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My mother has Alzheimers, she has lived with us for two years. She is on two medications Donepezil HCL and Nuedexta which she has been taking for one year. In the past three weeks she has become angry mostly focused at my wife. She has always disliked my wife, we think is is due to thinking that I am her husband or brother. She is never wrong, lies all the time, and blames someone or them or they if she can't find something. She is 90 years old and in very good health no medication other than what is listed above. During the past two years our life has come to a halt and is affecting our marriage. Neither one of us want to put her in a nursing home, but we cannot continue in this manner.

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Thank the Lord for small mercies.
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Well you have tried so much to help your mom. As dementia worsens, depending on what part of the brain is affected, one may see the anger you are experiencing. Often, after 2 years the dementia meds are not as effective. Maybe talk to her doctor about a mood stabilizer such as citalopram (celexa) or zoloft. See if this helps. If this does not help know you gave it your best!
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Oh boy. This has become quite the discussion about me as opposed to the original poster who is probably fed up as am I.
You truly believe I want all y'all to know that much about me? She made assumptions, and I corrected them. I didn't mislead anyone into anything.
My mother is my buddy, a friend. She holds the title of mother in the family. Maybe from now on I should just call her carol or Virginia or Betty

I'm sorry y'all don't agree with me and I give you the right and respect to do so. I will never say a cross word to anyone debating the intellectual aspect or even the scientific. But come at me, unknowing what I have done in my life or been through... It's not cool. Well I guess now y'all know. No more atonement for my mothers shortcomings. As if no one here has any. I'm not a saint, I'm just trying to keep this site from becoming a placement for the aging. Finally, and lastly. If y'all don't like what I say, keep your yours and from this point forward I will keep mine mine.
If you feel I played foul I'm sorry that was never my intent. Everything I said here is true and accurate. Be well all. I'm out.
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Pockets, I don't think you can accuse someone of making a snap judgement about you when you have misled them. I am pleased that you have succeeded in vicariously expiating your parents' treatment of you in the way that you describe; that's excellent. But "my mom is my buddy" does not by any stretch of anybody's imagination even hint at the situation you later disclosed. I'm calling foul on that.
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My lips are sealed. Move over Emjo I want to stand in the corner with you . Rpatrick where are you this was your question and it has descended into a fist fight.
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Groan.

There is, in certain parts of China - less so rural communities, where all hands are needed - a "one child" policy. In a culture where a traditional good luck blessing is "many sons" it is not surprising that the prospect of having one daughter instead goes down badly. However, if the Chinese government had had a SUCCESSFUL one child policy for this many decades, the population would by now have reduced. It hasn't; it has grown substantially. Work it out: it's a policy, pursued with more or less rigour according to local conditions. Take any other fifth of the world's population, and I bet you would find in it equivalent, egregious, isolated examples of cruelty, misogyny and neglect. This is not a uniquely Chinese phenomenon.

In India, in hard times, girl babies met (and, sad to say, still meet) with "unfortunate accidents" such as snake bite and drowning. The government continues attempts to address the underlying issues, which include the enormous cost of dowries - when made illegal, they're called something else instead and the practice continues - which can have catastrophic effects on families' economic survival. Survival, not just ease. Imagine being a father who had to find sums he could never hope to earn and who already had a widowed mother, a wife and children to support before you think he's a heartless bastard for not wanting his latest girl baby.

In Eastern cultures, girls generally leave their family homes and join their husbands' households. In Judaeo-Christian-Muslim cultures, it's the other way about - men leave their parents and "cleave unto" their wives. This, in very sweeping, generalised terms, has made its difference felt in the comparative value of sons and daughters; but I would point out that societies are composed of people, and most people are fortunate enough to love their children of either sex (to start with, anyway) and deal with what they're given.

Nowhere in the world that I have read of is it considered desirable to boot your parents out onto the street and go on your way without a care. In some cultures it is considered honourable on the part of the elder to recognise when he or she has exhausted his or her useful life span and take a graceful leave (let's not start on suttee, though); but I don't know of any where it's mandatory.

