Mom gives me a hard time about everything and then lies about things like taking my personal belongings, why?

A friend of mine shared this link with me last nite....mite help give more understanding...but watch out~grab some Kleenex first, I got a lump in my throat and gut, balled my eyes out!!!

rollingstone/music/videos/glen-campbell-shares-poignant-last-music-video-im-not-gonna-miss-you-20141012

Can relate to what to others are describing about their loved ones. My dad has been wearing sweat pants and shirts year around. He also is sleeping in his recliner instead of his bed and not sure why. Am getting better at not arguing or disagreeing with him. Just worry about and sometimes hurts my feelings to know he doesn't feel good and the dementia and/or Alzheimer's makes it hard to communicate. Try to act like it does not bother me, but it does help to know others are going through the same thing.

Thank you Jeanne.... it just defies logic, and I am a statistical/logical type thinkier definitely! XOXOX to you for your kind words of support!

Oh yes, juju! Oh yes! The disease is frustrating. The situation is frustrating. Vent away!

We personified my husband's dementia. We called it Lewy. (It was very helpful to me that he was aware of his disease. My mother isn't. It makes a difference.) We both could get disgusted with that darn Lewy. When he got discouraged over his bad days I'd say, "Lewy is especially nasty today. Maybe tomorrow will be better."

It really is helpful to realize our anger and frustration is not about the person we love, but about what is happening to them.

Then there are the days that I just am frustrated! not at her but the situation...I have to run a household and get so much done all alone.. and every single morning it is a 20 minute battle to get the pills and water down! if I walk away to take care of something else, half dissolved pills are found everywhere and water which is prescribed with pills never gets touched. After 10ys of every morning telling her at least 20 times "finish the water", then the food is an hour at least and another insane amount of "eat your meal" etc.... then its a diaper change few chores and next meal all over again! I just want to scream, not at her but just scream at the monotony of it all !!! Sorry just venting!

I am sorry you had to suffer thru that fedup....so sorry...I do believe personality traits are there. dementia can only worsen them. not saying that is your case!

something you said touched a nerve for me as It reminded me of some things that made it so difficult to accept it actually was the dementia not the behaviors I was used to all our life! it is this, there are things she does, that I tell her not to do enough that she does not do them in my presence....which to me was saying she has the control....she knows what she is doing.... or I walk in and catch her doing it she hides it, and if questioned denies it.....but
but someone gracefully pointed out Loosely translated thru these memory failures she loves and respects me and when I am present she is reminded of what I ask her to do.
It kinda made sense, made me feel better, anyway!

Sorry to be the one outstanding thorn on the rosebush of explanations here BUT: My mother-in-law suffered from dementia on and off. She would have clear moments and she would have moments when she thought her son was her husband. BUT she never forgot that she hated me. She would kick me, hit me with her walker, smash my lip open, punch me whenever she got the chance. She was clear headed enough to do this ONLY when her son WASN'T in the room with us and then she would tell him, "She hit me!" (I never did!) Now THAT is diabolical, logical and smacks of premeditation and is NOT something someone does with dementia. This was a deliberate action. I refused to call that dementia. It was plain ol' demonic hatred expressed and excused by dementia. She's dead now. GOOD RIDDANCE!

I'm not sure who you're talking to, kennyhelper. If it is allislost, the profile has that her mother has alz/dem. No one here is diagnosing.

These people who are saying it's dementia, Alzheimer's etc have no way of knowing this. it may sound similar but could also just be a normal part of aging. people's brains react and respond differently as we get older. Do not drive yourself crazy or get upset thinking it could be a mental illness. Get a professional opinion and evaluation from a real Dr. or psychiatrist who can actually meet your mom in real life instead of listening to some "know it all" on the internet.

Some of this information I really needed to hear. I know it but it still frustrates the h*ll out of me my mom still thinks she had a third husband, or I should be sleeping with her since my dad and step-dad are both gone. I have try to reason with her that a 54 yr old son doesn't mind laying by her now and then to comfort but not all the time. I have gotten better at either agreeing when I know she is so far off. Thanks for ya'lls post.

