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Momma is 85, has vascular dementia, arthritis, and after a recent stroke can't walk well or see out of her left eye. She lives in her 4000 square foot house alone with her 2 Pomeranians and absolutely refuses to consider moving, even though she really can't afford that house. My husband and I have been paying a friend of the family to stay with her 3 days a week, because I live an hour away and my husband works out of state. It costs us about a grand a month to do this, but if Momma was safe it was worth it, we figured. It's financially hard on us, but we didn't know what else to do.

Things were going fine for a year or so.

Until last week. We recently got Momma a medical monitoring system in case she falls when she is alone. Well, as far as she's concerned, that means she doesn't need anyone watching her. She fired Our wonderful family friend, who called me last evening to tell me that Momma told her I was planning on firing her, and that Momma had clearly told her that she really didn't like having her around anyway. None of that is true, but I think Momma has been rude to this woman for a while, so I don't blame her for throwing in the towel.

I am so mad I want to yank Momma right out from her house and put her into assisted living. What am I going to do?

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THANK YOU for affirming my sense that I've done what I can and its time for a change. I feel like my life is out of balance. Having our friend as Momma's housekeeper and chauffeur was supposed to let me focus on my job, but Momma wants ME to do everything, not 'a stranger' (despite the fact that this friend had known Momma for ten years...). Or she'd rather be left alone to live in her own head. What she really wants is my dad to return from the dead and for everything to be the way it was 15 years ago. That isn't happening, so I think she expects me to play that role.

I am on my way to work now. I was going to rush to her house, but no more Momma Drama. I'm going to let her stew in her juices, then figure out what to do next. Sigh.

I really hate this, there has to be a better way, but I feel better knowing it's not just me going through eldercare insanity.
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EldestOne, whatever you do, do not enable your mother... don't start filling the position of your friend with yourself. Your mother will have to fend for herself until she finally realizes she needs help, and this time she needs to pay for the help, not you and your husband. I know it's not easy to do, but sometimes we need to do tough love on our parent(s).

And be careful how much time you take off from work. I had a fantastic job that was eliminated because the manager had been farming out my assignments to others in the office. No more salary, no more company sponsored health insurance, no more paid vacation days or paid sick days, no more company contribution to my 401(k), and no more profit sharing :(
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Yeah, I think you're both right, we will have to wait until Momma has a fall or serious medical issue that forces her into a different situation. Until then, I'm going to monitor her on the cameras, visit her on weekends.

It's somewhat her dementia talking, but not just. Momma has always been judgmental and bossy and has never shied from offering her opinion, even when it's rude. And she's capable of astounding feats of denial if the world isn't exactly what she wants it to be. So as far as she's concerned, everything is fine. No gratitude for what we're doing to keep her in her home, just a lot of neediness coupled with criticism.

I'm so tired of trying to help her. I've missed a ton of work over the past year. I'm tempted to say, 'This is what you want? Fine. Here's a phone number for a taxi service.'
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Please note it's not your mother's fault for doing and saying what she did... it was the dementia talking, not your mother. Hopefully your friend understands it wasn't anything personal.

Yes, sounds like it is time for your mother to go into assisted living, but she won't budge... many of us have gone through something very similar... my parents refuse to move, too.

What will take a move is when your mother has a fall or illness that requires a trip to the ER... the a short stay at the hospital... then a stray at rehab to rebuild her strength... and then you could put her into assisted living without taking her back to her home [make some excuse why she can't go back to her home]. Some assistant living buildings will take pets so that's a plus.

Then put the house on the market For Sale or For Rent to give your mother the funds she needs to pay for the assisted living facility.
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We had to wait it out. My sister that was the care giver died. My other sister and I were both out of state. It was risky. Mother had a bath lady that suspected she had had a heart attack. (It was broken ribs.) Anyway, the hospital determined that she could no longer live alone. She tried A.L. and didn't like it. She likes the N.H. because she can order the poor aids around. :)
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