My mother giving money she doesn't have to her POA. What "could" I do? -

My mother giving money she doesn't have to her POA. What "could" I do?


82 yr old mother just diagnosed with cancer, in and out of dementia, lives at home with CGiver (Mom's POA that she shares with her son - her local family). I'm CA, Mom TX.
After years of very bad emotionally driven financial decisions, Mom is now down to no extra money and no savings. Yes, monthly pension but expenses cut close. This month she called while in hospital to make partial payments on credit card. She can't afford interest.
My husband and I don't want to support her bad continuing expenditures. I've asked her CGiver to control the checks (all other necessities are credit card, autopay), but bad expenditures (for over 10 yrs) by Mom are to CGiver's son. Remember, both are Mom's POA.

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More (((((((((hugs)))))))). It is a very difficult. I am so sorry about your mum's diagnosis. Something like that is never easy to hear. At some point, as her illnesses progress, the medical profession may decide that she cannot go home. It looks to me that it will be very difficult for you to get control the monies. Have you discussed with the CG that the money is running out and asked how they intend to deal with that? The candy would not be good for her blood sugar numbers. Do you know her prognosis? Lymphoma, I believe, is one cancer with a decent 5 year survival rate. I know it is very difficult to speak with someone who has lost much of their short term memory.

The main thing is that your mother gets the care she needs. My prayers are with you. Let us know how your visit goes.
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Thank you for your comments. Legally, for years, (and with the aid of elder matter attys and her drs) she was never incompetent, fully aware of what she was and chose to do. The last August, the son convinced her that I wanted to put her in a NH. I have never had the conversation with her - ever - as, if she spends wisely, she can stay in her home until the end. I just spoke to my Mom, as she just got home from the hospital, again. We have loving conversations, but when it comes to me helping her in any way - it's hands off. I'll touch base with the agencies you've mentioned and, I should add, that I've contacted APS once before as there was concern that "someone", no proof as to whom, was bringing bags of candy into my Mom's room - she is a non compliant diabetic with hemolytic anemia and now lymphoma (just diagnosed this week). THAT is abuse. However it's not their job to deal with the other folks, just to address my Mom's safety. Generally, she's safe. This happened again last week, candy (it's all she wants - and at this point in her life, I don't really know if it's bad or not. It's all about her BSugar #s). I'm going home for TGiving and will do what I can. But I can only count on her POAs. Unless I file for Guardianship, which I believe would kill her faster, I just need to find a way to CONTROL the monthly monies.

This is the day I always dreaded. I just never knew it would come with a difficult health related diagnosis at the same time. Almost impossible to speak to someone who remembers nothing from one day to the next AND is in the fight for their life - but not even sure about what they're fighting for? I've approached the CGiver about taking over the check writing, but we both know she must stand up to Mom, to whom she's ALWAYS said yes (she can't get past employee to nurse/CGiver) and/or the son - should he step in.
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This in a complex situation. I would not say there is no exploitation, though your mother is very much part of it and showing bad judgement, as would be consistent with dementia. The POA son without the job is letting your mother know that he needs this and that, and taking advantage of the feelings she has for him. The younger son is taking exorbitant amounts for the work he does. The CG mother of these men is going along with it.This family is feeding off your mum. I call that exploitation, especially considering that your mum has dementia. I agree with the term leech, and a leech is hardly a suitable person to be a POA. Does the caregiver and her son get a specified amount for what they do for your mum, or is it all left up to the "moment". I would contact the Agency on Aging in her area and also Social Services to see what they suggest. APO is another route. You may need to consult a lawyer, knowledgeable in elder matters, re these people abusing their POA. . I suppose you cannot speak with her doctor as you do not have POA. One question I have is why have you not considered doing something about this earlier? You have seen it happening, and that these people are not the best to care for your mum. When you say your mum is in and out of dementia - if she has dementia, she is in it, but in and out of lucidity, perhaps. On the other hand, I do understand it is difficult to do anything when a parent stoutly refuses your help, and makes their own decisions, however unwise. The point at which an outside agent can intervene is not always clear.

If your mother is left with no resources, she will be eligible for Medicaid, which will pay for a facility, so she need not be "out in the cold". I totally agree that you and your husband should not finance her irresponsible expenditures. It will be interesting to see what the CG and sons do once the money runs out. It seems unlikely they will donate their services. I do think you need to make a plan to deal with this. At the rate the money is disappearing, your mum will need some help. With the advie of the agencies mentioned, draw up tentative plans for your mum's help should she need it, and then wait for things to unfold.

I have POA but my mother makes all her own decisions still. In my mind, she has made some unsound decisions with her money, though, over all, she does well. She has asked me and my sister for money, to help with her expenses, though she can still cover them, and will be able to for a number of years as long as she does not make foolish decisions. I have refused. I am 76 and have to protect my resources as I age. She lives in an upscale ALF, in a 2 bedroom apt and could move to a one bedroom unit and save money. However, eventually her capital will run out, if she lives long enough, and she would be left with a couple of small pensions. Then I would be faced with a similar situation to yours. As I understand it, where we live (Alberta, Canada) there are facilities available to people with low income. She would have to live in one of those.
Good luck and keep in touch. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Give her your love.

It was her money. She has done with it as she's liked. Running out is the consequence of her own behavior.

It sounds like you have decided that you will protect her from the most drastic consequences of her decisions. That is fine. You can decide exactly where you want to draw the line. She has made her decisions about her money. You can make your decisions about your money.

You legally can do nothing. And she doesn't want your help. Bow out of the financial arena, except to the extent you've decided to rescue her in the future.

Keep giving her your love.
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No exploitation. Mom has had a "crush" on the married son of her CGiver almost since my dad passed in 2001. He has needed $for one bad investment or another, she's given it to him, he didn't have a car, she gave him $for one, he's been out of a job for years, she gives him $ for "gas" ($50) every time he comes to visit her or his Mom who is there anyway. Additionally she writes checks out for cash to herself and we don't know where it goes. She also pays the CGivers other son to do yard work and handyman exorbitant amount that is too much. The BOTTOM LINE is that now there really is no cushion anymore. If she won't allow me to help her manage the funds, she'll be broke and can't pay CGiver, utilities, meds, etc. I will never leave her in the cold, but I will not fund this leech. I legally can do nothing. And honestly, she does NOT want my help. She's told me clearly....all she wants is my love.....but what do I do?
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Do you suspect the CG and/or the son of exploiting your mother, taking advantage of her vulnerability, or talking her into gifts and payments against her best interests? In that case I assume you could take legal action against them. If this is the case, I wonder why it has taken ten years to come to light?

What are CG and son being paid for their services?

Do you know why Mom has been "giving" money to the son? Is it gifts? Is it in payment for extra things he has done?
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