, but not anymore. Can you check with her doctor about anti-depressant med? It might help.

She’s been on a mend since January but doesn’t seem like it’s working. Maybe she hasn’t been taking it consistently. Good suggestion though.

Per my mom's dr, it takes about a month to see effect. Also, she had to up the dosage because the initial dosage was too low and didn't make any difference. Worth a talk with your mom's doc.

Discuss this with the physician that prescribed her medication. Also, people who are seniors with your mother's specific problems sometimes benefit more if they see a physician who specializes in geriatric care . I hope this helps and the very best to you and your mother.

You say your mom is on a med for her memory; is she on an antidepressant as well?

Yes she is on an anti depressant as well. I think a a call to her pcp might be worth it. Also a geriatric specialist might help as well. I just wanted to make sure this was “normal” for her and not something unique.

My mom has said the same thing for a few years, A lot of it centers around she recognizes that something is not right she doesn't feel like herself and the confusion is overwhelming. she would attend social Day Care 6 days a week that filled most of her day but when she got home she felt alone and like she never did anything and would forget that she spent the whole day with other people. They put my mom on an antidepressant but I think that she is better served by social interaction then by taking an antidepressant alone.

Yes, unfortunately it's normal. They get tired of Dr appointments, illness and struggles of living. Some say it's easier to die than to live. My mom had dementia and was aware of her memory loss and other changes which were hard to accept. Meds weren't good for her, so it's not always the fix. It's hard to put the joy back but that's the goal and small victories. Best to you both

Did you speak with the staff at the memory care facility? I would think that she's still adjusting to the new facility. Perhaps the staff could pair her up with a friend, help increase her activity level and/or provide her with a therapist. I know my mother's depression is greatly reduced when she feels needed. Be sure to love on her and let her know how much she's appreciated.

My dad went into AL at age95. Try to think of what makes me happy. Its being loved and listened to and feeling their advice/thoughts are valued. In AL they all are competing for this so they feel lost. My dad would say how he liked people to give eye contact when he talked. And if he gave advice I tried to do what he said (even if i already knew it). He passed 2 yrs ago, I agree with Wannek, just keep making them feel loved.

The specialist told us when you moved them to AL, they will seem to get worse till they adjust. This could take 3-6 mos..we need to be patients and just love them more than ever...

What you describe is actually pretty normal. I know that my late father used to say that he felt like a "useless old man," because the once robust, independent person was no longer able to do anything for himself. Old age is a very depressing time of life, no doubt about it. All we can try to do is help them find joy in each day.

Wouldn't you be depressed in her position? I am 80 and still able to live independently and travel, play bridge, etc. When I can no longer do that and become a burden to my children, I am quite sure I will be depressed! I have quit taking "life extenders" like statins and blood pressure drugs because I don't want my life extended beyond what Nature and Nature's God intended. I carry one copy of ApoE4 gene for Alzheimer's which puts me at higher risk for that as well. Old age is not for sissies!

My mom said the exact same things. It's one thing to get Alzheimer's and not know it, but this, dementia, it seems some know something is happening to them. That makes it all the more harder on all, as we are helpless. My mom fell last May a few times but never wanted to go to NH, until she broke her tibia and had no choice. She is 93 and is doing extremely well now. She is with people 24/7 so she has less time to dwell on her thoughts! She was always depressed in her life, so we adjusted her meds for that, but NO meds for dementia, as i understand that in some people it can slow down the dementia, but does not make them better. Best to you, speak to doctor to get her on right medication.

my mom just passed away having that ...hate to say it but ,,well you know ..well i suggest to google what vitamins to take vit E is one what ever you do do not listen to the nursing home doctors !!my mom was in one for rehab & that doc did not believe in them !!!please do this she will live longer for it &also i made mine a malt of ensure & onle the best for this edy's slow churned ice cream & hershey chocolate syrup so blend together & also get i got muscle milk a protein mix at walmart in the medicine area put like a teaspoon in so make it to good taste & also if she does not want the vitamins the ones that can be crushed crush them then put a little milk in a glass let it dissolve @ least 15 minute stir with a fork so the liquid caps cut open & pour in with the pills it will help also might have to increase her sodium ..i did it by buying a thing of cinnamon vitamin pill split capsule in 1/2 remove inner then get table salt & pour in the capsule the longer one . put together but you got to trust your gut on how much to give her .depend on how her blood pressure is high then maybe 2 a day .& also try to figure what she eats if she eats good then that is but not then the vitamins will help supplement what she dont eat i know my mom did not like food anymore & you could put in the malt to but just a little that could work but make sure it taste good if not add more ice cream a little of that but the hershey syrup use that for the flavoring ..i know you might think it is crazy but i gave my mom another yr to live all she did was stayed in bed for a long time like june till she passed on 4-9 this yr so being in a nursing home makes it harder ..well good luck

This is common among the elderly and it is sad to see your Mom this way. My husband is losing his memory and thinks back about his younger days when he had all his faculties and sometimes cries about those days lost. The only thing you can do is pray. Not for her memory to return, because it won't, but for peace for her and yourself.

