Mom has dementia, her behaviors are wearing on me. How do I handle this?

my mum is early stages and I dont have this problem yet? Just one week after respite I noticed her repeating the same story over and over it was very scary but she hasnt done this since??
I must say though although I dont have children I think its sad that your kids dont understand and support you? I think I would sit them down and tell them that they need to understand this illness and how much its hurting you that they dont visit and how much you need them to support you. visiting a sick old lady is not much fun but thats life and surely spending a short time with her isnt asking for much? When you are caring for someone 24/7 spending a short time once a week is nothing its so unfair that you feel that you have to choose your children should be a bit more understanding I just cant imagine letting someone go through this on thier own and when its close family it hurts like hell! Hope you talk this through with your kids they are being a bit selfish dementia is hard on everyone but its not going away and it will get worse. My mum does not want a NH or to move with me what do you do I have nightmares about her being forced against her will into a home she is not safe here on her own and if thats what her doc thinks we can enforce this by law here I pray it will not come to this.

I do want you to know because you sound something like what I experienced before my mom and her dementia. My grandfather was dropped off at my house for three years. I had no room for him for one, i worked 40+ a week, raising 4 kids, and 2 foster children. I knew nothing about Alzheimers, except mainstream info, the don't remember. Ultimately what happened was he choked to death at my house. He was losing so much weight, and my thought was to give him extra calories, so I made him french toast sticks with tons of syrup. He choked on it that evening. My 16 year old son gave him the hymlic and saved his lived. The ambulance came but they didn't take him to the hospital, as my son had saved him, all his vitals were good. The next day a friend of mine wanted to come hang out at the house while I was at work, I let him but gave him strict instructions to feed gpa on every even hour , 12, 2.4, etc. I got a call from my son at work at 4:45, he was in hysterics, Mom, I think gpa is dead. He had choked, my friend (my ex) had made him a damn peanut butter sandwich. He didn't wait until he was finished eating and left, my son was on the computer and turned to look and saw gpa slumped over. He tried really hard to revive him, but couldn't. The point is find out what you can about Alzheimers, I saw a post where someone was explaining about possible seizures, learn all you can. When you have Alzheimers they can forget how to swallow from what I understand,. Also something with that punching bag in the back of our throats . Alzheimers is more than just the memory. Also know that their tastes change. I know that my mother doesn't like hardly anything, (but she is cantankerous). spices she used to love she can't tolerate. I think also they feel different things and explain them the only way they know how. My mom says she has anxiety attacks, when I don't believe that is what they are at all, it is something going on in her stomach neurologically. So ask different questions, you have to learn to be slick. My mom goes to the bathroom and then can't go, she will tell me she is constipated, when it is a feeling she gets that truly has nothing to do with a bowel movement. I hope this helps you , I am so glad that we have this place to go. Us BABY BOOMERS sure have our hands full. Karma guys remember Karma, we will get back ten fold what we give LOL. So lets hope we can teach our kids to be empathetic. We are all born, and we all die, it is reality. Hopefully our children will be kinder than this generation we are dealing with , I don't know if it was from the depression in the 30's or what ,, but man the all must have drank the same Kool-aid. LOl

Sounds like you and your mom are living in my house.....behaviors, hungry after throwing plates on the floor, but doesn't know how it got on the floor...But a change of medicine and omitting one has helped..hallucinations are not as aggressive are only outside and not in the house kicking her out of bed and chairs or urinating on her pants and floor. Take a deep breath and walk away move on to whatever comes next. It is frustrating.... my husband calls her wonder mom... wonder what she'll throw at us next... literally and behaviorally.

Sometimes my patience is tried when my BF's mother asks what day it is at least 15 times an hour (one of her favorite questions). When she asks other questions repeatedly it seems she is often just trying to make conversation, so I'll try to come up with a different answer each time that makes her laugh. I have 2 dogs and often she will ask me how many dogs I have. I'll say 7 or 20 with a straight face and she realizes that I'm kidding and just seems happy to get a response and is amused by the ridiculous answers. Other times, she will repeatedly ask what my BF and I are going to do that day. I sense she does that when she feels anxious about us doing something without her. I might come up with a list of about 5-10 things (we are going roller skating, then we are going dancing, then we are going hunting, etc, etc.) then ask if she would like to join us. Again, she will laugh at the response and it seems to diffuse her anxiety. I can't say I always have the patience (or the ready quick responses), but this approach does seem to lighten the mood and help me keep my sanity.

