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Oh, and they often LOVE THE PAMPERING, so make it an enjoyable and bonding experience for the both of you. Plus you can really evaluate their skin as you go, making sure that there are no breakdowns, tears, bruising, or God forbid, a bedsore, over the top of her butocks area. Also, she may be trying to cover up an embarrassing rash, under her breasts, or down below, but you just need to have gentle chats regarding the importance of good hygiene. Using powder, in those feminine area's helps with moisture rashes also.
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It seems to me, that you can do a very good "bath", right there on the bed, with a small tub of water, a bar of soap, wash clothes and towels both under her, and around and over her, if you really wanted to. We did that, when my Mom was home on Hospice, we even washed her hair, as the elderly often hav very tbin hair, but it took two of us to do it, or only one, if we used the NO WATER shower cap types, you can buy in the medical supply stores, that actually work quite well! I understand that it would be easier if you can get her to the showere stall, and have her sit on the shower chair, but I wouldn't let a shower upset my plans to finally get to go out for the day. Like Countrymouse said, you have to pick your battles, and of course, save your sanity. Plus it does take a certain comfort level of washing someone else's private parts, but doing this with towels covering her, or him, and being very clinical about it, explaining every step that you are taking, ie: OK, I'm going to wash you here now" helps at first, until you both get comfortable doing bed baths, but they can be very effective, and with proper turning, side to side, you can reach every Part! Make sure that you follow up with a good cream, all over her body, to help prevent skin breakdown, and if her skin tollerates it, there are some very nice mild and fresh scented creams on the market. I liked the SSS, by Avon. I hope this helped!
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I can't get my mom in the shower neither. She either says: I don't sweat any more, or: I just took one. I don't know when is the last time she took a shower. She gets mad at me if I bring it up. It always causes an argument. She won't let me have any "help" come into the home to assist me. I moved in 4 years ago to care for her. I just can't seem to get her into the shower or tub. It grosses me out.
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Um. To cut to the chase: "She's on oxygen 100% of the time. She has advanced COPD, heart issues and a mass in her lung that is suspicious for malignancy (she doesn't know this)."

There is equally this: "She doesn't even care about how much my husband and I do to help care for her to enable her to stay in her own home."

So, first of all, I am so so sorry for how exhausted and heartbroken you must feel. Getting burned out? Goodness, you must be a cinder. I have tears of sympathy starting, too, at your brilliantly honest - and thank you, because it needs saying and you're brave to do it - description of how your feelings boiled over until you told her you hated her. Of course you don't, but it's so much to deal with. Truly, I not only understand how you feel: I lost count of the number of times I shook with frustration over my mother's refusal to be even minimally co-operative about her own safety and lectured her endlessly about it. Completely pointless. I wish I hadn't. Too late.

What I'd say is, avoid the regrets I now have about the time and tears I wasted on arguments. Longer term, you could offer your mother assistance with 'washing up', or perhaps aim at getting in an extra caregiver visit specifically for help with a shower; but just taking as an example the thwarted visit to your in-laws - what would have happened if you'd all gone, shower or no shower?

It isn't that your position is in any way unreasonable. You're going on a visit, it's normal to do your hosts the courtesy of being clean and tidy. True, correct. But your mother hasn't the energy for normal. There *could* be other reasons for the reluctance to shower, and it's worth checking that there isn't a problem she hasn't thought to mention; but with her health history I'd guess that she is too tired to bother. Literally, she just doesn't care about it - she can't be doing with it. It's the sheer effort, and she probably doesn't even want to discuss it any further, I expect? - that's why she came up with that snapping retort about doing it to spite you (what nonsense, of course she isn't).

Have you had a respite break recently? (Probably a stupid question, I guess). Something to consider, because if you can possibly find somewhere that will care for her well for a full week it will do you a power of good.

But back to now. It's a battle-picking question. Choose them very carefully, and stingily. And don't, please don't, waste breath on arguments. The second your mother starts to dig her heels in about something, drop it - change the subject, leave the room, give her a quick hug and say "ok, we'll come back to that one." There really aren't many things that deserve a place on your priorities list at this point. Preventing uti's seems important, is important, but her shower count isn't going to solve that issue on its own - which means it's not worth the battle. And supposing you'd gone on that visit, after all? Your in-laws might have raised an eyebrow (or God forbid reached for some clothes pegs); but then again I expect they're open-minded people, aren't they? Perfectly able to understand that your mother is in very poor health, and that personal hygiene isn't so easy to manage.

I didn't mean to rabbit on at such length. The way you're feeling at the moment, it must be overwhelming. And there aren't *simple* answers - there's a great mass of philosophical and practical and emotional issues all tangled up together, and you're expected to deal with this at the very stage in life when you're overworked, under appreciated and plain battered. You're right, it's not fair.

But, battles. Cut them right back to basics, pare them to the bone. If it's not a matter of life or limb, and it's causing you or your mother or both of you grief, then let it go.
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