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I'm an only child, so there's no one to help out but my long-suffering hubby. We've just moved into our new home, and we built her a beautiful, sunny bedroom with direct bathroom access. We painted it her favorite color, decorated it with her aunt's antique bed, new mattress, and her mother's quilt.


I had all these visions of us fixing wonderful dinners, watching movies, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch watching deer frolicking in the pasture, and sharing memories.


When we started planning this house, mom said her husband didn't get along with anyone, and he would never live with anyone. She said he didn't like his own kids and their spouses, and he didn't like my spouse, so we shouldn't plan on them living with us. When he died last year, I was sure she'd come live with us. But she's still rejecting us!


She's insisting on staying in her home, paying for a cleaning lady, yard man, and calling us to come over to fix her internet/tv, bring groceries, take her to the doctor or dentist, diagnose her aches, pains, and boo-boos over the telephone. I work from home, but recently she called me to ask what she should do about her chronically swollen ankle that was really hurting.


Instead of getting up from my desk and walking across the hall to assess the ankle, I had to alert my boss and my team I would be away for an unknown period of time to make a home visit and possible ER visit. My boss was understanding but tight-lipped, and I could imagine the eye-rolling of my team who had to cover for me.


The ankle was red, hot and angry looking, so I had to take Mom to the ER for them to officially diagnose cellulitis. Mom protested and argued with me all the way to the ER about why she didn't need to go to the hospital. I finally said, "Mom, this isn't working for me. If you lived with us, your ankle wouldn't have gotten to this state. I know you want to stay in your house, but that's placing an undue burden on us. During the work week, you're going to have to stay at our house, and then you can go home on the weekends." Mom agreed.


She stayed with us for four days after she got out of the hospital, but she refused to return when we went back to pick her up on Sunday! She listed all the reasons why she couldn't possibly live any where but her own home. The biggest reason? She has so many bills to pay, and 3 checking accounts to keep track of! She said, "When Lennie came by every morning to eat breakfast with me, it was easy to keep track of everything, because he'd double check my check-writting to make sure I didn't get my hundreds and thousands mixed up."


My husband complained bitterly about those daily visits because she always had a laundry list of things for him to do: replace a bulb, fix a screen, hang blinds, tote things to Goodwill, bring things up from the basement, chase down a phantom noise, fix the stove, chase off a gopher she hears under her porch, assure her there is no squirrel loose in her basement, put up a new mailbox, fix the storm door the cleaning lady bent..... you get the picture. My hubby complained, "It's always something! I can never do a quick check-in. She eats up half my day, everyday! She insists we eat breakfast. Even if I take her breakfast, she insists on forcing me to eat the eggs she scrambles. I'm not fond of scrambled eggs, but I force them down. By the time I leave, the day is shot. I can't get anything done!"


I totally empathize, but I'm still working. My hubby says this was not how he envisioned his retirement. He thought he would have time for his pursuits; he didn't plan on being mom's fix-it handyman/taxi/errand boy/accountant/exterminator/security force. He, very rightly, complains he can't keep up two houses.


I care for mom on the weekends, and I get stuck in the same situation. We do all her things, none of our own, and on Monday, I feel like I missed the weekend. We're tired! If she just lived with us, it would simplify our lives. Any ideas?

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Oh boy!

And why do you think her living with you is going to be easier?

You will be on call CONSTANTLY. You will have no privacy. She will want your attention all the time.

It sounds like your mom's cognitive skills have declined. Are you aware of that? Are all the legal niceties like POAs and advanced directives in order?

I would be much more inclined to have her go to a nice Assisted of Independent Living Facility if you want your life back. (That may need to wait until COVID is under control in your neck of the woods). Right now, you and your husband are her only source of entertainment.

Tell your husband he has your blessing to cut his visits back to twice a week. Mom keeps a list of things she needs done. He tells her what he CAN do. The rest gets hired out.

Mom gets 1/2 of one weekend day from you. It's called having boundaries.

"No mom, we can't do that. You'll have to hire someone".
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Do not move her in with you for all the reasons Barb stated. Find a nice facility and start planning the move. She is a burden now, she will become a 24 hour burden if you move her in.

Your marriage and your own family need to be your priority. Sometimes an emergency is the only way to get them out of their homes and into appropriate care.

