Mom works hard with Dad, who has dementia, but finds it difficult to be nice to him. Any advice?

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We kids want to support and help them both of our parents at this time, which is especially difficult of course for Mom. She seems jealous of the attention Dad gets and is not into cajoling him to do things or rewarding when he does. Mom took good care of the family growing up and now with Dad, but she is not a warm and fuzzy type and the two have never gotten along well. What could, or should we do?

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Has your Mom seen Teepa Snow's videos? I've seen some free clips online and have learned some things that we would have no way of knowing if someone with experience didn't tell us.
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Just give her as much support as you can, and if she starts giving your dad a really hard time then try to get another person between them. Yourself if you're there, paid caregivers if that's a possibility, friends or neighbours - anyone who can cushion the friction.

Unfortunately what you can't humanly achieve is making dementia behaviours tolerable to someone with a short fuse and scant patience. I should know. I've learned, painfully, to put myself on the naughty step for time out when I feel I'm losing it with my mother but I still can't just "not mind" when she's being… barmy. I don't think you yourself will get very far counselling your mother to use that kind of technique to relieve her own stress, but can you perhaps think of someone she trusts who could guide her? Maybe someone who's part of her own healthcare team? It's really hard, I sympathise with both of them.
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Is Dad able to get out? Call your local Elder Care Council and see about an Adult Day Program.. That will give Mom more free time..
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Thanks for your advice. We do try to get Mom out to visit other relatives, shop a bit etc. Right now she has her own health issues so walking is troublesome for her.
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I APOLOGIZE FOR THE MANY TYPOS IN MY FIRST MESSAGE. MY AUTO CORRECT DIDN'T CORRECT MUCH.
This is hard, hard work. The other hard thing is not taking a loved one's difficult behavior personally. I need to remind myself constantly of how warm and accepting my wife was before her illness. At times, she functions as a 2-3 year old with a hearing deficit. I can't expect her to be the flexible, attentive person she once was. She can't follow directions that involve more than one step. Getting angry with her, would only increase her own huge level of frustration. Despite the difficulty, please don't withdraw. Your folks need all he help they can get. Spending time with them is more important than anything else. They both need some "time out" from one another.
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This is hard, hard work. The other hard thing is not taking a loved one's behavior personally. I nee to remind me how warm and accepting my wife was before her illness. At times, she functions as a 2-3 year old with a hearing deficit. I can't expect her to be the flexible, attentive present was. She can't follow directions that involve more than one step. Getting angry with her, would only increase her own huge level of frustration. Despite the difficulty, please don't withdraw. Your folks need all he help they can get. Spending time with them is more important than anything else. They both need some "time out" from one another.
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Start getting mom out of the house -- away from your dad. Being immersed 24/7 with a dementia patient without the company of anyone else must be the worst responsibility on earth. Take her to lunch...to visit the family on her own...go shopping...have her hair done. Pay a caregiver to step in with dad. Empathize with her. She's got it rough.
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My mom and dad have always had a loving relationship but it is being tested by dads dementia. I've learned lots on this site and coach mom and she does pretty well most of the time but still gets caught up in arguments that go no where and is reduced to tears. I don't know all the details of your situation but would your parents be better off to be separated? Dad in memory care with mom at home possibly?
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