As a caregiver who has dealt with people with dementia and Alzheimers, I know this situation arises and can be very difficult to deal with, and that's not even with my own family. What happens, is that a dependent relationship is easily triggered - the "I hate you. You are the problem." on their side, "I'm NOT, I really mean well, it's all for your own good" explanations on yours." I had a patient that really liked me for a couple of weeks, and she would agree to go out for walks, etc, with me, and I met with her and her family. Then I went away for one week, and when I returned and acted familiar with her, she exploded and began shouting, as if I was the monster from hell, for she had forgotten the ties that we were beginning to build just two weeks before. I showed up to work with her as planned, and had to sit in a chair outside her room in a facility, as she would not let me in the door! It was embarrassing, along with distressing.
OK - ways to handle. First, focus on the job, not the relationship. Do what is planned, with cheer but not much chat - Good Morning, it's half an hour before breakfast, I'll let you rest 5 more minutes then I'll be back - and leave, and come back in 5 min. and just say, OK, time to get up - or bring her a glass of OJ, and tell her it's there, or wait till she sits up and hand it to her. And if she drinks it, say "good", and in a minute say, here's your dressing gown - or bring the commode to her - whatever cues her to the next task.
If she starts to battle, just say, "I'm sorry, I'll be in the kitchen, I'll come check on you in half an hour.." That may be time enough for her to calm down and to realize that starting a battle doesn't give her an activity for the day, and that she needs help and care. If you can step back, but tell her you'll return, and then show up again, with next task and warning and instructions or materials for that task - you may be able to get her to focus on the task. I had one elder lady who would battle with me until she was clean, safe and dry and lying in her bed to go to sleep - at which point she always thanked me, and recognized that she didn't make it easy for me.
Yes, get help of others, not to explain necessarily, for she will likely not remember, and if she does, you get your hopes up, and then they are dashed again. They should pass you the next task, and just act with your mom, as if your care is valuable and you are the one who is doing it.
Such people don't remember their physical surroundings or where to find even the smallest items for their self care, and that loss of memory can feel scary, so it really helps to develop a routine and help them get to those parts, take care of the business needed, and don't try to chat until the necessary tasks are over, and they are sitting comfortably, and you too are feeling proud or rested and able to just be with them and chat more at that time. Hope that helps!
Oh dear, I hope I'm not about to follow suit. Mother has just in the last couple of days started saying "you hurt my arm, you hurt my lip" and staring at me reproachfully when the reality is that her arm hurt because she was lying on it and her lip hurt because she'd just stabbed herself with a drinking straw. And kept picking at it with her fingernail, grrrrrr…
I got very annoyed about it yesterday but I've slept on it, grumbled about it to her HHA this morning, and am resigned to not taking it to heart.
If this phase just started for you recently, would it be reasonable to hope it will pass as quickly as it arrived? But in any case, getting in outside support and Castle's tried-and-tested strategies sound good to me. Best of luck, keep posting.
She will have to get to a doctor; if it's to the point she's refusing care, she may have to be hospitalized. Is this change of behavior sudden? A doctor will have to find out why. Maybe it's a UTI. Who knows. I would definitely get her to a doctor.
My mom got very mean and the doctor prescribed some medication (ativan). It helped reset my mom's demeanor. It seemed to track during times of change.
I would see if medication might be an option and if there are activities to give her that will make her feel meaning and purpose (sort and match socks, fold towels), it could help her feel more control and comfort.
While it feels intensely personal, I imagined my mom had a head injury that resulted in a personality change, which helped me manage through these periods.
Actually my Mother hated me all my life and I her, but when she got dementia, who had to care for her....me. Now she only hates me about every other day when she thinks I'm her sister that she didn't like and boy do I get the 'I hate you', I wish you would go to h*ll and burn', you're so stupid....etc and this may go on for hours and hours. I just leave the room because you can't bring them back to reality. In their mind they do hate you and there is nothing you can do about it. To one and all, as long as you are doing what is right by them and not treating them with harm or neglect, don't feel guilty about what we say at times when we are totally, thoroughly frustrated with them. God bless us all and keep us sane and healthy to care for these confused and sick minded people.
