My Mom has become angry and takes it out on my wife. Any advice?

She will need more than a nursing home, she will need a Memory Care facility. Now is the time to have the MD make recommendations on placement. Don't wait for both of you to burn out.

Agree.

And since you're being driven to choose, you have to put your wife first. You can provide loving care for your mother without necessarily living with her. Same doesn't apply to your wife. Make sure your wife knows it's not her fault and you're not blaming her.

I agree with pstegman. I would move her while you can she could actually try to hurt your wife or you if she doesn't understand. Is your wife home with her all the time? If so maybe get some respite care (someone to stay with Mom) so that your wife can get out. She needs to be able to do something for herself, such as get her hair done or go to lunch with a friend. Many "home care agencies have staff who will do respite care. I would encourage you to do something NOW, sadly Mom will not get better. I am not trying to be cruel just realistic. take care, J

Your wife deserves to be treated better and it is time for your mother to live elsewhere. Even though she is physically in good shape, it is her behavior that will soon take the toll on all of you, if not already. I am certain that she would be better of in a dementia specific kind of facility where she can get the right kind of care for her behavior and monitor the medications. The abuse will continue and the anger toward your wife will not stop until you take matters into your own hands and decide what is best for the whole family, just not one person. If you really don't want mom to go to a facility, then I would ask another sibling to take mom and let your wife have some rest from the abuse of your mother. I feel that you really need to act now rather than wait until both you and your wife suffer from "caregiver burn-out." Remember this is not your wife's mother it is yours and you need to take the responsibility to care for both of them appropriately. Don't wait, act now! Mom will be perfectly fine so not to worry!

Definitely support your wife. If she is willing (and understanding enough not to take it personally) you will be ok in an insane world. keep your own head on straight too. You two are in a very difficult place right now and it will not improve in time. Hang on to each other. How about a day care facility to give all a break or something similar if you can afford it?

Check with her doctor about those medications. Nothing will prevent the advancement of Alzheimer's and you two deserve your own lives. If it is affecting your marriage this much, then put your mother in a memory care unit, let professionals deal with her, and put your wife FIRST. Your mother will die sooner than your wife, and if you value her love and companionship, choose your wife and be together. Best wishes!

You need to place your mother now. I had to do it two years ago. All of our lives have improved. The guilt you will feel is self-imposed. I have already told all three of my daughters that I do not want to live with any of them ever. It is not fair to rob them of their lives.

It is actually affecting more than your marriage, it is affecting your wife's health. Your Mother might be better off at a NH. Try it and give it 90 days. It doesn't have to be permanent.

Hello.
It's sounds like your mom is having difficulty accepting responsibility for her actions.. ie. blaming others,lying, seeking Attn through negative behaviors. It also sounds like there was a history of mental health issues ( not liking your wife in the past ) reason I say this exhibits a MHI is because of how your mom handled her emotions with as opposed to the fact that she had feelings of anger which may it not have been warranted.
I have found donepezil to have issues depending on the form of dementia the person has. My mom has delusional ideation as a symptom and the donepezil makes it worse, to the point of anger. So you might wanna talk with your doc about taking her off for a month, however before you do that make sure it's being given at the correct time of the day which is just before bed as it works more efficiently while the mind is at rest.
As for the arguing, make sure it isn't your wife. I realize that no one will say this on here cause she's " going above and beyond" helping with the care for your mom, but I had to have a sit down with my wife because of her personality clashing with my moms.
It is very hard to distinguish if you aren't or haven't been involved in counseling, reading body mechanics, and or facial expressions. The dementia patient clearly understands body language as words can sometimes be confusing.
As an example, my wife is very mothering when it comes to mom. That's great right!?! No. Mom was a VERY independent woman and doesn't desire the mothering ways of my wife and in turn doesn't always like her.

So taking a step back and all of you going to moms memory/psych appts might be a first step.

I wish you well and hope you can find a solution other than a facility. They raised us, now it's out turn :)

Chris

I agree with pockets256 my mother was always very INDEPENDENT also and imagine having to give up your life basically. Not being able to take care of yourself and not living in your home that you spent your life paying for. It must be awful and I could see why they are mad. Usually with the one that cares for them. I have a sister-in-law that cuddles her a lot when she takes care of her and babies her and my mom hates it. I don't like taking care of my Mom because how you can't come and go as you please, diapers are awful and it's a LOT of work! BUT she's my MOM and I will try to do as long as possible. It would really be a blessing if God took her since this is not a good time for her anymore. She had lived a good life before this dementia.