Listen and validate your mom's feelings, and try to put yourself in her shoes. Then, give her lots of reassurance and love. This is a tough situation to lose your mind, adjust to a facility, loss of independence, and acceptance of mortality. At the age of 90, she may be telling you that she is tired of living and ready to go. I would discuss this with the memory care staff and her physician. Antidepressants may help.

My mom was let that in the nursing home and she kept telling me that if she can’t go back home, she would kill herself. I cried that evening. Basically, she got her wish that she had passed away in her sleep from complications of illness.

Then, about a year later, Dad was saying the same thing about killing himself. He would say that when we asked him that he needed a shower because he smelled bad. Mind you, several years, he was taking Floroxitine for his depression. He would say "I’ll shoot myself!"

Mom was 87 and Dad was 90 when they passed away.

Yes, it’s normal. There nothing you could do to make your mom feel better except just telling that you love her and you need her.

Yes, this can be normal. My girlfriend is currently going through this with her mother, who has Alzheimers/Dementia.

My DH was depressed and worrying constantly about leaving me but didn't want to die.

My DH is on Zoloft and is so much calmer now - like a night & day change. I have no idea if gf's mother is on anything but she is always saying she wished she were dead.

RE: Memory - Iodine worked wonders with my DH. I now give him Iodoral daily and at least he knows who I am most of the time. Sundowners is still a challenge.

I find acknowledging & empathizing is comforting to my Mom. At their age alot of folks try to dismiss them by distraction or phrases like "don't say that...you really don't mean that." This kind of dialogue can feel demeaning to anyone. Just like us when we have an issue we don't necessarily want someone to rush in to advise this or that or do this & do that. We want someone to listen & hear us. So does your Mom.

Tell her what a great job she is doing @ this aging thing. Even compare her to others who are not doing so well & count your blessings together. Tell her you will be in her shoes sooner than later & need some advise from her!

We sometimes play a little daily game of a 5 min bit#@ session. 5 min only to whine about her problems & yours. She still wants to hear about your life even if she forgets to ask. Then move on to a more pleasant exchange.

This usually works with my Mom...give it a try.

My mom is 97, COPD, CHF (none of her heart valves are working properly, 2 are moderate, 2 are severe), daily struggles to breathe, dizziness that will never go away. She sit in her chair and watches the goings on out the window day after day after day. She says, “This isn’t life, this is existing,” and she is 100% correct. She also says that the medical community makes us live too long, and I think in many respects she is right about that, too. They can keep her alive, but they cannot improve her quality of life. She tells me all the time that she goes to bed each night and prays that she will not wake up again, but then she does wake up and is disappointed; she needs to drag herself through another day. She tells me all the time, “I hope you don’t live this long,” which I hate hearing, but at the same time it makes me work harder at staying physically and mentally healthy.

Oh, and Lucy in the Sky is right on. Do not disagree with her, tell her that you empathize with her, let her get it off her chest. And, yes, they DO still want to hear what is going on with you. And they want to hear your problems and try to help you with them. At 97, my mother has long ago lost her “purpose” in life. (Read John Leland’s “Happiness is a Choice you Make: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old.”). Listening to my little problems and offering me advice gives her purpose! I have heard that with dementia, the different interests, skills, etc., that you have learned throughout your life disappear quickly, but deeply ingrained instincts, like mothering, are the last to go. You think that you should keep your problems to yourself and spare her the worry, but by doing that you are not allowing her the last remaining sense of purpose that she probably has! It will make her feel like she has contributed to your well being!

Many good suggestions here. It's okay for mom to feel that way. It is normal. we're not supposed to live forever -- probably not even as long as we are living now. :( Increasing her anti-depressants is a good idea, altho' it didn't help my mom. She only cheers up when I am there (but I live 11 hrs away) or one of my sibs is there. My sister almost never comes, one brother stops maybe every few weeks (and he doesn't even work), and the other is severely disabled but his staff brings him for 2 hrs a week. He'd stay longer but Mom can't help him urinate very easily (he requires help to use the urinal). I think the best suggestion above is just to listen to her and acknowledge her feelings.

Nixon2000,

I can tell you that there are some very good advice received thus far and I will give a little if my experiences with my mother and my impressions that the PCP and it Geriatric Psychologist agree with me. I felt one of my mother’s problems may be because of sleep deprivation. Parents often times don’t tell the whole story to the doctors. I discovered that I was clueless of the real symptoms of Sundowners and the Geriatric Psychologist agreed that what I described was truly Sundowners.

Mom also has suffered with Depression for years, but kept it hidden from her friends and church family. I mention this as you describe your mother and I see my mother. Mom was re-diagnosed as NOT Having Dementia this past January. That multiple other doctors from last July 31 to September 19 misdiagnosed her with Dementia. But they agree she has a cognitive issue that the sleep deprivation may be causing some if the altered mind state.

