Mom gives me a hard time about everything and then lies about things like taking my personal belongings, why?

Why? Because she has dementia.

You will be doing yourself and your mother both a favor if you accept that a person who is losing her ability to reason cannot be consistently rational. Expecting rational behavior and accurate answers is just asking for high-level frustration.

(I know. I've been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.)

Why ask her what happened with the faucet? An answer won't change anything. How about "Oh dear! The faucet got left on. We'll need to clean this up fast. Can you help me? I'll get some rags and a bucket." If she explains that the dogs did it, say, "That's OK. I am sure it was an accident."

Don't ask if she knows where anything is. Of course she doesn't. She has dementia, remember? You might try, "I am so sad. My red-handled scissors is missing and I need it now. Will you help me look for it?" That gives her a chance to be a hero if she has a vague memory of where it might be, and no reason to get defensive about it. Remember the goal. You want the scissors, not to establish guilt.

Dressing inappropriately for the season or the occasion is extremely common in dementia. Help her pick out her clothes the night before. Or comment "That is my favorite pair of shorts on you. It is such a nice color. If you get a little cold, though, I have put a pair of warmer pants on your bed." Try not to have a contest of wills. Same with the cane. "Let's see. You have your purse, and your scarf. That is good. What else do you usually like to have in the store?"

She may never again be able to help you with chores that involve organizing things. Just can't do it. She might be able to arrange the pantry WITH you, but not alone. Try to find tasks that give her something to accomplish that she can succeed at. Matching socks from the laundry, folding towels, possibly polishing silverware are examples.

Adjusting to living with someone who has dementia is very, very hard. It will always be hard, but it can be a little easier if you accept that your mother's behavior is limited by physical flaws in her brain (plaques or tangles or protein deposits, etc.) She can't help her behavior. You'll have to adjust yours.

I thank you for this. I have read material on it but it doesn't explain it quite like you just dd. She has only had this a short while and was living with me before this came on. It is really hard to understand her mentality now vs before. Thank you for opening my eyes for how to understand what's going on. I will try to be more understanding.

Hallucinations vs. Delusions in Alzheimer's from http://www.everydayhealth.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-hallucinations-and-delusions.aspx
quote
It is important that Alzheimer's caregivers understand the difference between a hallucination and a delusion. Each of these symptoms can affect your loved one in different ways:

Delusions.Delusions are false beliefs caused by the deterioration of cognitive processes in the brain of the Alzheimer's patient, and are often influenced by misunderstandings or misinterpretations. Patients might think they are being followed, or might accuse a family member of stealing from them or plotting against them.

Hallucinations. These involve false perceptions, and are also caused by changes in the brain due to Alzheimer's. Patients can literally "sense" - see, hear, smell, taste, or feel - something that isn't there. They might see and talk with old friends who aren't there, or watch ships floating through the sky outside the window, or smell foods they enjoyed as a child.
end quote

Confabulations are a major annoyance - when listeners take everything at face value, no matter how false their statements. The danger is when banks, adult protective services, police, friends, family, and other listeners take everything our loved ones say at face value and react based on the statements. Know that confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive. The statements can be coherent, internally consistent, and reasonable.

Be aware there are similarities between confabulation and delusions; e.g., both involve unintentional false statements. Realize delusions are frequently observed in Alzheimer's patients may include beliefs about theft, the patient's house not being his home, a spouse, is an impostor, belief an intruder is in the house, abandonment, spousal infidelity, and paranoia.
--
It is difficult to accept the mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease. develop boundless patience. Forget about
rational responses.

Enhanced Moments, "Touch Many ... radiate your warmth." --
Jolene Brackey
Author of "Creating Moments of Joy" Perdue University
Press.

