My mother doesn't seem to know she has dementia. I believe she thinks I ignore her, when in reality she can't communicate. What do I do?

Sounds familiar. I live with my mother is 95 but not as far along in her dementia. I, too, have had to learn not to respond to everything. My observation is that most of what she says and does is aimed at getting attention and preferably a reaction which involves somebody else getting upset.

One day I realized that she thrives on conflict. I, on the other hand, suffer if I allow myself to be pulled into it. So then I contemplated the possibility that when this happens, she thrives at my expense. Perhaps it's an exaggeration to say she sucks the life out of me, but that's what it feels like.

So I'm working much harder now to just let her be. I may have quoted this before, but it's worth repeating. In a column in the Oprah magazine, Martha Beck advised: FREE YOURSELF FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE BY REFUSING TO TRY TO CONTROL THEM. This concept blew my mind. Now I see that by drawing me into situations where I would try and control her, my mother has been controlling me.

So, my experience tells me you are handling the situation with your mother perfectly. Her practice of repeating everything you say certainly justifies saying as little as possible. Maybe she can't help it, but from a functional standpoint, you are being abused. Benign detachment seems the best remedy for now. Perhaps you have alternatives for her care as she gets worse.

Meanwhile, you might want to consider having key-only locks installed on the outside doors. Mom not only opened doors to strangers, but unlocked them during the night. The day she gathered up some of her prized possessions and went out to stand at the end of the driveway, waiting for someone to pick her up, I got on the phone to the locksmith. It's a bother to wear a key around my neck at all times, but worth it for the peace of mind.

Blessings to you in this opportunity for personal growth. (At least that's how I look at it on the good days.)

@Gigi
Martha Beck advised: FREE YOURSELF FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE BY REFUSING TO TRY TO CONTROL THEM.

Wow. Yes. Powerful.

@merrtell
We have to remember that our mom's with dementia have a brain disease. They are trying to communicate to connect with us, even if it means repeating and mimicking what is said. I imagine the disease can be very lonely and frustrating for them... especially when they are trying to communicate a need and use the wrong words or lack the words... Pray to God for patience, wisdom and compassion.. I speak blessings over my Mom and pray over her regularly. Every time I do, she gets a big happy smile and looks so peaceful.

Perseverance is right. That's how I get through my days by asking every night for God to give me the patience for the next day. Sometimes I look at my mom, and can see the confusion in her face that she cant express. They are just trying to communicate the same as they did in the past.

Just wondering - might it help if yo just hug her more? It seems to soothe my mom

Perserverance, you warm my heart. I am caring for my 92 year old father who suffered a stroke and as a result has Aphasia. He has difficulty in conveying his thoughts to the correct words and I see the frustration in his face when he cannot express himself as he used to. I just listen and try to interpret what he means. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't. However, agreeing with him also reinforces that I am listening. Hugs and kisses do really comfort him. Praying for patience and understanding have been of great comfort to me. Thank you for your thoughts.

Sending you warm wishes for sanity. It is the same at our house. You have to let yourself ignore what she says some days, other days you smile and nod and still others you create a conversation out of what is available. It took me a few years to get to the point where I can zone out or change the situation before getting annoyed. I have given up scolding her for leaving a mess or other infractions, but sometimes I will ask her for assistance when rectifying the mess or say something like "please do me a favor and close the door" etc...
And the hugs do help, the oldsters do get touch deprived.

Sometime you have to repeat yourself 100 times aday. Dont get frustrated just imagine this '' being in a room full of people who speak a different language and needing help, with no way to communite your need'', I imagine this to center myself and put on music from the 20s thru 50s. My client would out of the blue remember the song that was playing and sing the whole song thru, I could see in his face he remember and was back in that era. As for the door issue for her not closing it , put a spring on it so it will close itself. As for her answering the door, if shes answering when shes by herself; get a medium poster board and write in big letters" PLEASE DO NOT KNOCK OR RING THE DOOR BELL. MOTHERS SICK AND SLEEPING. COME BACK WHEN YOU DON'T SEE THIS SIGN HANGING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING". If shes answering the door when your home add another lock way at the top so she cant open it.

I too am in the same situation, you need some time off just as a mental health day. My mother reads the same articles from the newspaper over and over and I just nod or say "really?" or some small answer. There are times I want to literally scream my head off because I can't stand it, so I go to my room for a while. I get one vacation a year and another sibling cares for her while I am gone, however this sibling does not feel that I should take any time off and does not want to be the caregiver, so then I take a mental and verbal beating from her which ticks me off. She can't handle it but she wants me to handle it 365 days a year, 24 hours a day!

Your Mom's anger is directed at you because you are the only person she has to vent at. This is all part of dementia but you may want to speak to her doctor and see if there is any medication that can make her easier to handle. I am at the point that if they cannot give my Mom anything, then they are going to have to give it to me because as you said it is crazy behavior and no matter what you do, it will never be right.

Just be assured you are not alone, so many of us are all in the same exact position as you are.

God Bless Us All as we try to care for our parents and remain sane in the process!

my mom doesnt acknowlege dementia either. otherwise shes always been very brilliant. one evening she had me rather frayed. she said everybody was telling her she was nuts. i couldnt avoid it that particular night, i told her you ARE effin nuts. the b***h is nuts. i cant sugarcoat that..i love her and relate to her but shes shes card carrying insane. nuts iz nutz iz nutz... whatthehelldoyouwantfromme?

lets just have some chicken salad and groove on our mutual insanity, ok? were good.. he he

Hang in there, Captain. I just got off the phone from Dad at 1:40 in the morning asking why I was late to pick him up. Did I not know he had a doctor appointment for 1:30 ? I explained that the appointment is at 08:30, it is dark outside because it is the middle of the night, and to please go to sleep. He was incredulous? What kind of crazy doctor would see people at 8:30 ? I again explained AM and PM and told him to try to get some sleep. Oh. Did I mention this is the 3rd night in a row that he has called after 1 AM ?
He is still in his house at 87. I fear those days will be gone soon.

We may be related to them, but when a person has dementia they're not really capable of a relationship, if they ever were. It's too late to resolve life-long issues. We have to look elsewhere for satisfaction and peace,ultimately inside ourselves.

I feel your pain...It's frustrating and sad at the same time...I too, just nod my head and say mmm, ah, ha, constantly... I am blamed for everything, even when I wasn't involved...But she is safe and loved in my home and that's all that counts...

I'm reading all of your experiences wishing I still had more time with my mom. I took care of her for 3 years when after a hospitilization for something unrelated EVERYONE ( her sister, my sister, the medical professionals etc) talked me into letting her go into a nursing home just for rehab. They met all her physical needs but mentally she declined rapidly. Whether it would have happened at the same speed if she were home we'll never know. What I wouldn't give for one more day, or one more minute to hug her and tell her how much she was loved. I remember the many times at night she would shuffle into my room to make sure I was there. Watch me rather than the TV. I remember how annoyed I would get. Now I realize she was just looking for reassurance. The same feeling she gave me hundreds and hundreds of times when the situation was reversed. After mom is gone the"what if's are heartbreaking!