My Mom (89) drives her car with a suspended license, expired registration and maybe no insurance. She won't listen. What do I do?

Have your brother take the car back. Or have him disable it. Or hide the keys. If brother isn't on board, call Adult Protective Services.

"I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like mom did, not like those people who were screaming in the car she hit head on."

You can call her doctor and express your doubts about her driving abilities and ask him to request a specialized OT eval of her driving skills. You can follow this up with a certified letter, showing that you expressed your concern to him.

Have a backup transportation plan in place. Find out about senior transport in her area so that when she says she can't get around, you have an answer.

Maybe you can ask the police to tell her that a passerby or neighbor complained of her driving, got her license and reported her. I don't know if they'd do that, but in my experience they are skilled and sympathetic to older folks who shouldn't be driving and handle it in a much more diplomatic way than civilians.

Or contact the DMV; perhaps they do audits of vehicles that haven't been reregistered. Or perhaps the police can use that pretense - that it appears as though the vehicle's registration has expired and they've been requested by the DMV to determine if the vehicle has been sold or is still being driven.

Just prepare to be shocked and sympathetic when it happens.

Believe me, the anger she feels will be nothing compared to the anguish you and the family will feel if she causes an accident. We've been through that - it was very difficult to handle. The other folks in the accident blamed me, as I was the one who was responsible for the accident and for taking away my father's license. The police were wonderful - very gentle and sympathetic to my father.

The second time it happened there was no other person involved, but the person whose property could have been damaged (but wasn't) was hysterical - yelling, hollering, shouting and intimidating my father. He even stood outside the car yelling and screaming at my father.

It took the responding police officer to calm him down. And it was very upsetting for both my father and me.

Carey, I appreciate the explanation. Perhaps there's another way of viewing the situation though.

Would you consider it betrayal if she were injured in an accident, or if she injured others? At her age she could be seriously and permanently injured. How would you feel then? Wouldn't you regret not having stepped in if that occurred?

I think the only betrayal would be to leave her stranded, so take Babalou's advice and identify alternate means of transportation, but don't tell her until her license is revoked.

You can pretend that your family did some real quick work and discovered a, b, & c alternate means of transportation, and that you'll also pitch in and take her where she needs to go first - I'm sure transitioning from driving herself to using public transit won't be an easy task, so comfort her and take her while also getting her used to the concept of using public transit (small buses, not the major linehaul buses).

Make the trips fun ones too - stop at a place she likes (ours is the Dairy Queen), so the trip ends on a positive note

Carey, recently, within the year, it hit the national news a video of this car driving in the wrong way. The police tried to stop him. In the end, they shot at him (or the car) before finally stopping him. I remember watching the different news channels of every news caster asking: Why did the family allow him to drive? .... Everyone was blaming the family. One popular news doctor even made a comment about just letting his doctor know or another newscaster said to report him to DMV. I was so glad that one person tweeted: "It's not that easy."

This is a warning to you and your brother to do what you can because people will Not be looking at your father but to his family - if he ever gets into a serious accident. You know he no longer has a valid driver's license. You need to be pro-active and Document that you've tried in your end to do something.

Tell your brother that since his name is on the car, if your father gets into an accident, he will be the one held responsible. And if people find out that he allowed his father access to the car (example - the car key), they can sue your brother - since his name is on the car. And if there's a loss of life, the police will question him.

When you tell this, Recommend this, Warn this to your brother:
1. Email it to him and keep your email safe and easy to find.
2. Text your brother about this- keep that sent text as another back-up document.
3. Research on your end options and also send by certified mail this letter.

Options for brother - take the key away and blame you (since you're far away, you can afford to be the 'bad guy') My long distance siblings do this all the time for me. This way my dad doesn't accuse me of treating him like a child.

Option - If brother is not using the car, disable it. Flat a tire, take the cap out, etc...

Option - brother takes the car and sells it.

You can brainstorm ways to do this. Or google it.

Let's see - your brother loaned your mother the money to buy the car, she still has the keys, she's driving on an out-of-state license in a car that may not be insured?

A doctor can recommend revocation of a license but it's a state entity that does the actual suspension. Why don't you call them, anonymously if necessary? What does your brother think about this? The security of his loan is in jeopardy if the car is totaled, not to mention what might happen to your mother or others.

I don't understand what taxes have to do with the problem - that might be a specific state issue. I'm only familiar with Michigan; we have to renew plates annually but there are no taxes paid beyond when the vehicle is purchased.

Call the Florida DMV or whatever division handles vehicle registration and ask them to notify your mother she needs to come in for a driving test. If the car is uninsured, that will have to be done in order to allow her to continue driving, if it's determined that she can. But an insurance underwriter might not want to renew the policy.

What are her skills like - can she drive safely otherwise? If not, call the local police and ask them to intervene; I believe they also can request a driving exam.

And warn your brother of this situation; perhaps he'll step in as well.

To Garden Artist: my answer above might explain a little. I appreciate your encouragement in calling the police. We are not confident of her skills, but it feels like we are betraying her, so we haven't yet.

If you cannot get your brother to IMMEDIATELY repossess the car, get liability insurance so that the poor family she plows into have something to pay their hospital bills and funeral expenses with.

When it comes to drivers who won't quit, they have no concern for who ELSE may be harmed.

This is hard, but needs to be taken care of now, not later.

Mincemeat, I think there's another issue with drivers who don't want to quit driving, and it's FREEDOM. .... Freedom to get in the car and go wherever someone wants, whenever someone wants...freedom to be self reliant and not to be dependent on another person.

It's a freedom that I think makes a major difference in someone's life, and is in fact a major step toward loss of that true sense of independence as someone ages. It can be a major turning point.

You are so right, GardenArtist, about it being freedom. My parents feel stuck at home since Dad stopped driving 6 years ago. And I can't be their taxi driver like they wish I could be.... so whenever I say "no" is when my Dad will say that he will start to drive again. That's a major button with me when he does that :P

Then I mention about that lovely retirement complex they could have moved into and have had MORE freedom and me MORE freedom. No more being stuck at home, but they wouldn't make the move... [sigh].