This is the story of my life w/ Dad. He was such an honorable, righteous, & good man. Everyone wanted a dad like him. Everyone loved & respected him. Now, He literally would & has stolen cookies out of a baby's hand! (I would give my 2 year old strawberry newtons & fig newtons for him for dessert- their favorites). This sneak would wait for me to leave the house-- I'd turn right around, right away, and he would be standing there where I left him two seconds before w/ the baby's cookies in both hands! (Which he must have pulled out of his pockets!) He knew they were for the baby- he didn't even like them. But, he'd keep taking them until they were gone! The man pre- meditated schemes with plots & sub- plots. Said to me one day out of the blue, " I have been thinking a lot about how & what would hurt you the most, & I want you to know: that if you don't do what I want OR if you ever try to tell my doctor there's something wrong w/ me....I HAVE EVERYTHING IN PLACE TO DESTROY YOU! " Who has ever said that for real? Scary thing is, It sure felt like some demonic spirit set up camp in my dad's body. It only looked like dad. This guy didn't use the same language as dad did. My dad & I were so close--closer than anyone! Now, it seems strange to me that there are so many horror stories like mine. Seriously, I don't have any answers. But, in observing every story about "personality changes" as w/ ALZ &/or other dementias, I have not seen ONE SINGLE CASE being that a cranky, mean, cruel - type person changed into a patient, loving, honest, honorable, etc,, person! Please, if you are out there- please, tell me a true story of an elderly person who had dementia that completely changed for the better. You know, changed their ways to be good decent people instead of the a***holes they were known for. all their lives. Scientifically, I can not explain it. But, I am not that smart. I am a medical professional speaking & I don't see plaques being the reason for the "evil". All we know is autopsies show these similar plaques in the brains of the demented. The one common denominator we can objectively see. That's it. If the devil had a shot at taking away the kind of love dad & I had, when dad is old & weak, I am certain he would try. I can't help thinking, "No. Don't let our loved ones go out like this, after all the good they've done all their lives!" If that IS true, then the only & best weapon we have Is LOVE. There is nothing more powerful. blou

A thorough physical checkup with a complete review of meds is key, if she hasn't had one. Infections and med side-effects or conflicts can mimic dementia, or make a known dementia patient appear to be more advanced than they actually are.

(Somebody mentioned her husband's stroke. My husband also had one, and the effects are mostly cognitive. Stroke is a different beast -- improvements *may* still be possible for many years afterward. Or not. Everybody's different. I *can* and do discuss things with my husband, and we can usually resolve them in some way -- which is something I would not even attempt in the case of dementia.)

A great book is Thoughtful Dementia Care: Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It gave me a peacefulness in dealing with my husband's dementia. I feel more patient and most of the time happiness reins. Another great source is Teepa Snow. She is an occupational therapist with extensive dementia experience and she has produced several DVDs that really aid in understanding the process and in offering many suggestions to handle many many situations to make things easier for all concerned. Good luck to you.

Your feelings are not priority in this situation. Keep mom occupied with fun and fulfilling activities like so many in my ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents". It will take up time from you and family, but its worth it see a loved one relaxed and not getting so upset each time she dwells on a subject. Love and Patience and changing routines to meet her needs. Good Luck.

my husband had a stroke last year and I am going thru some things like leaving the water running and not taking his cane. I told him that I will not take him anywhere without his cane - now he takes it without any problem - he loves to go out and eat. I have notes all over the kitchen but they do not help - I just have to watch carefully and I do not ask him to do any chores any more except put his plate in the sink without turning on the water. You just have to accept that he probably will not get much better.

We are currently dealing with MIL who is having hallucinations and delusions. Doctors were telling us she had dementia and Alzheimers etc. For the most part though she is completely cognizant and normal. She just has this whole thing going towards evening about a neighbor who has an evil son and he's trying to do things to her. Some pretty wild and strange things. She goes around the house spraying vinegar water to remove an odor she perceives and wears a mask because he is putting white powder in the heat system! My wife finally took her to a Psychiatrist who specializes in older folks dementia issues. What we came up with was "Late Onset Psychosis" which is a form of mental illness and not Alzheimers or the more common forms of dementia. The Dr. put her on serequel and I wish I could say it was helping but the jury is still out.

MIL has agreed to go into a home but she will go bonkers if they try to place her in a dementia unit. I'm not sure how its going to go. I guess we'll find out next week.

Well, Jessie, just because you've got dementia doesn't prove you're NOT possessed by demonic forces. :) Just typically that an exorcist isn't going to be able to solve the problem.

Jeanne, I agree with you. Sometimes even the family doesn't want to admit that an illness really exists. They can see the person with dementia as just being old, willful, and possessed by demonic forces.

A lot of stuff with dementia is OCD and is a perfectly clear mind of how things were...even if we would like things to be different they are a comfort to them.
Their minds cannot except blame because their short term memory is not working correctly as in out of sight out of mind...have you had her diagnosed by a neurologist? You would hate to do anything blindly like take care of someone, that has dementia...without some of the right tools for coping and getting along...trust me you will need a baseline to work off of for the future it is a long road that can last years, you do not want to get worn out unnecessarily.

