Mom can become very aggressive, hitting, screaming, refuses help. She is delusional. Has hallucinations. I cannot stay here and doctors say she cannot stay alone.
I feel you ... I'm on the same boat! My mom lives independently and prefers it that way regardless of her declining health and memory. I pleaded with her PCP via the Patient Clinic site (to document my concerns about her aggression, hallucinations, skipping meds) and she said to take her to the ER for an eval ... that a message will be left with attending about my concerns. By miracle my mom agreed to go to the hospital the next night to find out why her mouth is dry. After examinations, prelim results said she was dehydrated, and she has no infections. But that didn't explain why she been acting up so much. So they ran a CT scan an found she had calcification in her brain... finally officially diagnosed with vascular dementia / Alzheimer's. And after an Occupational Therapist ran their test, the whole care team deemed my mom unsafe to live alone and will need 24hr care. I cannot provide that for her, I live far and I work full time and I already care for her in the evenings after work and overnights every weekend. It's only me that cares for her. Her health insurance will not cover 24 home care. They transported her to a rehab / nursing home from the hospital for a temporary stay to check on her new meds they changed on her. She suffers from depression and anxiety, but her old psych meds were not appropriate for an elderly person. So they changed them and she's currently in rehab for observation. Next step is to move her to the other wing where the nursing home is. I was a mess because everything happened so fast and my mom is a beast ... a storm that will destroy! she WILL kick and scream and break things. So they suggested that I don't tell her the diagnose or that she will be permanently in the nursing home because it will cause more anxiety for a person in her state of mind and current baseline stage of aggressive Alzheimers. She will deny she has anything wrong with her and REFUSE to move into a nursing home. They also suggested that when I speak to her, I have to meet her in her present state, talk about simple positive things that happened that day and warmly redirect the conversation when she mentions leaving to go home or anything aggressive. Their experience with Alzheimer patents is that they will soon adjust to their surroundings, make new friends, and feel comfortable enough so they end up not thinking of "home", or remembering "home". My heart has been broken this past month with this sudden change, I feel like I failed my mom. But I have to keep reminding myself that she simply is no longer safe at home alone and I have no support or resources for that type of care for her. She is safe now and more socially engaged where she is now than alone at home. I can visit her every day all day, bring her a home cooked meal, volunteer there, she even allotted 10 overnight outside the facility to be with family and for holidays! She she's not trapped or alone. And oh, I will MAKE SURE they know I will not allow anyone mistreating my mom just because my guards may seem down. At the end of the day, she's my mom and needs advocacy. I'm not abandoning her, that I'm making the best decision I can make with all the resources available to us. That's the only way I think I will feel more at peace with this tough decision I'll have to make soon when she permanently placed in and I'd have to clear out her apartment. None of this is easy and I haven't slept more than 3hrs this past year. I can only imagine what you're going through; always on edge, dealing with unpredictability; it's unhealthy for the both of you. My suggestion is to stay in constant communication with her PCP and document EVERYTHNG. And if you can find a way to get her in to the ER (tell her it's a regular doctors checkup appointment), the hospital will hear your concerns and deem her unsafe and will not allow her to go back home unless 24hr at home care is in place. A social worker will talk about nursing home placement. Hope this helps. Big strong hugs to you.
Does anyone have POA? I hope so because this will give you the ability to place her. If the doctor was a PCP you need to take her to a neurologist. Medication can be given to help with the aggressiveness.
"This also means her home will have to be sold and you will have to move, but you'll get some time."
This is not necessarily true. First, a house is an exempt asset. Problem is, Moms money can't be used for the upkeep so selling is probably a good thing. Also, if someone has resided there and its their place of residence, I don't think Medicaid will kick them out. Every situation is different but Mom's assets will need to be spent down and her SS and any pension she receives will be used to offset her care.
What BurntCaregiver said, with the additional advantage that your mother can be checked for a urinary tract infection. Are the aggression and delusions and hallucinations new?
Your mother's doctors have declared her incompetent and told you she cannot stay alone anymore. They didn't tell you about any possible care options? I'm not surprised. When the hitting, screaming, and aggression starts call 911 and have her taken out by ambulance. She'll go through the ER. They will do a basic competency evaluation on her there. They may even admit her to the psychiatric department for a few days to evaluate her. The hospital will send a social worker down to talk to you. Do you currently live in your mother's house? If you do tell the social worker at the hospital that you talk to. Explain to them what her doctors have said and that the home is hers. Tell the social worker that you cannot and will not be her caregiver anymore and that in a few days you're moving out of the home and she'll be alone. Even if you have no immediate plans to move out, tell them you are. What will happen next is the hospital will admit her and keep her admitted until they find nursing home placement. After she is placed in the care facility, her income and her assets will then go towards paying for it. This also means her home will have to be sold and you will have to move, but you'll get some time.
"This also means her home will have to be sold and you will have to move, but you'll get some time."
This is not necessarily true. First, a house is an exempt asset. Problem is, Moms money can't be used for the upkeep so selling is probably a good thing. Also, if someone has resided there and its their place of residence, I don't think Medicaid will kick them out. Every situation is different but Mom's assets will need to be spent down and her SS and any pension she receives will be used to offset her care.
Your mother's doctors have declared her incompetent and told you she cannot stay alone anymore. They didn't tell you about any possible care options? I'm not surprised.
When the hitting, screaming, and aggression starts call 911 and have her taken out by ambulance. She'll go through the ER. They will do a basic competency evaluation on her there. They may even admit her to the psychiatric department for a few days to evaluate her. The hospital will send a social worker down to talk to you. Do you currently live in your mother's house? If you do tell the social worker at the hospital that you talk to. Explain to them what her doctors have said and that the home is hers. Tell the social worker that you cannot and will not be her caregiver anymore and that in a few days you're moving out of the home and she'll be alone. Even if you have no immediate plans to move out, tell them you are.
What will happen next is the hospital will admit her and keep her admitted until they find nursing home placement. After she is placed in the care facility, her income and her assets will then go towards paying for it. This also means her home will have to be sold and you will have to move, but you'll get some time.