Mom has dementia and she hates me. What do I do?

I'm hearing and thinking she can't help it...I'm just not skilled with the mind change sutuations like this...its caused me to be on heart pills...stress kills and they do say the caretaker goes first...hope not...ok done now

"It is the dementia that hates you not her."

I see and hear this a lot, and even though I guess there is some truth in it, I don't think it is totally true. My mom was always fearful, inappropriate, self-centered, and immature. One of her defining traits is that she never - and I mean NEVER - took responsibility for her actions. Everything cruel thing she said, every mistake she made, was always someone else's fault. And despite having a life full of blessings, she constantly complained how awful her life was (because of other people, of course.). My sisters and I tried many times to get through to her and try to get her to see the damage she did to the people around her, but she would get incredibly angry and start talking about us making her want to kill herself.

So the way I see it, my mom basically made a choice in her life not to work on her issues. With dementia, my mom's negativity - always strong, but now all-consuming - has put her in a h*ll of her own making. Her anxiety, always strong, is now verging on terror. Her lack of gratitude, always strong, is now preventing her from seeing the smallest good thing in her world (and there are many.). And unfortunately, as her caregiver who promised my wonderful dad that I'd take care of her, her world bleeds over into mine every day.

So, yeah, the dementia has made her impossible to reason with, but I've never been under the illusion that my mom is not still in there under all the demented behavior. It's her, and she's reaping what she sowed in terms of the horror that must be her inner world. I've learned a lesson from her, though, and consciously work on cultivating compassion, positivity, acceptance, and trust in God every day. Hopefully if the time comes when I am in her shoes, I'll have some better attitudes and habits in place that might shield the people around me somewhat from the effects of dementia. And, if not, maybe I'll at least have treated people well enough in my life that those people will be able to say, with more sincerity than I can muster, 'it's not her, it's the disease.'

I don't have one of those "my Mom and I never got along" stories. My Mom was always very loving toward me, and we always got along. So, how she behaves now is definitely a change in her behaviour. She has become particularly nasty lately: asking her best friend for the name of a lawyer, telling my sister that I'm not doing a very good job as a POA, telling the same to the people who work at the retirement home (where we "put" her). It feel absolutely hurtful. And I DO take it personally for a few minutes, because I'm a human being and not a robot. However! I KNOW it's the Alzheimer's and, according to the experts, I'm supposed to speak to her with kindness and patience and NOT show her that I'm upset. That's a tall order. But, last week I tried it. I sat beside her, stroked her thigh, and told her it must be scary to not be in control of things, and that she has plenty of money in her bank for many years to come ("because you did such a good job of saving"). It seemed to mollify her -- for the time being. She'll probably go back to be paranoid delusional, but it does me no good to get angry -- at least not in front of her. I admit: it's easier for me to take a "mom break" if she's being too much, because she lives in a retirement (soon nursing) home. It's got to be a lot harder for people who are caring for others in their home.

I just jinxed myself. She hasn't snapped at me in weeks and she just snapped at me a few minutes ago. It was minor..just told me to shut up, but still. Just goes to show how unpredictable this disease can be

lizawren,

Amen, sister!

Chris form Canada,

I took my mom to a Senior behavioral clinic to have her meds adjusted. She went form being impossible to happy and grateful.

Talk to a geriatric doctor.

At an appointment with Mom's neurologist, he prescribed Namenda, telling us that patients who took both Aricept and Namenda together did better than when either of the medications were taken alone. I thought he was referring to Mom's memory, but when I went to get the prescription filled, the pharmacist said that Namenda helped patients with their moods, which I took to mean that it would make them more compliant and cheerful. At the time, I wondered if Mom really even needed Namenda because she never had any outbursts or any other signs of anger. But I followed the doctor's advice and continued to give it to her right up until the day she passed away. Even though her dementia had progressed, she remained her sweet, cooperative self right up to the end. So I am not sure if the Namenda helped, or if it was just my mom's nature, but I never had any problems with her regarding anger outbursts. You might check with her neurologist if your mom isn't already taking Namenda. Maybe it could help. Good luck--be strong!

I'm sorry to hear you having to deal with this issue.
It's not easy to be hated one day, and forgotten totally the next.
Dementia is a cruel disease that reduces someone you loved and respected to someone you barely recognize.
When tempers flare, walk away and come back in a few minutes.
It will calm both of you down.
Things said in anger can never be taken back, and they hurt.
Try to remember the good things about your Mom in the limited time she has left with you.

