I’m the lucky one who gets to take care of everything that she never bothered to take care of when she had the chance… BUT I guess I should be grateful at least she did this much.
My mom is disabled due to Multiple Sclerosis, she is 65 years old, wheelchair bound, and She was involved in a car accident with my younger sister and got a couple of cracked vertebrate - but wasn’t given access to appropriate medical care or rehabilitation after the accident and these old injuries have exasperated her condition. my sister was/is abusing drugs, and also feeding mom drugs to make her be quiet… this all was able to occur because mom and i were not speaking for many years, sis was taking advantage taking moms check and I had no idea… until it got so bad she had to ‘run away’ and she found me through social media.
fast forward to 2024, she had been living in an independent living facility though she had no business doing so; she had not been able to transfer from bed to chair or chair to toilet but stubbornly kept insisting she could. it took some convincing from the PACE program she was in but finally, as of Sept 2025 she is now in a nursing home.
I have these legal documents that were drawn up - but like, what do i do know? Each one is at least 5-7 pages long plus the notary pages; do i need to make full copies of each and send/provide the full document as requested/needed? Do I have to do something to ‘activate’ these? I’m terribly frightened I'm going to mess something up and mess up her benefits, I don't understand the Medicaid status she has currently and not sure if I messed up with her Medicare as a result. It’s all so overwhelming but the topic I need to focus on for the moment are the PoA documents, thanks for your time.
Its really hard to help someone sometimes without being there. When I gave copies of Moms POAs, I was told I only needed the pages where Mom appointed me and where it was witnessed and notarized. I suggest you call Office of Aging and ask if they can help you understand what all this paperwork means. You can always call Moms caseworker with anything to do with Medicaid.
i’m listed as the medical and financial poa. i’m aware of her preferences regarding QoL and DnR. And she has no assets.
The pace program she participated in when attempting to continue living independently actually coordinated everything for mom to live in the nursing home. Is there such a thing as a temporary medicaid status? i’ll move to a different topic for this actually when i get a chance to submit a new question, but when reviewing her insurance options this year although she is in a nursing home she did not qualify for those types of medicare plans due to her status and it sounded as if it was a temporary one.
not sure if even needed anymore but to answer some questions…
my poor wording is probably what may be leading some to draw the conclusion my inquiry is more complex than it is, but I’m not sure why i’m being told this forum can’t help me when helping seems to be precisely what it was designed for; that’s interesting. then you proceed to… help… me… but ok, whatever.
she’s been in nursing home care in my city since September. prior to that she was living independently in a neighboring city because the state kept assessing her as able to do so. her stubbornness did not help matters. this incorrect assessment from the state meant she kept living independently even though she couldn’t even transfer from her chair to bed or toilet and back. she was in the hospital the 6 months prior to september almost entirely.
i organized and helped pay her bills the last year and a half or so (prior to that my sister controlled everything so i have no idea what was handled correctly or not), mostly from her checking account which i have the details for and am listed as a co-owner. Some of the bills have been paid from my account after transferring funds from her account to mine because she lost her cards.
it was a struggle because she is stubborn and kept insisting she was capable of independent living and able to pay her bills etc. mentally she seems more aware now than she was when living independently; i suspect that this could be because she is receiving appropriate medication dosages whereas before i think she was over or under using her medications. before the nursing home consistently as the day wore on her cognitive level declined and to the point where we couldn’t get anything completed past the morning time due to her level of confusion.
I’m not thinking of taking mom out of nursing home care, i don't see where i could have insinuated anything to that effect.
in fact I’m more concerned with making sure she continues to qualify for nursing home level care. she lost medicaid coverage at some point while we were still estranged, and when i tried to get her on medicaid again, she was denied as though she had too much income. she gets social security benefits and widows benefits. she has no assets. the city she lived in before has PACE which is a program designed to keep people living independently. Somehow THEY got her qualified for Medicaid, initially with the intention of providing her with their benefits/services, only to discover in the end she couldn’t live independently. PACE handled getting her into a nursing home, paying the first partial month before medicaid payments took over.
i guess i don’t know what i need. mom has lost all of her medical cards, ID cards, etc. i never managed anything before due to our estrangement and … i digress.
how much does a lawyer cost? there aren’t any elder care lawyers locally that were available on a service my employer used to offer, so i’d be paying out of pocket for their services. it seems like a lawyer specializing in elder
You say this to us in your long reply (and thanks for being so participatory in the Forum):
"but I’m not sure why i’m being told this forum can’t help me when helping seems to be precisely what it was designed for; that’s interesting. then you proceed to… help… me… but ok, whatever."
I think we have given you good advice here on the forum.
We aren't a Forum that was created to "solve" the problems of aging.
We were created to try to give solutions that MIGHT work and to suggest changes when no solution could ever work. We try to be kind. We try to be honest.
I guess my problem here is that I don't fully understand what you NEED right now in terms of "an answer": Mom is in care. Can you tell me, has someone suggested they need something from you that you can't provide to them as regards mom's ongoing care?