My father is an alcoholic with dementia and memory loss as well as anger and paranoia issues. He is always calling me on the phone and accusing me of breaking in the house and taking or doing things. Then he yells at me and threatens me and hangs up the phone. He is mean and nasty and acts like he hates me. What do I do?
Shortstop-you can see the full gamut of ways to manage; from Castle and wonderful deflection and great communication suggestions, to SeaDoc who had to remove themselves from the situation. It's HARD not to take it personally, this is you mom! We'll sort of...her brain is failing her. I describe dementia as brain failure. It's ability to reason, recognize, comprehend etc are gone. It is the disease not your mom acting this way. Castle has great points and suggestions as do others with is this a sudden change, have you discussed w a health care provider, have all other possibilities been ruled out and this is the disease progression?
If so, try some of Castle's suggestions and then try this for yourself emotionally. Put a QTip in your pocket, and while I don't like the first word I like the acronym, Quit Taking It Personally. That's the hard part I know, but between the new ideas and a simple phrase to remember perhaps you can find a solution for you and her. It's not her acting this way, it's the disease and your mom is scared, confused and frustrated on the inside and she no longer can express that, her brain does not know how. Good luck and hope you find some peace in these suggestions.
It is so very hard to see the person you love not recognize you and then pretty much turn on you. My Mom often thought I was my father and would take out a lot of pent-up anger on me. The first time it happened I was so shocked, and it was impossible to not feel sad and then angry. It took quite a while for me to put things in perspective and to not take it personally, but the fact is that the Mom I knew and loved was simply not there anymore. I tried to switch into neutral caregiver mode, but the sense of loss was always present. You are doing a brave and wonderful thing by taking care of your Mom, and the reality is that she doesn't hate you. The disease hates her. It hates us as caregivers. But that doesn't take away from the fact that you are doing the best you can in an awful and bewildering situation. Try to see her as a difficult child. She won't appreciate what you do, but you will always know that you tried to do the right thing, and in the end, that is worth its weight in gold.
My 87 y.o. Mom was in respite care in a Senior Living facility for 8 months while her home was repaired due to a fire. Her transition home was grueling and did not adjust well.
She was physically and verbally abusive towards me. One day she started screaming uncontrollably. I called the police and asked for Adult Protective Services be called for her and for me (62),
Within the five minutes when the police arrived she was calm, no elevated BP no nothing. APS has been my lifesaver. A psychologist came to see her weekly, Passport is in place with meals, home care giver giving me a huge relief.
That is great advice. It is reallyimportant to remember that these agencies are there for a reason. And,lo and behold, the behavior improves around strangers and professionals. How about that!
You must remember that your mom has dementia, she is not the same person that raised you, dementia changes the personality and it's not something she can control. It must be hurtful to you because you think she hates you. You can contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association for more info on dementia, dementia behaviors, how to deal with behaviors and where to get help as a caregiver. You can also contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services; your mom may qualify for programs that will allow for her to receive care in her home, this would give you a break. Remember, you are not alone as a caregiver of a person with dementia, it's can be difficult, frustrating and thankless. We do it because we love the person we are caring for even if they have changed. Seek out caregiver support, it's important you care for yourself or you won't be able to care for your mom.
@SeaDoc: I so hear you. My dad had early dementia as well as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but was so good at manipulating people that they didn't even recognize his dementia or NPD. When he crossed the line by portraying me as an elder abuser of himself, meddler into his financial and personal affairs, and as a coercer to legal authorities in his state (I live 1200 miles away) who were investigating an alleged case of abuse on my mom by her care manager, I also walked. My dad wrote me out of his part of my parents' estate, but for my own safety I had to walk. Plus, I had to draw the line and, once my mom passed away, decided that I was no longer going to put up with his years of mentally abusive behavior and his disrespect toward my family and me. He's gone now and I'm so glad.
