I need to go to work so I do not become homeless and my mother pitches a fit when I think of getting a job. Advice? - AgingCare.com

I need to go to work so I do not become homeless and my mother pitches a fit when I think of getting a job. Advice?

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I need to get a job. A part time job to supplement my social security benefits. I am broke every month. Problem, my mom seems to think I need to work no more than two days a week. I was thinking 20 hours a week. So what can I do? I know that I am probably going to be homeless once she passes if I do not get a job. And she does not understand this.Since she makes too much money and is not on mediaid It doesn't look like I can get paid for taking care of her.

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If you need to work, for cash, for benefits, to stay in the job market or for an overall balanced life, do it. The elderly can be child-like in their demands. You bear a double responsibility to take care of her and yourself.
Mom may not like it, but it has to be.
Remember when you did not really want to be dropped off at kindergarten, but it had to be. For most of us, our parents did not cave in to that unreasonable demand, the guilt was short lived because it was the right thing to do.
Mom's mental state may or may not allow her to accept the decision, it does not make it any less right.

Your responsibility is to ensure she has the level of care needed in your absence.

I loved my dad, I took care of him and visited every night, but I had to work, for him and for me. My income was a safety net for whatever he needed as well. He was happy to know my future retirement would be secure. I was lucky, that being a former workaholic, he never asked me to quit or slow down . I had years of building a career, at this stage of my tenure, there are plenty of 30 year olds that want my position, so slowing down is a dangerous option. Giving up my security and life's positioning would not have been reasonable. Funny thing is he lived vicariously, he would follow very closely the details of my business deals.

Most parents want to see there children educated and established, college, career, business, military, whatever the path. I sincerely believe most parents, if they are in there right mind as was my 92 yo dad would not want to unravel the fabric they helped their children to weave.

Best of luck to you,
L
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If the stages were reversed and you were a young mother with a child who "pitched a fit" about you going to work even though it was necessary to keep a roof over your head, what would you do?
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Your situation based on the posts on this site is all too common. It is a very serious situation and is only going to get worse as the boomers hit retirement and age. It is overwhelmingly a women's issue and as most other women's issues, the value on what we do and who we are are always second class. The caregiving we do is expected to be done for free and out of devotion or family responsibility. A NH can be paid 5 - 15K a month for room & board, but the at home caregiver cannot. The reason why NH are allowed to be sometimes less than ideal is because the residents are overwhelmingly women and can make do with less. The CCRC market with their nicer homes and full range of services is all geared to couples, then eventually the old widow woman can just be put in a NH somewhere. This is in the end a political issue so support those who understand the value of women and what we do. (No offense Captain but you and the other guys who post on this site are rare gems!!!)
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Sherry, this is not going to be easy but mom needs to be paying you for your caregiving. She has income….SS and perhaps retirement as well? She needs to realize that she is jeopardizing your future by what she is doing. Parents should want their kids - whether 16 or 60 - to have a secure & safe future.

Now a lot of this will depend on just how self-centered mom is. If she is an over the top narcissist, then all this is a waste of your time. Then it up to you to decide if you want to stay with no pay or get a job and move out (she is going to give yu grief on your not being at her beck & call). But maybe she just flat doesn't understand what things cost….things are just done for her, so cost has just not registered on her brain. If she is that type, then I'd suggest you contact 3 home health agencies to come to the house to do an estimate on caregiving for mom.
You say to them that you are going back to work and need a caregiver 3X a week or whatever. Then with the $$ clearly on paper, you negotiate with mom on her paying you for caregiving. You have to be able to go to the mat on this too.
Mom does a "personal services contract" to you and pays you and she issues a w-2 to you and you pay taxes (& build your SS credits) on this. I would also still look for a small part time job as well (so it's not 24/7 mom time). Doing the contract is critical because if in the future mom needs to apply for Medicaid, the $ she paid you will not be a transfer / gifting $ penalty issue.

The contract needs to be done by elder law attorney too and while there get them to update all your mom's legal. Like a codicil to her will on you named as beneficiary on the house. If you live in a state that allows for Lady Bird deed, you need to get that done so house is outside of probate. Also the $ paid to the attorney has to be paid for my mom from her checking account.

Your situation based on the posts on this site is all too common. It is a very serious situation and is only going to get worse as the boomers hit retirement and age. It is overwhelmingly a women's issue and as most other women's issues, the value on what we do and who we are are always second class. The caregiving we do is expected to be done for free and out of devotion or family responsibility. A NH can be paid 5 - 15K a month for room & board, but the at home caregiver cannot. The reason why NH are allowed to be sometimes less than ideal is because the residents are overwhelmingly women and can make do with less. The CCRC market with their nicer homes and full range of services is all geared to couples, then eventually the old widow woman can just be put in a NH somewhere. This is in the end a political issue so support those who understand the value of women and what we do. (No offense Captain but you and the other guys who post on this site are rare gems!!!)
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Sherry, you know exactly what you should do, so go ahead and do it. Sometimes we have to work around the old-age narcissism to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. One thing she could do if she does not want you to work outside is to pay you a wage. If she is not willing to do this, I don't see any option for you except to find a job. Sad thing is that many of our parents are not willing to pay, because we should be willing to donate our lives to them. (I am in that boat.)
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