If you want to continue this kind of life, which sounds like no way to live, then keep going until it finishes ALL of you off....OR, take the right action. And take it now. If she's in good health (except mentally) have her live in an assisted living home. When you research those in your area, you'll find many nice and suitable places. I wish you all the best, my friend. And I'll pray for you:)

Reading these posts, I feel like I'm reading my own. My MIL has lived with us for 10 years, has Alzheimers, kidney disease and diabetes along with other issues. She decided at the beginning that I was the enemy. My husband is an only child. The only thing that has saved our sanity is 3 days a week at a senior daycare where they pick her up and drop her off. I have no problem helping her with showers and anything else I need to remind her to do. I just can't stand the attitude and swearing at me and dredging up everything she perceives is negative about me and the fact that I took her son away. Yesterday, in the middle of trying to get her ready for a doctor appt., she had 2 messy bathroom incidences. I tried to get her cleaned up and in the midst of it all, I am being told to Go to Hell and You think you are better than everyone. It is so hard to deal with when you are only trying to help.
We decided that as long as she is still mobile she would stay with us. We wouldn't have enough money for an expensive memory care place and I do not want our corrupt government anywhere near us.

Sometimes, we think we "owe" it to our parents to sacrifice so much of our adult lives for them. We don't. In the course of life, we all give to each other, but should not give to the extent that it sabotages our own peace and happiness. It's no sin, no crime to find the proper place for her care. I urge you to do so. If the shoe were on the other foot, she would do the same. Her dementia is not allowing her to do the right thing for yourself (and her). Think about it. As your resentment grows, it will affect the way you care for her. I wish for you to have the courage and belief in yourself to do what is right for all involved.

Lainy1
That's an interesting "american"perspective. The Chinese respect their elders no matter the cost. I guess it's just a matter of choosing to do what may be difficult or wash ones hands cause they can't handle it. My outlook is like the Asian perspective. Respect, love, and sacrifice.
I see I live in a world that has less and less of that in every turn I take... How sad for the elderly, and those with cognitive diseases and or the inability to reason why they have lost EVERYTHING. May I suggest you step outside the box and look in? Imagine losing everything! Then, cause you're scared and don't know how to express it appropriately family takes care of it by placing you in a home with strangers.
Nah that ain't for me or my family and believe it should not be for any family. I feel so sorry for the people with dementia. Too often, they are forgotten about because people need their lives back. Think. A caregiver wouldn't have a life to begin with if it weren't for the person with dementia.
I mean no offense to you. I just have a difficult time with masking failure to take care of ones own family and placing the burden on others.
Imagine if we were all just thrown into foster care cause our elders "couldn't handle it" and just had to take care of themselves.

I agree with Nansacola completely when she says "the guilt you feel is self-imposed."
I too, have told my daughters I do not want to live with them . I would want to live near them and be a part of their lives, but not a full-time responsibility.Their responsibility is to their husbands and my grandchildren. I would hate to think that if they cared for me they would become resentful of my presence, and it appears that may happen in your situation. My 90 yr. old mil sounds much like your mom, but she is in an ALF near us with lots of activities and a special dementia care program for the 12 or so residents in her building that need extra "coddling" . If you find a good facility it is a godsend, and it needn't be a nursing home. I think many times ALF and nursing homes get a bad rap on this site, but there are good ones out there, albeit expensive. (MIL had the good sense to purchase long-term care insurance). I, too, wish you well, but please consider a facility.

Please place your mom. It is kind of you to want to avoid placing her, but placing her in memory care (vs NH) will be good for both of mom, you and your wife. Mom will not have the agitation she works herself into and your wife won't have to be subject to the abuse.

This disease is awful and I hope your wife isn't taking this personally...that said, it's still hurtful and aggravating.

You and wife can save the marriage and not inflict anymore stress nor put you in awkward position. You will be free to visit mom often and have quality time vs refereeing and trying to diffuse hurt feelings.

It's time.