Thx everyone. Yes queenbee mom is on nemenda but not aircept. Last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster one minute she wants me to love on her and nxt couple days she won't look at me and pulls away when I try to transfer from char to pot. Thx again.

Great support and ideas here for you! I'd like to echo the suggestion that you need to get someone in there periodically switching out with you, please don't try to just tough this out alone. best wishes to you.

As I help my husband dress, brush his teeth etc, he claims I am hurting him. I've slowed my motions down significantly and he has quit complaining. I think people with dementia can have a hard time processing what is going on around them and lash out in frustration.

There's some name for when this happens to a person in the hospital. It's a temprary state due to the stress, lack of sleep and other factors of being in a strange place and being confused. Nevertheless, it's much the same behavior as from a person with full-blown dementia.

I've had to deal with this each time Mom goes to the hospital. It's easier now that I know that it's temporary, but it's still hard to handle.

Listening to the bits about how they hate you, how you don't care and just want their money (even if they don't have any), cursing and abuse are kind of terrible. There's nothing you can say or do to change them. You have to remind yourself of that. As one person already said, it's the dementia that hates you, not her. However, hearing it on a daily basis is hard. If you get angry and frustrated and shout back, don't be too hard on yourself, either.

I found that not arguing or responding is sometimes helpful. Let her rant at you. Let her accuse you. If she's not getting physical and not working herself into a frenzy that would get her physical, just kind of go about your business and ignore it. This was a tip I got from one of the nurses and it seems to kind of work.

Sometimes, I have to be wily - I mean that I sometimes have to distract her so that she goes along with the medical procedure or that the nurse can get at her to do whatever they need (take blood pressure, blood test, etc...).

Sometimes, she'll say "no" to every suggestion I make and then, after some time, will do it on her own if I wait and don't push her. She says she hates TV and doesn't want it on but I sometimes just turn it on when she's agitated and see if the show grabs her attention and calms her down. If it seems to agitate her, more, and switching channels doesn't help, then I do turn it off.

These are things that helped when it's temporary but some of them the nurses told me just work in-general. The hard part is that I know you have to do these, every day, and they're pretty tiring. So, my best wishes to you. I think you have to come to peace with it, basically, to know that, somewhere deep inside where she can't get at it, she does really still love you.

To answer your question about Dementia, my Dad had a form he never said he hated me, but was very forgetful and as I found out later he felt like a burden to me. I had been his caregiver for almost 18 years and I took care of my Mother for 5 years prior she died of cancer and I made a promise that he would always be taken care of as long as I was able. Dad age 84 and I had a very good relationship I was the baby daughter, I believe I took very good care of him we went through a broken hip he healed, then he got colon cancer and healed but he had a bag that needed to be changed and he couldn't do it himself so I had too was not a pleasant thing to do for a parent, but I did it. One night just this past September he stabbed himself I was horrified I usually hear him but this particularly night I did not. When I got up I saw his bedroom light on and went in to check on him. He was trying to get dressed I thought his bag broke and he needed cleaned up. He turned to me and I saw a small mark on his chest I thought he had fallen, I got him to the bathroom and saw stab wounds near his opening I asked him what he did to himself he said he wanted to die. I panic for a minute then got my composure and put a towel between his opening and underware to get him to the hospital, was not bleeding and he was walking. I got him to the hospital in the emergency they said he clipped his spleen and needed to go into surgery he kept saying in emergency that he wanted to die and not be a burden anymore. He had never said this before. The surgery went well and they thought he would be okay, I met with pysch and he told me that older people have a high rate of suicide, I was shocked by this never heard of this. Was making arrangements to get him better, but unfortunately he died a week later in ICU. He just gave up. I loved my Dad with all of my heart and wanted him around for years. I have guilt on my part because I fussed at him about things and was tired sometimes he would wake me up 4 and 5 times a night and yes I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I am 55 years old and have been a caregiver for my parents for half of it but I would do it all over again. I just need to get over the guilt of not telling him I loved him more often, not fussed at him, tried more to make him feel he was not a burden, he was not a burden he was a blessing, he was a great Dad and I miss him along with my Mom everyday. My recommendation to anyone taking care of a parent ask them how they are feeling spend more time with them, don't let them just sit and waste away. I am getting better about the guilt, but I still wonder if I had done more he wouldn't have stabbed himself and would not have gone to surgery would he still be here. This is something I have to live with. I don't know how people who really hurt the elderly can live with themselves. So even if they tell you they hate you, just respond by telling them you love them. I hope this helps you are not alone.

