My Mom has become angry and takes it out on my wife. Any advice?

Sometimes, we think we "owe" it to our parents to sacrifice so much of our adult lives for them. We don't. In the course of life, we all give to each other, but should not give to the extent that it sabotages our own peace and happiness. It's no sin, no crime to find the proper place for her care. I urge you to do so. If the shoe were on the other foot, she would do the same. Her dementia is not allowing her to do the right thing for yourself (and her). Think about it. As your resentment grows, it will affect the way you care for her. I wish for you to have the courage and belief in yourself to do what is right for all involved.

Reading these posts, I feel like I'm reading my own. My MIL has lived with us for 10 years, has Alzheimers, kidney disease and diabetes along with other issues. She decided at the beginning that I was the enemy. My husband is an only child. The only thing that has saved our sanity is 3 days a week at a senior daycare where they pick her up and drop her off. I have no problem helping her with showers and anything else I need to remind her to do. I just can't stand the attitude and swearing at me and dredging up everything she perceives is negative about me and the fact that I took her son away. Yesterday, in the middle of trying to get her ready for a doctor appt., she had 2 messy bathroom incidences. I tried to get her cleaned up and in the midst of it all, I am being told to Go to Hell and You think you are better than everyone. It is so hard to deal with when you are only trying to help.
We decided that as long as she is still mobile she would stay with us. We wouldn't have enough money for an expensive memory care place and I do not want our corrupt government anywhere near us.

If you want to continue this kind of life, which sounds like no way to live, then keep going until it finishes ALL of you off....OR, take the right action. And take it now. If she's in good health (except mentally) have her live in an assisted living home. When you research those in your area, you'll find many nice and suitable places. I wish you all the best, my friend. And I'll pray for you:)

I agree with pockets256 my mother was always very INDEPENDENT also and imagine having to give up your life basically. Not being able to take care of yourself and not living in your home that you spent your life paying for. It must be awful and I could see why they are mad. Usually with the one that cares for them. I have a sister-in-law that cuddles her a lot when she takes care of her and babies her and my mom hates it. I don't like taking care of my Mom because how you can't come and go as you please, diapers are awful and it's a LOT of work! BUT she's my MOM and I will try to do as long as possible. It would really be a blessing if God took her since this is not a good time for her anymore. She had lived a good life before this dementia.

Hello.
It's sounds like your mom is having difficulty accepting responsibility for her actions.. ie. blaming others,lying, seeking Attn through negative behaviors. It also sounds like there was a history of mental health issues ( not liking your wife in the past ) reason I say this exhibits a MHI is because of how your mom handled her emotions with as opposed to the fact that she had feelings of anger which may it not have been warranted.
I have found donepezil to have issues depending on the form of dementia the person has. My mom has delusional ideation as a symptom and the donepezil makes it worse, to the point of anger. So you might wanna talk with your doc about taking her off for a month, however before you do that make sure it's being given at the correct time of the day which is just before bed as it works more efficiently while the mind is at rest.
As for the arguing, make sure it isn't your wife. I realize that no one will say this on here cause she's " going above and beyond" helping with the care for your mom, but I had to have a sit down with my wife because of her personality clashing with my moms.
It is very hard to distinguish if you aren't or haven't been involved in counseling, reading body mechanics, and or facial expressions. The dementia patient clearly understands body language as words can sometimes be confusing.
As an example, my wife is very mothering when it comes to mom. That's great right!?! No. Mom was a VERY independent woman and doesn't desire the mothering ways of my wife and in turn doesn't always like her.

So taking a step back and all of you going to moms memory/psych appts might be a first step.

I wish you well and hope you can find a solution other than a facility. They raised us, now it's out turn :)

Chris

It is actually affecting more than your marriage, it is affecting your wife's health. Your Mother might be better off at a NH. Try it and give it 90 days. It doesn't have to be permanent.

You need to place your mother now. I had to do it two years ago. All of our lives have improved. The guilt you will feel is self-imposed. I have already told all three of my daughters that I do not want to live with any of them ever. It is not fair to rob them of their lives.

Check with her doctor about those medications. Nothing will prevent the advancement of Alzheimer's and you two deserve your own lives. If it is affecting your marriage this much, then put your mother in a memory care unit, let professionals deal with her, and put your wife FIRST. Your mother will die sooner than your wife, and if you value her love and companionship, choose your wife and be together. Best wishes!

Definitely support your wife. If she is willing (and understanding enough not to take it personally) you will be ok in an insane world. keep your own head on straight too. You two are in a very difficult place right now and it will not improve in time. Hang on to each other. How about a day care facility to give all a break or something similar if you can afford it?

Your wife deserves to be treated better and it is time for your mother to live elsewhere. Even though she is physically in good shape, it is her behavior that will soon take the toll on all of you, if not already. I am certain that she would be better of in a dementia specific kind of facility where she can get the right kind of care for her behavior and monitor the medications. The abuse will continue and the anger toward your wife will not stop until you take matters into your own hands and decide what is best for the whole family, just not one person. If you really don't want mom to go to a facility, then I would ask another sibling to take mom and let your wife have some rest from the abuse of your mother. I feel that you really need to act now rather than wait until both you and your wife suffer from "caregiver burn-out." Remember this is not your wife's mother it is yours and you need to take the responsibility to care for both of them appropriately. Don't wait, act now! Mom will be perfectly fine so not to worry!

I agree with pstegman. I would move her while you can she could actually try to hurt your wife or you if she doesn't understand. Is your wife home with her all the time? If so maybe get some respite care (someone to stay with Mom) so that your wife can get out. She needs to be able to do something for herself, such as get her hair done or go to lunch with a friend. Many "home care agencies have staff who will do respite care. I would encourage you to do something NOW, sadly Mom will not get better. I am not trying to be cruel just realistic. take care, J

Agree.

And since you're being driven to choose, you have to put your wife first. You can provide loving care for your mother without necessarily living with her. Same doesn't apply to your wife. Make sure your wife knows it's not her fault and you're not blaming her.

She will need more than a nursing home, she will need a Memory Care facility. Now is the time to have the MD make recommendations on placement. Don't wait for both of you to burn out.