wow....do I ever get it. I have been sitting here nursing a tension headache all day. MIL lives with us full time. We have caregivers some days and she goes to adult day center twice a week til 2pm. But, this does not stop the changes in the behavior. Prior to the new year the hardest thing to deal with was her spitting and hacking every time she went in the bathroom. She is Chinese and apparently she is reliving the fun of spitting as she did when she was younger. It is a custom to prevent illness they say. Well, she has never been hospitalized and she is 91...perhaps there is some truth to it? Anyhow, I got a white noise machine and ear plugs for the night. She often thinks its morning at 3am and commences hacking and spitting for 15 minutes or more in the bathroom. Also before the new year, she started making sucking and clicking noises. Since the new year she has commenced sighing, groaning, moaning, uh huhing etc.....constantly. The only time she stops is when she sleeps. Even then, she sighs all night. LOUDLY.
I have been under a lot of stress. I am burned out and I have no place to go but, here. I love my husband. I feel foolish for now being able to deal with this. I am going to a therapist tomorrow. I just hate getting up and knowing that she will be here making noises all the way til 10pm every night. I know this is the place she should be....not a home. Although she does have the money. And, at some point one of us might have to go. I fear though that it will be me. My husband is afraid I will leave him. He is also mad because he doesn't understand my impatience all the time. He is at work. Its his mom. My mom died from cancer 10 months ago. I really have no idea what to do. I just cry. I am sad...I write. ...I walk when I can. I leave the house when there is another person here. But, I still can't watch television with my husband without the incessant smack, groan, moan...UGH. My head wants to explode writing this. We stay in a hotel one night a week without her. Our sister stays or our niece. But, it isn't enough of a compromise. We sold her house. When it closes should I suggest that we stay at a hotel another night? We considered renting me an apartment but, the SF BAY AREA IS RIDICULOUS.

I moved in with my mom to care for her around the clock. I went through the same repetitive questions as well. She would asked to go to the grocery, and said that her dogs were going to starve if they didn't get food, at least 100 times a day. She continued doing this for 2 months, then soon after the repetitive questions came the aggression and outburst, then several trips to the ER from falling... I also developed anxiety and depression while caring for her. I love her dearly but I felt helpless to her needs, so much that I had got to the point to where I could no longer care for her... She has been in a nursing home for 6 months now. I still have my moments of guilt, but it helps knowing that she is under professional care & all the nursing staff love her to pieces and call her Grandma :)... Wishing you the best!!

Do people with dementia ever accept the fact that they have the disease? My mother is 86 and has been told by her doctors that she has dementia, however, she thinks they are full of crap. She claims that they tell that to all older people. Her reasoning makes it hard to deal with her behaviors. Seems as if we argue more than communicate, although there is little to talk about since she doesn't want to do anything or go to daycare more than two days. I'm just curious if they ever accept their diagnosis.

J2, my mother goes back and forth. Sometimes she says something's wrong with her mind, but other times she says nothing's wrong. One thing I have learned, though, that I'd better not ever say something's wrong. That will make her mad for sure.

J2, I think the answer to your question is NO. In the earliest stages a person may be able to grasp and hold onto the idea, but even then, most get defensive.

As JessieBelle says, you should never - except when you can't help yourself - tell her that there is anything wrong with her mind. Call it confusion, or a little problem with your memory. Minimize it. There is no point in BOTH of you being depressed! LOL.

One of the members uses the name NotHisFault. That's the thing to remember. They sure didn't choose to get this disease, and their weird unpleasant behavior is just because they are trying to survive. If you want to learn some ways to divert them, google Teepa Snow and watch some of her videos.

ejbunicorn caught some crap for her second response, but her first one was right on the money. This is the disease. The repetition will continue. The denial will continue. The disgusting habits will continue. It sucks. Come here and complain all you want.

But you can't really succeed or even survive as a caregiver if you keep wishing and expecting things to be different. This is what the job is. Try to adjust and accept. If you can't, then maybe you are not cut out to be a caregiver. There is no sin in that. We all have different abilities and breaking points. Some of us can be nurses. Some of us can repair cars or be stockbrokers or telemarketers. Lots of us here can be caregivers for a while, until our health and sanity is at risk.