Pockets, there is one point on which I have some agreement with you: certainly in the UK, I'd have thought less so in America, there is a kind of "learned helplessness" when it comes to elder care, as though the default position is that the elder will struggle on at home and then transfer automatically to the nearest state-run nursing home (or "waiting room" as they're sometimes called, with gallows humour); and very little consideration appears to be given to alternative options. No one, in my view, ought to be obliged to take active, hands-on care of a parent; apart from anything else, if they're reluctant what kind of job will they make of it?; but I'd be happier if more seemed to give it genuine, open-minded thought. I find myself twitching with irritation when some vociferous woman comes on the news complaining bitterly about the dreadful treatment her father's endured in a care home; and I'm thinking "so where were you?" - though I do bear in mind that she may have other pressing commitments, and that I'm probably not seeing her at her best. But as I say, in America I'd have thought there is less casualness to the assumption that the state is responsible for caring for people, regardless of their families' ability to do so.

All in all, we need as societies to sort this issue out: who is responsible for caring for those who cannot or are no longer able to care for themselves? Don't think we'll manage it today.
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rpatrick, are you still with us? We've not heard from you since your post asking for advice regarding your Mom's treatment of your Wife. There has been lots of advice, ideas, and personal experiences shared, but we have no idea where things are with your situation as of today. It would be good if we could hear from you. People who share on this site are caring folks, sometimes we get off track, but basically this is a wonderful place to learn from others. Today my advice to all is: "Light a candle, take a breath, and relax." The sun will come up tomorrow, as will the moon and stars, our days are filled with many challenges when we're caring for a loved one, no matter what the individual circumstances. Blessings for all who are walking this path. It is not what we planned for, but it is what it is - for now. xxxooo
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Veronica91,
Hi yes I agree to an extent on the Chinese. Anyone that knows the Chinese culture knows that girls are NOT the first choice of families, and they are viewed a inadequate to fathers. However, I didn't know that every girl was thrown into the cold to freeze to death. Makes one wonder how there are about 1.3 billion of them.
Now isn't there a law that all Chinese people know of that states along the lines 1 child per man and woman? (Of course this isn't verbatim). So what do you think about that population size? You think that they should continue on their desired path and have more births? NO I do not believe the gov't of any country should dictate anything in our lives and I am a lover of freedom, but if people cannot support themselves, or ;become a burden on others, then there NEEDS to be some sort of correction! I would not want to pay for any one else's consequences of their actions. I'm sorry that not everyone can look after their loved ones. At the same accord hopefully I won't have to pay for it. Yes I am talking about entitlements. I take care of my mother, and do not want to take care of anyone else's parent unless I am ASKED if I would like to or not.
I see your points though.
Be well,

Chris
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rpatrick and everyone who has contributed to this thread - my apologies for my part in hijacking this thread for other agendas.

This should be about your situation. I wish you all the best I figuring out the optimal solution for all. Let us know how it turns out.
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This is awesome! Speak your mind to another person and everyone wants in on the conversation. First off, to any and all if you're going to quote me do it in context. Secondly, if you were an abused person in the past maybe you need to get some counseling yourself, cause IMHO I'm hearing it through your comments to me.
Third, remember the ABC's of conversation. If the convo is between A and B you can "C" your way out of it!!
Now since some want to make this a public chastising for my opinion and advice let me make some corrections.

emjo, you wrote (in part)
"You say your mum is your buddy. You are very fortunate and, obviously have no idea what it is like being brought up by a mentally ill mother who is abusive and has been since the day you were born, and still is. I am 76, my mother 101. I have dealt with her crises for about 70 years and still am. Yes, as a child I did. You want to talk about sacrifices???"

Here is where the context thing comes in, AND reading with another's paradigm. Let me make some quick judgments ( kinda like you did to me) on your post.