It will not simplify your lives. Your lives will become centered around her even more than they are already.
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DON’T DO IT!!!! I, too am an only child. My husband and I had a great relationship with my parents who lived 1 hour away. As my parents aged and needed assistance with doctor’s visits and meds, I was driving back and forth to help out. I thought it would be so much easier to have them live with us rather than make that drive; after all, we had a huge house where they would have their own master suite. BIG MISTAKE! Once they moved in, things started going downhill - my mother developed Alzheimer’s and constantly tried to “escape” our house to “go home”. She passed away after 6 months of living here. My father has now been with us for 4 years and now we have no life. He sits and sits and sits in front of the tv with the volume too loud watching the same news channel all day. We cannot socialize with friends in our home, else he interjects and becomes part of the “party”. He complains about our grandchildren coming over - they are “too noisy” the “bump into him”, etc. He is not happy and spends his day exuding his negativity to the point we don’t even want to be in the same room with him. He talks on the phone (more like “screams”) with the speaker on to his 99 year old sister every day about how the world is going to hell - neither of them can hear each other even though they both have hearing aids that are constantly monitored. My husband and I are retired, at an age where we thought we would be spending our time traveling the world - no can do. In order to travel, we have to find someone (acceptable to him) to stay in our home and make his meals. He is 97, on oxygen 24/7, needs a walker and has nothing nice to say about anything or anybody....yet I love him because he is my father - just not the man he used to be anymore. There is no way I can now send him to a nursing home (By the way, money is not an issue) b/c his mindset/experience has convinced him that they are all bad places where you go to die when nobody cares about you anymore.
So, “only child” - be careful about your decisions, else you will find yourself stuck in my situation. It would be easier for you to hire a part-time caretaker or prep your Mom to go into an assisted living, where she can have activities and other people to interact with and “have her own life” versus taking over yours. If you think your husband resents her now, just wait until she lives with you 24/7. Please heed the advice you are hearing here from others who made the “wrong” decision. Good luck.
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Put your foot down now! Tell her you refuse to come to her house as this has put an incredible burden on you and your husband. At this point her choice is that she move in with you or she sees you on a very limited basis. Why are you putting yourself, your job, your sanity on a back burner to accommodate your moms every need? I say this out of experience. If I had put my foot down 5 years ago, my mom would be living with me in the same sort of situation that you set up for her at your home. But now, I sleep at my Moms, I gave up my job,I have hired care for her on a financially limited budget during limited hrs of the day so I can run errands for her and walk my dogs. Good luck to you. This is not a life I would wish on anyone.
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My mom lives with me.  It is certainly easier than if she stayed in her own home.  We have an aid for one shift, M-F, 9-5 and I have someone on weekends who mostly cleans, but I can leave the house.  It is NOT easy for me, but my mom living alone is NOT an option.

I think your choice is assisted living/independent living (I cannot tell her exact status) or live with you.
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Tybee, It will not at all get easier, in fact it will get harder and harder, you think you will have time for yourself, think again! I would suggest hire a full time caregiver in your mothers home, if your mother can afford it. Maybe she can visit on the weekend and enjoy the new bedroom. You will learn early on things will not change, but your life will. Your life with your husband will not be your own, privacy will be a thing of the past. Are you up for all of this? I would sit down with your husband and discuss this in length. It is too important not to make a hasty decision as this one. We want to help our LO in so many ways, but we have to be realistic. Times will get tough, more decline, 24 hour care, CAREGIVER not sleeping at night, tired from being up nights, then doctors appointments next day and lots of them moving forward, ER visits, added stress, lots of laundry, cooking, different types of meals, changing sheets, buying supplies and so much more. I am not trying to discourage you from taking your mother into your home to care for her, but I just want you to know it will not be an easy road to travel. Husband is already upset about the visits. and finding it difficult. Sitting on the porch and making dinners sounds nice, but it will not be like that for long.
I have been caring for my mom for twenty years, eight years alone, the rest 12 years with the help of live in family members and I am busy most of the time with my mom. She is cooperative and pleasant, easy to please. I handle all the household everything so she is not asking me to do things. I chose to take care of her and definitely have no regrets, but everyone's circumstances and relationships are different. You obviously love and care for your mother very much. and it is wonderful you have a nice sunny bedroom for her. It sounds lovely. You might want to do a trial period for a few months, if you still want your mom in your home. Your mom is fortunate to have you. Good luck.
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Did your father die in their home?

