My Mom has become more and more miserable in assisted living. Any advice?

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Everything she complains about. From the food (which is pretty tasty) to transportation (the bus is too bumpy) to the people there. Everyone has been nice to try to please her. but she is very rigid and change sends her in to an anxiety induced fit. She tells half truth. For example, she said no one came to change her linens. When in fact the AL called me first and told me they attempted to changed the linens but she refused to let them help her. Or no one ever does anything for her, when she turns away help. It's to the point where people are starting to get fed up with her. She's been snappy and rude all of her life to people and now others are not putting up with it. She gets upset with me when I try to clarify things for her...she said I'M THE ONE WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. She'll say I don't love her anymore and start to cry. Several doctors says that she doesn't not have dementia. I've tried to overlook her behavior, be kind because she is my mother, but I'm to the point where I simply want to walk away. Any words of hope?

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kazzaa, we give low dose SSRI for post traumatic stress and it usually works - much less than full antidepressant dose - who now, you might have suffered a little less. :-)

but hey you got over it anyways, and that's great
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Talk to staff and see if they're seeing something different. It turned out that my mom was complaining to my sister and I, but the staff said she was going on outings, chatting, had a routine. They came right out and told me she was working me. So I started dropping in and watching her, as she was chatting and smiling. We started responded as rocknrobin suggested and also mentioned that her constant complaining would affect how much other family members called her on the phone.
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I was too but refused to take anti depressants it happened after an accident and a bad bang to the head for months after my doc kept asking me if i was feeling a bit down? i said no THEN a few months later i was in a very dark place as my injuries kicked in and i was in terrible pain lucky i got help but when youre in alot of pain you can get very down. Also doc said depression is quite common with a bang to the head glad im over that sh*t!
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I've BEEN depressed, so I can personally verify the truth of that statement. If anything goes right, there's a dark side to it or you don't deserve it. Nothing can happen that can't make you feel worse. :-) I'm not depressed now so I can laugh along with you!
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sorry am still laughing!!!!!!!!!
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vstefans i almost choked on my tea phew just missed the computer! "depressed people see the world true sh*t coloured glasses" you cheered me up!!! LOL
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She is depressed. Depressed people see the world through sh**t-colored glasses. Get her meds adjusted or changed, avoid reinforcing the negative statements with a lot of attention, and maybe the vicious cycle can be broken
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Have you ever heard the term "Even bad attention is better than getting no attention at all." I worked at an assisted living for 10 years and I've seen your mom many times. Never happy unless complaining. Call her bluff. When she says they never change her sheets, counter back with "I know they offered to do it. If you want to sleep on dirty linens, ok." With each complaint, counter with "I hate to hear that." Or "That's too bad" Then change the subject. You could always say "Mom, if all you are going to do is complain, I need to go." You say this has been going on for years. Stop being her audience. Enough already.
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We get the same song and dance from mom, but when we come unannounced, we catch her having fun. Staff said she is pleasant and social. Two sides to this coin! So we visit once a week and keep it to an hour. She is pleasant for the first hour, but then "woe is me" kicks in and that is our signal to exit. Phone calls are fine, but she is never in her room. Who is fooling who?
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I would just limit the time you spend with your mom. Let her figure things out her own way. I'd be more concerned that she'd get kicked out of the place, but if she's been there over two years, they're probably used to her.

Since you can't change her and she's always been this way, you need to work on building up your mental defenses and not let her negativity seep into your brain. As they would say on Star Trek, "Put up your shields" when you visit or talk to her. Let those complaints just bounce off. You've offered help and she's refused; you've done what you can. Now you have to protect your own mental health.
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