Thanks to you all for this topic. I am going thru this with my mom 86 and I'm 45. Long story short I can relate to you all and have taken something from each of you. I'm going to my first caregiver support meeting tonight as long as my anxiety does not get the best of me. I think what your all doing is amazing. I never thought I would be doing this at this time in my life. I just take it day by day minute by minute. Hugs to you take care :)
@Kevin11: My dad was also a nasty SOB (see my post to SeaDoc above). Are you legally named as your dad's power of atty or guardian? If not, why do you feeI the need to put up with his mentally abusive behavior toward you? I suggest that you set very strong boundaries with him and detach from him. His accusations could escalate to him reporting you to the police who will believe his lies before they'll believe you. If this happens,It will be no end of legal trouble, stress, and heartache for you. Unless you are legally his power of atty or guardian, you have no legal or moral obligation to take care of him.
My suggestion is that you talk with his dr. about his behavior and, if there's someone in his city's social services agency, I would contact them to see what they can offer you. This latter may not get you anywhere. In other discussion threads at this site, there have been posts indicating that adult protection services (APS) isn't much help. Basically, what you need to do is protect yourself from your dad. This means detaching from him big time, starting with not answering his phone calls. If you are legally named as his POA or guardian, you may want to consider seeing your dad's estate atty to excuse yourself from these duties.
The biggest thing is, your dad's behavior toward you is mentally abusive and you shouldn't feel like you have to put up with it, especially given the other conditions that are accompanying his dementia--- a dangerous mix for you. Given that elder abuse and exploitation of vulnerable adults is such a hot button item and legal authorities are so self-righteous and do an appalling job of investigating and verifying allegations, you'll have no leg to stand on if your dad escalates his accusations. Just because he's your dad doesn't mean you have to put up with his crap and disrespect. You may just have to walk, as SeaDoc and I did. It's not easy to do, but don't beat yourself up for your dad's behavior.
My mother has had ongoing mental and emotional issues that go all the way back to my and my sister's early childhood and her behavior only has gotten worse as she has gotten older. If you are doing all that you can to help and doing so in a kind and humane manner, then know that her behavior is all about her, it is not about you and difficult as it is, please try no to take her negative behavior and comments toward you personally. Do what you can and must to help her, but try to keep an emotional bubble of protection around you. Even if you have to visualize . . . visualize! You walk with beautiful little angels surrounding and protecting you with a beautiful spun-gold cocoon that acts as a real barrier to outward slings of arrows of unkindness . . . those arrows just bounce off your gold cocoon . . . and you walk in peace and beauty.
This type of visualization can help, when all else fails.
Start dressing differently, maybe a different hairstyle and introduce yourself as her new nurse. You will get to enjoy being with her...ignore anything she may say negatively about 'her daughter' and know that she will see the best of "YOU" when it matters most.
This is something I got from a classmate last night...not because of dementia but other reasons. It gave me great comfort for a burden I have carried for quite some time. Do WHATEVER it takes to be there for your mom and make sure she is well cared for. Nursing homes are NOT the answer...not until we have a radical shift in our government and the citizens stand up to take this country back to when it was good because we were WITH GOD, the God of the bible.
I pray for you and your mom....I had a brief stint of this scenario with my mom and fortunately she recovered mentally...but her health was shot as she was dieing with cancer. However, as I was enlightened last night, she got to see the best of me in her last years.
I call this ,"...being the enemy..."~It is a part of being a caregiver for a person who suffers from any mental illness. My advice~BE GOOD TO YOU~Keep on top of it so you don't get caregiver burnout. I can only speak from my personal experience.
I recently got fried out myself. I have been the only caregiver for my husband for the past 15 years or so. (I stopped counting years after a while.) I am a well educated woman who is a R.N., as well as having a counseling degree. I have the skills to be a caregiver. I am also human & it is difficult to be, "...the enemy...", in any situation.