If you can't accept this job and its crappy aspects, (or when you have reached your breaking point,) then don't keep beating your head against the wall. Get your loved one into an AL or NH and oversee their care and have pleasant loving visits. That is really a better solution for both of you.

Well said, Jinx.

Going back to the 'do sufferers ever understand their disease?" point - we're at the early stages (with a few mid-stage signs/moments), but I've been pleasantly surprised and impressed at how matter-of-fact my mother's being in discussions with her doctors and with me. I think Teepa mentions it, too: this point about explaining that what we're dealing with is brain function disease, which can affect absolutely ANY aspect of behaviour from thinking to memory to bodily functions and motor skills to personality, speech and language processing… you cannot expect any warning of what is going to go wrong next, and only a tiny element of a process like communication needs to go wrong for the whole system to collapse.

So far, when my mother is upset or confused about a given subject, or finds she can't do some everyday task like sitting down safely in an armchair, being reminded that her brain is mechanically going wrong actually reassures her. It's as though, to her, it's somehow morally ok to have something physically wrong with you, in a way that is not acceptable if your problem is mental or emotional.

I really hope the trend for changing titles from "Memory Clinic", e.g., to "Brain Function Clinic" will catch on - it's a matter of accuracy, not polite euphemism or mere fashion. Not that there aren't still things I dread, but I'll take every aid to perspective I can get.

ModestTruth mentioned using Adult Day Care to give you a break or give them a break. Can someone tell me if this is covered by Medicare? I have a feeling it is paid out of our pockets but thought I would ask. Also, can anyone give suggestions on how to make them go if they throw a fit and refuse?

Holycow, the dept of aging in your county will give you some help here. I think there are some Adult Day Centers that offer a few hours of respite, a hotmeal and some interaction for a minimal fee. In Ireland they have an Adult Center that picks up seniors and gives them lunch and they have activities for 10 euros. My mom loved going, and she was the one who was refusing to go and threw a fit, but her doctor asked her to go once and let me have some time to go out for an hour or so, she agreed and really began to enjoy it, was looking to go there on the weekend.

I just read the article called "Hard Stuff". She says that dementia is a dance. I think that is so true! Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow and sometimes you just sway to the rhythm of dementia.

I think the thing with dealing with a loved one with dementia is to not allow it to become a personal battle. To not take it personally. It is a disease over which the sufferer has no control. It is not a contest between you and the afflicted person. If you can hang on to that, you will be able to deal with your loved one with kindness and humor...and love.

But, no matter what, caregivers need to take care of themselves and take regular breaks away from caregiving. And that means a real break...not five minutes or just a bathroom break...but a real break-- totally away-- like a day out with friends or time for dinner and a movie...something that really takes you away for a while and into a different environment. I believe this is vital. And helps to replenish your ability to love and nurture rather than to just provide care.

One helpful tip I learned from a friend whose 98 year old Dad asked the same questions over and over again I'm know using with my 88 year old Dad who has dementia.

Since the person asking the question has no idea that they already asked you that question, getting agitated doesn't help, since they won't know what is agitating you and it won't stop their behavior anyway.

So I simply answer him with a different answer each time - I make sort of a game out of it. It's more for me and my sanity than for my Dad, but I realize that at some point I won't have him in my life anymore, and would relish any interaction or question from him again.

You are lucky that she only say or ask over and over.my mother screams for days sometimes non stop day and night. Health wise she is ok but befor she had 2 stroks. My husband and kids are so tired. That loud voice day and night some times for days .

What were the effects of your mother's strokes, Kecalm? You say her health is okay, but what did the strokes do to her body? How long since she had them?

Why did the strokes do other brain? It sounds as though she has some form of dementia brought on by the strokes probably vascular dementia probably vascular.
This of course has to be your decision, but this is something you can not control and it is destroying your family life so maybe the time is right to place her in memory care.
She is your mother and you love her but she can't be allowed to destry the lives of you and your family. You may have promised never to put her in a nursing home and that is fine but you did not know she would scream day and night so I feel you can be released from any guilt if it is necessary to place her