My mom refused to move out and downsize. Everyone that I talk to that knew her, was thinking that she just wanted to stay where her husband lived with her - and died. It might be a 'guilt' trip on her part - she might feel that if she leaves her home she is 'betraying' her late husband. The other part is that she doesn't want to relinquish control of her life to you. Remember - she is still the 'Mommy' in her mind. Sounds crazy I know, but then again, we deal with minds that aren't quite driving straight in their lane.

My mom also came up with all the 'excuses' . . . paying bills, managing her stock account . .blah blah blah . Excuses that didn't make sense when it came to the big picture. Who's helping her keep track of her 'hundreds and thousands' now? (reffering to 'Lenny').

POA? Trust? or any directives in place? Can't force her if she's 'competent'. Keep on this site. You'll find many different perspectives. You're not alone in your dilemma.

When it comes to your mom, IMHO, stand back, observe and help from a distance. Don't enable her. You may have to wait for the next ER visit - See an EL attorney and see what can be done to help her and make her reason with her life. IT may not work - but you can try.

She's not going to get better, and she may become even more obstinate as time goes forward, much to HER OWN demise. And that's a reality that the family has to face.

Keep your sanity as much as you can, and hold your marriage together the best you can. Don't let your mom destroy you.

I too went through much of what your dealing with now.
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I shudder at how unrealistic your "dream" of your Mom moving in was. I hope that dream is by now thoroughly done to death. Yes, you may have noticed the ankle in time for it not to get worse. But that would have entailed what? An earlier visit to the doctor? Mom with her ankle up while you did all the work?
It is time for you to tell Mom that neither you nor your husband can continue to do all you are doing. I would, frankly take a month to keep a diary of EXACTLY what each of you are doing. You pretty much gave us a valuable one right here. After that month sit with Mom and both of you and the diary and tell her why this cannot continue.
I would not have Mom come to live with you without a trial basis. Such as "We will close up the house, paying weekly visits to get mail, check on everything; for one month we will all live together and see how that works. Then we will meet together and see if we wish it to continue".
To tell the truth I would not want to live with my much loved daughter and her husband. I would live, quite readily in a Senior Assisted Living faciltiy first. The family on the porch all enjoying one another is good for the movies; not real life.
I wish you so much good luck. You have so lovingly tried to do so much.
Get some ideas here, then you and your hubby start by sitting together and coming up with a plan.
If Mom says no to experimenting with a plan moving forward then simply tell her you cannot continue in this way, and that a call to you about the ankle, or pretty much all other things, will have to go through doctor office, not your office. Would she give you POA to do the bills? What a relief that would be off her. My bro asked me to do that the last year of his life, and while it was a nightmare for me getting it all together with all entities, after a year it went so smoothly. Then, unfortunately, he died.
Good luck going forward.
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I copied this from a post I made in the thread “New Posters! Read this” that is under the “Discussions” header. I think it works here as well.
You paint a nice Norman Rockwell/The Walton’s picture of what you think life would be like - having your mother move in with you. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way. Give it some thought.

“How many of us are doctors or nurses? And even if you are - are you also a nutritionist? A geriatric psychologist? A physical therapist? An occupational therapist? A speech therapist? Do you have the physical strength to lift a 100+ pound person day after day - to dress them, change their Depends, shower them, pick them up off the floor? Is your home equipped with ramps, stair lifts, grab bars? Is theirs? Do you have unlimited time to take them to the doctors, the store, on recreational activities? Are you available to talk to them throughout the entire day? The patience to answer the same question over and over and over again throughout that same day? To plan and make special and separate meals that might require pureeing? To then feed them? Can you go with little to no sleep for days and nights at a time? Enough money stashed away for your retirement since this is 24/7 and you’re not able to hold a job? Is your own spouse and/or your children understand why you have no time or energy for them? The list goes on...