Allislost, what I particularly liked about Jeanne's detailed reply was the way she pointed out that she knew all this because she had been there: been there, done that, and has the scars to prove it. The bit I'd like to emphasise, then, is that it is Not Your Fault that you didn't automatically realise what impact the changes in your mother would have on everyday life. How could you possibly? So if you have any residual feelings of guilt or self-blame, lose them! It takes time for any of us to adapt to these changes, and nobody finds it easy or fun. Teepa Snow's presentations are excellent further reading, if no one's already suggested them to you. Best of luck.

allislost. They really cannot help themselves. My mother who has been living with us for the last year is the same way. My mother also talks confusion or complains incessantly, unless I give her something to do which takes her confused mind off of going around circles. I have found folding towels, doing crafts, getting her to sing along with old songs, riding around on drives to the country tend to calm her down. Of course, that takes time from you, so it is challenging to manage.

I have had this with my husband if I said the wrong word and corrected myself he would carry on talking about the wrong word to put me down. All these small changes happen without you notice and then there is a list but I have learn to understand that Alzhiermers is just a lable and there is so many problems under that unbrella. Everyday day presents a different challenge. My advise to to have your Mum's favourite music and play it. Dont worry about small problems. Just have the house safe for her and when she says horribe things to you, this is how she feels about herself . She feels that she cannot be loved.

I have lived through all the same scenarios. It was suggested to me to buy and read this book, The 36 Hour Day. Do yourself the favor and do the same. It explains the frustration away. In order to survive this bumpy road, you must live in their world and not try to make them live in yours.

Years ago I came across an article about Oppositional Defiant Disorder in children. The symptoms were familiar because I've seen them in my mother's behavior as long as I can remember. Now she's 96 and the same personality quirks are combined with dementia and it makes caring for her difficult.

Bottom line: Don't get sucked into her game playing, manipulations, lies, demands for attention, etc. Otherwise you'll get exhausted, if you aren't already. Focus on something positive, do the necessary work and talk as little as possible. Easier said than done, particularly with the emotional hooks our mothers have into us, but practice will pay off.

Meanwhile, you may want to consider asking her doctor to evaluate her for possible intervention with medications. If the first drug doesn't work, keep trying. Good luck and blessings to you both for a peaceful solution to this challenge.

Thank you jeannegibs that was the exact explanation I too needed! I am constantly trying to reason with my mother....trying to help her and fill in the blanks! I get nothing but angry and frustrated and we end up fighting! I realized after reading what you wrote I am ANGRY and I MISS MY MOTHER! I continue trying to "bring her back" we are only 18 years a part and she was always my best friend....that's gone now and very difficult to accept! You showed me I can still have a relationship with her but I need to shift my thinking and mostly my approach to things! Thank you, and God Bless!

Your mother is showing signs and symptoms of dementia. Get her tested with a neurologist to make an accurate diagnosis, and no, she is not doing any of this on purpose, and you need to read up on Alzheimer's/dementia to know how to take care of her without taking everything personally. It is a long, hard road.

jeannegibbs...explained it perfectly...same as I do with my Mom. And life is good!

My Mother has had Alzheimer's for quite some time now and it is getting worse, the doctor is constantly changing her meds to help counter some of the problems that have risen. She lives with my younger brother & his wife in Utah and they have been going thru some of the same things that everyone talks about. So they give her little chores to do to give her something to do, like she washes the dishes everyday. Her sewing room is a total mess and if they clean it up she gets mad because she cant find anything then. She always thinks my Dad has gone off and left her alone when he is right outside the door working on something. She accused everyone of taking her panties on one occasion, including all of us that live out of state! We must have come and taken them!! Well my sister in law found all of the panties out in the trailer hanging in the shower. She took them out there and washed them and totally forgot about it. They have a trailer so my parents can have their own space and will spend most of the day in until it's time to eat and go to bed then they stay in the house. My Mother's sewing room is in the house next to their bedroom so she has her own space to go too but she still thinks she is living in the assisted living home and constantly tells me they are the only ones there! I have to remind her they are living with family now so it's much better. I have also found you have to be very positive when talking to her other wise she will find negative things to say. It's very hard on the caretaker and bless all your hearts out there for being the "Caretaker's". I know my brother & sister in law have their hands full.

Yes, Jeannegibbs got it just right. Like many of us, she's been there, done that (or some are still doing that).