It does not sound like a liveable solution for anyone. Perhaps if you think of moving your mother as what's best for her, it will be easier to accept the inevitable. Living in a maelstrom of anger and fear and confusion is not good for your mother, and once she is settled in a care facility she will eventually forget, which is so sad, but makes some things easier. Given what I have seen of the progression of the disease, the sooner she gets in a professional setting, the better for everyone. And once you get your mother placed, you could go on a much-needed vacation with your wife.

Dementia/Alz. is a horrible disease. The person can not help what is happening to them; what comes out of their mouth is hurtful to those closest to them i.e. the caregiver. No matter what you do or say, it is never right or enough. They can not help themselves. Their brain is not connecting and consequently what happens is everyone around them is affected. You definitely need respite for your wife - that is for sure. If her health fails, what good is she to your Mom and to you and your marriage. Your wife comes before Mom right now, but there are solutions. I would get Mom to her doctor for a total evaluation; recheck the meds she is taking and look for some extra help. There are many places where you can get respite help, either for someone to come into your home to help with Mom or take her to a day care type place i.e. senior center where there are activities geared to each person's abilities. It is not wrong to take care of ones own health first and foremost. Above all, your wife deserves your devotion, support and love no matter what. Take care of Mom, but make decisions that are right for you and your wife first. Talk to a pastor, or go to counseling, whatever it take, but your wife sounds like a gem and gems are hard to find.
Blessings and Hugs.

Don't wait until your marriage suffers. Time for Mom to move to a dementia community. The adjustment can be tough, but soldier through it. You'll all be better off for it. Mom can redirect her anger to staff that's accustomed to dealing with it.

I don't think this is the place for posters to "chide" other posters because they don't share their opinions, particularly when it comes to deciding if loved ones should be kept at home or placement in ALF/NH. This is a difficult question shared by many of us, one that rpatrick now faces, and it comes down to family circumstances and the culture in which you were raised (like the "american vs. Asian" perspective--a few posts back) the health of the loved one, finances, and access to good facilities. I've been on this site for the past couple years (have always found it helpful!) and the ALF vs. keeping loved ones at home is certainly a hot button topic! There's lots of opinions, and we should be respectful of those with whom we disagree.

Amen, alizee! Each person walks a different path i.e. "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" and none of our paths are exactly the same. We can only share what worked for us and the person asking the question ultimately will have to make their own decision in the end. This site is great for ideas and sharing, but not for judging.

To the person with the Asian perspective, it's all a matter of degree. I'm sure that if the person with dementia could truly reason it out, he/she would not want the bulk of their care to sit on the back of their grown kids. Especially for an indefinite period of time. Especially if they knew how mean-spirited their behavior had become. Or, as in the case of some with dementia, had CONTINUED when dementia is mixed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I think that despite our wishes to go the extra mile, we have to face reality. We are only human with human limits. To answer the "we owe it to our parents" (because they raised us), there are some significant differences: #1 When we were the kids and behaved badly, our parents could deal with it easier because the immature behavior was "normal" in the context of growing up. This is huge, psychologically. Not to mention that the immature behavior steadily grew into more mature behavior; hope was in sight! #2 When we were the kids, our parents were probably in their 20's or 30's - a heck of a lot younger/stronger than those now in their 50's/60's and dealing with parents with huge issues. #3 Speaking of "huge issues", some now grown kids had to deal with parents with personality disorders. For these poor souls who already suffered immeasurably, it's "cruel & unusual punishment" to continue to put themselves in harm's way, caring for their folks who still continue to verbally abuse them (now, even more with the dementia!) There are many more reasons why caring for our parents can be significantly different from when we were little and being raised. So, it's really not a matter of being American, Chinese, or Martian...It's an individual matter, based on reality which consists of personal current stamina and past/current abuse involved to name a few.