Maybe your elder only needs some of this. Or maybe you are equipped to do a lot of this. Maybe you made a promise. But - day after day after day? Perhaps, stretching on into year after year?”
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Frances73 Aug 2020
Mom stayed with me for a few weeks and had a fall. I refused to help her up and called 911. She was OK, just bruised, but I was not going to risk missing a real injury or risk hurting myself. She wasn’t happy with me at all!
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I like all the answers here. I would add, that although it's not easy to realize this (and I had to realize it during my hubby and my caregiving journey with his parents), is that I, RedCrush, was not the only one who could solve problems. What I'm saying is that if there's a problem with your mom's ankle, you could have her call 911, or call 911 yourself and have her sent to the hospital.

Right now you're insulating her sooooo much from her bad decisions. What if she had to be in the hospital by herself, trying to tell the doctors what is wrong? Her cognitive difficulties would be on full display, and they might be able to counsel you about what type of care she needs going forward.

You have a job, and a life. Why would you want to put them in peril or even give those up entirely to maintain a fiction that your mom is able to live 'independently'? She's not living independently. She is in an assisted living with a staff of two!

You and your husband matter just as much as your mom! You and your husband's lives and wishes matter just as much as your mom's!
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Zdarov Aug 2020
Terrific additional words!
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...also, I suspect that one reason that your mother doesn’t want to move in with you - choosing to remain in her own home, propped up by your husband and you - is that she’s trying to hid something. Most likely - a cognitive decline.

Yes, your hubby may be there every morning, but I’d guess that this is
something - a routine and time period that she can still hold together. The comment she made regarding her checkbook is probably the very tip of the iceberg.

It’s amazing how much they can hid and bluff their way through when they still have the home court advantage.

Rather than having a trial run with your mother coming to stay in your home - can you take a week and go stay with her in her home? Once there - take the opportunity to slyly do some in-depth snooping.

Trying to make a long story short - after listening to my mother complain about her TV - too small to see, sound isn’t clear, volume doesn’t go loud enough etc for a couple of years... my hubby and I decided to surprise her with a brand new, larger, stereo equipped flatscreen. You’d of thought we had brought a rattlesnake into her home!
As my hubby worked to set up the tv - I watched her sitting in silence, her getting more and more pizzed off with each passing moment - stink eyeing the new remote - “What the hell is her problem?” thought I. So, after hubby took it back down again and rehook up her old TV and her perking up immediately - I figured it out. She was afraid she wouldn’t be able to work a new TV - to navigate a new remote. Well, that and my mom just liked to b!tch about things... her TV being one.

Anyhoo - just maybe your mother sees moving into your home and having to leave her familiar comfort zone - as a great big, giant flatscreen TV?
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jacobsonbob Aug 2020
Perhaps having the new TV also took away all the "fun" of griping about the old one!
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Part One:
I wonder if your husband is going to be any happier when he becomes your Mom’s caregiver while you go to work each day. Unless you hire someone from outside the home to take care of your Mom while you are at work, your dear husband (DH) will—by default—be the one who has to spend his day talking with your Mom, watching TV with your Mom, fixing meals for your Mom or eat food that your Mom fixes (which he already hates to eat), etc. And if Mom moves into your house, and she refuses to sell her house, your DH will still be your “mom's fix-it handyman/taxi/errand boy/accountant/exterminator/security force” because someone will need to keep up the empty house until it is sold.

Your last paragraph is quite “telling”. “I care for mom on the weekends, and I GET STUCK IN THE SAME SITUATION. WE DO ALL HER THINGS, NONE OF OUR OWN, and on Monday, I feel like I missed the weekend. WE’RE TIRED! If she just lived with us, it would simplify our lives.”

NO, your lives would NOT become simpler, they would become more complicated, because you have now added your Mom to your “immediate family” and you can NEVER get away from her unless you leave YOUR house. If you are already TIRED from taking care of your Mom now, how do you think you will feel when once your Mom moves in?

AgingCare.com website has some wonderful articles about caregiving. You can find several of them under “Care Topics” on the blue ribbon at the top of the forum webpage. I will list some articles that I think that you should read whether your Mom lives in her house or your house in my next posting.
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Part Two:
AgingCare.com website has some wonderful articles about caregiving. You can find several of them under “Care Topics” on the blue ribbon at the top of the forum webpage. 