People with dementia need to be reassured. They live in a world that they don't understand. It's far better for their self-esteem, as well as our sanity, to agree with them. Or as Jennie suggested, when there's a problem include the person with dementia in the solution if at all possible.

The main thing is to remind ourselves repeatedly that this person has dementia. This is the disease. They aren't trying to punish us or make our lives miserable. It's hard to be the caregiver, but it's got to be harder to be the person with the disease.

Wonderful tips from all of you in this great community.
Carol

I remember the heartbreaking reality shock of what this disease is....within the week of bringing my mom home with me...I decided her needlework would be a great pastime for her since she was so good at it and loved it, she was crafty! Embroidery, crochet and knitting in particular... So I brought it out and we went an got some yarn, I requested a scarf for winter. She would get several rows in, get mixed up n frustrated, take it apart, start over, over n over for the whole day. I could not bear to have this go on anymore, it broke my heart, I kept the scarf stuff and put away the "knitting basket" for good! I sure wish I had paid more attention, and shared that hobby with her!, I can barely do a simple crochet stitch. I still have the scarf yarn ball, maybe I will try to finish someday, in her honor!

Point being, it was only the beginning,,,the phone tv n microwave abilities left shortly after.....it was a battle of our wills, us being healthy in mind unable to understand how one could just pick n choose what they can and cannot remember/do. and we plain old don't want it to be the case, hoping we could will it better with our nudging/reminders, so to speak. When I finally began letting go of my wants and expectations is when life got a little easier!
Wishing everyone the patience and strength it takes to manage our loved ones!

I can't believe the amount of true to the heart information I have come across here. There is one new thing I am trying this week, I am having a lady I work with come over for a visit. They are similar in age and can just talk about the good ole days. She can remember things 20 years ago so I figured why not embrace that and bring someone in that can remember with her. It's like us trying to talk to our kids about the 80's. I just dated myself. But to have someone the same age, that has lived when you have lived your active years is fun to talk to. We'll see how it goes.

This is not a reply to this post but to every one who are getting there a** beat by mom or dad, and I got mine beat maybe more then most. I cured the dementia bull sh*t. Just don't shot yourself in the head, and with that I would remove the guns so they don't shot you. Being a Caregiver is one of the hardest jobs around. They are losing their inhibitions because the brain is aging as well. They don't have full cognitive function, taking your control back is best done with a suitcase by the front door and large photo of the interior of a nursing home next to it is one really good way to keep them sweet and kind. My mother got so bad I had to call Adult Protective Services, after they left there was a major change in her attitude towards me. I think most caregivers are a bunch of wimps that can not figure out how to protect themselves from their parents drilling new holes in there heads. Screw all this dementia talk, h*ll I am sure I have it as well, remember its just that they are old and full of one big b**ch all the time. Anyone that can should build a nice garage dig a mote around it, install a draw bridge and live in some god d peace sometime. I put in a brick wall then installed an outside entry and I park so she can see my car. I have a camera so I see what the real deal is. Jesus yall are wimps.

Allislost, I'm with you, and when i realized my behavior i feel guilty. They're no longer in our world, we need to be in theirs. My problem is trying to get my mother to eat what i cook. She loves, loves to contradict everything i say, and it can be a little frustrated. What i do is place the food on the table and let herserve what ever she wants on her plate. Again is frustrated but we have to embraces it...Its the only mom we will ever have and who knows for how long. May God give you patience, keep praying He listens. Have a blessed week. Wendy

Just have to add, don't get me wrong, I still get frustrated and we have our bad days but I try to remember the lessons taught here, whenever I can!

Excuse me, Mudiver, but my husband was not merely old. He had dementia. An autopsy revealed the deposits of Alpha-synuclein protein in his brain, which gave him both dementia and Parkinson's symptoms. My mother has dementia. She is still with us so I don't have autopsy reports but the nursing home staff and her doctors agree with the family assessment.

A nursing home is sometimes the best solution. I would never use it as a threat.

Those of us who can tell the difference between normal aging and dementia are not necessarily wimps, my friend.

