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he has been in and out of the hospital due to a abdomen surgery, which in turn he now has a colostomy bag, dehydration 3 times, and recently a blood infection. He is now home, and she insists on force feeding him to the point where I walked in on her tonight and she is screaming at him open your mouth god dammit. His leg raised up like in fear. My daughter and I do everything besides feed him. Mom is jumping down everyone's throat blaming everything on me.....She tells him you are going to walk again. He hasn't walked since Aug. 21, 2013. He now is showing the signs of pain and discomfort like he did with this last episode to the hospital. The last trip, last week, as my daughter and I were changing his brief, blood started squirting out of his rectum..I just don't know what to do anymore about her. She literally forces him to open his mouth and yells at him. She also is with holding is Haldol..How can someone do that to their spouse? How can she be so mean to the people (Family) that is helping her with him? I'm lost I don't know what to do anymore.......Laura

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She may not talk to anyone, but you sure can. Make phone calls and get your dad some help for heaven's sake!! He's at her mercy but you're not. Take some action unless your dad wants to die and she's honoring his wishes.
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she wants him to die at home,,she has stopped feeding him, i was able to get tylenol in him,, but she just doesn't care.....I heard her say when she was trying to feed him this afternoon, if you won't open your mouth, I am done with you, you can starve. She won't talk to anyone.....
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Oh my freaking God. What everyone else has already said. Thank God you have that shit on tape. Call everyone in authority that's been mentioned, show them that tape, and get that she- devil out of that house and locked up somewhere, for everybody's sake, and good freaking riddance. Everybody, especially your dad, will be better off if that queen B disappears. I am so sorry for all of you. Like Blannie said, I'd have a REAL hard time not slapping the piss out of her by now. Ugh. She's not human. She's other. Get rid of her...like, today. This whole thing hurts me, so I can only imagine what you're going through. **hugs**
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I think you need to make some phone calls. Call Adult Protective Services and explain the situation. Ask if they have brochures to help educate you and your mom. (You're covering yourself by doing this.) Call any other elderly programs in your area. Respite caregiver programs, etc... What you're trying to do is let as many people know of you, your mom and your father. If you try to bring them over to help, and your mom kicks them out, it's a paper trail that YOU are pro-actively trying to help your parents. Trust me, those people Will talk to your mom about being nicer to her husband, to you and the other family members. I'm talking from experience. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

As for call 911, when they ask you what's your emergency, what are you going to say? Is this home your parents? Then they will show greater respect to your parents. Will they take your mom and deal with her? Most likely not - unless it's a real medical condition. Another poster tried that route - calling 911. They came, saw no medical reason to take her away from the home to the ER, and weren't going to take her at all. Hence, my saying to call the different programs in your area. Get to know it and the people. When the time comes, hopefully, they will help you. Remember - always be nice, respectful and friendly to them, and they will remember that of you.

Keep that recording in a very safe place. If I were you, I'd make duplicate copies. It will protect you from her accusing you or your daughter of abuse. I worry about your father. Sorry, it's not much of an advice, but the only one that I can come up with.
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For everyone's sake, try to get your mom out of the house and into some kind of care so you can protect your dad and your children and grandchildren. What a horrible, horrible woman your mom is. I would have a hard time not screaming or smacking her and I am not a violent person. But someone who would be so physically cruel to someone they're supposed to love (her husband) is just beyond my comprehension or compassion. She needs to be removed and restrained from spewing her poison on the rest of your family.