My mom divorced my dad in 1969 when I was 2 cause he drank a lot, she then had a nervous breakdown in 1972 and I went to live with a sibling for a little while. Upon my moms release, she was put on valium and tofranil. She took those up until I joined the military for desert storm. (Yes I joined while others went AWOL.)
I was verbally, physically and sexually "abused" by my mother's BF, and I believe she knew but didn't want to believe it. I had been verbally "abused" and physically "abused " by my mother most of my life.
NOW when I said that my mom is my buddy, I am LOOKING PAST all that and treating her like a friend. Something your eyes didn't want to see or acknowledge.

So maybe you are the one crying out for help and want to focus anger on me cause something I am saying hits home a little too hard. Your mom placed herself? That sounds like she's an overbearing woman that could give a rats about you. Maybe you just feel guilty for allowing your mom to place herself or because she did place herself instead of asking you, maybe that was another blow to you cause she views you as a failure and would rather live in a facility... who knows

Look I see you are 76 and I don't want to treat or speak with you this way, I am sure you are a nice lady with her own issues and tribulations in life. However, when attacking someone beware of the consequences. Now I am sure there will be a backlash from this post but so be it. It's always so much easier to attack the lone wolf as a pack than to stand one by one.

To the rest of you,
Again, context of the communication. I wrote accepting responsibility and someone else writes "BLAME" on top of that out of context. I suggest that person read, re-read, and read again before having a mini nuke going off in their head and writing a reactionary comment instead of an intellectual comment. Then again maybe it's just one's paradigm...
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The Asian way is laudable in that they make sacrifices for their elders. Do they have an alternative?
What a pity they (or at least the Chinese) are not as loving at the beginning of life too. Baby girls are left out to die like an unwanted animal. Mothers are forced to have abortions if they already have one child. I am confused I just can not reconcile with that.
There are times in all of our lives when we are desperately unhappy with our lot. Divorce, loss of jobs and chronic unemployment to name a few. Three friends who had lost husbands this year wrote at Christmas "I miss him so much" Nursing homes are not anyone's first choice but neither is chronic mental or physical illness whatever the age. Everyone can not look after their aged loved ones at home sad as that may be. The family is a unit and all must be able to survive whatever it takes.
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There is NO ACCEPTING BLAME FOR HER ACTIONS....SHE HAS ALZHEIMER'S!!
They are sick, mentally ill and cannot accept BLAME for their actions.

Have you taken her to a Neurologist or Gerontologist? I does not sound like her medications may be working as well as you may need them to. Perhaps changing her medications MAY HELP! This is the ONLY thing that allowed my mother to come home from the hospital as doctors advised me to put her into a nursing home. I absolutely could not handle it any longer, I was ready to commit suicide just to get away from the situation!

If that is not an option then you either need to hire in home care so your wife can leave the house and have a life of her own or the two of you can go to a movie or dinner or even a walk. YOUR WIFE SHOULD NOT BE SUBJECTED TO ABUSE FROM YOUR MOTHER! You wife is already having to care for YOUR mother, that is not fair. I heard a doctor the other day talk about women who were wasting their bodies away providing care to an elder, he said it is taking a toll on the women and they may suffer with additional problems as they age due to using up their bodies. I am sure this is true of men as well.

You only other option is a mental health facility. You may think it is not fair, but who is being fair to your wife!

You had better be good to her, tell her you love her and bring her flowers or a gift quite often for what she has been going through. This you YOUR Mom and YOU need to be bearing the burden, not her.
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rpatrick. I would encourage you to look for some alternate arrangements for care for your mother, as many have suggested here. Your obligation is first to your wife, then to your mother. Not all care-at-home situations are workable. Perhaps you can make some adjustments that work, or perhaps it is time for a facility for your mum where she will have professional care. I wish you all the best in the decisions you are facing.I know they are not easy.

pocket - "I guess it's just a matter of choosing to do what may be difficult or wash ones hands cause they can't handle it. My outlook is like the Asian perspective. Respect, love, and sacrifice".
Who ever said that placing a senior in a facility is washing their hands of them? Whoever said that being a caregiver for a parent in a facility was not difficult or sacrificial or lacked respect or love?
"I mean no offense to you. I just have a difficult time with masking failure to take care of ones own family and placing the burden on others"
whoever said that placing a parent in a facility was a failure.to take care of one's family and placing the burden on others?