CM and juju (and Mudiver) that just happens to be one of my hot buttons. People who think there is nothing wrong with a person with autism that good parenting wouldn't cure DRIVE ME NUTS! And I have seen far too many people totally not "get it" that dementia is a disease (a few, even, in the caring professions) that I will not sit by silently and just ignore such statements on a caring website. 90% of all caregivers are wimps? 100% of the people on this website are or have been or are preparing to be caregivers. What an insulting statement!

Oh! - well, yes, that bit is plain wrong - sorry, thought we were taking that as read! It's like not believing in asthma or autism. If you've never witnessed or experienced them, good luck to you! - but to imagine that asthma means getting a bit puffed, or autism means the child is badly behaved, or alzheimer's is normal ageing inadequately addressed… the fantasy of the uninitiated, I'm afraid. May they never learn different :)

Thank you JGibbs, I was just going to ignore that, myself!!!

Self-protection is always important for caregivers. Tough love is not relevant to caring for someone with Dementia. Sorry, but it really bothers me when people refuse to acknowledge the physical deformities in the brain and think that they can "teach" new behavior via tough love or any other means to persons incapable of learning. And threatening someone with a nursing home as if it is a punishment is totally inappropriate.

Phil413 has it right. "Correcting or scolding is not going to restore the person my mother used to be."

Not all old people have dementia. But this thread is specifically about dealing with people who do. Caring for someone who has dementia is challenging and heartbreaking. Calling those trying to meet the challenge "wimps" is demeaning.

Some very good responses here! I have experienced the same thing with my mom. While the rational part of my mind tells me that it's her dementia, the emotional side of me becomes irritated. I have also found that getting into a contest of wills is useless. She becomes defensive and we both get upset. I have realized that my correcting or scolding is not going to restore the person my mother used to be. It's wearing, I know. Be gentle on your mom AND equally important, on yourself. Make sure that you take time to do something for yourself regularly. It's hard to fit in, but it's an important component to maintaining your own sanity. Hugs!

I think Mudiver just means to give us some tough love ;)

(I agree about not threatening NH - seriously, below the belt).

Excuse me, Mudiver, but my husband was not merely old. He had dementia. An autopsy revealed the deposits of Alpha-synuclein protein in his brain, which gave him both dementia and Parkinson's symptoms. My mother has dementia. She is still with us so I don't have autopsy reports but the nursing home staff and her doctors agree with the family assessment.

A nursing home is sometimes the best solution. I would never use it as a threat.

Those of us who can tell the difference between normal aging and dementia are not necessarily wimps, my friend.

Just have to add, don't get me wrong, I still get frustrated and we have our bad days but I try to remember the lessons taught here, whenever I can!

Allislost, I'm with you, and when i realized my behavior i feel guilty. They're no longer in our world, we need to be in theirs. My problem is trying to get my mother to eat what i cook. She loves, loves to contradict everything i say, and it can be a little frustrated. What i do is place the food on the table and let herserve what ever she wants on her plate. Again is frustrated but we have to embraces it...Its the only mom we will ever have and who knows for how long. May God give you patience, keep praying He listens. Have a blessed week. Wendy

This is not a reply to this post but to every one who are getting there a** beat by mom or dad, and I got mine beat maybe more then most. I cured the dementia bull sh*t. Just don't shot yourself in the head, and with that I would remove the guns so they don't shot you. Being a Caregiver is one of the hardest jobs around. They are losing their inhibitions because the brain is aging as well. They don't have full cognitive function, taking your control back is best done with a suitcase by the front door and large photo of the interior of a nursing home next to it is one really good way to keep them sweet and kind. My mother got so bad I had to call Adult Protective Services, after they left there was a major change in her attitude towards me. I think most caregivers are a bunch of wimps that can not figure out how to protect themselves from their parents drilling new holes in there heads. Screw all this dementia talk, h*ll I am sure I have it as well, remember its just that they are old and full of one big b**ch all the time. Anyone that can should build a nice garage dig a mote around it, install a draw bridge and live in some god d peace sometime. I put in a brick wall then installed an outside entry and I park so she can see my car. I have a camera so I see what the real deal is. Jesus yall are wimps.

I can't believe the amount of true to the heart information I have come across here. There is one new thing I am trying this week, I am having a lady I work with come over for a visit. They are similar in age and can just talk about the good ole days. She can remember things 20 years ago so I figured why not embrace that and bring someone in that can remember with her. It's like us trying to talk to our kids about the 80's. I just dated myself. But to have someone the same age, that has lived when you have lived your active years is fun to talk to. We'll see how it goes.