I strongly suggest that you read:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elder-care-plan-set-yourself-up-for-success-as-a-caregiver-195531.htm
“Elder Care Plan 101: Set Yourself Up for Success as a Caregiver”
“A plan of care is a tool that long-term care providers use to record a patient’s needs and preferences and delegate caregiving responsibilities to ensure these needs are met with timely, high-quality responses. Family caregivers can benefit from using a similar approach to organize their daily tasks and even create a formal account of all services provided in exchange for payment.’

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/identifying-caregiver-burden-206799.htm
‘How to Identify and Minimize Caregiver Burden”
“Caregiver burden is unique to informal or family caregivers. This term is used to describe the cumulative physical, emotional, social and financial impact of providing care.” 
The “Caregiver Burden Self-Assessment” allows “family caregivers who are concerned about their own welfare…to use this quick quiz to receive a reliable and objective calculation of the level of strain they are experiencing (while taking care of their loved one). Complete this assessment based on your Mom’s level of care NOW and I think that you will find that she would be a even BIGGER BURDEN if she moved in with you.

https://www.agingcare.com/documents/caregiver_burden_assessment.pdf

Another good article is: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/strategies-for-getting-and-staying-organized-while-caregiving-164830.htm

In “Life As a Caregiver: How to Make Tough Care Decisions” by Carol Bradley Bursack; she states “The bottom line is that caregiving isn’t for the faint of heart. We must admit our humanity and our perceived imperfections and do the best that we can.” You are going to find that you have many, many hard decisions to make in the future whether your Mom lives with you or not. Please read some of the postings by those who have cared for their parents in their homes. Yes, some of them have had wonderful experiences living with their parents, BUT many of them have not.  You need to quit dreaming and face the hard facts of reality to determine what type of care is best for your Mom. DO NOT let sentiment or guilt or “I have to because she is my Mom” feelings get in the way. Look at the FACTS and only the facts.
I like the idea of a “trial period” where your Mom lives with you for a month or so. That should give you a sample of what life is going to be like once your Mom moves in with you fulltime.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. And as questions or concerns come up, please feel free to post them on the forum. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience available by people who have taken care of parents or in-laws or other family members.
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Tybee, I hope you'll come back and update us on your thinking.

I want to add that I see a huge red flag about your mother's cognitive skills with regard to her aches and pains.

15 years ago, would she have known to call her doctor if her ankle was hot and swollen? Probably. What is going on here is that she has off-loaded her reasoning onto you.

This happened with my mom, subtly at first. She could suddenly no longer make appointments. She couldn't determine if a symptom was important or not. She couldn't call a cab to get somewhere ("what if they get lost", she said?)

It was all a covert cover up for the fact that, to put it kindly, she could no longer reason her way out of a paper bag. Once we got her to a geriatrics doc, he referred her, after two visits, to a geriatric psychiatrist for her issues with anxiety. After ONE visit, the geripsych called me and insisted that we get my mother a thorough cognitive assessment. It showed that she'd had an undetected stroke and that she was functioning, in terms of reasoning skills, at the level of a 5 year old.

This was NOT apparent to her regular doctor, her children or her friends. She was faking at a very high level, and we propped her up for a year before I got called out of work 3 days running and I realized something was terribly wrong and told her I was no longer participating in what I now call "this charade of independence".
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Hummer Aug 2020
"Charade of independence". I love it! My 93 year old mother is so proud of being independent. My brother, her POA, picks up her groceries, my SIL showers her once a week, does her laundry, changes her sheets, cleans up around the apartment, takes her to her many doctor appointments, and on and on. They live a few blocks from her. I live only 30 minutes away, but I refuse to to become part of the charade. I think bro is in denial about the extent of her mental and physical incapacities. I am not going to become the problematic family member to him as her decision maker oh, so I keep my distance from the situation as much as possible. I'm sometimes eaten up with guilt. But it's their charade, not mine.
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I think you received some great advise and guidance here.  As an only I know that we feel we need to take care of it all but we can't.  When I built my house I also made accommodations for the time that Mom or one of DH family may need to move in.  It never happened.  I did take on assisting mom with her bills, medications, medical appointments and shopping.  Because I lived an hour plus away I could not drop everything and run over, probably for the best.  Our time together was planned for the most part.  I would go on Saturday, take care of the bills and checking account, go to the store and take her out if she was up to it.  Her sister came during the week which was helpful, her neighbors daughters would check in when they visited Dad.  She had a neighbors daughter-in-law and granddaughter that she hired to mow her lawn and local handy-man took care of most of the odd jobs so when my hubby visited the list was short,  When she had trouble with any of the electronics she called the 800 numbers and the manuals we covered with her notes on how to fix what went wrong. 