Ok. I have read some of the posts in answer to me. Let me start by saying this, I apologize if I offended anyone.
Now, rpatrick, the choice is yours and I was giving you options that I have personally faced and continue to face. Some cannot handle the fortitude it takes to manage a loved ones care.
I feel my first post was sound advice and hope it works for you if you choose to use it/look into it.
I won't go into what I am experiencing as this isn't about me or mine. I can tell you that I've been and still am in your shoes. I have found that changing routine, (which hardly anyone here will recommend) improves the love ones QOL experience. I mean that's why we're supposed to be doing this in the first place! I hope you don't lose grasp of that.
I guess if there is one thing I have noticed here on these threads is the constant mantra of " it's time for a home" or something to that regard.
I am giving a completely opposite perspective because there are other options, or choices before you listen to ppl that say just put her in a home cause you have to worry about your marriage.
From what I read you were venting and frustrated looking for an answer to keep mom home, not put her in one. I wish you the best of luck. There are many options as you haven't said anything about the police being called, or her going outside and flagging down a car because of reduplicative paramnesia, and she obviously still knows who y'all are otherwise you would be dealing with capgras.
Try your best to keep her home with family. I have to tell myself every time mom starts up or gets confused or calls the police or doesn't remember you that it's the disease... If you and or your wife can't do that and a caregiver support group doesn't work, then you have a very difficult decision to make. One that we all must face

Be well and remember to breathe :)
Chris

Wow, this is amazing! This could be me! Only difference is that it's my boyfriend's mom with dementia. She treats me horribly, just horribly.

I want all of you lovely people out there for sharing your experiences. They are my only outlets. I feel so much better after reading your posts. Sometimes it's a bit difficult reading them cause my eyes are filled with tears. God bless you all!

Support you wife....PUT yourself in your wife's shoes....If her mother were doing this same thing to you...How much can you take...? I am sure you both love her..and 2 years is a long time...is there a way that your wife can take a 3 day LEAVE OF ABSENCE...and YOU take care of everything...without having things PILE UP while she is gone..this means whatever she is doing..YOU DO.....if you can't cook...get Tv Dinners...they are better quality now days...and LET your WIFE take time with a friend..her family, ...and let you and MOM be able to bond and talk and share...what is happening...TALK to her..and let her KNOW what you are thinking of doing...how you love your wife...whatever your story...YOU SHARE IT and give her a choice...tell her she has to straighten up...that she has 10 days..put a GRAPH In her room....Put up SIGNS that say...BE NICE TODAY, WE LOVE YOU AND DON"T WANT TO PUT YOU IN A NURSING HOME, Draw Hearts...Give her a valentine...LET HER KNOW..this is the LAST THING YOU WANT....but that your wife is the love of your life.....Change the signs weekly to say something NICE and to keep her in line...and when it is her LAST CHANCE put up a sign that YOU WRITE and YOU SIGN with YOUR NAME and NOT YOUR WIFE all your wife can LEAVE is I LOVE YOU...and Creative loving signs...with her NAME...all the NEWS and details come from you her son...SO she can only blame you....the DEMENTIA MIND is a CHILDISH ONE with blaming..and finger pointing....so YOU serve the food, and the drink...and Give the meds...and ANYTHING that could TURN into a NEGATIVE you do it..if this does not change things....Let your wife take weekend retreats...until you can get her into a nursing home..qualified...my husband has dementia...He and I went through this...It is working for me..I just quit arguing..walk away...say I LOVE YOU TOO....he was getting MAD, throwing out his elbows wanting to hurt me.he would not talk, he was acting so mean....but I just started being a LOT NICER giving him cards that said nice things, would reach over to touch him and rub his back a lil...human contact is good...I bought him some word search books, and put on some music...and then things got a lil better...Instead of arguing...I would just say...I am so sorry...and walk away...the argument ended...NOW we never argue...he will do most what I ask...I don't know if any of this will work for you...but at 90 she is frail...so be careful where you put her...go to visit people where ever you decide...read the reviews on line..check out the qualifications of the nurses and doctors...and remember once you put her somewhere ....you will have to drive that distance to visit..cause you will worry yourself sick...whatever you do...CHECK out there person..if you get someone coming in...CHECK them out...see if they can pass a drug test, and have them fingerprinted and a background check...if they balk..you do not want them in your home...!!!! ...If you wife is NOT around when you tell your mother...she cannot say ...your wife put you up to this....WHATEVER you do...you have to live with...BOTH of these women...love you...you are to cleave to your wife..but honor your mother...no matter what your decision....part of your heart is always gonna be hurting for one or the other....Talk to your wife...let her KNOW..you will have the entire future together...Give her a card...buy her a gift or cook her a meal or go out of your way to SHOW and prove to her...she is the ONE and the ONLY...and is your FOREVER.....and at the age of 90, you know..your mom is on the way out..and you will surely need your wife...for the comfort when that happens....KINDNESS in ALL THINGS does matter...and you will surely want kindness coming back to you...in your own time of need!

