What do I do now? Mom has accused the maids of stealing and management just called me on it. - AgingCare.com

What do I do now? Mom has accused the maids of stealing and management just called me on it.

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We are a month away from moving Mom to assisted living, just waiting for a room to open up. IL has been very nice about allowing her to stay the past two months when she clearly doesn't belong there. Today she grabbed the head housekeeper and accused the housekeepers of stealing three suits. Management called me all upset. We know no one stole anything from her - she has nothing worth stealing anyway. Mom has dementia and we had been able to keep her constant accusations of stealing under control- until now. Her dementia got worse a few weeks ago, she is confused and can't remember what has been said or done two minutes ago. Forget contacting the doctor - I'm switching doctors as soon as we move her - her current doctor has pretty much written her off and frankly doesn't care and knows there is little she can do to fix a 100 year old with Alzheimers. She'd just write a prescription which Mom can't take because she isn't responsible enough to take medicine on her own. My sister and I are not able to take her into our homes, so now what do we do if we can't get her under control? How do you convince someone with dementia to shut up or she will get kicked out?

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Does she have a UTI? This can cause crazy actions. Dementia is tough. She cannot be alone. 6 pack or care facility would be the ones I recommend
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AmyGrace - just reread your posts. Hmmmm you mention mom pooping all over, issues with dirty undies. This is could be an issue for the AL. Yes they can help them with ADLs but if mom has a fixation on sh** , well it will be a huge issue for the AL. They have to be more concerned about the overall situation for the AL & other residents. If mom can't be cognitive enough for knowing proper hygiene rules, understanding the need to go and let staff know, observing common bathroom behavior like proper disposal of soiled items, that would be a reason for a 30 day notice.

Out of curiosity, why move her to AL rather than into a NH?
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AmyGrace - I'd be concerned that the AL that your very advanced elderly mom is going to move into later on this month will not be able to provide the level of care she needs. I'd really really suggest you clearly ask what would happen IF they cannot provide the level of are that mom is determined to need after she has been there the first few weeks. The AL will have a social worker, I'd start the conversation there.

Does the new AL have sister facility that is a NH?

Do I get this right, the AL does not have a medical director? Ask how they approach emergencies, like if mom goes on a threatening stealing rant, what do they do? Like call 911 and she goes to the ER.? Or call you to take her? You need to know what to expect.

So the AL didn't do a site visit at moms current IL?
Or require mom go over for a visit or a "play date" for their own observation to see if they can provide the care she needs? Not to alarm you, but if neither was the case I'd be concerned that mom will move in and within short order you get a "30 day notice" that although they just love love love your mom they cannot meet the level of care she requires & she must move out within 30 days.This is a total panic situation which you want to avoid if you can. AL can totally do this as they do not have the federal compliance requirements to find safe & secure placement of a discharged resident as a NH would have to do.

If mom has been in her IL for a decade, they probably let a lot of her issues slide by as staff all know her; perhaps some even viewed her as family or as special, so her erratic behavior - that would have gotten another resident the boot- was overlooked. Perhaps they have a good realtionship with you as well. The new place won't be as flexible would be my bet.
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Thanks vstefans, that is all I want, for Mom to be somewhere safer and for her to be medicated so she will be at least calmer and (too much to hope for) happier. I will sleep easier knowing she won't insult someone or stand on a chair or throw her dirty depends in the drawer, etc. I have to admit I won't mind having a little less responsibility like shopping, laundry, changing her bed, cleaning hearing aids, sorting out and repairing things to maintain the apartment and trying to keep her calm and organized over the phone when I know she can't hear me and won't remember. I think she will be better once she is lightly tranquilized and feels secure knowing there is always someone to "go to" if she has a problem! Lets hope 2015 is a better year for us all. Happy New Year!
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Sad story - the rest of us would really, really make it a point to ENJOY such good health and do something productive with it! Here's hoping the holding pattern holds out and you end up with mom in a good ALF and find yourselves having a much better 2015!
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Thanks everyone for your support! We know its dementia, we know its because she was impossible and difficult and always saw the glass as half full even when she was "normal". My prayers are just that we can get her through the next month or so until we can move her. I don't want to move her twice. I had hoped if I scolded, scared and embarrassed her enough she would keep her mouth shut for at least long enough for that to happen. No matter how many times or whatever we do to convince, show her, or just "lie" about the suits, etc it doesn't matter. She is satisfied and convinced only until the next day when the paranoia and accusations begin again. "Whos on first, whats on second" She was so embarassed yesterday that she said she wouldn't ever see anyone, yet, when my sister called her at 5, she had already gone to dinner - so she probably got over it after a couple of hours. I haven't called her yet because if we call before late morning we are treated to her "weak" voice sounding like she is dying and hearing about how bad she feels. Until she is distracted and then her voice changes and she's fine. Ten years ago it was panic attacks in the middle of the night when she would call my sister saying she was dying. She would call the ambulance, poop all over the bed, etc and two hours later she would be back home, just fine except the family got no sleep. She got over that really quick when she was moved to IL. She had two mild attacks and a trip to the hospital twice. After that they miraculously stopped, probably because there was no family close enough to "rescue her" and the IL people didn't fawn over her. Sorry again everyone. I do love my mother, but after years and years of her being a victim, I'm just so tired. My sister and I have all kinds of health problems starting from my 50's. And here is this parent who is never ill, never has a headache, and has nothing, I repeat nothing wrong with her, no meds and is still ambulating at 100 years old. She's had no money worries ever, lives in a lovely place and all she does and has done is play victim. I guess I just resent it a little!
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Just to clarify, I'm not saying outright lie or treat her like her concerns don't matter...exmaple "fib" would be something like "Momma, look they found your three suits! Someone just put them in the wrong room. They sure do get confused around here sometimes, don't they?"
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I once walked a mile to a WalMart to get my mom a tea towel that looked enough like the one she said was gone missing...but it was OK, I needed the exercise. :-)
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Oh. You are expecting your mom to be reasonable, but she was not all that reasonable even before her reason was gone, and she sure isn't going to be now. You don't need to keep hitting your head on that particular wall. If anyone could give you lessons in subject-changing and therapuetic fibbing and omitting, that would be great, but you will probably have to teach yourself just like the rest of us did. On the other hand, if maybe you gave her enough repetition and associated embarrassment she actually remembers not to go on another rant for a couple of days or more, well done. Try not to let the reality of this make you feel like a failure. It's her mental status, not yours - her life sadly misspent, not yours. You can still go enjoy a sunset or a lovely clear day and actualy relate to a fellow human being without being totally focused on your favorite tchochke or knick knack being missing.
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Sweetheart, oh you poor honey! Deep breaths, and again!

Mom has dementia. You can't explain anything to her. "Yes mom, we reported it. It will be taken care of" is about all you can do. This is the natural progression of the disease; it's not your fault and it's not her fault!
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