My Mom has become angry and takes it out on my wife. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mom has become angry and takes it out on my wife. Any advice?

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My mother has Alzheimers, she has lived with us for two years. She is on two medications Donepezil HCL and Nuedexta which she has been taking for one year. In the past three weeks she has become angry mostly focused at my wife. She has always disliked my wife, we think is is due to thinking that I am her husband or brother. She is never wrong, lies all the time, and blames someone or them or they if she can't find something. She is 90 years old and in very good health no medication other than what is listed above. During the past two years our life has come to a halt and is affecting our marriage. Neither one of us want to put her in a nursing home, but we cannot continue in this manner.

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Your wife deserves to be treated better and it is time for your mother to live elsewhere. Even though she is physically in good shape, it is her behavior that will soon take the toll on all of you, if not already. I am certain that she would be better of in a dementia specific kind of facility where she can get the right kind of care for her behavior and monitor the medications. The abuse will continue and the anger toward your wife will not stop until you take matters into your own hands and decide what is best for the whole family, just not one person. If you really don't want mom to go to a facility, then I would ask another sibling to take mom and let your wife have some rest from the abuse of your mother. I feel that you really need to act now rather than wait until both you and your wife suffer from "caregiver burn-out." Remember this is not your wife's mother it is yours and you need to take the responsibility to care for both of them appropriately. Don't wait, act now! Mom will be perfectly fine so not to worry!
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Agree.

And since you're being driven to choose, you have to put your wife first. You can provide loving care for your mother without necessarily living with her. Same doesn't apply to your wife. Make sure your wife knows it's not her fault and you're not blaming her.
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You need to place your mother now. I had to do it two years ago. All of our lives have improved. The guilt you will feel is self-imposed. I have already told all three of my daughters that I do not want to live with any of them ever. It is not fair to rob them of their lives.
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She will need more than a nursing home, she will need a Memory Care facility. Now is the time to have the MD make recommendations on placement. Don't wait for both of you to burn out.
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Check with her doctor about those medications. Nothing will prevent the advancement of Alzheimer's and you two deserve your own lives. If it is affecting your marriage this much, then put your mother in a memory care unit, let professionals deal with her, and put your wife FIRST. Your mother will die sooner than your wife, and if you value her love and companionship, choose your wife and be together. Best wishes!
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It is actually affecting more than your marriage, it is affecting your wife's health. Your Mother might be better off at a NH. Try it and give it 90 days. It doesn't have to be permanent.
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I agree with pstegman. I would move her while you can she could actually try to hurt your wife or you if she doesn't understand. Is your wife home with her all the time? If so maybe get some respite care (someone to stay with Mom) so that your wife can get out. She needs to be able to do something for herself, such as get her hair done or go to lunch with a friend. Many "home care agencies have staff who will do respite care. I would encourage you to do something NOW, sadly Mom will not get better. I am not trying to be cruel just realistic. take care, J
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Definitely support your wife. If she is willing (and understanding enough not to take it personally) you will be ok in an insane world. keep your own head on straight too. You two are in a very difficult place right now and it will not improve in time. Hang on to each other. How about a day care facility to give all a break or something similar if you can afford it?
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Hello.
It's sounds like your mom is having difficulty accepting responsibility for her actions.. ie. blaming others,lying, seeking Attn through negative behaviors. It also sounds like there was a history of mental health issues ( not liking your wife in the past ) reason I say this exhibits a MHI is because of how your mom handled her emotions with as opposed to the fact that she had feelings of anger which may it not have been warranted.
I have found donepezil to have issues depending on the form of dementia the person has. My mom has delusional ideation as a symptom and the donepezil makes it worse, to the point of anger. So you might wanna talk with your doc about taking her off for a month, however before you do that make sure it's being given at the correct time of the day which is just before bed as it works more efficiently while the mind is at rest.
As for the arguing, make sure it isn't your wife. I realize that no one will say this on here cause she's " going above and beyond" helping with the care for your mom, but I had to have a sit down with my wife because of her personality clashing with my moms.
It is very hard to distinguish if you aren't or haven't been involved in counseling, reading body mechanics, and or facial expressions. The dementia patient clearly understands body language as words can sometimes be confusing.
As an example, my wife is very mothering when it comes to mom. That's great right!?! No. Mom was a VERY independent woman and doesn't desire the mothering ways of my wife and in turn doesn't always like her.

So taking a step back and all of you going to moms memory/psych appts might be a first step.

I wish you well and hope you can find a solution other than a facility. They raised us, now it's out turn :)

Chris
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Don't wait until your marriage suffers. Time for Mom to move to a dementia community. The adjustment can be tough, but soldier through it. You'll all be better off for it. Mom can redirect her anger to staff that's accustomed to dealing with it.
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