You did.

I find that you are making some pretty harsh judgements,

What do you suggest to a family whose parent is and always was mentally ill paranoid, disruptive, suicidal and refuses to take the medication that would help them" This describes my living parent and the situation of others. I did not place her in a facility, she choose one for herself But, I would not have taken her into my home. as she would have destroyed my life.

You say your mum is your buddy. You are very fortunate and, obviously have no idea what it is like being brought up by a mentally ill mother who is abusive and has been since the day you were born, and still is. I am 76, my mother 101. I have dealt with her crises for about 70 years and still am. Yes, as a child I did. You want to talk about sacrifices???

Please keep your platitudes and criticisms to yourself. There is an old Indian saying. "Don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins"
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vstefans,
Hi, I hear ya! Although I have to correct you on one thing first. I never said that anyone loves their family member less if they place. I do believe it takes a lot of fortitude to keep the loved one at home. And while I know there is not a one size fits all to anything in life, neither is there an one size fits all answer. I wasn't saying not to place because I believe that is the only answer, but i feel that it is for this particular post. I read the post, re-read the post, and then read it again. I was trying to ascertain where the feelings were coming from and what the crux of the communication was. Maybe in my paradigm I read it one way where as, everyone else read something different. My mom has her days, minutes, hours, but shes my buddy. I don't even really treat her like my mom, more like a friend maybe that's why when things go south it's not as hard to cope cause the emotion isn't as strong. Again apologies for getting off topic....

I want to leave with this, It's not "find a place for the aging.com" right?

JKing Have a stress free day!

Chris
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I agree with everyone but it is difficult to make that decision. I suggest that you gather your support group while you are going through the process of moving mom out.
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Pockets, I know you don't mean to be hurtful, you are just pointing out that home care is in many ways an ideal. It was for me too but we could not have done it. I am concerned that you see facility care as a failure of love or fortitude on the caregivers part ("failure to take care of ones own family and placing the burden on others") and I would say that sometimes it is not possible to take care of a person who dislikes you and is mutually miserable with you, as well as having very extensive care needs that are too exhausting for one or two people to handle themselves. That's why nurses have shifts! What nurses do is intensive and important but cannot be done by one person 24 x 7 x 365. And using a facility that you have selected carefully and then visiting often, seeing to the person's well being as best as you are able, is not abandonment or neglect. It is very possible there are options in limit setting and counseling plus respite or a day program that would help enough to make life livable in lieu of facility care, and it is never wrong to point that out. I do think it is wrong to assert that facility care is ALWAYS wrong and home care is ALWAYS better.