I think Mudiver just means to give us some tough love ;)

(I agree about not threatening NH - seriously, below the belt).

Some very good responses here! I have experienced the same thing with my mom. While the rational part of my mind tells me that it's her dementia, the emotional side of me becomes irritated. I have also found that getting into a contest of wills is useless. She becomes defensive and we both get upset. I have realized that my correcting or scolding is not going to restore the person my mother used to be. It's wearing, I know. Be gentle on your mom AND equally important, on yourself. Make sure that you take time to do something for yourself regularly. It's hard to fit in, but it's an important component to maintaining your own sanity. Hugs!

Self-protection is always important for caregivers. Tough love is not relevant to caring for someone with Dementia. Sorry, but it really bothers me when people refuse to acknowledge the physical deformities in the brain and think that they can "teach" new behavior via tough love or any other means to persons incapable of learning. And threatening someone with a nursing home as if it is a punishment is totally inappropriate.

Phil413 has it right. "Correcting or scolding is not going to restore the person my mother used to be."

Not all old people have dementia. But this thread is specifically about dealing with people who do. Caring for someone who has dementia is challenging and heartbreaking. Calling those trying to meet the challenge "wimps" is demeaning.

Thank you JGibbs, I was just going to ignore that, myself!!!

Oh! - well, yes, that bit is plain wrong - sorry, thought we were taking that as read! It's like not believing in asthma or autism. If you've never witnessed or experienced them, good luck to you! - but to imagine that asthma means getting a bit puffed, or autism means the child is badly behaved, or alzheimer's is normal ageing inadequately addressed… the fantasy of the uninitiated, I'm afraid. May they never learn different :)

CM and juju (and Mudiver) that just happens to be one of my hot buttons. People who think there is nothing wrong with a person with autism that good parenting wouldn't cure DRIVE ME NUTS! And I have seen far too many people totally not "get it" that dementia is a disease (a few, even, in the caring professions) that I will not sit by silently and just ignore such statements on a caring website. 90% of all caregivers are wimps? 100% of the people on this website are or have been or are preparing to be caregivers. What an insulting statement!

A lot of stuff with dementia is OCD and is a perfectly clear mind of how things were...even if we would like things to be different they are a comfort to them.
Their minds cannot except blame because their short term memory is not working correctly as in out of sight out of mind...have you had her diagnosed by a neurologist? You would hate to do anything blindly like take care of someone, that has dementia...without some of the right tools for coping and getting along...trust me you will need a baseline to work off of for the future it is a long road that can last years, you do not want to get worn out unnecessarily.

Jeanne, I agree with you. Sometimes even the family doesn't want to admit that an illness really exists. They can see the person with dementia as just being old, willful, and possessed by demonic forces.

Well, Jessie, just because you've got dementia doesn't prove you're NOT possessed by demonic forces. :) Just typically that an exorcist isn't going to be able to solve the problem.

We are currently dealing with MIL who is having hallucinations and delusions. Doctors were telling us she had dementia and Alzheimers etc. For the most part though she is completely cognizant and normal. She just has this whole thing going towards evening about a neighbor who has an evil son and he's trying to do things to her. Some pretty wild and strange things. She goes around the house spraying vinegar water to remove an odor she perceives and wears a mask because he is putting white powder in the heat system! My wife finally took her to a Psychiatrist who specializes in older folks dementia issues. What we came up with was "Late Onset Psychosis" which is a form of mental illness and not Alzheimers or the more common forms of dementia. The Dr. put her on serequel and I wish I could say it was helping but the jury is still out.

MIL has agreed to go into a home but she will go bonkers if they try to place her in a dementia unit. I'm not sure how its going to go. I guess we'll find out next week.

my husband had a stroke last year and I am going thru some things like leaving the water running and not taking his cane. I told him that I will not take him anywhere without his cane - now he takes it without any problem - he loves to go out and eat. I have notes all over the kitchen but they do not help - I just have to watch carefully and I do not ask him to do any chores any more except put his plate in the sink without turning on the water. You just have to accept that he probably will not get much better.