My heart goes out to you and your dad and your children and grandchildren. The next time she goes off on you, I'll call 911 and have the firemen/EMTs deal with her craziness.
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Sounds like you need to call adult protective services, child protective services and the police as soon as possible. Document all threats, bad behavior etc. You and your kids don't deserve having to deal with such a vicious woman. It sounds like she has a life long track record of abuse so it is not simply a case of a heretofore decent person in a panic and the kind of measures you would use there are not enough here. God bless and help you and take your Dad home soon!
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I need help, my mother is now verbally abusing my grandchildren and my daughter and I, she threatened today to kill dad and herself. I had to run my youngest grandaughter home due to the screaming my mother was dueing and threatening...when I returned after her mother came home, i came home to a crazy house. I changed my dad, and drained his colostomy, and my mom needed diapers for herself, she refused and said she is going to tell residential care of all the things that are going on here. I am at her beckoning call, she is loosing her mind and taking it out on everyone else. She started on my daughter and then my daughter started to cry and my 10 year old grandson and 7 year old grandaughter started freakin out crying saying they want to leave, they don't want to be here, I have it all on tape. Mom states she is going to tell residential tomorrow. I have nothing to hide, can I have my mom committed? I need help or answers asap...
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Mom wanted a feeding tube inserted 3 weeks ago, they tried but could not find a safe area since the operation Sept 13, his colon was all twisted and he was swelling like a balloon. He now has a colostomy bag that i tend to. The only way they can insert a feed tube is by doing major surgery. She said she will allow them to do that when the time comes. I take care of dad and her she is chair bound, and has diabetes... it seems to me and my daughter she wants all the attention on her instead of dad. The doctors all tell me, since I am the one who always goes with him to the hospital... that his quality of life is not good.. the doctors are getting tired of her bulls---. Gosh, bookluvr, your dad and my mom sound exactly the same......scarey..I was against the feeding tube, and then when the doctor comes out and tells me they couldn't do it, it was like a sign to me.....the man has had enough.........she slapped me in the face once, and out of respect, i just walked away,,, she always abused me when i was a kid...butted in on my relationships, ruined my first marriage and second........my heart is turning so cold towards her,, but my dad would do anything for anybody... He was and is my best friend,. I will do anything for my dad,,, that is why I don't want full code on him, it states in his will that he does not want DNR... he wants to be let go,. and I can't even give him that because of her..The man deserves dignity, not to suffer in pain like he is..
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Your mom sounds like my dad. If she has her way, like my dad did, when he stops eating, she will ask that they put a stomach tube in. Whatever you do, do NOT even mention this option. I can just see her doing it. And then your poor father, will continue to slowly going downhill for YEARS. My mom was a vegetative-state for Years. She no longer talked, or moved at all (not even a finger), not even turn her head. Her eyes remained opened and unseeing. Yet, father refused to let her go. I'm sorry. Three of my siblings live here. Oldest bro of next door rarely visits or even helps out - at all. So, I know what you mean and where you're at. Even the verbal abuse (and sometimes physical) from father. Even to the point of him going to try to choke me but I positioned my body to a fighting stance and pulled my right hand back to punch him as he neared me with his hands out to choke me. He was shocked to see that I was actually going to fight back. I drew the line with how much abuse I was going to take. So, just be aware that sometimes when the parent's anger reaches that threshold, they Can become physically violent to you for not obeying their command.

I feel so sorry for your father. Is your mom willing to have someone visit her regularly and just talk and relax and they can very carefully give her Tips on caregiving? Don't make it so obvious that they think she's doing it Wrong. But tips to Improve? Father gets his back up when someone even Implies he's doing anything wrong. That just makes him more determined to do it. I have also seen a hospice caregiver very conversationally persuaded father to change his way of thinking of this one topic. And it worked! And there I was butting head with him over it. Sometimes, it takes an Outsider to help the parent see what we were trying to tell him.
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Dad has been on hospice 3 times.. they won't allow him on anymore because she keeps changing her mind about the DNR. We have another company coming out. dad can not walk nor talk clearly anymore. He is bed bound. So my daughter and I change him through out the day. Mom is very mean and not speaking to us. She is a very cruel woman. She will not go on meds for her own anxiety, she expects me and my daughter to do everything. We both have already pulled our backs out do to him stiffening up when turning. Yes, I have a twin who lives 5 minutes away, but works as a cena and will not come over and help, I have not spoken to her since Oct. My brother is about 20 minutes away and is only available on sundays, which he doesnt come over anyways. I will take care of my father, but when he goes,, I will be leaving. I will NOT take care of her.......People may think i am mean, but nobody knows the life and hell she has put me thru in the past and present. thank you for all your answers, they are deeply appreciated...
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Your mother is burned out and afraid. If at all possible, arrange for visiting nurses and get mom out of the house for a while. Go with her to the MD and get HER a good checkup and some medication for her anxiety. Encourage her friends and family to visit and support HER emotional needs.
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I am so sorry....you, your mom and your dad are going through such a hard time, I agree with JessieBelle...try to get hospice involved as soon as possible. Is your dad able to ask for hospice services? Can you get him to the doctor and have a social worker sit down with all of you and lay out the facts and the future? Make sure the doctor knows he is not getting all of his medications. Do you have any home services now?

Your mom must be so scared...she will need a lot of support and right now it seems she is pushing everyone away. I hope you can empathize with that while at the same time protecting your dad from this type of situation. Have you and your mom (any other family?) had discussions about where she will live and what will happen once your dad passes? Another good reminder to all of us that we just cannot put off having these so very tough discussions.

You must have a lot of frightened feelings too....please be sure you are getting support for yourself. Please know that you have others here who care. Peace and good wishes to you and your parents.
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Laura, my heart hurts for you. Your mother probably comes from a time when a good meal fixes anything, and if your father would only eat, then he could keep living. She is probably frightened of losing him and doesn't want to live without him. And he is not cooperating by eating and getting up, so she gets angry.

I suspect your mother needs help letting go Is she open to calling in Hospice? A good hospice service can help loved ones with anticipatory grief in preparation to letting go. The only thing about hospice is they provide only palliative care, so if she is still fighting for him to get better, she may not be open to their services.

I hope that you can step in as your father's advocate and let your mother know that the time is nearing for your father to cross over. She may not want to hear it, but not letting him go is torturing him, her, and the rest of the family. I hope you are able to guide her in the right direction to make it easier.
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