If the site seems one-sided on this, you have to realize that most people on here are not here because caregiving is going swimmingly well, and though it may be hard work but they are rewarded with pleasant memories and feel really good about what they are doing. People get on here because they are trying to do what they think they are supposed to do and it is not going so well, sometimes even to the point of destroying careers, marriages, and families, or even potentially killing them. Not too long ago there was a case of a caregiver's mom who was physically as well as emotionally abusing her children, and it would not have been right or responsible to let that go on. The abusive caregivee was too afflicted with dementia to be amenable to counseling or behavior management. There are also just too many times when people sacrifice everything to the care of the parent out of what they feel is their obligation, only to fail at making the parent any happier or better off in any way. I'm going to sound like a broken record pretty soon, but I will repeat that there is no one-size-fits-all in this business.
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Your wife is an absolute saint for putting up with the abuse. I look after my MIL who has Alzheimer's, but luckily she isn't abusive or mean and she doesn't live with us. If she got mean and abusive with me, my dh would certainly not expect me to put up with it. He would either take over all the care himself or take steps to place her in a home. He understands that he and I put each other first. He also knows who is going to be by his side, holding his hand when he enters old age, and it ain't Mom. Could your wife be feeling like you put your mom first? I know you don't want to put Mom in a home. I get that. I don't want MIL to go either, because that's not what she wants but it is a huge possibility. Time to put your wife first. Either you completely take over the care of your mom and hire some caregivers to help if you still work, or Mom needs to be moved somewhere. Your wife will resent being treated like dirt by your mom, and will come to resent you if something isn't done and soon.
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Who is feeling the stress on your marriage ? You or your wife? Your mother never liked your wife, felt you had stolen her. Is Mom feeling that she is getting her revenge now?
Are you worried that putting Mom in any kind of facility will hurt you financially.
It certainly will if you are anticipating an inheritance, but you won't have to pay for her care unless Mom transferred assets to you within the last five years. If you marriage is already rocky placing or keeping Mom will not effect the outcome. you may love your Mom but how does your wife feel? I would not feel obligated to love someone who hated me.
What is best for your Mom? What would she have wanted before the dementia set in? proper care in a loving atmosphere is the goal for everyone at the end of life. You may be providing proper care but is it a loving atmosphere. if the answer is no then focus on the proper care and find a facility where that can be provided long term. You can continue to love her, visit her and even take her home for a few days but it relieves your wife of something that is not her "duty"
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Support you wife....PUT yourself in your wife's shoes....If her mother were doing this same thing to you...How much can you take...? I am sure you both love her..and 2 years is a long time...is there a way that your wife can take a 3 day LEAVE OF ABSENCE...and YOU take care of everything...without having things PILE UP while she is gone..this means whatever she is doing..YOU DO.....if you can't cook...get Tv Dinners...they are better quality now days...and LET your WIFE take time with a friend..her family, ...and let you and MOM be able to bond and talk and share...what is happening...TALK to her..and let her KNOW what you are thinking of doing...how you love your wife...whatever your story...YOU SHARE IT and give her a choice...tell her she has to straighten up...that she has 10 days..put a GRAPH In her room....Put up SIGNS that say...BE NICE TODAY, WE LOVE YOU AND DON"T WANT TO PUT YOU IN A NURSING HOME, Draw Hearts...Give her a valentine...LET HER KNOW..this is the LAST THING YOU WANT....but that your wife is the love of your life.....Change the signs weekly to say something NICE and to keep her in line...and when it is her LAST CHANCE put up a sign that YOU WRITE and YOU SIGN with YOUR NAME and NOT YOUR WIFE all your wife can LEAVE is I LOVE YOU...and Creative loving signs...with her NAME...all the NEWS and details come from you her son...SO she can only blame you....the DEMENTIA MIND is a CHILDISH ONE with blaming..and finger pointing....so YOU serve the food, and the drink...and Give the meds...and ANYTHING that could TURN into a NEGATIVE you do it..if this does not change things....Let your wife take weekend retreats...until you can get her into a nursing home..qualified...my husband has dementia...He and I went through this...It is working for me..I just quit arguing..walk away...say I LOVE YOU TOO....he was getting MAD, throwing out his elbows wanting to hurt me.he would not talk, he was acting so mean....but I just started being a LOT NICER giving him cards that said nice things, would reach over to touch him and rub his back a lil...human contact is good...I bought him some word search books, and put on some music...and then things got a lil better...Instead of arguing...I would just say...I am so sorry...and walk away...the argument ended...NOW we never argue...he will do most what I ask...I don't know if any of this will work for you...but at 90 she is frail...so be careful where you put her...go to visit people where ever you decide...read the reviews on line..check out the qualifications of the nurses and doctors...and remember once you put her somewhere ....you will have to drive that distance to visit..cause you will worry yourself sick...whatever you do...CHECK out there person..if you get someone coming in...CHECK them out...see if they can pass a drug test, and have them fingerprinted and a background check...if they balk..you do not want them in your home...!!!! ...If you wife is NOT around when you tell your mother...she cannot say ...your wife put you up to this....WHATEVER you do...you have to live with...BOTH of these women...love you...you are to cleave to your wife..but honor your mother...no matter what your decision....part of your heart is always gonna be hurting for one or the other....Talk to your wife...let her KNOW..you will have the entire future together...Give her a card...buy her a gift or cook her a meal or go out of your way to SHOW and prove to her...she is the ONE and the ONLY...and is your FOREVER.....and at the age of 90, you know..your mom is on the way out..and you will surely need your wife...for the comfort when that happens....KINDNESS in ALL THINGS does matter...and you will surely want kindness coming back to you...in your own time of need!
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Wow, this is amazing! This could be me! Only difference is that it's my boyfriend's mom with dementia. She treats me horribly, just horribly.