Has someone suggested that there is a designated document you need to present?
You do, you tell us, have completed documents, witnessed and signed. There is no money to be concerned with; Mom has already been receiving PACE and now is in in-facility care. So if someone asks you for it, then present paperwork to them.
Otherwise just sit tight. Mom is in care. The government at this point is issuing her Social Security to the care place and Medicaid is taking over the other things (I am assuming).
As to the Forum in general, I have been on it for five plus years now, and the person I "cared for" gone for more than five. I am an old retired RN. It helps me to think I might help others with what I learned. So I try. No guarantees to be sure.
I would say we all here vary. We have a members from UK, from Australia, from Canada, one living in Italy and we recently had new member from Poland, but most of us are in the USA. Sometimes we have answers. Often we dont. Just suggestions of "things to try". For instance, in your reply to us you mention there is not now any ID for your Mom. Know that may or may not be a problem, but until someone wants ID it is not a problem; she seems to be accessing things without it. There may already be copies of her lost ID extant in paperwork she has somewhere; there may not.
At the point someone does ask, then tell them: "Mom lost all her ID long ago and I can't find it; can the Social Worker help me with applying at DMV or wherever I must to get some ID for her?"
The internet is your friend some of these things as well. For instance: How to apply for lost ID in California will give you a long detailed whole thing about going through DMV.
Part of the problem here may be your own anxiety. It seems to me perhaps you are worrying about all the many things that MAY COME UP?
What if mom wants to leave care?
(Answer: basically "No, you cannot; and if you do I will bow away from any help or care" To be honest that ends that).
OR
What if someone asks what authority I have? (Answer: you have the signed and sealed documents; you are all set. Take them to the person asking and they will make copies)
OR
What if Mom leaves care? (Answer: She probably cannot and everyone will let her know that. You and her caregivers as well. If not, call in the social workers.)
I can't see, by virtue of your update to us, that you need advice of ANYONE at this point. You certainly don't need an attorney at 400.00 to 700.00 an hour. What would you ask him or her?
But if you do need help with a particular issue, here we are!
And we will try (NO GUARANTEE of our success; we are just a mess of caregivers).
And if you DO need help you start with the administration at your mom's care facility, ask for whomever they have (often social worker can work miracles).
A day at a time. Just a day at a time for all of us when we are caregivers. Doing the best YOU can. Doing the best WE can. And hoping. Don't spend time worrying about all the things that COULD happen; instead try saying the serenity prayer like it's a chant. It sure helped this one-time caregiver.
We welcome you.
What is your relationship with the nursing home, did they get her Medicaid approved without your help? It makes no difference who her power of attorney is, the POA’s finances have no bearing on your mom’s Medicaid benefits. Consider making an appointment with the nursing home representative to ask “Do you have everything you need? Is there anything you need from me?”
A living will is generally a person’s wishes as far as what they want or do not want for healthcare. For example do they want CPR if their heart stops. The nursing home might or might not want a copy.
Powers of attorney come in medical and durable/financial. If she is receiving Medicaid she doesn’t have any finances for you to worry about. If one of the POA’s is medical look to see if your name is named. If it is then you want to read the living will to understand what her wishes were, give a copy to the nursing home and her doctor, and be prepared to answer questions about treatments if they come up.
The will you ignore until she passes. At that time you provide it to your attorney or file it with the county or state, the nursing home can advise you. But again if she’s on Medicaid there isn’t any big estate to worry about.
If you can book an appointment with an attorney that’s really your best bet. They can give you advice that’s exactly right for your situation rather than general knowledge.
Again, now that she is in a nursing home and on Medicaid most of your work is done. Good luck to you.
Luckily and happily this is easy to trace down, unlike everything else.
1. Call the attorney who did the work. Find out if it was ever finished and accomplished. IF it was, then get copies.
2. If this attorney is no longer practicing, take all you have to a new attorney.
3. In all you have told us, the important things are missing. Your mother is now in care. Who is paying her bills, and who has been doing that the last years she needed help? And most importantly, is your mother still mentally competent? She is, due to the MS, no longer able to PHYSICALLY function, but you say nothing about mentation. If her mentation is there then you find out from mom:
A) Do you wish me to act for you now as POA
B) Where is everything I need to know?
C) You have an attorney attend you and your mother in her nursing home and get new papers drawn up.
That's a start, and once you have THE ATTORNEY you are well on your way with advice how to proceed. It sounds as though, to this point, everything has been done. Your mother was on PACE. Either she did that or was helped to do it. She is now placed in proper care; either she did that or was helped to do that.
So in short, this is attorney work; he/she will look at your old papers and may want to ask your mom questions about this or that mentioned; does it still exist. Are her wishes the same as regards it. Are her thoughts and wishes the same re any POA mentioned. Is her Advance Directive in the package and are these still her wishes, and etc.
Good luck.