In December I sat down and researched (WebMD, DrugsRx, etc) EVERY pill and supplement Mom took. On the list of drugs I took her off were as follows: PEPCiD, Zofran, Diltiazem, Pravastatin, Toprol XL which we changed to Metoprolol 1/4 strength BID. Added to the Duloxetine for depression Mirtazapine which has a major side effect of causing sleepiness (hence give at bedtime) and PROBIOTICS as there is a research paper that found probiotics users have shown decrease depression. We never used Iodized Salt so I figured since Mom also lost her colon due to diverticulitis and they tell me that she needs more Sodium that this may be part of the changes causing the altered mind state. I failed to tell you why the Meds weee removed, as they are documented as causing things like Hallucinations, or Confusion and agitation. At first the Mirtazapine worked better then without, but after the doctors increased the dosage Mom decided she wanted to stop taking it as she CLaIMS it is keeping her awake. This was when I told the New Geriatric Psychologist that I felt she has Sundowners and that she is sleep deprived. The care givers who take care of Dad with Alzheimer’s told me that Mom has been getting up at 3 a.m. and doing kitchen cleaning and Hallucinating again the past two to three weeks. I feel Mom is trying to hide the Hallucinations reoccurrence from me.

One thing I feel that does help is my getting Mom out of the house to do simple things like grocery shopping. This gives her a sense of usefulness and by my having someone else take her she gets away from Me and Dad. As she and I also have cabin fever and we find ourselves getting on each other’s nerves.

Mom has had several talks with me that she knows that she has Memory problems, on her good days, and that this bothers her. I feel that this is why she also does not want to take advantage of her old habits of going out once a week to Bible Study with friends as she is afraid they will notice her memory problems. Mom is actually a very shy but proud women and fears embarrassment. She resist change and wants to maintain control. But I had to take away the checkbooks and credit cards which was harder on me I think, but I think she is accepting my doing so. She has not actually fought back nor discussed it directly, but indirectly she told me of a phone solicitation for a donation and she told me that she told them that she no longer handles the finances, that they would have to talk with me.

I apologize for my diarrhea of the mouth, or keyboard in this case. But I hope this helps at least a little! Remember it will take at least 90 days for the doctors to start and adjust the anti-depressants before you will have a true idea if they are the right drugs. Actually over four years we are on our third drug and adding another if not actually a second drug in the next month.

Console her, tell her she is important to you.. Just make her feel better.. If I had to go thru what my Mom did, and I had to watch her, I would want to die too. Dementia is horrible!!

My father - God bless his soul, was an avid dancer and listener of good music in his younger days. He loved big band, and we got him set up with a long loop of big band and music from his "era". We also looped inspirational DVDs that shows pictures of the Earth and oceans that were delightful to watch. One of the benefits of dementia is that some of these DVDs are "new" to our parents every time they watch them.

We are all faithful Catholics, and although my father was sad to see his memory and health fade, he looked forward to seeing mom and his loved ones again.

Most important tell her that you love her, listen to her and never try to "make logic" of what her perception is. Just be with her; whether by phone, or in person as often as is feasible. Remember, that in some way she will remember some, if not all of your visits.

My wife has Vascular Dementia and has mentioned very often the desire to die. She has done this even before the dementia, but when life seems not worth living for her along with all the pain she suffers, I guess I can't blame her for wanting to die. Her main concern is that I will be there for her when she needs me even though living in the Assistance in Living portion of our retirement community. Trying to be encouraging to her is my best defense for us both as we face each day - also knowing when our time is up - God has our days numbered.

I have found that the desire to die rather than slowly slip away into nothingness is pretty normal? I'm not sure about the compassion in some of the ways we extend life... When a point is reached that complete physical dependence is required and a patient can no longer communicate with others or care for themselves, especially when they are suffering, some of it seems... cruel? I wish that there was a way to have a contract in place to define in detail at what point of deterioration a person would like to be allowed to die. Something like a do not resuscitate order, but for the mind. Even without having dementia myself, I can understand where she's coming from. I have no desire to outlive my mind. I have expressed this to my adult children who have agreed to honor my wishes. I've cared for several people who have taken the long journey to death that Dementia/Alzheimer's brings. I know exactly what it entails. I don't want that for myself. I can't blame anyone else who feels the same. On the other hand I've seen the beauty in caring for a loved one too, so, I don't blame anyone who chooses that either. For me it's all about the choice.

I appreciate everyone advice. Luckily I got he POAs in order before all of this happened so we are good on that front.

She still calls everyday and says she doesn’t remember where she lived just last week even. I’m not sure the duration of this but part of me hopes is is quick so she doesn’t have to suffer or find a cure. Either way is fine with me.

It’s just hard listening to her pain and know I can’t help.

Hugs Nixxon💜🦋

so, fairiefiles, what do you plan on doing?