I want all of you lovely people out there for sharing your experiences. They are my only outlets. I feel so much better after reading your posts. Sometimes it's a bit difficult reading them cause my eyes are filled with tears. God bless you all!
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Ok. I have read some of the posts in answer to me. Let me start by saying this, I apologize if I offended anyone.
Now, rpatrick, the choice is yours and I was giving you options that I have personally faced and continue to face. Some cannot handle the fortitude it takes to manage a loved ones care.
I feel my first post was sound advice and hope it works for you if you choose to use it/look into it.
I won't go into what I am experiencing as this isn't about me or mine. I can tell you that I've been and still am in your shoes. I have found that changing routine, (which hardly anyone here will recommend) improves the love ones QOL experience. I mean that's why we're supposed to be doing this in the first place! I hope you don't lose grasp of that.
I guess if there is one thing I have noticed here on these threads is the constant mantra of " it's time for a home" or something to that regard.
I am giving a completely opposite perspective because there are other options, or choices before you listen to ppl that say just put her in a home cause you have to worry about your marriage.
From what I read you were venting and frustrated looking for an answer to keep mom home, not put her in one. I wish you the best of luck. There are many options as you haven't said anything about the police being called, or her going outside and flagging down a car because of reduplicative paramnesia, and she obviously still knows who y'all are otherwise you would be dealing with capgras.
Try your best to keep her home with family. I have to tell myself every time mom starts up or gets confused or calls the police or doesn't remember you that it's the disease... If you and or your wife can't do that and a caregiver support group doesn't work, then you have a very difficult decision to make. One that we all must face

Be well and remember to breathe :)
Chris
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To the person with the Asian perspective, it's all a matter of degree. I'm sure that if the person with dementia could truly reason it out, he/she would not want the bulk of their care to sit on the back of their grown kids. Especially for an indefinite period of time. Especially if they knew how mean-spirited their behavior had become. Or, as in the case of some with dementia, had CONTINUED when dementia is mixed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I think that despite our wishes to go the extra mile, we have to face reality. We are only human with human limits. To answer the "we owe it to our parents" (because they raised us), there are some significant differences: #1 When we were the kids and behaved badly, our parents could deal with it easier because the immature behavior was "normal" in the context of growing up. This is huge, psychologically. Not to mention that the immature behavior steadily grew into more mature behavior; hope was in sight! #2 When we were the kids, our parents were probably in their 20's or 30's - a heck of a lot younger/stronger than those now in their 50's/60's and dealing with parents with huge issues. #3 Speaking of "huge issues", some now grown kids had to deal with parents with personality disorders. For these poor souls who already suffered immeasurably, it's "cruel & unusual punishment" to continue to put themselves in harm's way, caring for their folks who still continue to verbally abuse them (now, even more with the dementia!) There are many more reasons why caring for our parents can be significantly different from when we were little and being raised. So, it's really not a matter of being American, Chinese, or Martian...It's an individual matter, based on reality which consists of personal current stamina and past/current abuse involved to name a few.
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Amen, alizee! Each person walks a different path i.e. "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" and none of our paths are exactly the same. We can only share what worked for us and the person asking the question ultimately will have to make their own decision in the end. This site is great for ideas and sharing, but not for judging.
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I don't think this is the place for posters to "chide" other posters because they don't share their opinions, particularly when it comes to deciding if loved ones should be kept at home or placement in ALF/NH. This is a difficult question shared by many of us, one that rpatrick now faces, and it comes down to family circumstances and the culture in which you were raised (like the "american vs. Asian" perspective--a few posts back) the health of the loved one, finances, and access to good facilities. I've been on this site for the past couple years (have always found it helpful!) and the ALF vs. keeping loved ones at home is certainly a hot button topic! There's lots of opinions, and we should be respectful of those with whom we disagree.
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Don't wait until your marriage suffers. Time for Mom to move to a dementia community. The adjustment can be tough, but soldier through it. You'll all be better off for it. Mom can redirect her anger to staff that's accustomed to dealing with it.
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Dementia/Alz. is a horrible disease. The person can not help what is happening to them; what comes out of their mouth is hurtful to those closest to them i.e. the caregiver. No matter what you do or say, it is never right or enough. They can not help themselves. Their brain is not connecting and consequently what happens is everyone around them is affected. You definitely need respite for your wife - that is for sure. If her health fails, what good is she to your Mom and to you and your marriage. Your wife comes before Mom right now, but there are solutions. I would get Mom to her doctor for a total evaluation; recheck the meds she is taking and look for some extra help. There are many places where you can get respite help, either for someone to come into your home to help with Mom or take her to a day care type place i.e. senior center where there are activities geared to each person's abilities. It is not wrong to take care of ones own health first and foremost. Above all, your wife deserves your devotion, support and love no matter what. Take care of Mom, but make decisions that are right for you and your wife first. Talk to a pastor, or go to counseling, whatever it take, but your wife sounds like a gem and gems are hard to find.
Blessings and Hugs.
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It does not sound like a liveable solution for anyone. Perhaps if you think of moving your mother as what's best for her, it will be easier to accept the inevitable. Living in a maelstrom of anger and fear and confusion is not good for your mother, and once she is settled in a care facility she will eventually forget, which is so sad, but makes some things easier. Given what I have seen of the progression of the disease, the sooner she gets in a professional setting, the better for everyone. And once you get your mother placed, you could go on a much-needed vacation with your wife.
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Please place your mom. It is kind of you to want to avoid placing her, but placing her in memory care (vs NH) will be good for both of mom, you and your wife. Mom will not have the agitation she works herself into and your wife won't have to be subject to the abuse.

