Is my Mom financially exploiting my grandfather or am I jumping to conclusions?

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Background: My 80 yr old grandfather is currently living in a nursing home and has alzheimers. He lost his wife (my grandmother) in 2001, and remarried shortly after. Said spouse is now "estranged" living in an independent living and has abandoned my grandfather after nearly causing his death (long story but not relevant). So, here he is in this nursing home, still fairly independent but his mind is obviously shot. Can barely remember his children/spouses/dates/age, etc none of it. So my mom thinks she wants to take care of him at home, despite the fact she is not financially independent and never has been, and is raising my 10 year old brother. BTW I am 26, and have experience since I have been working in a nursing home for 10 years. So anyway, after nearly a decade of not getting a long with grandpa, the last year or so she has gotten closer since he has not been his ornery old self. She wants to move him back into his abandoned house, sell it, use the proceeds to buy a house she chooses. To this I say "Mom, what will happen when he really needs more help than you can give him?" She says "I will get to keep living in the house, they won't take it if his caregiver is living in it". My conclusion: she is using him to get a house. She went furniture shopping today and he only has about $8K left (since in nursing home has had to "spend down"...) and wants to use it for new furniture.... (his wife's family took all furniture and belongings, appliances, mowers, etc). She has also talked about selling his truck to buy herself a van. I don't think she wants to take care of him because she truly wants to, and I know she feels guilty about him living in a nursing home. But she has a 10 year old child that needs her attention and devotion, and it is time to let things be. I love my grandpa, but sometimes a loved one just cannot care for an elder. So while I can see she may be doing this out of some guilt, I think her real intention is to exploit his assets and get what she wants before stuffing him back in a home. Does anyone else think I am jumping to conclusions?

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Does mom understand she could end up in prison? If not, maybe someone needs to explain......
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Blimey, Amanda. She's not letting the grass grow, is she? Have you been able to have any practical discussions with her about the legal and financial implications of what she's doing?
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As it turns out he cannot get Medicaid because as we just found out yesterday him and his wife have TWO properties. We assumed his wife was in a local assisted living (we do not know for sure) only to find out she has bought a condo, so now the only way he will be able to be approved for Medicaid is if his house is sold or she sells her condo. I still think selling his house would the best idea, because with Alzheimer's you never know how fast the process will go. They are moving into his house next Wednesday, and she is already looking for "babysitters" for Thanksgiving because she isn't comfortable bringing him to my house for dinner and wants to go black Friday shopping..... priorities....
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I don't know what her intentions are, but the outcome sounds like exploitation. She is going to move him back to his house, furnish it with what remains of his money, sell it, and buy another house with the proceeds ... all this sounds way to convoluted to be viable. Is she planning to move herself and your brother into the present house with him while it is for sale? Huh? If the house sells the proceeds have to be used for his care.

Did your grandfather give your mother power of attorney? If not, how does she expect to take over his finances and sell his house?

I think that your instincts are sound. Something is not right here. It may not be greed but at the very least it is uninformed. Can you contact an elder law attorney about this? Would grandfather go with you? Would he/could he pay for the consultation as part of his spenddown? It would certainly be of more value to him than a house full of furniture.
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In order for her to have a chance at getting the house, she would have to care for him for a period of two years BEFORE he went into the nursing home. And if she were to take him out, his Medicaid application would not go through. And he only has $8,000.00 left and his house. Medicaid Recovery will take the house to pay for his care now. And since he is in a nursing home that $8,000 will not last much longer. So, yes get APS involved just the time for them to investigate will be enough to make sure he stays put.
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What, would you say, is your mother's understanding of the rules about safeguarding elders' finances? I'd download some legal guidelines, sit her down and stand over her with a knife until she had read and absorbed them.

Then there is the safeguarding of vulnerable, frail and/or mentally frail elders. You cannot whisk someone with dementia out of a nursing home back to a home environment and expect everything to be rosy. As you know. But, again, there are serious legal protections in place here. Don't let her think she can not worry about it.

I think, or at least hope, that you might be jumping to conclusions a bit about her motivations - she probably sees it as a win-win, rather than a tee-hee-hee I get the house, situation. Is there also some legacy of ill feeling about the estranged wife that makes your mother determined to go to any lengths rather see her step-mother get a cent more?

It is not impossible to care for your parent at home. But she can't do it like this, and she doesn't seem to have any idea of what she's doing. If you can't get through to her, what about making an appointment with a specialist attorney so that she'd at least have to concentrate on the realities she'd be facing?
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She is exploiting him and could cause a mess of trouble. His assets have to be spent on his care - otherwise, could foul up the Medicaid application and leave him out in the cold. Call Adult Protective Services about financial abuse while he still has some assets left and a roof over his head. Also, does she know about SOC? (Share of Cost?) How does she expect to keep up a house - not cheap.
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Call aps?
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Well she took him out of his NH for a trip to buy furniture and had him finance $3200 worth of living room furniture for when she takes him home. This is all too troubling.
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weed , meat , and firewood . thats our currency .
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