Who is feeling the stress on your marriage ? You or your wife? Your mother never liked your wife, felt you had stolen her. Is Mom feeling that she is getting her revenge now?
Are you worried that putting Mom in any kind of facility will hurt you financially.
It certainly will if you are anticipating an inheritance, but you won't have to pay for her care unless Mom transferred assets to you within the last five years. If you marriage is already rocky placing or keeping Mom will not effect the outcome. you may love your Mom but how does your wife feel? I would not feel obligated to love someone who hated me.
What is best for your Mom? What would she have wanted before the dementia set in? proper care in a loving atmosphere is the goal for everyone at the end of life. You may be providing proper care but is it a loving atmosphere. if the answer is no then focus on the proper care and find a facility where that can be provided long term. You can continue to love her, visit her and even take her home for a few days but it relieves your wife of something that is not her "duty"

Your wife is an absolute saint for putting up with the abuse. I look after my MIL who has Alzheimer's, but luckily she isn't abusive or mean and she doesn't live with us. If she got mean and abusive with me, my dh would certainly not expect me to put up with it. He would either take over all the care himself or take steps to place her in a home. He understands that he and I put each other first. He also knows who is going to be by his side, holding his hand when he enters old age, and it ain't Mom. Could your wife be feeling like you put your mom first? I know you don't want to put Mom in a home. I get that. I don't want MIL to go either, because that's not what she wants but it is a huge possibility. Time to put your wife first. Either you completely take over the care of your mom and hire some caregivers to help if you still work, or Mom needs to be moved somewhere. Your wife will resent being treated like dirt by your mom, and will come to resent you if something isn't done and soon.

Pockets, I know you don't mean to be hurtful, you are just pointing out that home care is in many ways an ideal. It was for me too but we could not have done it. I am concerned that you see facility care as a failure of love or fortitude on the caregivers part ("failure to take care of ones own family and placing the burden on others") and I would say that sometimes it is not possible to take care of a person who dislikes you and is mutually miserable with you, as well as having very extensive care needs that are too exhausting for one or two people to handle themselves. That's why nurses have shifts! What nurses do is intensive and important but cannot be done by one person 24 x 7 x 365. And using a facility that you have selected carefully and then visiting often, seeing to the person's well being as best as you are able, is not abandonment or neglect. It is very possible there are options in limit setting and counseling plus respite or a day program that would help enough to make life livable in lieu of facility care, and it is never wrong to point that out. I do think it is wrong to assert that facility care is ALWAYS wrong and home care is ALWAYS better.

If the site seems one-sided on this, you have to realize that most people on here are not here because caregiving is going swimmingly well, and though it may be hard work but they are rewarded with pleasant memories and feel really good about what they are doing. People get on here because they are trying to do what they think they are supposed to do and it is not going so well, sometimes even to the point of destroying careers, marriages, and families, or even potentially killing them. Not too long ago there was a case of a caregiver's mom who was physically as well as emotionally abusing her children, and it would not have been right or responsible to let that go on. The abusive caregivee was too afflicted with dementia to be amenable to counseling or behavior management. There are also just too many times when people sacrifice everything to the care of the parent out of what they feel is their obligation, only to fail at making the parent any happier or better off in any way. I'm going to sound like a broken record pretty soon, but I will repeat that there is no one-size-fits-all in this business.

I agree with everyone but it is difficult to make that decision. I suggest that you gather your support group while you are going through the process of moving mom out.

vstefans,
Hi, I hear ya! Although I have to correct you on one thing first. I never said that anyone loves their family member less if they place. I do believe it takes a lot of fortitude to keep the loved one at home. And while I know there is not a one size fits all to anything in life, neither is there an one size fits all answer. I wasn't saying not to place because I believe that is the only answer, but i feel that it is for this particular post. I read the post, re-read the post, and then read it again. I was trying to ascertain where the feelings were coming from and what the crux of the communication was. Maybe in my paradigm I read it one way where as, everyone else read something different. My mom has her days, minutes, hours, but shes my buddy. I don't even really treat her like my mom, more like a friend maybe that's why when things go south it's not as hard to cope cause the emotion isn't as strong. Again apologies for getting off topic....

I want to leave with this, It's not "find a place for the aging.com" right?

JKing Have a stress free day!

Chris