Background: My 80 yr old grandfather is currently living in a nursing home and has alzheimers. He lost his wife (my grandmother) in 2001, and remarried shortly after. Said spouse is now "estranged" living in an independent living and has abandoned my grandfather after nearly causing his death (long story but not relevant). So, here he is in this nursing home, still fairly independent but his mind is obviously shot. Can barely remember his children/spouses/dates/age, etc none of it. So my mom thinks she wants to take care of him at home, despite the fact she is not financially independent and never has been, and is raising my 10 year old brother. BTW I am 26, and have experience since I have been working in a nursing home for 10 years. So anyway, after nearly a decade of not getting a long with grandpa, the last year or so she has gotten closer since he has not been his ornery old self. She wants to move him back into his abandoned house, sell it, use the proceeds to buy a house she chooses. To this I say "Mom, what will happen when he really needs more help than you can give him?" She says "I will get to keep living in the house, they won't take it if his caregiver is living in it". My conclusion: she is using him to get a house. She went furniture shopping today and he only has about $8K left (since in nursing home has had to "spend down"...) and wants to use it for new furniture.... (his wife's family took all furniture and belongings, appliances, mowers, etc). She has also talked about selling his truck to buy herself a van. I don't think she wants to take care of him because she truly wants to, and I know she feels guilty about him living in a nursing home. But she has a 10 year old child that needs her attention and devotion, and it is time to let things be. I love my grandpa, but sometimes a loved one just cannot care for an elder. So while I can see she may be doing this out of some guilt, I think her real intention is to exploit his assets and get what she wants before stuffing him back in a home. Does anyone else think I am jumping to conclusions?
Then there is the safeguarding of vulnerable, frail and/or mentally frail elders. You cannot whisk someone with dementia out of a nursing home back to a home environment and expect everything to be rosy. As you know. But, again, there are serious legal protections in place here. Don't let her think she can not worry about it.
I think, or at least hope, that you might be jumping to conclusions a bit about her motivations - she probably sees it as a win-win, rather than a tee-hee-hee I get the house, situation. Is there also some legacy of ill feeling about the estranged wife that makes your mother determined to go to any lengths rather see her step-mother get a cent more?
It is not impossible to care for your parent at home. But she can't do it like this, and she doesn't seem to have any idea of what she's doing. If you can't get through to her, what about making an appointment with a specialist attorney so that she'd at least have to concentrate on the realities she'd be facing?
Did your grandfather give your mother power of attorney? If not, how does she expect to take over his finances and sell his house?
I think that your instincts are sound. Something is not right here. It may not be greed but at the very least it is uninformed. Can you contact an elder law attorney about this? Would grandfather go with you? Would he/could he pay for the consultation as part of his spenddown? It would certainly be of more value to him than a house full of furniture.
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