What I didn't seem to realize is that I needed a break too. It is difficult not to take things personal. I had all these tricks that I would use on clients & they worked for some time however, I did not allow for BURNOUT for myself.
Reading this to a friend she suggested to play music for your mom as well. Start with children's songs all the way up to the music she liked before she became ill. :D
So sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult situation. I am going through similar issues. My mother has been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia and for the past 6 months my two sisters and I have been caring for my elderly father and mom in their home. My father had congestive heart failure and just passed away 3 weeks ago. My mom saw her three daughters as a threat and treats us badly. She does not have any short term memory and she also has hallucinations. I talk myself into not taking anything mom says personally. I have separated myself into more of a "caring" mode vs. daughter mode. I always remind myself that she cannot reason and so I never try to argue or to respond with anything that will make her more agitated. I have found that when she is combative verbally the best thing to do is not to respond. Anything that I could say would be used as fuel to fire more hatred. Those with dementia issues like the same routine and things around them to remain the same. Any change can upset them. Hospice brought in a hospital bed, wheel chair, walker and other equipment for our dad. That was a huge change for mom. Our being there to take care of dad was also a huge change. We had to make sure mom was safe with her issues, but at the time the care for our dad was more important. So mom would physically push us, threaten to slap or hurt us, say statements such as "I hate you"..."You are not in control, this is my home not yours"..."You are not my daughter and you do not love me". Even if we responded that we did love her and that we were there to help her and dad, she would come back with "no you do not love me...nobody loves me." One thing that worked well is to "redirect" her by my leaving the room or changing the subject if she begins to get irritated with me. After dad passed, we had mom evaluated and this is when the doctors said that she had Lewy Body Dementia and for her safety and the safety of others, that she would need to be placed into a facility with an Alzheimers Lock Down unit. She has been in a wonderful facility for 3 weeks now. She is adjusting, but does not understand why she is there because in her mind, she is perfectly fine. Keep in mind that the demintia patient will never understand that they have memory loss or mental illness. They live in their world of reality and we cannot change that. Agree with them and say anything that will keep them calm. My mom thought that there was a stranger living in her basement. He called her on the phone and she gave in detail the conversation. I knew that this did not happen, but I would never be able to help her understand that it did not happen...so my comments to calm her were..." Mom, we will make sure that the basement door is locked so that he will never be able to get in there again and we will make sure that you are safe and so now you do not have to ever worry about it again. Of course with the memory loss, we had to remind her of that everytime she mentioned it. This situation is so emotionally, mentally and physically draining. You definitely need a support system. I cannot imagine going through what I have been through without my sisters. The situation is the most stressful of anything that I have ever experienced. My mom never wanted to go to a doctor although we saw her unusual behavior now for years. My dad was able to cope with her and to keep her calm until he became to weak to do so. Dad knew that she needed help, but because of her strong willed personality...he could not even get her to the doctor. After dad's funeral, my husband and I brought her to our home to spend the night so that she would not be by herself. On the way, she tried to jump out of the car! When we arrived at our home she threatened to walk out into the street. She had such an emotional "breakdown" that I had to call 911. We had her transported via EMS to a local hospital where she was observed and evaluated. She only scored a 4 out of 30 on a cognitive test. It is indeed such a sad thing to see a family member with dementia. We have had many friends and family praying for us as we go through getting mom help and making sure that she is well cared for. We visit her and are volunteering at the assisted facility where she now lives. I hope that this information will help and I do want to encourage you to seek support to get through everything.
