Mom is in memory care, my sister has POA. She lives closest and primary care taker of mom, she makes all decisions about health care, finances etc. I fly in once a month or when requested for me to be there, for sister's vacations (sometimes 3 times in 1 month). I want to be included in the decision making, at the very least know what is going on with my mom. I have scheduled 2 family meetings (3 kids) to discuss, we make decisions together, then I hear later she changed he mind and did something else, after the fact. She will not allow me to see anything, such as the POA (don't know if it is durable or not), the Trust, the finances. I am not sure that my Mom's wishes are being honored. I know the bill is being paid to facility, where Mom lives. But that is all I know. I just want to be included, at least know what is happening with my mom. My sister sold my mom's house about 2 months ago. Did not tell me. I found out after the fact. Do I have any rights as 1 of 3 children to know what is going on (healthcare, finances) with my Mom? If so, what rights do I have as non-POA child? If I have any rights, what type of attorney do I hire to exercise those rights? Does my sister have any responsibilities to let her siblings know what is going on with our mom (healthcare, finances)?

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WorriedSon, could you clarify a few details for us?

1) What reason does POA Sis give for not showing the POA documents to you? Their purpose is to be shown to people who need to know what authority she has on behalf of your mother. You could go around saying you have POA for your mother. Heck, I could go around saying I have POA for your mother. But we would have to show the documents in order for others to act on them. I know. I faxed/emailed/snail-mailed POA documents to every company or organization or person I needed to work with. POA Sis wants you to accept her authority. Why doesn't she show you the document?
2) In some states the POA must be filed with the county clerk's office. It is then a public record that anyone can see. Have you checked what your mother's state requires?
3) I would think a lawyer would be able to convince Sis to show the document to you. If you are going to contact a lawyer I suggest it be someone specializing in Elder Law.
4) The fact that your sister was able to sell Mother's house suggests to me that she does have some legal authority to handle her affairs. I'd still want to see the documents.
5) Do children have the "right" to knowledge of their parents' financial and/or health data? No. None of them do. A person duly assigned to be a POA does have such rights and responsibilities. Such a person need not be a relative at all. In fact, often POA has the responsibility to keep such data private, unless the principal wishes it to be shared with others. This would be one reason for you to actually read the POAs. What authority regarding confidentiality did Mother specify?
6) Do children have the right to determine disposition of a living parent's property, or where the parent will live, or what treatments the parent will have? No. POA documents convey that authority to some person, who may or may not be a child or other relative. Only the person with legitimate POA can make these decisions (when the POA is in effect.)
7) Managing the affairs of an elder who cannot manage her own affairs is not a democratic process. It is not determined by discussion or by vote. The person with legal authority is responsible for making decisions. Do the children have a right to participate in the decisions? No. In many families there would be discussions and the POA would want to hear what the rest of the family thinks and feels and take that into consideration, but that is not a legal requirement. Ultimately the decision is made by the POA. If you schedule a family meeting and then the POA makes a different decision, that is perfectly legal.
8) You visit your mother at least once a month. (Bless you!) I presume you get a good feeling for the state of her health and her capabilities at that time. What additional information do you want the POA to provide? What will you do with that information? For example, if you knew exactly mom's medications and doses, what would you do about it? Have you tried asking the Director of Nursing, for example?
9) What is the nature of your caregiving when you fly in to where Mother is? She is in a care facility which provides all her needs. What do you do when Sis asks you to take over for a few days?

What "rights" do you have as a son, one of three children? Not very many, I believe. I can understand that you would like the POA to be far more transparent in how things are being handled. But I don't think you have a legally-enforceable "right" to the information. Seeing an Elder Law attorney will help you understand your position, and perhaps suggest ways of achieving some of what you want.
Helpful Answer (1)

I only have one sister. and I try being as open as possible about what's going on. My sister and I are not close however... ~but regardless~, I do not purposely exclude her from information. (mom in AL alzheimers, dad passed from alzheimers/old age)
I have disclosed to sister moms balances in bank accounts, let her know all info for dr, dentist, eye appts.
I've discussed moms HIGH cost of AL. (and could be more each year going forward)
My mom still has her home where we grew up. I keep my sister updated on the home, in case any work has to be done.

I try to be as open as I possible can. I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND why someone would hide information. Even tho I am dPOA and Trustee on all banking. I don't feel I need to be secret.

because my sister is next in line....if something happens to me. then my sister needs to know ahead of time what to expect.

I know everyone is different, but if my sister was POA/trustee. It would make me extremely upset to be left out.

I try to ask for my sisters opinion on decisions I make. Sometimes I make decisions alone. but I try to always be as truthful.

but by NOT BEING TRANSPARENT just ASKS for trouble, and basically I try to avoid conflict.

I got chewed out when my dad passed because I made some decisions regarding the funeral and other small matter. Which I felt was NOT FAIR. I didn't do anything ON PURPOSE.

but anyway, I feel my mom is the one who deserves the best I can offer. and so, even if I don't get along with my sister...I try to be open about everything. its not about me or my sister. its about my mom.

I'm willing to be open and keep tempers to zero.
ITS A HUGE JOB, what I have to keep track of. It stresses me out a lot.

All this probably doesn't help, but as long as you are a concerned sibling and are NOT ATTACKNG, I don't see why your sister cant be more transparent.

btw I have heard plenty of stories about bank accounts being cleaned out...and I don't want anyone accusing ME of that. so that's why im OPEN to sharing all info
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The part about how one thing was decided at a family meeting and then after the meeting your sister did something else without reference to you other two siblings...

What, exactly? It's a question of whether we're talking about battles worth picking, here.

If you have directly asked your sister for sight of her POA documentation, and she refused to let you see a copy, what reason did she give for refusing or did she just ignore your request? If she ignored it, ask again and keep asking until either she coughs up or she gives you a reason.

There might be a short answer to your question about what rights you have - "none" - but then again the answer could be - "it depends."

Unfortunately, what it depends on is the content of the POA documentation, which in your case you have not seen.

I have to tell you, too, that you are talking to an audience which contains a large proportion of primary caregivers who have become kind of allergic to backseat drivers and second-guessing siblings. However: you aren't a seagull - you clearly do do your fair share of hands-on caregiving support, all credit to you.

Can you say a little more about the kind of conversation you've been having with your sister about being included? - is she hostile, is she just fobbing you off, or to be fair is she just too frazzled to give your requests much thought?
Helpful Answer (2)

Seems like you would talk to an eldercare attorney.

If mom has given your sister Healthcare and finances POA, then that's who mom wanted running the show. What are her motives for not sharing information do you think? Have you called he directly to ask " what gives,sis?"

Lawyering up is kind of a hostile act, or at least I think that's how your sister would view it. Do you think this can get resolved without a lawyer?
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