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I moved out of house to go to college at 18 yrs old. Lived and moved around for my job till I was 47! I met someone and got married. At 81 I built a house and moved them closer to me. Now 10 min away. I have pushed my mom in trying to tell me what she wants. I have in the past guessed what she wanted or needed an the end result is my burnout. My father is 85 an they both live in independent living! She really does care for him as an aid would. She feels it saves money in the future even though my brother an myself tell her to spend some money on paid caregivers. My mother tells me " I took care of my mom" meaning I need to do the same! My brother buries his head in the sand. I am gong and have gone way over an above the call of duty as a daughter! She's trying to guilt me an says I make mountains outa molehills! She wants what she wants when she wants it!

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Mom is just going to have to understand times have changed. You need to earn a living unless somebody is handing you wads of money. Some of us shouldn't do elder caregiving. Bring me colicky babies any day, but not elders.

Her fear, obligation, & guilt (FOG) will only work on you if you let it. Have a good hard look at your feelings and where they come from. You do not need to feel guilty unless you've done something immoral or illegal.

When you were little and wanted to run in the street or stay up too late, or eat cake for supper, did she not take control of the situation and do the right thing vs. the thing you probably wanted immediately? Well this is no different. A hissy fit is the same whether it comes out of a 3 year old or a 103 year old. I'd actually prefer the one from the 3 year old.

My response to my mom when she does this is....
I'm sorry mom, we're all doing our best.
I wish I could make it like you want.
Things have to be this way, and I'm as sorry as you are.

Nobody is blamed or shamed this way. If she keeps on, I do too. Same question, same answer!
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My two brothers do nothing but ignore our mothers condition. She is 82 she has beginning dementia, horrible hearing she is up all nite. She is addicted 2 lorazepam. She accuses us of stealing. The house needs work they won't lift a finger. Because I live here with my boyfriend. We pay rent I cook clean take her 2 appointments. He fixes things he is a contractor. But why should we be responsible 4 everything? My brother is a contractor too he will not help fix Sh...t. . my boyfriend built a new gate and fence , he repaired bricks paints cleans the carpet he is pur Gardner my mother loves him he brings her food fixes her car does plumbing everything. But he gets tired too. He has lupus and pushes himself till he is sick. My brothers complain like they are jealous. They won't help him do ANYTHING its so messy. And my other pompous firefighter brother comes over like he is a guest and wants to be catered to while he complains about my dude tools I'm the garage. My other brother had his ex girlfriends crap in there for years till we finally got it out. Between my mother and brothers I cannot wait to move out asap .far far away . ( I had 2 do a short sale of my home ) and leave her for those two to deal with.
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Your mother made the choice not to hire aides to help her care for your dad, even though they have sufficient money to hire outside help. It's not that she needs you to take care of them, it's what she wants, and wants and needs are two different things.
Don't let her play the guilt card. If you live your life according to what your mother wants you'll be unhappy and resentful. Tell her it was nice that she took care of her mother, and then changer the subject. If she persists, tell her you've got something to do and leave. She''ll get the message after awhile.
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I love how the brothers always try to bury their heads in the sand. Mine is the same. All of the caregiving has fallen to me, the daughter. I agree with both Maggie and Jean. Stand your ground lovingly and firmly. Your mom lived in a different era and trying to compare the two is futile. Do the best that you can for your mom within the boundaries that are comfortable for you and know that you're a good and loving daughter.
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Of course she wants what she wants. So do I! Sigh. I just can't expect to get it all the time.

She may buy the tickets for a guilt trip but that doesn't mean you have to pack your bags. Stand your ground. Sweetly, lovingly, but firmly set your boundaries and enforce them.

Your mom's life and yours are different in many, many ways. There is not way to make them the same, nor is their any reason to. Did you both have careers? Did you both have children? I suspect that your lives are fundamentally different, and even if they were very similar, that doesn't mean you have to make the same decisions she did.

I imagine you moved your parents closer to you out of love and concern. Continue to express that concern by helping them at a reasonable level. Help them locate the extra help they need and that is outside of your boundaries.

(But you knew all this before you posted, right? If you are looking for validation, you've got mine.)
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Why not just take it one day at a time? (Borrowing from the mole hill analogy. Ha!)

One of my favorite quotes: "My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened." - Michel de Montaigne

It sounds as though you've got a set-up that's working at present. Also sounds as if your mom has money to spend on caregivers if she so chooses. As long as she's taking good care of your dad and that's what she wants to do? End of story.

Where does she put the emphasis when she says, "I took care of my mom." Is it a flat statement as I wrote it? Or is it more like this: "I took care of MY mom."
The first inflection indicates that she took care of her mom, so it follows she would take care of her husband. And, assuming your husband was part of that care giving? Okay with it...helped a bit...I'd say she feels an obligation to do the same for the love of her life. *shrug*

If, though, she says it with the second inflection, then you may be right. She may be sending you a message. To which you can simply reply: "I know, mom, what a wonderful thing that was for you to do."

Don't try to decide anything now. You really don't know HOW you'd feel if you suddenly found your mom with dementia, unable to live alone. We don't know those things for sure until they happen.

You've been a good daughter all of your life, sounds like. Why do you think you'd be anything BUT a good daughter for the rest of hers? You may not take care of mom to HER specs, but you'll take good care of her one way or t'other.
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