I see nothing wrong with limiting what you will do for her as long as she lives in her own house.  Arranging that hubby will stop in for coffee on Wednesday and help with her bills is fine. Spending his day entertaining her with her long list is not.  Most agencies that offer Homemaker and Personal Care services also have a Chore person to help her with those things.  Let her know that you will be available on Saturday morning for a couple hours to bring her groceries (she needs to supply the list on Thursday when you call her after work.  Arrange her medical appointment with her.  I did this with Mom and we were usually able to see both her PCP and Cardiologist on the same day.  I filed FMLA papers with my employer to be able to take the time off needed.  If she has an "emergency" call the EMT for her.

Honestly it sounds like she is lonely, especially since her husband passed and she's looking to you to fill the void.  She would really benefit from Assisted Living where there are other lonely people and activities.  There is someone there to look at her ankle and change the lightbulb.
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Time for making sure papers are in order .. Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy, Her Will etc. you will need All of these down the line . Find a local Caregivers meeting. It has been a great benefit to me to know what is headIng my way . The new normal changes every day .. The Alzheimer Association sponsors some great meetings. Sad but true , it will not get any better. An Elder Attorney can help with this and your mom is going to have to sign them . The day will come when she will not be able to take care of much of anything ..You will have to take steps to take care of yourself and your husband first because if you don’t, there will be no one to do, what has to be done, to protect your mom.. She will eventually need to be somewhere where professionals can take care of her and you will have to be the one making that hard decision ..
My prayers are with you ..
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I could have written your post substituting "father" for "mother". My mother unexpectedly died while we were in the process of remodeling our home. My father thought he would like to move in with us and we changed our house plans to accommodate him. In the middle of this he told the builder, the neighbors, the barber, the mechanic, that he wasn't going to move in with us. HE NEVER TOLD US. But it was definitely for the best. He stayed in his own home until we reached the point you have reached. Little by little we started doing more and more things that would allow him to stay put. He refused to consider assisted living until we STOPPED our outrageous level of assistance. The he finally, unwillingly, made the move. He now admits he should have moved to AL much earlier so he would have had more opportunities to make friends and take part in the activities. Your only responsibility is for health and safety issues at a very basic level. You should stop by her house no more than two times per week and always have a definite time you must leave. NO ONE is actually forcing you to eat the eggs. Say "No mom, I'm leaving now" and then leave. Your husband should NEVER go over. You have no responsibility to make her happy or ease her loneliness or keep her television working, or keep her house repaired and trying to do so is creating a situation which is only going to get worse. The only thing I would make certain I took over is the banking and checking since apparently she is no longer able to do that. Get POA and you can sit at her kitchen table twice per month and pay bills as you chat. She'll feel like she is 'doing' it and you'll be assured that she's not making mistakes. It took some serious "tough love" with my father but was finally worth it. Do not move her into your home or you'll be back on this board telling us how you have no life and she refuses to go to assisted living. We've seen this movie before.
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LittleOrchid Aug 2020
I think many of us make the same mistake: doing too much in the beginning, with no limits, not understanding that it is just the beginning of the long,slippery slope. It is really hard to dial back from "call me any time you need me." It absolutely needs to be done, though. Aging children really can't do everything for their even older parents. I wish we all could hear from someone who has been through it before we entrap ourselves.
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Boundaries. Your mom can stay in her own home. But you and hubby need to start saying NO. No, no, no.

She needs to hire someone to do her bidding. You guys do not need to be at her beck and call.

