Mom gives me a hard time about everything and then lies about things like taking my personal belongings, why?

I remember the heartbreaking reality shock of what this disease is....within the week of bringing my mom home with me...I decided her needlework would be a great pastime for her since she was so good at it and loved it, she was crafty! Embroidery, crochet and knitting in particular... So I brought it out and we went an got some yarn, I requested a scarf for winter. She would get several rows in, get mixed up n frustrated, take it apart, start over, over n over for the whole day. I could not bear to have this go on anymore, it broke my heart, I kept the scarf stuff and put away the "knitting basket" for good! I sure wish I had paid more attention, and shared that hobby with her!, I can barely do a simple crochet stitch. I still have the scarf yarn ball, maybe I will try to finish someday, in her honor!

Point being, it was only the beginning,,,the phone tv n microwave abilities left shortly after.....it was a battle of our wills, us being healthy in mind unable to understand how one could just pick n choose what they can and cannot remember/do. and we plain old don't want it to be the case, hoping we could will it better with our nudging/reminders, so to speak. When I finally began letting go of my wants and expectations is when life got a little easier!
Wishing everyone the patience and strength it takes to manage our loved ones!

Yes, Jeannegibbs got it just right. Like many of us, she's been there, done that (or some are still doing that).

People with dementia need to be reassured. They live in a world that they don't understand. It's far better for their self-esteem, as well as our sanity, to agree with them. Or as Jennie suggested, when there's a problem include the person with dementia in the solution if at all possible.

The main thing is to remind ourselves repeatedly that this person has dementia. This is the disease. They aren't trying to punish us or make our lives miserable. It's hard to be the caregiver, but it's got to be harder to be the person with the disease.

Wonderful tips from all of you in this great community.
Carol

My Mother has had Alzheimer's for quite some time now and it is getting worse, the doctor is constantly changing her meds to help counter some of the problems that have risen. She lives with my younger brother & his wife in Utah and they have been going thru some of the same things that everyone talks about. So they give her little chores to do to give her something to do, like she washes the dishes everyday. Her sewing room is a total mess and if they clean it up she gets mad because she cant find anything then. She always thinks my Dad has gone off and left her alone when he is right outside the door working on something. She accused everyone of taking her panties on one occasion, including all of us that live out of state! We must have come and taken them!! Well my sister in law found all of the panties out in the trailer hanging in the shower. She took them out there and washed them and totally forgot about it. They have a trailer so my parents can have their own space and will spend most of the day in until it's time to eat and go to bed then they stay in the house. My Mother's sewing room is in the house next to their bedroom so she has her own space to go too but she still thinks she is living in the assisted living home and constantly tells me they are the only ones there! I have to remind her they are living with family now so it's much better. I have also found you have to be very positive when talking to her other wise she will find negative things to say. It's very hard on the caretaker and bless all your hearts out there for being the "Caretaker's". I know my brother & sister in law have their hands full.

jeannegibbs...explained it perfectly...same as I do with my Mom. And life is good!

Your mother is showing signs and symptoms of dementia. Get her tested with a neurologist to make an accurate diagnosis, and no, she is not doing any of this on purpose, and you need to read up on Alzheimer's/dementia to know how to take care of her without taking everything personally. It is a long, hard road.

Thank you jeannegibs that was the exact explanation I too needed! I am constantly trying to reason with my mother....trying to help her and fill in the blanks! I get nothing but angry and frustrated and we end up fighting! I realized after reading what you wrote I am ANGRY and I MISS MY MOTHER! I continue trying to "bring her back" we are only 18 years a part and she was always my best friend....that's gone now and very difficult to accept! You showed me I can still have a relationship with her but I need to shift my thinking and mostly my approach to things! Thank you, and God Bless!

Years ago I came across an article about Oppositional Defiant Disorder in children. The symptoms were familiar because I've seen them in my mother's behavior as long as I can remember. Now she's 96 and the same personality quirks are combined with dementia and it makes caring for her difficult.

Bottom line: Don't get sucked into her game playing, manipulations, lies, demands for attention, etc. Otherwise you'll get exhausted, if you aren't already. Focus on something positive, do the necessary work and talk as little as possible. Easier said than done, particularly with the emotional hooks our mothers have into us, but practice will pay off.

Meanwhile, you may want to consider asking her doctor to evaluate her for possible intervention with medications. If the first drug doesn't work, keep trying. Good luck and blessings to you both for a peaceful solution to this challenge.

I have lived through all the same scenarios. It was suggested to me to buy and read this book, The 36 Hour Day. Do yourself the favor and do the same. It explains the frustration away. In order to survive this bumpy road, you must live in their world and not try to make them live in yours.