This disease is awful and I hope your wife isn't taking this personally...that said, it's still hurtful and aggravating.

You and wife can save the marriage and not inflict anymore stress nor put you in awkward position. You will be free to visit mom often and have quality time vs refereeing and trying to diffuse hurt feelings.

It's time.
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I agree with Nansacola completely when she says "the guilt you feel is self-imposed."
I too, have told my daughters I do not want to live with them . I would want to live near them and be a part of their lives, but not a full-time responsibility.Their responsibility is to their husbands and my grandchildren. I would hate to think that if they cared for me they would become resentful of my presence, and it appears that may happen in your situation. My 90 yr. old mil sounds much like your mom, but she is in an ALF near us with lots of activities and a special dementia care program for the 12 or so residents in her building that need extra "coddling" . If you find a good facility it is a godsend, and it needn't be a nursing home. I think many times ALF and nursing homes get a bad rap on this site, but there are good ones out there, albeit expensive. (MIL had the good sense to purchase long-term care insurance). I, too, wish you well, but please consider a facility.
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Lainy1
That's an interesting "american"perspective. The Chinese respect their elders no matter the cost. I guess it's just a matter of choosing to do what may be difficult or wash ones hands cause they can't handle it. My outlook is like the Asian perspective. Respect, love, and sacrifice.
I see I live in a world that has less and less of that in every turn I take... How sad for the elderly, and those with cognitive diseases and or the inability to reason why they have lost EVERYTHING. May I suggest you step outside the box and look in? Imagine losing everything! Then, cause you're scared and don't know how to express it appropriately family takes care of it by placing you in a home with strangers.
Nah that ain't for me or my family and believe it should not be for any family. I feel so sorry for the people with dementia. Too often, they are forgotten about because people need their lives back. Think. A caregiver wouldn't have a life to begin with if it weren't for the person with dementia.
I mean no offense to you. I just have a difficult time with masking failure to take care of ones own family and placing the burden on others.
Imagine if we were all just thrown into foster care cause our elders "couldn't handle it" and just had to take care of themselves.
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