I would not put ANY pressure on her to move in with you! It is NOT easy having your parents live with you. Although she's currently being difficult, she would still be difficult if she lived with you. And you could not go home and get a break from her, etc.
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elaineSC Aug 2020
Yes! I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. I saw this after I responded by the way.
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How bout Assisted living for Mom? & sell her house to pay for her care? She’ll make friends & those errands will be taken care of for her at ALF...many of the other bills will end since she’ll be at ALF. They usually have a tour w lunch ...take her! Make a weekend appointment. She’s healthy enough to be alone all week...they’ll take her...she is not immobile yet..or has dementia so the time is right. My feeling is that you would be interrupted and disturbed more often with your mother living with you!
Hugs 🤗
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elaineSC Aug 2020
If Mom won’t live with daughter, she certainly won’t go to assisted living facility. She doesn’t mention any cognitive issues. Mom is just working them. Boundaries need to be drawn and a little help brought in. I would not want to go to assisted living if I were able to live at home comfortably enough. It is a major adjustment. They just need some trusted outside help with the minor things Mom is digging up for them to do. She knows daughter is at home and not physically at a business working and doesn’t realize you are still responsible for completing your work. LOL! Hardly anybody worked from back in Mom’s day.
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Tybee1, We so hope you come back!!
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If your mom doesn’t have dementia, leave her be. Don’t have her move in. Don’t go over to her house every time she calls. Tell her no!! Start telling her no!! If she can’t do it herself then hire someone to do it for her, with HER own money!!! Don’t move her in with you. You will regret it!!
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First, You should let your mom read exactly what you wrote.

But, it's very understandable that your mom wants to stay in her own home and if she can afford it and that makes her happy, she should be allowed to continue living in her own home until she's ready to move.

You and your husband also deserve to be happy.

Just make some changes...

You should have groceries delivered to your mom.

I don't know if you have a Walmart but I paid $99 fir the whole year of Delivery to my Dad.

They will Delivery as many times as you want as ling as it's at least $35.

You should let her know that unless it's an emergency, You can only drop by once a week.

Let her know that you will find a Handy man for her that she will be paying for.

If she has more than 1 Dr Apt a month which would be a lot, she can take an Uber or line up a Taxi.

She could even hire an Adult Sitter, Caregiver, College Student, ect to come over a few hours once a week that could include driving her to her Dr's apt.

You and your husband just need to come up with a plan of what ya'll would be comfortable with and come up with a schedule of how much time and when you're willing to contribute and go with it.

If your mom doesn't like it, then she can opt fir Plan B which is Moving In with you.
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Can you hire a handyman to go in and fix things in her house? Can you hire aides to visit her daily to cook and shop for her and check her health and make sure she's taking her medications? If the answer is "no" then you should revisit having her stay with you or better still, to go to an assisted living facility if she doesn't want to be a burden. It sounds like she needs to downsize and simplify her life. You may have to help with the downsizing, but it's a one-time thing. Hopefully she has all of her paperwork in order if she is getting confused. She needs to give you POA for medical and financial decisions, a living will that explains her medical directives, a will, and some banks also have their own POA forms. Try to convince her that it would be best for you to handle her bills and then have all bills sent to you. With my mother, I've set up almost everything on autopay so I just have to look at the statements. If you have aides going to her house, it would be best to have all financial statements sent to you and remove or lock up her valuables. You and your husband should be able to enjoy your retirement, too!
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It's not ideal to have her move in with you and your hubby - it'll put a lot of strain on your marriage. The best is to put her into an Assisted Living - unfortunately that can be very expensive, but I believe Medicare or Medicaid can help. But if you decide to move her into your house, it may be easier if a close friend of hers could put the bug in her ear saying that it'll be better for everyone that if you move in with your daughter. Best of luck - I know you're going through a tough time. Fortunately my mother had long term care insurance and we were able to put her into a nice assisted living facility. The insurance pays for most everything - which is a little over $10,000 a month.
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Maybe hired help for errands, chores, repairs, ADL's if needed is the best anser.
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I too was the only child BUT fortunately with a lot of helpful cousins. At 88 mom still lived in her split level 9 room house full of stuff. Then came the fall and a
cracked pelvis. So YOU have to become the parent and may have to treat mom as you would a younger child. Wife and I had no children but we both worked full days at our professions. She cant move in with us period. She called and told me she bought a ground level "landominium" from a woman in the nursing center.
Good move, Mom. With daily assistence from caregivers she got along well and her friends could come and go. She stopped driving and kept the car for another year. That worked for several years. Thanks to her housekeeper who also had some training as a practical nurse. Then more rehab in nursing center. I told her assisted living full time was needed. She found a senior "group" home for
$4000 basic per month. No nursing care but everything else furnished. As she needed only assistence to dress, bathe, and go to restroom, that worked. I called it Advanced Senior Living. Eventually We sold the condo and the rest of her goods. Not happy- but she at least was co operative and well cared for until her passing at 94.
Bottom line - You make the decisions from now on. Personally I don't think her moving in with you and husband would help at all at least not long term. I'm 73 and my clients keep asking me what home I am retiring to. Call me in 20 years and I will let you know, I haven't bought it yet.
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Seems she is still grieving the loss of her hubby and not ready to move on to a different sort of life. Her home is familiar and comforting.

