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Mad if I do it, mad if I remind her to do, help! And for some reason every dish that i prepared, when served she mashes everything together, it doesn't matter what it is.(no bones of course) She can eat mash potatoes every day!!!! and also, with every spoon is a drink of juice. Lots of times when is time to eat, she gets demanding and with attitude at dinner time, when it comes to ask for things, like i need a glass of juice, my water bottle, my napkin,and she finished her food in about 5 to 7 mins the most!!! I tried to keep calm, but at times is hard, when you're tired and stressed.
I am all she's got, plus she does not wants outside help. Need help on how to learn to keep the calm because this is just the beginning.

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My mother HATES to be told what to do - always has, but now with dementia its 100x worse than ever - even if it's to her detriment. She shows no judgement even in regards to her own safety. It's to the point of such ridiculousness that it would almost be laughable if it weren't so freakin' tragic. GardenArtists image of a pouting child with arms crossed and foot stamping is spot on. The only thing I have found that works (sometimes) is to try to give her two choices both with the desired outcome the result. "Mom, would you like to take your pills with applesauce or would you rather a glass of water with some crackers?".
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Wendy, think of it this way, would you want your sig other/spouse reminding you to brush your teeth or clean the bathroom? There would be World War III if my sig other tried that with me.

Another thing, Mom won't move to a senior facility if you enable her. That was my mistake with my parents, I was helping too much, so why should they move, everything is find and dandy.

If your Mom wants to keep living on her own in her own home, then she needs to take on the responsibilities that come alone with that decision. How I wished I had learned that 7 years ago !!

Time to cut back, have dinner with Mom every other day. Since she is able to vacuum and clean house, she can make herself a sandwich for dinner on those days you aren't there.
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Separate and prioritize. Back off on the suggestions of what needs cleaning and when. Your mother seems to be a lot stronger than might be expected for an elder, is still independent, and doesn't want to be told what to do.

Change your approach and instead compliment her on what she is doing successfully, helping her to reinforce the perception she needs to keep as she slides into old age.

Let her still be proud of herself, dictator or not; it's something people need as they begin to lose their abilities. Reinforce her; don't criticize her.

You might even have a heart to heart talk with her, telling her that you were trying to help but it took awhile to realize she didn't need help in the areas that you thought she did. Close the discussion by offering to help when she needs help around the house with cleaning issues, but let her decide to ask you.

But watch her in terms of anything that could be hazardous, such as cleaning when there are trip hazards, going outside to get the mail when the road is slippery, etc.

You have to weigh and carefully choose your battles. With all that elders face, cleaning the sink isn't as high a priority as mobility, safety, cognition, nutrition, etc.

I get the impression she's very independent and intends to remain so, and unless that's something that can be changed, you might find it easier to just play to her tunes, unless of course they compromise you or her. I don't mean just accommodate her, I mean just back off a little bit and intervene only for the really important issues, such as the fact that she's not eating enough, which might change if you don't even mention it.

In some ways she reminds me of a stubborn child, who stomps her foot, folds her arms across her chest and scowls because she doesn't want to do what she's told. That could be one of her acclimations methods to aging.

Perhaps even a more sure way to let her know you understand is to say that you're so glad she's independent and can manage so well. Then sit down in a chair and relax!
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Mom vacuums, and does a little laundry, as well as dusting her coffee tables. She walks outside to throw trash and check her mailbox, not always since i visit with her everyday to bring her dinner and watch a little TV before or after work. It looks like she doesn't like for me to remind her the bathroom needs cleaning, and yet if i do it, she doesn't like it either. About being a dictator, mom have being a very independent woman all her life, since i was raised without my dad. I also feel she doesn't like to be correct it or told what to do. I really don't think she knows whats going on with her mind. I do have Healthcare POA. I monitor her meds since they're too many of them; blood pressure, stomach, depression, anxiety and sleep aid. She refuses to live with me, but at the same time wishes that i was all day at her house till about 7pm her bedtime. She also doesn't like the idea of me moving in with her!!!.....what to do?! how can i make such a significant decision when the time comes? Knowing is not going to be an easy task. Thank you in advance.
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When you said she could wash her bathroom sink, it made me wonder how many of these other things she could do for herself. Do you think that she is asking you to do too many things for her? What would she do if you told her that she needed to do these things for herself? It is good for them to do as much for themselves as they can. It helps their feelings of self esteem and is probably better for their minds than sitting and doing nothing.

Your mother came across as a bit of a dictator in what you wrote, Wendylou. If she is, it will wear you down to nothing in no time. The dictators work on our self esteem in the worst way. Let us know a bit more about your mother.
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I would not instruct her to do anything and just do what needs to be done. With dementia, she's likely to forget anyway. It is stressful for caregivers, but you are doing the best you can. I would read a lot about dementia. It will progress and things will decline. I would consider the options for her care. Do you have Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA? It sounds like she may no longer able to make decisions about her care. Eventually, the have to be cared for a like a child. They can't make sound decisions. I would work on taking the lead in the relationship and developing the ability to ignore her behavior. IT's not her, it's the brain damage.
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