She always has to be right. If she did something to me she says its my fault. I try to ignore her but she then threatens me . it is to the point where she thinks that I can't do anything.
Niyah - if your mom is dying, please call in hospice services. It's covered by Medicare. She does not have to be in your home to receive hospice care. Especially when it jeopardizes your own mental and physical health and wellbeing.
My dad used to tell my mom that she would argue with a fence post. If she went to heaven, she'd criticize the carpet. This was before dementia made her EVEN MORE this way. It was like it was on autopilot and some nasty, unnecessary comment would come out of her mouth without her even realizing it. I stopped her one time and said "did you just hear what came out of your mouth? Are you trying to be mean on purpose?" She didn't even know what I was talking about she was so disconnected from herself.
I began to realize the only way this woman could communicate was in the form of an argument. She literally could not have a simple polite exchange about anything. I read in an article about argumentative people that something traumatic happened to her in childhood that changed her brain and made it crave that kind of stimulation. That realization changed everything for me. I stopped engaging. If she wanted to be ugly about something, I just let her run out of steam. If she became abusive to me, I left. No announcements, no discussion, no warning. I just left. It's hard to put on a show when there's no audience.
Yup, she's a card carrying member of the Unreasonable Moms club, just like 90% of the moms we complain about on here, when dementia makes the whole picky perfectionistic/narcissistic thing worse than ever. We are all SCUM - Sisters Combating Unreasonable Moms :-) We could let guys join too if they experience our same treatment, but usually they're golden and we girls are scum. Welcome to OUR club. You will find a lot of support on here. It really, really, REALLY isn't you.
My mom and I use to go round after round over both the important and the ridiculous. One of the hardest things I've learned about dealing with her dementia is to stop expecting her to be reasonable - which in fact was always an issue with her. For mom it has always been more important to get her way than to be reasonable or even right. My mom has always been a feminist and I think it's more a situation of personal dynamics than gender identified authority figures. Mom listens to my brother who is her favorite child and she listens to my husband because she adores him - always has and I'm lucky on that account. So I agree with the poster who said finding a person(s) whom she'll respond to is more important than right or wrong, male or female. Best wishes to you - and step back, try not to take it personally. It really isn't you.
Sorry that answer was meant for Nivah too...and Nivah, my mom is always scouring the internet for a new reason for her complaints, which are really of the result of her high anxiety and failure to get up and move around so that all her parts will function as intended! Sometimes it's all you can do just to be civil back to them, but I wish you luck keeping your temper and your sanity! We love our moms but they always know just what to say to get under our skin, don't they? I wish you the best.
Louran, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having such a difficult time. It's good that you reached out, and I hope you find some peace. I hope that you keep letting us know how you are doing. Your character is not flawed, and you are allowed to have these emotions. If you find that many of them are still in place even after she passes, I hope that you will find some emotional care for yourself so that when it's time to lay down your responsibilities you will be able to turn the page and open a new and rewarding chapter of your life...you do deserve happiness. Hugs to you.
Thank you sandwich42 for the list. I've been there; the whole list. Then I decided to move Mom out. We found a place and days before moving she crashed both emotionally and physically, so that she was no longer qualified for the place we selected. She is in my home now in dying phase. Louran, anything I say is disqualified at all levels of her wellness / illness. Just this morning I asked her if she had any signs of a UTI. I asked her in a gentle way. She said "why would you even ask me that?" She was totally offended. When I said that I read that many older people are very susceptible to UTIs, she said "Well, you are always indulging in gloomy reading." As if it is a character flaw, that I had this piece of knowledge. This, coming from a woman who reads the Merck manual cover to cover. (Merck manual is a volume of medical condition descriptions). I still love her, and will miss her.
Been there, done that. This is a common problem in caregiving elderly family. I hope I remember on some level that my turn to be in charge will end and it will be mostly people younger than myself in charge of my care.
Sometimes we have to be very strategic when things are like this. Think about who your mom will listen to the most. Those are the people who have to tell her things. It can't be you. You will have to coordinate with them to accomplish what you need to get done.
My mom would listen to my husband, so I had him do a lot of the talking and telling. Her job was to go along with what the man in the family said. And me too. So, she cooperated even when she had doubts. I could shush her up if she started criticizing him by telling her she can't talk bad about my husband. I felt like I had jumped back to 1850.
She would listen to any male authority figure. Her brother, my husband, the doctor, the pastor, and a little bit to my dad's brothers. (Dad died in the 1980s). She would never listen or value anything any other female ever told her, regardless of how many degrees they had.
At some point, who is right or wrong doesn't actually matter as long as you are able to do the things necessary to keep her safe.
