Mom doesn't want to go to an old age home but I cannot mentally handle caring for her anymore. How can I convince her?

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My mother is 86 and has dementia. I am the only daughter and have 3 brothers.
She was with me last year and after i told my brothers i cannot handle it anymore, the one took her for 5 months and could'nt handle it as well and said that he thinks she must go to an old age home which we all agreed to. I had to take her against her will and she was very unhappy..cried the whole time and i fetched her after a week and took her back home with me. I have a carer taking care of her from Monday to Friday during the day while i am at work. Financially its hard on me because she gets a small pension and we have our own business and financially its a battle to survive. She is with me for more than 6 months again and i feel i cannot handle it mentally. Me and my ex husband are living together, because of financial reasons, and still have a son of 19 living with us as well. He was in a bicycle accident 23 years ago..had permanent brain damage...think like a child..not responsible. I feel so trapped...cant go anywhere and feel stressed and nerves but do not want to go on medication. I realy want to look after my mother but at times i feel that mentally i cannot handle it. To see her sitting all day long and not being able to read or to knit, kills me. How can i convince her that an old age home will be better for her... where she can have 24/7 care. Am i selfish?

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You've got a lot to handle, Marlene and you are anything but selfish! Your mom needs to go to a nursing home. This time, don't bring her home after a week. It almost always takes time for people to adjust to this kind of change, so you'll have to just be matter of fact about it and tell her that things will get better as she adjusts. Once she knows she's staying, she may be fine.

She's had several moves considering that your brother also had her living with him for five months. It's rarely positive to move people with AD any more than necessary, since each time is a huge adjustment. The confusion and anxiety that accompany AD makes each change hard. You and your mom will be better off if you can place her in a good nursing home. No guilt allowed on your part. This is a move for all of you.

Take care,
Carol
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More realistic, than selfish, I'd say. You need to build a support system. I would go see your local council on aging. Find out your options. Try to get your son in a group home. He might do better there. I am not being cruel. I suffered a traumatic brain injury. I didn't make real progress till I was on my own, forced to cope. You can reroute your brain, to have other parts take over the injured brains functions. Exercise is key, get him moving. concentrate on what he can do. Somehow exercise creates new pathways. I am not 100% of what I was, but i went from 30% to 85%. I couldn't read, couldn't remember anything, limited mobility. It took 5 years, but there is hope for your son.

What is it mentally you can't get your head around, your loss of freedom, your grief at seeing your mother decline? Try to pinpoint from where your angst is coming. Break it down into manageable parts. What do you do for your self? How can you carve out time to do something just for you even if its only a half hour a day. Can you get your siblings to give you respite. If each gives you a weekend a month, or even a day a month, you will be a different person.

If it is the helplessness to cure her dementia that is turning you inside out, imagine your feelings of her being the same way only unhappy, frightened and alone in a nursing home. Let go of unrealistic expectations, guilt, and pain. You are not God, you can't cure her, but you can make her happier.

Try to derive pleasure from your sacrifice. If it helps i feel you are an amazing loving woman, as my Mom would say, a good woman, her ultimate compliment. Trust me few women got the compliment, but I think you deserve it. When the time comes and you have to put her in a home, or she passes away; take comfort in the fact that you did everything you could for her. Stand tall.
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When my sister went to a group home they asked for no visits for two weeks to get her to settle in. You let mom play the guilt card and you took her back after only a week. Try again, get her some anti-anxiety meds during the transition, and go on a two week vacation if you can.
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