I remember taking care of my mother in law and I don't think she ever really liked me not sure my husband at the time said he thinks she was getting sick back then. She accused me of saying her d*mn cats hurt my son which it did but I blamed my son for bothering it not the cat. Anyway as she got worse I was her full time caregiver and she really didn't like me she told him I never fed her and I was trying to kill her if I tried to get her in the shower so sometimes I had to wait till her got home. One day in August a very, very hot day.she came out with six sets of clothes on one on top of the other six!! plus her winter coat and winter hat sweat was running down her face but she said she was fine leave her alone she had her street shoes on and a bottle of oil of olay stuck in her slipper which were over top her shoes. She had her cats in a plastic bag and she was going home period. I had to get the cats from her first and she was trying to leave the house and I knew if the cats didn't get air they would die and if she opened the door the cats would be gone forever. So after getting my shins kicked to death I did save the cats but could not get her to take off the coat or clothes until her son came home and she didn't like him either at that point she didn't recognize him at that time. So she tried to get outside again she was walking home period. He picked her up and put her in her bedroom and helped me start taking some of the clothes off her and after we got her settled her son took a shower and had changed his clothes and she said oh son I am so glad you are here there was a big bad man here and he picked me up and put me in here. So the good thing in the end is she did remember him in his causal clothes and not his suit and although I still didn't feed her lol she was sure gaining weight since I fed her all day it seemed she was always hungry which was not like her at all either. So it takes time and patience and know that once it takes over your mind it isn't your mother saying those things her brain is messed up with disease and it is not them hating you. Look at the bright side you were able to give back to your mother what she had to do for you when you were a baby and growing up.
Very common -- it's got a name: The Cargiver Enemy Syndrome. You represent and remind the person you are caring for that they cannot do that for themselves now. This often results in resentment, poor behaviour, sometimes even violence against the caregiver. Keep a thick skin and realize that you are doing a very important job and remember that the person probably would not be doing these things to you, if they were in control of their faculties. If it is all personal and this sort of thing existed prior to the illness, give up caregiving -- you are the wrong person to do it, and can't possible succeed. You will never be "good enough" or "do it right" and you will never hear the end of it, either. You will succeed in ruining your own life and health, though.
Shortstop do not take her behaviors personally. She might not even know who you are or that you remind her of someone she did hate in her "normal" state. Just continue to help her, love her and know that God is watching out for you!
I dealt with this with my grandmother. I care for her 3 days a week.We have always had a good relationship and then all of the sudden her personality changed. She would snap at me for no reason, yell at me and it was always out of the blue. It went on like that for a couple of months. Magically, that behavior has stopped. I pray it doesn't start back up again, but I am aware that it is a good possibility.
They are afraid and confused. Tindal said in the above post to think of them as a small child and that is what I did a few years ago. It has been easier and her and me. My mom always loved me, but had gotten so hateful, it just made me sad. But I knew she wasn't really mom anymore. Dementia was eating her alive. She often voices that she is afraid. I always say "I am watching out for you." I do know she depends on me and has actually calmed down . I have a great helper in my husband.
