Since that time has had multiple incidents including her calling me 2 months ago lost at the mall, no idea how she got there or who she had come with. Could not find her car. Today I called her and she said something was wrong with her car. Upon inspection it was obvious she had an accident. Does not remember. Advice on how to take her car??? She lives in a continuing care community most of year, at a vacation home where someone is with her most of the time for the summer.

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vadaughter, take Mom's can into the shop to be repaired but make "therapeutic fibs" saying why it is taking so long to return the car. Like "the shop had to order parts and the parts are on back order".

Remember, any time we take away something from our parent, we need to replace it with something else.

Thus, set up a transportation service for your Mom. Or tell Mom you will be available on such and such days to take her where ever she wishes to go. Make sure you set boundaries. I didn't with my parents, and it seemed like they wanted to leave their house 2-3 times a day. Not easy when one works full-time :(
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to freqflyer

Yikes! Whose idea was it that Mom should take a driving test and pay $400 to pass? Were you intimidated by her into agreeing to this? This is what terrifies me when my children are out on the road with my precious grandchildren in the cars.

You need to backpeddle and become an accomplished teller of the Therapeutic Fib. Don’t leave the keys out where she can get them. Disable the car somehow (a mechanic can tell you how) for back-up security. It’s not easy to take away their independence, but for the safety of others on the road, it’s necessary.

My mom gave up her car voluntarily after a fender bender that wasn’t even her fault. I took her shopping and to appointments about twice a week. It wasn’t overwhelming. If anything, it encouraged her to join in the activities at her Senior Apartment. She also had access to the Community Transport. It really wasn’t the end of the world.
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Reply to Ahmijoy

We had a patient that pulled out of our drive and almost got hit. Her son was told about it. He took her to DMV and claims she was tested and OK. Yeh, maybe then but Dementia doesn't work like that. She went to Church with me and couldn't park her car right. If she doesn't remember these accidents, did she hit someone's car and left the scene? Scary. My Moms doctor sat right in front of her looked her right in the eye and said, no driving.
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Reply to JoAnn29

I am so sorry to hear this about your Mom. I faced the same dilemma earlier this year. Mom is 91 and was still driving even after doctors had said you really shouldn’t be driving any longer. She claims she never heard any of her doctors tell her to stop driving. I have been driving her to her doctors appointments for several years now since she would not remember what was said during exam/appointment and I am happy to do so. However, after she accidentally overdosed on pain medication, I took it upon myself to take away all of her car keys, even the spare in the hidden spot. She was furious with me but I stood my ground. I reminded her of the minor fender bender she had several years ago in a parking lot (not at all her fault) and just how it affected her and made her nervous to drive. I reiterated that I just wanted her to not worry about driving and that she is safe. There are so many options these days - Uber, Lyft, GoGoGrandparent, and various other car transportation services available. You might set it up for her, take a couple of rides with her to she how she does. This way if you aren’t available to drive her she has other options. She’s now moving into a continuing care facility and they have transportation services available which is included in the monthly fee. I hope this info helps. Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to LisaLouWhoOG

I agree with FF. Move the car and tell,her it’s in the shop. And just keep making excuses, don’t have the parts etc. This lady cannot be out on the road.  There is no harm in fibbing. You  won’t be able to reason with her.

And yes, you’ll have to figure a way for her to get around. That may be the harder part.

I went through this with my dad. He could still handle the car safely but was forgetting how to find places. And he would make several short trips each day to the store, go out get gas, then go to the hardware.......Each trip an adventure in getting lost and confused.

I disabled his car by pulling the starter relay. Very easy to do. Then finally got he and mom in assisted living. He spent every day looking for his car. It took weeks for him to adjust.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Windyridge

I also had a problem with my husband when it was no longer safe for him to drive. When he was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's, his neurologist told him that he would hope he would no longer drive. My husband kept telling me that he didn't know why his doctor told him he could no longer drive. Each time he brought it up, I explained to him that it is the law that says he can no longer drive. Because if I let him drive, knowing his health conditions, and he has an accident and either kills or badly injures someone, I would be taken to jail and he would have to find someone to continue caring for him. I told him to just sit back and brag to everyone that he had his very own private driver to take him wherever he wanted to go. I had to remind him of this very often but it helped ease his mind as to why he shouldn't/couldn't drive anymore. My sweet husband was laid to rest this past Friday and is missed terribly but I know that he is with our Jesus and no longer suffering from all the health issues he had.
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Reply to stitchintime9

In most states a medium to moderate cognitive impairment invalidates a drivers license. Check your state DMV. 
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Reply to SerenityNow2018

We are going through this now. The Dr. Can notify DMV to revoke driver's license. Mom's doc sent her to OCC therapy for driver's test. After cognitive testing they wouldn't even let her get in their car. BUT, weeks later, still waiting on doc to receive report and then notify DMV. Sigh. My daughter and I tried to disconnect the battery yesterday but couldn't. Mom is hiding her keys. My brother won't get involved. In talking with others, families find it near impossible to get someone's license taken. All the official channels drop the ball or pass the buck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Karenina

My mom had her license revoked after a local law enforcement officer observed her driving and wrote to the state. We didn't even realize how bad the problem was (she was very independent). She had to take the tests again (passed the written, failed the driving twice) and was mad at him instead of us. Her next option was to take drivers ed (she never did). She was humiliated and mad, but that was better than causing a serious accident.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to DafnaS

Stop feeling guilty and take the darn keys away. Can say the keys got misplaced or disable the car.
You have a bigger responsibility to OTHER DRIVERS out on the road who don't want their children or themselves killed! What if the aging parent pulls out in front of a car, or drives in the wrong lane?
Guilt shouldn't over ride common sense.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Jasmina

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