Mom doesn't want "her" (me) anywhere near her.
Been a while since I sought guidance. Mom, 88, vascular dementia, severe pulmonary hypertension, heart failure, severe macular degeneration. Myself and 3 sibs have been staying with her 24/7 in her 1 bedroom apartment. Thinks we moved her from her apartment into an identical one and wants an attorney to tell her it's all legal. Thinks there are at least two of each of us and that her real children have abandoned her. Recently kept goi g into the hall, knocking on neighbors doors, asking them to call police, call her daughter (me), cal. 911, etc. Finally came to a head on Saturday night, Sunday morning. My sister and I had her transported to the ED. She was admitted and social services consulted to begin the process of having her placed in a appropriate facility where she'll get the care she needs. At this point she has no clue where she is, who we are. All she wants is to get out of the hospital. I've beaten myself up over this decision, but in my heart I know it's best for Mom. Problem is, I'm PIA and now she is sooooo angry at me she doesn't want me around. Told the nurse when she was admitted that she had no idea who I was and wanted me out of her site. Nurses told my other sister I should probably not show up yesterday because all it would do is agitate her. I've spent the last 10 years trying to do the best for her. Have been her wheels, her eyes, her ears, her companion. Now she HATES me. Will likely hate me for the rest of her life. In the meantime, I have to make decisions for her. I'm trying my best to reconcile the situation, have gotten some sage advice ffrom family, have the support of my siblings, but have no idea how to heal my heart. Who else has gone through something similar? What coping mechanisms can you offer? Thanks in advance for your guidance.
But she IS telling the nurse "call my daughter". The UNBROKEN part of her brain trusts you. Hang on to that.
With proper care (she might have a UTI, need different psychiatric meds), we're going to hope she gets stable and recognizes you as the daughter she loves. Get her the help and treatment she needs first, and let's see what happens. Let us know how she (and you) are getting on.
Hoping the dementia unit is the right place for her.
Spoke with the doctor who will care for her in the facility yesterday afternoon. She believes she has had this dementia for many years, it is now very advanced and only now the worst manifestations are coming to light. Due to her shuffling, paranoia, constant hallucinations, she believes that this is advanced Lewey Body dementia. I felt a bit better after speaking with her. I saw Mom yesterday and it just makes me so sad for her. She must be terrified. But doc assured she doesn't have as much awareness as we perceive her to have. I hope and pray that this is indeed true and that she is called "home" to put an and to her suffering.
Thank you all for your support.
My mom is 93 and totally dependent upon me but since moving her to memory care 7 months ago she does turn on me but I know it's her frustration with being placed where she doesn't want to be - she accuses me of stealing her money and house and says I want her to die
We're in process of changing her anti-psychotic meds to help her agitation -
Let us know how it goes - there are many pour souls suffering - I had no idea until seeing it up close at her facility this year
God bless
Thanks for the support!
Years ago, my mom hated me for months. She hated me - accused me of everything. I was devastated. Someone told me not to talk to her for awhile. It was difficult, but I didn't speak to her for about 4 months. She forgot all about it and was pleasant with me again. It may seem extreme, but when she was angry with me; she wouldn't speak to me anyway.
Try to stay away for awhile and see if she forgets. Then make sure most of your visits are pleasant. Avoiding agitation is key. Make sure your visits are pleasurable and fun - avoid discussing anything that would upset her. I would wait until she transition into her new place.
I'm just throwing a few suggestions out there for food for thought, although it's probably much more complicated than the following suggestions can remedy, but they are both definitely worth looking into....
1) someone else has already suggested that your mom be tested for a UTI. UrinaryTract Infections in the elderly can wreak havoc in their mental health, and cause them to have bazaar behavior.
2) You are probably already aware how important proper hydration is in the elderly. It's crucial that your mom always be properly hydrated.(My aunt who was "totally with it" at nearly 100 years old, would lose the ability to speak English when she wasn't hydrated. After a few cups of water she'd be able to speak again, but it always scared her)
Staying on top of the above two things made a world of difference when I had loved ones in rehabs and nursing homes. I often wondered why I was the one to be cognizant of those two issues.
Best wishes, hang in there, and make sure that you take care of yourself, too.
I had to trick my mom (in stage 5 Alzheimer's) into going to a memory care unit. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt like I was the judge sentencing her to "life" in the nut house without the possibility of parole! I lied to her to get her in there but I spent the first night with her. She still had a bit of memory, so the next time I came, she went full speed and attacked me (I guess for putting her in there). The nurses had to pull her off me and I had nail marks in my skin. I took their advice and didn't call or visit for a month. I felt very guilty but leaving her alone really was the best decision I made. She forgot about it the next time I saw her. You have made a decision that NEEDED to be made, whether she likes it or approves of it or not.
My mother and I were never 'girlfriends'. She's a narcissist and resented me all my life, so I guess when she'd say she doesn't like me or that I'm mean to her and have abused her, I just ignore it. Put a wall around your heart and ignore the mean stuff. Blame it on her dementia. That's what it does to them. Believe in yourself, that you've done an excellent job and nobody could have done it better. If you believe in Heaven, we'll all see each other again in our 'normal' minds and personalities. Embrace the love that your friends and family members give you. Don't get depressed. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good at least once a week. Take someone with you when you visit her. Limit your visits to 1/2-1 hour to not tire either of you out. Hang in there, we're right beside you suffering the same stuff.
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