I have had this with my husband if I said the wrong word and corrected myself he would carry on talking about the wrong word to put me down. All these small changes happen without you notice and then there is a list but I have learn to understand that Alzhiermers is just a lable and there is so many problems under that unbrella. Everyday day presents a different challenge. My advise to to have your Mum's favourite music and play it. Dont worry about small problems. Just have the house safe for her and when she says horribe things to you, this is how she feels about herself . She feels that she cannot be loved.

allislost. They really cannot help themselves. My mother who has been living with us for the last year is the same way. My mother also talks confusion or complains incessantly, unless I give her something to do which takes her confused mind off of going around circles. I have found folding towels, doing crafts, getting her to sing along with old songs, riding around on drives to the country tend to calm her down. Of course, that takes time from you, so it is challenging to manage.

Allislost, what I particularly liked about Jeanne's detailed reply was the way she pointed out that she knew all this because she had been there: been there, done that, and has the scars to prove it. The bit I'd like to emphasise, then, is that it is Not Your Fault that you didn't automatically realise what impact the changes in your mother would have on everyday life. How could you possibly? So if you have any residual feelings of guilt or self-blame, lose them! It takes time for any of us to adapt to these changes, and nobody finds it easy or fun. Teepa Snow's presentations are excellent further reading, if no one's already suggested them to you. Best of luck.

Hallucinations vs. Delusions in Alzheimer's from http://www.everydayhealth.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-hallucinations-and-delusions.aspx
quote
It is important that Alzheimer's caregivers understand the difference between a hallucination and a delusion. Each of these symptoms can affect your loved one in different ways:

Delusions.Delusions are false beliefs caused by the deterioration of cognitive processes in the brain of the Alzheimer's patient, and are often influenced by misunderstandings or misinterpretations. Patients might think they are being followed, or might accuse a family member of stealing from them or plotting against them.

Hallucinations. These involve false perceptions, and are also caused by changes in the brain due to Alzheimer's. Patients can literally "sense" - see, hear, smell, taste, or feel - something that isn't there. They might see and talk with old friends who aren't there, or watch ships floating through the sky outside the window, or smell foods they enjoyed as a child.
end quote

Confabulations are a major annoyance - when listeners take everything at face value, no matter how false their statements. The danger is when banks, adult protective services, police, friends, family, and other listeners take everything our loved ones say at face value and react based on the statements. Know that confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive. The statements can be coherent, internally consistent, and reasonable.

Be aware there are similarities between confabulation and delusions; e.g., both involve unintentional false statements. Realize delusions are frequently observed in Alzheimer's patients may include beliefs about theft, the patient's house not being his home, a spouse, is an impostor, belief an intruder is in the house, abandonment, spousal infidelity, and paranoia.
--
It is difficult to accept the mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease. develop boundless patience. Forget about
rational responses.

Enhanced Moments, "Touch Many ... radiate your warmth." --
Jolene Brackey
Author of "Creating Moments of Joy" Perdue University
Press.

I thank you for this. I have read material on it but it doesn't explain it quite like you just dd. She has only had this a short while and was living with me before this came on. It is really hard to understand her mentality now vs before. Thank you for opening my eyes for how to understand what's going on. I will try to be more understanding.

Why? Because she has dementia.

You will be doing yourself and your mother both a favor if you accept that a person who is losing her ability to reason cannot be consistently rational. Expecting rational behavior and accurate answers is just asking for high-level frustration.

(I know. I've been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.)

Why ask her what happened with the faucet? An answer won't change anything. How about "Oh dear! The faucet got left on. We'll need to clean this up fast. Can you help me? I'll get some rags and a bucket." If she explains that the dogs did it, say, "That's OK. I am sure it was an accident."

Don't ask if she knows where anything is. Of course she doesn't. She has dementia, remember? You might try, "I am so sad. My red-handled scissors is missing and I need it now. Will you help me look for it?" That gives her a chance to be a hero if she has a vague memory of where it might be, and no reason to get defensive about it. Remember the goal. You want the scissors, not to establish guilt.

Dressing inappropriately for the season or the occasion is extremely common in dementia. Help her pick out her clothes the night before. Or comment "That is my favorite pair of shorts on you. It is such a nice color. If you get a little cold, though, I have put a pair of warmer pants on your bed." Try not to have a contest of wills. Same with the cane. "Let's see. You have your purse, and your scarf. That is good. What else do you usually like to have in the store?"

She may never again be able to help you with chores that involve organizing things. Just can't do it. She might be able to arrange the pantry WITH you, but not alone. Try to find tasks that give her something to accomplish that she can succeed at. Matching socks from the laundry, folding towels, possibly polishing silverware are examples.

Adjusting to living with someone who has dementia is very, very hard. It will always be hard, but it can be a little easier if you accept that your mother's behavior is limited by physical flaws in her brain (plaques or tangles or protein deposits, etc.) She can't help her behavior. You'll have to adjust yours.