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We want to make sure the caretakers show us what our mother is giving away. She doesn't remember what she's given and the caretakers happily take beautiful items that we'd like to know about.

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They what? They take away items that your mother gives them?

No no no no no.

If your mother presses gifts on caregivers and won't take no for an answer, this is what they must do: thank her warmly for the thought, then put the item in a designated cupboard or box out of her sight and document the incident.

You can help by providing a safe place for them to put the things in, and a notebook and pen for them to record what's happened - date, time, what the item was, and their signature.

They should also report back to their supervisor. If the caregivers are from an agency, the agency needs to know that the client is doing this.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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jacobsonbob Feb 22, 2020
CM--Excellent idea; I was also thinking along these lines. This would allow the one receiving care to get pleasure out of the "giving" but still require and enable the caregivers to avoid keeping them.

Are there any trivial "gifts" that would be allowed, such as the care receiver (or family) offering a piece of candy or similar item? I wonder if there are any "allowances" similar in policy to what government employees may receive. (I'm just thinking "on [virtual] paper"...)
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This shouldn't be happening.  Your Mother is obviously a very loving, generous person, but her personal belongings should remain with the family.  I would speak to the caregivers and tell them that the family is sentimental about her belongings and ask that they refuse her "gifts."  If there's anything of value (jewelry, for example)  I would quietly remove these things - before they're gone.  This needs to be addressed immediately.  Good luck to you.
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Reply to dlpandjep
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Totally inappropriate of caregivers to accept items. They are in the home to do a job, not to get stuff. Please make this clear to them and also remove anything you’re concerned about disappearing.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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gdaughter Feb 22, 2020
Actually, I hate to say this...but even the nicest seeming and most trusting caregivers, unless you truly know them, can be thieves...it's so easy to slip in, take something rarely used/seen and be gone with it. And no way to prove/track...so before caregivers are in your home, if you don't know them/they are from an agency take all the valuables out. I know we nice people would feel it makes us look untrusting of them...but at our house...I am very grateful for a door with an exterior, key required locking knob. We have to keep my pup in here because there is no way mom can handle her and she could let her out. So I have all the good stuff locked up in here.
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Professional Caregivers are aware that generosity like this could be the result of Memory Loss and should disclose this to family members, and should not accept such gifts unless the family is aware and agree. Such gifts like gift cards, and eatables are the more common gifts of appreciation. Accepting gifts of value without disclosure is a sign on poor character choice, and the family should remove this individual from the care team of the loved one immediately, and should consider legal action if the items are not returned. I have received appreciation gifts from family members after the love one has passed away, and only once was it a personal item the mother had instructed the daughter to give to me. I hope you find some resolution to this issue.
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Reply to MyCalling
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jacobsonbob Feb 22, 2020
Thanks for your comment; it answered in part what I just typed in response to CM's comment. A gift given by the care recipient should be promptly disclosed and presented to the family members, and then if the latter want the caregiver to have it (preferably waiting until after the passing of the recipient), then it can be made available to the caregiver.
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Takes pictures of her pretty’s, show pics to caretakers, and let them know if she gives anything to them you expect them to give it back to you.
in other words, I know you wouldn’t want to take advantage of my elderly mother 🙄
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Reply to Getkicksonrte66
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 20, 2020
Great idea!
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I agree with everyone. This is unprofessional. I would ask that they return everything they were given. They have taken advantage.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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gdaughter Feb 22, 2020
The only catch is this good daughter has to be able to remember what is missing...and if it all is not returned then wonder which of the employees has what is outstanding....
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Caregivers should not be accepting ANY items that mom is "giving" away.
This might be considered financial abuse if the items are valuable. Might also be considered theft if mom is not cognizant of what she is doing.
If the caregivers have been hired privately then you tell them they can not accept anything that mom gives them. If they have been hired through an agency this needs to be discussed with their supervisor.
This is a boundary issue.
I would inventory items that are of value. Remove items that have value. If possible do a video inventory as well.
You can put cameras in the house so you can monitor what is going on. You can not audio record though and you can not place cameras in places where one expects privacy like a bathroom.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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gdaughter Feb 22, 2020
totally agree...and that might be the one place they stash something until they can use the bathroom and pocket it. I work for an agency and the homemaker program policy has evolved over decades. I still recall some awful situations that developed and inspired things...that we couldn't easily anticipate. For example the woman who persisted in giving her aide a sewing machine she insisted she was going to throw out otherwise...but then imposed on the homemaker to mend some clothing items on her own time...or the sisters who were going to sell their car on the open market anyhow. That never happened before or after and was a done deal before we knew about it...Less of an issue since it was fair market value...(a very old car). Any time anyone in these circumstances gives someone helping them a gift, it can have unexpected repercussions at the very least of them then expecting "special" treatment.
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I think you should ask the caregivers what your mother has given them, and ask them to bring it back. If your mother can’t remember what she’s done, she wasn’t of sound mind to ‘give it away’, the caregivers should have been well aware of that, and it’s abuse. The fact that it’s ‘caretakers’ plural is even worse. I’d report it to the agency if that’s how they came. Your mother’s brain is probably allowing her to make quite disproportionate gifts for things that she is grateful for, but which are actually part of the carers’ jobs for which they are paid.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Oh no no no! Absolutely NO gifts are these care givers to take away with them! Make that perfectly clear at every shift, every time, period. NO exceptions. Call the Agency they're coming from to reiterate your rules on this subject and to find out what THEIR rules are as well. I'd be very surprised if they permit their care givers to accept gifts from those they care for. Then remove anything & everything of value that your mother owns so she can't give away anything that's worth a significant amount of money, just in case one of the carers 'forgets' your rule.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If the caregivers are from an agency, the agency could (and perhaps should) fire them. I have worked with a number of agencies, and all have rules that do not allow their caregivers to accept gifts from clients, even small monetary gifts, from their clients. If you otherwise like the caregivers, you might remind (i.e., warn) them first, and if they accept any more gifts from your mother that you learn of, the caregicers will be reported to their agency. Alternatively, you can report them now. The caveat is that you don't have much specific info that you know to be accurate. For the future, I'd follow some of the other suggestions you've received here re inventorying and photographing your mother's belongings, as well as removing whatever you can.
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Reply to caroli1
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gdaughter Feb 22, 2020
I'd only add don't forget the little box shoved in the back under the sweaters in the bottom dresser drawer that has the bracelet mom only wears on Easter. yeah, it happened, and by then the employee had departed...and it was months later. That's how the client didn't notice it was missing. The aide was doing laundry and putting it away and had gained the clients trust. That's how easy it happens.
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