Sometimes we have to swallow a very bitter pill just to go along with them and keep the peace. Yes mom, I'm an idiot. You're right. I will say that this stage lasted so long with my mom, that I had to step away for my own good. It wasn't just a crabby comment here & there from her, but hours & hours of abusive language because mom had a history of it before dementia set in.
Have some boundaries and don't put them down for anything or anyone. If it becomes a mental strain for you to be around her, this is a sign that you need to protect yourself before you get totally burned out. Mom may need a different care situation so it's not destructive to you.
You can recognize the signs if they happen: ==You have bad sleep or insomnia ==Can't stop ruminating or going over it in your mind ==Can't stop feeling angry or resentful ==Can't find enjoyment in things or people or events you used to ==It's impossible to just let it roll off your back. Every insult hurts and doesn't stop. ==The anxiety makes you nauseous or you have lost your appetite. ==You find yourself snapping back, yelling, or becoming exasperated very quickly
Do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself.
Louran, we must be sisters. My mother is always right. It's important to her. She rarely believes anything I say, because to her I am just a dummy. It's funny sometimes. Once she was talking about the floor moving under her feet, so she wanted to get the foundation people in. My 14-year old nephew came over and jumped around on the floor, then told her it was fine. She believed him. It is kind of funny when a mother believes a teenage boy faster than she does her senior-citizen daughter. The world of caregiving for dementia can be topsy turvy at times. Does your mother have dementia?
Louran, we need more information. Such as what medical issues does your Mom have? Does she have dementia? Does Mom live with you or you with her? How old is your Mom? Do you work or is your job full-time caring for your Mom. The more info you give us it helps us better understand the situation.
If you and your Mom are now living together, the family dynamics change back to you being the "child" and your Mom being the "adult" and she knows best.
My dad used to tell my mom that she would argue with a fence post. If she went to heaven, she'd criticize the carpet. This was before dementia made her EVEN MORE this way. It was like it was on autopilot and some nasty, unnecessary comment would come out of her mouth without her even realizing it. I stopped her one time and said "did you just hear what came out of your mouth? Are you trying to be mean on purpose?" She didn't even know what I was talking about she was so disconnected from herself.
I began to realize the only way this woman could communicate was in the form of an argument. She literally could not have a simple polite exchange about anything. I read in an article about argumentative people that something traumatic happened to her in childhood that changed her brain and made it crave that kind of stimulation. That realization changed everything for me. I stopped engaging. If she wanted to be ugly about something, I just let her run out of steam. If she became abusive to me, I left. No announcements, no discussion, no warning. I just left. It's hard to put on a show when there's no audience.
This is a common problem in caregiving elderly family.
I hope I remember on some level that my turn to be in charge will end and it will be mostly people younger than myself in charge of my care.
Sometimes we have to be very strategic when things are like this.
Think about who your mom will listen to the most. Those are the people who have to tell her things. It can't be you. You will have to coordinate with them to accomplish what you need to get done.
My mom would listen to my husband, so I had him do a lot of the talking and telling. Her job was to go along with what the man in the family said. And me too.
So, she cooperated even when she had doubts.
I could shush her up if she started criticizing him by telling her she can't talk bad about my husband. I felt like I had jumped back to 1850.
She would listen to any male authority figure. Her brother, my husband, the doctor, the pastor, and a little bit to my dad's brothers. (Dad died in the 1980s).
She would never listen or value anything any other female ever told her, regardless of how many degrees they had.
At some point, who is right or wrong doesn't actually matter as long as you are able to do the things necessary to keep her safe.
Sometimes we have to swallow a very bitter pill just to go along with them and keep the peace. Yes mom, I'm an idiot. You're right. I will say that this stage lasted so long with my mom, that I had to step away for my own good.
It wasn't just a crabby comment here & there from her, but hours & hours of abusive language because mom had a history of it before dementia set in.
Have some boundaries and don't put them down for anything or anyone. If it becomes a mental strain for you to be around her, this is a sign that you need to protect yourself before you get totally burned out. Mom may need a different care situation so it's not destructive to you.
You can recognize the signs if they happen:
==You have bad sleep or insomnia
==Can't stop ruminating or going over it in your mind
==Can't stop feeling angry or resentful
==Can't find enjoyment in things or people or events you used to
==It's impossible to just let it roll off your back. Every insult hurts and doesn't stop.
==The anxiety makes you nauseous or you have lost your appetite.
==You find yourself snapping back, yelling, or becoming exasperated very quickly
Do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself.
If you and your Mom are now living together, the family dynamics change back to you being the "child" and your Mom being the "adult" and she knows best.