I am really sorry this his happening to you and your mother. My first question would be, "how are you?" This must be a very sad and frustrating thing for you both, but if you are getting dragged down into the depths, you won't be any good to her and your health will deteriorate. Try to arrange for some outside help for a few hours a week. Talk with your doctor as well as her and explain what is going on. They may have ideas that will assist you both. I also agree with the thought that medication may help your mother with her anger and outbursts, but this would definitely need to be discussed with her doctor. My heart goes out to you. Dementia/Alzheimers is such a cruel disease. It slowly removes the one we love and replaces them with someone we can't understand. Try to remember that this is a disease, and diseases know no boundaries. Do the best that you can do, and leave the guilt at the door.

I'm dealing with my mother passing away at 76 and my dad has turned on me. The saddest part is he has turned the whole family and friends against me also. He has been lying about me for years. Im lost

Doodlebug,

A few years ago in a family crisis of great pain, I started seeing a therapist.
All I had to say after the first meeting was : what took me so long? It was so helpful and so worth it. (And insurance paid for it!)

Give it a try--you have nothing to lose.

Doodlebug - does your Dad have dementia? Maybe the kind where you can "showtime" so superficially people think you are OK and believe everything you say? That has to really bite, I'm so sorry!!

Irene, that is a sad story, and if it helps any, I also hate it when people hide what they are really thinking and feeling. Sometimes they turn around and act like you should have known...but tell me, how? Your dad did not want to make you feel bad, but the what he actually did DEFINITELY did and hurt you more than he ever intended, that's for sure. I am very sorry for your loss and sorry the way it happened had to leave you feeling even worse. Big hugs, and prayers for peace...

Just want to say Thx for all positive comments. Dementia sucks just wish I could understand how she can b lovey dovey and few minutes later not making eye contact and pulling away from me.. God bless all the caregivers out there.

Hi Salisbury! Yes, indeed: she's due, actually, for her usual 6-month appointment at the geriatric assessment centre at the end of next month. Tweaking her meds is definitely on my list of questions to ask! :)

Mom had a TBI ( her coumadin level got too high & she bled into her brain which was already dealing with "word salad" from a prior stroke) as well as dementia. I was "Hey lady" a lot. I knew when she did that to call her Miss Betty and not Mom so as not to upset her. We (my sister & I) pretty much just went with the flow. She was in her own little world. With the TBI she was also sometimes very combative & violent. She hit, bit, slapped, etc. We knew it wasn't Mom but the brain injury doing it. As much as she hated what we were doing, and let us know about it in her own way, she more than made up for it at the end. She recognized both of us. To me "I love you, darling" and to my sister "You are so precious". I have heard that there is clarity for patients towards the end that family sometimes mistakes as getting better. I believe it is God's way of letting all say goodbye. Please hang in there. Ativan was also prescribed for my Mom and it did help. Mom's anxiety was a bad culprit until the ativan.

I was just wondering what are the earlye signs of Dimemtia, because I believe my father has been having problems with memory for over 7 years now. He is going to be 80 in March. His anxiety and aggression is only directed at me and not anyone else. Is this normal?

Hang in there! My dad has dementia, probably alzheimer's. He is under 24/7 care at his home. One day, he was nasty. I got frustrated, as I live a distance away and take care of what he needs. I told him how I found his comments frustrating, and nearly cried.

His caretaker advised me that when "he gets a spell like that", to try to remember that it's the dementia. If I feel upset, I should tell him. In her view, it wouldn't be good for me to bottle up my frustrations. I think her advice is dead-on.
I'd like to know how things go for you.

Doodlbug I well tell u this w dementia there is no rhyme or reason. And I don't believe and 2 people progress the same..mom is 91 her early signs were repeating a question ie how old is my grand baby. I'm not sure how accurate the test is but there is one online may u can get him to do ..good luck its a tough road..it seems they r tougher on the ones that do the most for them

My Mom said all her truths. They were hurtful and I cried and wanted to quit but now she is on hospice and sadly I wish she would call me fat or ugly just one more time. It will pass as will she. Believe in the love they had for you and hold on tight.

Thank u Judy we have had a couple good week's thank God. I will say a prayer for u dementia sucks..

Where did my answer go? Took a long time writing it.

Her brain, as you knew it, just isn't there anymore. This is the hardest thing in care giving, they don't know who you are and you are doing things for them because you love them.