My mum does NOTHING when im here BUT busy doing everything when family arrives? Is this an act for them?

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Can anyone tell me why my mum will sit on the settee all day and watch tv BUT when family are here shes busy pottering around doing things?? Is this an act for them? It drives me mad! shes COOKING NOW she hasnt cooked in 3yrs?? Ok she dosnt know what shes doing and I still have to keep an eye BUT so frustrating like im a liar?

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Kazza, it's me again, RebeccaJ. Oh, thank you for asking that. I thought I was the only one and it was driving me crazy. I'd tell my brother, niece and an ex-sister-in-law and others about Mother will not eat. Then, when they come to visit her they all say how good she ate. I wonder, do they think I'm lying or what. Plus they all talk about how good she was and she did this and that. Meanwhile, I try to get her to watch TV or listen to the radio, listen to books on tape or play cards or anything except sit and do nothing or lay on the couch and she won't do anything with me. But when they are there, she'll play cards or whatever they want.

I suggested 3 times, we go to the senior center just to see who is maybe there and for her to get stimulation -- her response, OMG, she doesn't need that and won't even think about going. I was immediately, totally shut down on the idea. But, then I tell my brother about it and ask him to suggest it to her and when he does, OMG, she's like: oh, that sounds great. Yes, I'd really like to go. I just sat there at the table and was dumbfounded.

I've decided she finds it very easy to say no to me because she sees me so much every day. While other people she doesn't see as often and she truly wants to please them. So, now when I want her to do something, I ask my brother to talk to her about it and she does it. Just like her eating -- which I had her to the doc today and she lost 7.5 pounds in 3 months and is down to 95. I tried telling her she must eat or they'd stick her in the hospital and put a needle in her arm. She didn't care. But let my brother come in and tell her and, dang, she eats. Unreal. So, I don't take it personally any more.

As to do people think I'm lying? Well, I'm tired of trying to figure or care about what others think. If they don't like what I'm going, then take my place.

However, and we've spoken about relationships with parents before. I have always had this problem with Mother taking me seriously. I never married, while my brothers have married and had children. Before she got in this shape, and I took longer and more breaks to Denver, I'd take her for groceries before I left, but yet I had 2 brothers here. Anyway. She'd shop like she would never get to a grocery store again. One time we had been at the grocery store so long and I'd finally gotten tired and said, Mother, why are you buying so much? The boys are here and can take you and help you if you need anything. She said to me: "Well, I hate to ask them to do anything because they have families and a life." -- as if I didn't have a life because I never married. Man, did that hurt. That was many years ago. So, now, I know she doesn't mean to say things that hurt me, she just sometimes doesn't think before she opens her mouth.

So, Kazza, in closing, I think it might be like with my Mother. You and I are easy to say no to because we are every day. But others who are not every day, they still want to please. While I know she totally appreciates what I do, she just doesn't understand how some of her words and actions, might hurt. We just have to learn to overlook it. They don't really intend to be mean to us. They just don't think about it. But thanks for the question, it really let me vent something I've wanted to vent for a while. Personally me, when before I get to this stage I hope I figure it out to move to Oregon or Washington, both of which have legal assisted suicide.
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Great so not me then!! I told my mum to relax today take it easy as she never stops!!!!!!!!!!! My Aunt laughed!
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My mom does this long-distance with my brother. To me she's not feeling good and wishing to die, but she'll never say that to my brother. I have tried to get him to ask her about it, just so he can hear it too, but he won't. So to him, "she sounds great" but I know what she's like the rest of the time. It is showboating, that's a great way to describe it.

My mom also does it at the doctor's office. We go for a specific reason and when the doctor asks her how she is, she's fine! So then I have to give the doc the true picture and he starts talking to me (instead of mom) and she gets mad at him for that. You can't win!! LOL!
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I can relate to this SO much. My mum has been "two faced" all her life but now that her short term memory is failing she is not so good at "the lie" anymore, so everyone is starting to see her true colours. You have to have a good memory in order to be a good liar .. the true person will always come out eventually!
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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this too. My mother-in-law did it for "company" too. She'd sit on her azz all day and night, but if company came - she was up and at 'em. Then as soon as they'd leave, she'd start griping about how tired she was, etc. I called it showboating. It's very frustrating, but I have no suggestions as to how to handle it except tell the company when she's out of hearing distance that she is only doing it for them because she usually does nothing. Good luck!!
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TYPICAL BEHAVIOR. They are just trying to 'prove' that they are OK.

Same thing as when they are crabby to us but to everyone else they are sweet as honey. Sort of a split personality thing. One person for us - one person for company.

My MIL will sit in her pj's - but when company is coming - her hair is done, best clothes on, perfume, make up - she looks like a million bucks. So, the family comes and goes and they say - Oh, Mom LOOKS SO GOOD - so glad she is doing so well.

Don't worry - your mum will be back on the settee in a short while :0) And I am SO GLAD my MIL does not cook anymore. She used to be a wonderful cook - but you can't cook and sit in the recliner at the same time. We have had some close calls with the smoke detector.
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