I have noticed for a long time that my mom has slowly stopped caring about stuff that needs to be maintained for the safety and common courtesy of others around her. If I bring these things up, she gets ridiculously upset and breaks down crying like I'm judging her for everything she's doing.
She is also super sensitive about the things that I'm supposed to be letting out instead of keeping inside. I do this by the instructions of professionals and therapists that I talk to. I'm stuck in an endless loop that keeps an empty shell attached to me that was supposed to fully break off 5-10 years ago when I originally started therapy. I'm still carrying that shell around only because me successfully developing characteristics about my true self in therapy made her not recognize me at home anymore, and suddenly she was questioning things like what I was doing, if I was doing the right things medically, or if my therapist was good for me, when she never even encouraged therapy when I was a kid (she was always the "shut your mouth and do what I said because I'm your mother and I said so" while-whacking-you-with-the-hairbrush kind of mother, who stormed around the house thinking that was all effective discipline).
Today she is not the least bit stable, based off what I know stable is from when I was in therapy originally. But if I even approach that direction with her, the finger is pointed back at me - she'll go, "YOU'RE calling ME unstable?!? You won't even go to therapy!" when I'm in between people and support methods trying to find something that can handle my difficulties with her.
This next paragraph is all assumptions based on my observations: Her attitude and mindset is really only to go to therapy just so she can be recommending it to others and saying that she's doing it. I can tell nothing is sinking in because she tells me about how she mentions me and my problems to her therapist and how it upsets her. Her thoughts about everything seem to present themselves in a way like, "Since I'm doing it and I think that's the only way people can get help, you need to do it before I can think of you as a healthy person again. If I don't hear you say 'my therapist said this, my therapist said that,' or 'I have an appointment,' then you're not okay and I'm threatening to call the police the MOMENT you upset me." Severely entitled behavior that attempts to get me in trouble and her looking "better" when there is nothing to call for that.
I can tell something is not being incorporated into her actual routines outside her therapy sessions. I can tell she is still mentally ruminating on things that SHOULD be coming out and going to therapy, because she talks to me about them to try to solve them. It's kind of like she's only doing it herself to go, "see, i'm doing it, so you should too, and I'll invalidate every valid reason you have for not going until you do," while not using therapy correctly. She has asked me, "do you want to talk with my therapist when I'm meeting with them? Maybe it will help you." I had to refrain from getting angry.
At the same time, she carries this clingy energy that always has to be the excuse as to why she behaves the way she does. "I only ask you these things because I worry and care about you." I can't begin to say how much I have learned in life not to worry about things, solely because I visually see how her worrying about so much eats away at her physically. She is chronic with this though.
This is a lot, a rant, and is all over the place. It's also my first post here. I'm sure there will be more concrete and pointed questions later on. But right now I really feel like my future is hindered the longer I continue to live with her. I can't get away from home at the moment but that moved itself to priority number one several years ago, and I'm still working on a way to do it while continuing to avoid her pulling me all the way down.
If anyone has input or general suggestions I'd appreciate it-thank you!