Wow alot of my situation too...I am starting to think my mom doesn't even like me...I am adopted at 2 yrs old and their bio son passed in 2013 from liver cancer...all other family is either passed or in their late 80's like my parents and my dad has only 1 sister...93 yrs old and lives in another state...mom has no siblings left...so I'm all they have...I wanted to take care of them as they saved my life adopting me...when mom had a stroke last april I was made aware thru a class about stroke patients. ..and knew emotions will be all over the place...anger for loosing some of their independence which is bad enough...mom gets very angry I have noticed as a pattern is anytime I say something she doesn't want to hear or do she has a fit...I've tried to deal with it but when she keeps throwing in my face is every thing I ever did bad/wrong as a child...omg I've asked to plz let the past go...I was a kid and I'm sorry I was a handful but lets look at present and future...she had fought me over her excercises that would help balance and walking with specially made brace...she acted to nurse and pt and ot people all she wanted was to walk...she hated anyone doing things for her...which is normal for her to feel...but as soon as all the thearpist were done and after they would leave the house she acted totally different with me and hell with what they said shes not doing it...I tried for three months after everyone was done working with her...medical only allows 3 to 4 months at home help...the scary part is she would flop like a fish out of water while I'm in the middle of transferring from wheelchair to bed or chair and even potty...I am not letting her hit the floor on my clock...so I have a good grip on her and had to finally put her safely somewhere cause my butt is getting tired of controling her body weight as shes thrashing around saying I can do it myself...I don't need you...so I did acouple times sit her alittle ruffer than normal...well now I've told her I need help...which ive asked parents to plz think about it...all the fighting and rubbing in my face my naughty childhood and I was a handful but she feels I have to except what ever she gives me as a...its my turn...I said nope....I was also threatened I was going to jail for abuse if call anyone to come to the house...county...nurse ect...shes afraid they'll yank her and dad out and send them anywhere. ..and take everything they have to pay for whatever facility...I tried to explain they were more resources than wanting to take u away...go ahead she said and YOUR GOING TO JAIL...yes yelling it...I looked mom in her eyes and said..I told her how she was flooping around and I had to keep her from falling to floor she just yell at me to shut up and do I think they would believe me over her...I also asked her directly. ..you mean to tell me that you would have your child arrested on a lie...she said oh yes and more so you just call them...so I feel hated and like she regrets adopting me...and yet sometimes she hugs me and says I know I fight with you but I do love you...so then I kind of want to keep trying...dad has early stages of dementia and his memory is pretty bad...mom remembers things from her childhood but I noticed recent things shes forgetting. ..her anger needs to be looked out and yes I asked her...no begged her to talk to someone on your anger and she says...it wouldn't be if you just shut up...I was in for the long haul cause I think every senior should be at their home...I took mom out early from home cause sge cried...she'd rather die than stay there...I got on it...thinking I have been helping her at the home on alot of things she was being taught on her thearpy days and I was there every day...dad and I had lunch and sometimes dinner with her...so 8am to 5pm...I knew I could help her walk...do excercises. ..transfer her...I got the house ready for her...had senior center come and put in saftey bars for her good hand to use...her left wrist has stiffened curled in towards her chest...but with gard work s he could have walked with a hemi walker...have sone independence back..and less physical touching...dad isn't as string anymore either...their in there late 80's. ..anyways I guess I've run my miuth enough now and want to say I understand this subject well and wish the best for everyone
OK - ways to handle. First, focus on the job, not the relationship. Do what is planned, with cheer but not much chat - Good Morning, it's half an hour before breakfast, I'll let you rest 5 more minutes then I'll be back - and leave, and come back in 5 min. and just say, OK, time to get up - or bring her a glass of OJ, and tell her it's there, or wait till she sits up and hand it to her. And if she drinks it, say "good", and in a minute say, here's your dressing gown - or bring the commode to her - whatever cues her to the next task.
If she starts to battle, just say, "I'm sorry, I'll be in the kitchen, I'll come check on you in half an hour.." That may be time enough for her to calm down and to realize that starting a battle doesn't give her an activity for the day, and that she needs help and care. If you can step back, but tell her you'll return, and then show up again, with next task and warning and instructions or materials for that task - you may be able to get her to focus on the task. I had one elder lady who would battle with me until she was clean, safe and dry and lying in her bed to go to sleep - at which point she always thanked me, and recognized that she didn't make it easy for me.
Yes, get help of others, not to explain necessarily, for she will likely not remember, and if she does, you get your hopes up, and then they are dashed again. They should pass you the next task, and just act with your mom, as if your care is valuable and you are the one who is doing it.
Such people don't remember their physical surroundings or where to find even the smallest items for their self care, and that loss of memory can feel scary, so it really helps to develop a routine and help them get to those parts, take care of the business needed, and don't try to chat until the necessary tasks are over, and they are sitting comfortably, and you too are feeling proud or rested and able to just be with them and chat more at that time. Hope that helps!
I got very annoyed about it yesterday but I've slept on it, grumbled about it to her HHA this morning, and am resigned to not taking it to heart.
