Mom has dementia and is out of touch with reality -- she wants to move out and get a place of her own !!!

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Mom is 86. She is at LEAST in the moderate stages of dementia, and she doesn't realize that she is completely dependent on me and other providers for every aspect of her care. She can't walk, but she believes she still can -- which can be frightening on nights when she tries to get out of her chair or bed by herself. I dress her, wash her, change her diaper, clean up her urine and feces, and I wait on her hand and foot all day. I transfer her from wheelchair to bed/recliner. If I didn't, she'd be a sitting duck. About the only thing she can do for herself is eat, drink, watch tv and read. She doesn't have a short term memory to speak of, and she has forgotten just about all of her old friend and relatives. Sometimes she doesn't recognize me. Most of the time when I try to talk with her, she can't keep a proper conversation anymore, saying things that are not relevant. She lives with me in my house, and I'm her 24/7 caregiver. But the main issue is this: She has hallucinations and delusions about me having men in the house at night for sex. The reality is that I haven't even dated since the 1990's, and I was never that type of person. At any rate, she calls me a whore and says that she sees men in my room when she goes by at night. She says she's going to go straight to hell for allowing me to have men over, and that I have to go to confession to save myself (we're Catholic). She has advanced to the point that sometimes she thinks that either "my boyfriend" or I am trying to kill her, and she gets scared in the night and cries. She says she doesn't trust me anymore, because I lie when I tell her that I have no man, and that there's nothing to fear. No one wants to hurt her. She's not always this way; there are some nights when she doesn't think like that. I'm sure its always simmering in her mind, but she "explodes" with anger, fear, hatred for me, when it all builds up. She said to me a few nights ago: "I'd kill you if I could." One night I was scared she was going to try to stab me as I went past her chair, but that was a long time ago, and in reality I know she wouldn't do it. Part of it is sundowning, I'm sure, because she acts very differently in the day. She is happy with our living situation by day, but by nightfall she wants to call the police on me or find someone to take her out of here so she can live with them. She says she wants to buy her childhood home and live there by herself, but she only has $2500 to her name. I want her to stay with me, but sometimes I feel like I'm making her suffer by living with me. She also accuses me of abusing her cat, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I know she wouldn't last long if she was in a nursing home -- once she realized she would never come home, her will to live would tank. I've experienced this in a small dose when she was hospitalized and thought she was in a nursing home. She began to wither in only a week and stopped eating.

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I think I've become desensitized to my mom being so emotional all the time -- which is different. I'm not neglecting her; I just mean that I can't meet her where she is emotionally, anymore. She cries a LOT. I used to show a lot of empathy outwardly, whenever she was upset or seemed to be in pain. Sometimes we'd just sit and cry together. But she does it so much that I can't seem to cry another tear. Maybe I've buried my feelings deep within me, in an unconscious effort to protect my sanity. She is very needy for my attention, almost constantly. I AM depressed. I'm starting counseling this week. I know I have lots of anger and resentment for the life I've given up. I think I have to "turn myself off" in order to continue being able to care for her. Its not that I'm hard-hearted. I just remember one day, in particular, when I had had a very emotional and stressful day with her. This was months ago. She seemed to want me to be able to solve all her problems, and Lord knows I was trying everything I could to treat all of her aches and pains. I was getting frustrated and I felt pulled to the limit. And at the same time, she was complaining and telling me off -- most likely she started getting on my case about "having men in my room," again. Something in my mind just said, "that's it; I'm DONE," and from that point forward I had no more tears for her. I still do all I need to do for her and I love her, but I don't seem to feel anything anymore. I've been caring for her for over ten years. Weird, huh?
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Liver lips, I went through a similar time with my mom. I also wondered if I was more of a problem than help. Then I contemplated what would it be like for her in a home. Would she get the same level of care and attention, no. Would she be loved, no. Would her health and care be put first, no. Would all these delusions go by away, no, they would probably just be transferred. I will tell you one thing that helps me... This too shall pass.... Each stage has its own challenges, but they change as the disease progresses. Hang in there and try reading some of Naomi Feil's info on validation. Those strategies might work ... I modified to fit our situation and it helped.
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Liver lips, no, you’re right. There is no answer to this, not even medications. But know that we are all here for each other. We all understand how you feel.
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Thank all of you for your replies. I don't need to lock her in a room; she can't walk. She has no UTI. Its simply the dementia. I just feel like I'm doing her more harm than good, sometimes, just by being present......somehow. I agitate her so much at times. There's no real answer to this, I know. Thanks, everyone.
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My mom lived the last years of her life in a nursing home. She was always a big-time prude. However, when she went to the NH, 90% of her conversations were about sex. To me, this was shocking and disgusting. I once told her to act like a lady and ladies didn’t talk like that. It helped a little but didn’t change her thoughts.

I would absolutely take her to the doctor for an evaluations. Put a lock on your bedroom door at night and get a baby monitor so you can hear her. You can also get kits to retrofit your home so she can’t get out at night. Good luck! Keep us updated.
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liverlips486, when was the last time your Mom had a test for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can cause hallucinations and strange conversations in elders. This can be treated with antibiotics.
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This must be so hard. I don't have experience in this so others will be more able to give advice but I was so impressed by your post; you are so lucid and calm and strong, I felt like I had to tell you this. With lots of admiration.
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liverlips,

I'd be worried if my mom, also mid-stage, made death threats. If you feel you must keep your mom at home, I'd make sure anything she could use as a weapon was under lock and key. Granted, my mom hates me, has struck out and pinches me with a vengeance, but has yet to threaten to hurt me, other than in a legal sense. I wonder if your mom might do better than you think in an assisted living situation tailored to dementia patients?
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Once you have done as jjariz suggests, perhaps, if the desire to move out continues, she be happy making plans...to be finalized at a later day.
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She needs to see her neurologist/geri psych to have her meds adjusted. Hallucinations & delusions are a typical part of dementia. When you anger and agitation, patients can become dangerous, even if they have been mild for their entire lives. Protect yourself.
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