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Mom (80) has been in MC for about 3 weeks . During this time she has called me several times wanting me to go get her and take her home. I’ve tried to explain to her that I can’t, but she doesn’t understand. She gets mad about that that. She gets mean with me telling me that I don’t care about her anymore and that I’m happy she’s not around me. None of this is true. I cared for her as long as I could before placing her in MC. I physically and mentally couldn’t do it anymore. I asked the nurses not to let her call me anymore. I will call her. Have I done the right thing? Is there a better way to handle this situation? I need all the advice I can get. Thank you
I almost forgot, mom has moderate to severe Alzheimer’s with vascular disease.

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There's no easy way to handle such a thing, or to 'brush it off' w/o feeling upset and guilty after such calls. Let's face it. They're designed to instill guilt in us, and for our mother's to achieve their goals. Alz/dementia or not, these women know exactly what to say and do to make us feel 2 inches tall, right? Oh, and they're GOOD, too! My mother is 93, living in Memory Care, and has called me many times, carrying on about 'when are you picking me up?' or some such thing, and then pretending she's joking. But not always; sometimes she truly believes I need to be going there to pick her up and 'take her home', never mind that she doesn't have a home to go to. My mother is very good at getting what she wants. Right now, she wants 'new shoes' which she's been hounding me for for about 2 months. She's wearing capris and 'heavy black shoes' do NOT go with capris, don't I know that???? Well, mother, after 46 falls, those heavy black shoes and the other pair of heavy black shoes that set you back $256 a short while ago are the ONLY shoes you are allowed to wear, capris or no capris. So she started hounding the activities director about wanting new shoes to go with her capris. Yesterday, during our 20 min window visit at the MC, who but the activities director should come out to ask me if I could possibly get my mother a new pair of shoes? I swear I thought I was going to have a brain hemorrhage right there on the spot.

My point? Try to let all the BS go in one ear and out the other. "Try" being the key word. Try not to have a brain hemorrhage and I'll do the same. Get your answers down to a science: I'd love to take you home, mother, but the doctor forbids it. I'd love to take you home, mother, but I am simply unable to handle ALL of your health issues myself (that's my standard line). I'd love to take you home, mother, but your wheelchair will not fit into the bathroom/the bedroom/up the stairs/inside the house, etc.

Use the voicemail feature on your phone, it's a very handy tool to ward off depression.

Wishing you all the best of luck finding coping mechanisms and handy dandy answers to give your mom when she starts asking to go home.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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AnnPach Jun 29, 2020
Thank you so much for your input. I’m going to try these things.
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You’ve done the right thing to no longer accept the calls. You’ve provided the best care for your mom and looked out for her, she’s blessed to have you in her corner whether she can ever acknowledge that or not. Check on your mom and oversee her care from a distance, be her advocate, and hopefully her anger will one day subside. I wish you peace in the storm
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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AnnPach Jun 29, 2020
Thank you
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There’s also the ‘therapeutic fib’. As in telling your mother “You can’t come home until the doctors say you’re able.”
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Don't argue with her. Tell her you are sorry that she doesn't understand, that you love her anyway, and will continue to do your best. Tell her that you are not applying for Sainthood any time soon. It is an ugly job description, anyway. Mom is simply fighting to have her way with everything she has. Be gentle with her; her illness earns her that.
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AnnPach Jun 29, 2020
Thank you
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Simple: dont answer the phone.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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If your mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s/dementia, she will not be able to benefit from explanation, because her brain is broken.
Three weeks may not be anywhere NEAR enough time to expect her to have adjusted to her new surroundings and yes, it is easily possible that she’ll be fine with less contact.
YES, you have CERTAINLY done the right thing! You have realized your mother’s physical, cognitive, and emotional conditions make 24/7/365 care, by TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, THE BEST situation you can provide for her. You are doing exactly the right thing. NOW enjoy the peace and calm hat come from knowing that.
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Reply to AnnReid
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AnnPach Jun 29, 2020
I do know these things but it sure is hard. Thanks for your advice.
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I’m dealing with the same thing. I think after a while you just learn to accept it. And eveyone on his site has been so helpful. Just know she is getting 24 hour care something I know I couldn’t give. I just tell myself I’m doing my best. They don’t understand the virus and how we can’t visit and they can’t leave.

hugs

val
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AnnPach Jun 29, 2020
Thank you. Prayers to you
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