If this phase just started for you recently, would it be reasonable to hope it will pass as quickly as it arrived? But in any case, getting in outside support and Castle's tried-and-tested strategies sound good to me. Best of luck, keep posting.
I would see if medication might be an option and if there are activities to give her that will make her feel meaning and purpose (sort and match socks, fold towels), it could help her feel more control and comfort.
While it feels intensely personal, I imagined my mom had a head injury that resulted in a personality change, which helped me manage through these periods.
What do I do?
Castle has great points and suggestions as do others with is this a sudden change, have you discussed w a health care provider, have all other possibilities been ruled out and this is the disease progression?
If so, try some of Castle's suggestions and then try this for yourself emotionally. Put a QTip in your pocket, and while I don't like the first word I like the acronym, Quit Taking It Personally. That's the hard part I know, but between the new ideas and a simple phrase to remember perhaps you can find a solution for you and her. It's not her acting this way, it's the disease and your mom is scared, confused and frustrated on the inside and she no longer can express that, her brain does not know how.
Good luck and hope you find some peace in these suggestions.
She was physically and verbally abusive towards me. One day she started screaming uncontrollably. I called the police and asked for Adult Protective Services be called for her and for me (62),
Within the five minutes when the police arrived she was calm, no elevated BP no nothing.
APS has been my lifesaver. A psychologist came to see her weekly, Passport is in place with meals, home care giver giving me a huge relief.
Big believer in Adult Protective Services, Ohio.
That is great advice. It is reallyimportant to remember that these agencies are there for a reason. And,lo and behold, the behavior improves around strangers and professionals. How about that!
My suggestion is that you talk with his dr. about his behavior and, if there's someone in his city's social services agency, I would contact them to see what they can offer you. This latter may not get you anywhere. In other discussion threads at this site, there have been posts indicating that adult protection services (APS) isn't much help. Basically, what you need to do is protect yourself from your dad. This means detaching from him big time, starting with not answering his phone calls. If you are legally named as his POA or guardian, you may want to consider seeing your dad's estate atty to excuse yourself from these duties.
The biggest thing is, your dad's behavior toward you is mentally abusive and you shouldn't feel like you have to put up with it, especially given the other conditions that are accompanying his dementia--- a dangerous mix for you. Given that elder abuse and exploitation of vulnerable adults is such a hot button item and legal authorities are so self-righteous and do an appalling job of investigating and verifying allegations, you'll have no leg to stand on if your dad escalates his accusations. Just because he's your dad doesn't mean you have to put up with his crap and disrespect. You may just have to walk, as SeaDoc and I did. It's not easy to do, but don't beat yourself up for your dad's behavior.
This type of visualization can help, when all else fails.
This is something I got from a classmate last night...not because of dementia but other reasons. It gave me great comfort for a burden I have carried for quite some time. Do WHATEVER it takes to be there for your mom and make sure she is well cared for. Nursing homes are NOT the answer...not until we have a radical shift in our government and the citizens stand up to take this country back to when it was good because we were WITH GOD, the God of the bible.
I pray for you and your mom....I had a brief stint of this scenario with my mom and fortunately she recovered mentally...but her health was shot as she was dieing with cancer. However, as I was enlightened last night, she got to see the best of me in her last years.
God bless you and your mom.
In Christ's Love,
Susan
My advice~BE GOOD TO YOU~Keep on top of it so you don't get caregiver burnout. I can only speak from my personal experience.
I recently got fried out myself. I have been the only caregiver for my husband for the past 15 years or so. (I stopped counting years after a while.) I am a well educated woman who is a R.N., as well as having a counseling degree. I have the skills to be a caregiver. I am also human & it is difficult to be, "...the enemy...", in any situation.
What I didn't seem to realize is that I needed a break too. It is difficult not to take things personal. I had all these tricks that I would use on clients & they worked for some time however, I did not allow for BURNOUT for myself.