I can see that this arrangement is not working for you, your husband or your marriage. I suggest that you and your husband have a series of talks. Decide together what tasks you willing will do for your mom and what are beyond your abilities, resources, or time. Decide how many days per week (and which days) are acceptable to "run over to mom's" and the times of the day that are acceptable. Decide what alternative options for "running over to mom's" when it is outside of your ability to help: call her neighbor, call a friend, get paid in-home companion...

After you have created a plan for "keeping mom in her home," write another plan for "keeping mom in your home" with a schedule of how you will care for her while providing enough "couple time without mom."

After you have some plans for "her home" versus "your home," present both to mom in a discussion. Allow her to talk about both plans and any alterations she would make if she could. Be firm in your decisions of what you can and can not do. Then, give a date for her to decide.

In the meantime, please get mom's legal and financial affairs streamlined. Get most of her bills pain online or autopay. Have a family lawyer appointment to get powers of attorney for financial and medical. Make sure she has a will and you are the executor. Lastly, have an appointment with her primary care health care provider to have her cognition tested. If she is having difficulty with her finances, she may have the beginning stages of Alzheimer's disease. You may be seeing more signs of this sine her husband was able to cover her cognitive issues with his abilities while he was alive. If she does have cognitive issues, you may need to invoke those POAs sooner rather than later.
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You didn’t mention any dementia or your Mom’s age so I am assuming she is okay mentally to be at home. It sounds like to me that you and your husband have not set any boundaries. Your husband could tell her he is in a hurry because of “whatever” and not chase the gopher or whatever small thing. Goodwill items could be put off too. Many of the things you listed are just petty but big just to her. Stop catering so much to her every whim. Also, pay somebody you trust to go there for a couple of hours every other day and THEY can do some of this stuff. Why do you have to go for breakfast if she can scramble eggs and why do you eat if you don’t care for them? You and your husband are enabling your Mom. You have not drawn any lines. You are no longer a child but a grown woman with a job. I am not saying to be smarty with her but to put off those little things for a few days and do them all at once. Change the light bulbs with LED long lasting bulbs and get exterminator if she had critters doing damage. Check in on her but if she calls too much and it isn’t an emergency, tell her you are working and don’t want to lose your job and will call her back. Then call her back at YOUR convenience. If she moved in with you, she will talk to you all the time and want to ride to her house to check things out. You can’t run so you have to set those boundaries even if it means telling a white lie. They get needy and like children. You and hubby have rights too. Good luck to you.
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it won't be any better IF she lives with you. it will be the same "check on this/that/everything" so I would let her hire someone to do the yard work, housecleaning, you can take care of the bills and check on her daily when you are done with your work.  IF she gets too bad off, have her placed into an assisted living where she can be on her own, but yet someone checks on her every day.  And sorry, but I don't think it would simplify your lives, you would soon (maybe) regret because she would feel now you are at her every beck and call every second, so you would still be worn down.  and it might start interfering with you and your hubby's "private time"........wishing you luck
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LittleOrchid Aug 2020
I really agree with you on everything here except for one point: do not even try to do a daily visit. It is nearly impossible to maintain. If it is as simple as stopping by after work a couple of times per week, it is a little easier to keep shopping for groceries, appointments, etc., on other days. Trying to keep up with a daily visit is just too much.
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Line up a list of people in her area after researching them, PACE, home health care, handyman, visiting physician, pharmacy, groceries, companion sitter/runner, transportation, church etc. and when she calls remind her to call them and all where mask and distance as much as possible. Give her a calendar with all their company names go to person and phone number and let her know you checked them out and you will call if possible right before they show to talk to them &/or her if necessary.
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