My Mom (78) had a severe stroke 2 months ago and does not want me to visit her in the place she is in. Any advice?

((((((((((Scott))))))))))) I am so sorry for this huge loss in your life. I hope you can gain some comfort from the fact that you were there and got her to hospital. As you say, she could have lain there for days if she had been alone. Strokes can really change people, depending on what part of the brain is damaged. Of course you love her and want to see her. Unfortunately, right now that is not possible. Asking us or anyone else to call, will not change that.

I am sure that your brother is arranging for your mother to be well cared for in a setting where she will not be alone, and where there will be trained staff to look after her. I hope that is some comfort to you too.

Meanwhile you have had contact with people who can help you find housing. That is great. Have you told the social worker that you have no one to talk to? There may be a group that you can join to help you feel less alone.

Being upset probably has affected your job performance, which has in turn affected how many days work you have been given. Could you find another part time job to help fill your time and bring in more money? It may help you get through the days. Some times it is one day at a time, even one hour at a time when you are going through something traumatic. Try to get back into a more normal routine - maybe just one thing like shopping or watching a TV program or whatever works for you. I don't know what your life was like before you moved in with your mother, but your life from now on will be as different as the change that happened when you moved in. Things happen and our lives change sooner or later, and we all cope with that, one way or another.

Praying for you, Scott, and asking for blessings in your life.

I think her mind is very clear. And she is at the end of her stay in the rehab center. There is a limit in how much time that medicare covers in that, as I've mentioned, and that was all that she had. 100 days. She was in the acute hosptial for a few days starting october 5th, and then was transferred over, so that's about 10 weeks now. SO there are only a couple of weeks left of therapy. Really, other than the way she said hello, she sounded very clear over the phone, as clear as a person who has had a stroke and can't move her left limbs can. I wish I had had more fun with her, and gone to movies and things. I remember her laughing so much at that sasha baron cohen movie. She had a wonderful laugh, and I am sorry to say it wasn't heard much in the last years. She was always so seroius, watching the news so closely. CNN and al jazeera she liked to watch.

She is almost finished there. But if I remember the social worker, she was saying her arm may never get better. That's what they said in the acute hospital too. Maybe she will be able to walk with great difficulty with a cane, and that's about it. Very very sad for my mother, very sad. I am so sad for her.

I just had the doorman in here. He was very drunk or something. I was supposed to go ride over there with him at 5 pm. he told me he already went to see her at 1. I would have just waiting downstairs. I so desperately want to see her before she leaves that place. Michael won't even tell me where it is, I haven't called him or spoken with him in a month.

I remember her playfully bumping something against my head. I was so keyed up all the time and depressed. That was the last thing like that I remember her doing. You would not believe the books she read and took out from the library. She never went to college but she was so smart.

I see there's a new post. So I'll end this.

Scott, I have no idea about this, but your mom could have developed vascular dementia from the stroke and not remember much very clearly, maybe not even be reasoning clearly right now. You really need to let her rest and heal. There is nothing that you two can do for each other right now. She needs to do therapy; you need to find housing and work. We are all very sorry for your sadness, pain and frustration. The only thing there is to do is move forward.

She said I have nothing to say to you. That's angry. She told me 3 months ago it was a lot my fault, her having the stroke. She didn't remember going to the hospital the night before for a suspected transient ischemic attack.

I am sorry she can't move her arm and is in a wheelchair. If I had not been here she would have lay there for days.

She's my mother and I love her.

How do you know about that? My mother's stroke has really had an effect on me, and everything else that is happening and is going to happen. The conversations with the social worker aren't really that helpful either. She says to me, you look sad. She is so young, maybe in her mid to late 20s. The session is so short, it doesn't really help me that much, nor does talking with the dr there.

My mother is almost certainly angry with me though I can't be sure, and she is just going along with what my brother wants. And my cousin has said she will call me back and she never does. Last night she did, but it was too late and I had already annoyed my aunt.

The worst thing happening of all things and they are all bad is being cut down on the work schedule at work. I don't know how to deal with this, calling everyday to see if I can come in. If I had performed better maybe I would have been one of those who wasn't cut.

Scott. With respect. You were mentally ill long before your mother's stroke, were you not. If I didn't know that you know perfectly well that that is a fact, I wouldn't be so blunt about it; but I'd be doing you no favours going along with that bit of self-deception.

Do I take it that you would be happier if your aunt and your remaining cousin did not block your calls? In that case, cut back radically on the number of times you call them. How do you think it feels to be called by the same person asking the same unanswerable questions time after time after time in one day? You will get on their nerves; and I repeat that you absolutely must not do this to an 82 year old lady. It is bang out of order. So if you don't want them to block your calls, stop calling them. If they say they will call you, they will. Leave them in peace.

You do, however, need someone to talk to. That person should have professional expertise, the skills to guide your thinking, and that means a counsellor or therapist. Speak to your caseworker or to the clinic and ask for one.

I cannot possibly know, but I suspect that you are wrong to think that your mother is angry with you. I think it is much more likely that she is trying to be firm, both because she needs to be and because she has been persuaded, rightly in my view, that it is in YOUR best interests if she separates from you.

I don't agree, either, that it is at all probable that you will "never see your mother again." Not now you won't, certainly, and not soon. But if you sort yourself out, and she has a chance to recover, who knows what else may change? No one is setting out to be cruel to you. Everyone you have described is putting your mother first, but also focusing on your future, and the need for you to be able to cope independently. I know it's hard, but it's reality. It takes some getting used to.

Going to see the housing people was a good move, but perhaps it's taken you out of your comfort zone a little? Try not to crawl back inside. Tell us about what happened at your interview.

At least if I were working I wouldn't have to think about this so much. I think this situation has contributed to my schedule being downgraded. It was so hard getting through the day, but at least I had a job.

Being so upset affected me really bad. I went in so late every day, I would have to post here before and after going to work. Remember I used to say this is making me mentally ill? Being so upset all the time. I haven't read a newspaper or tv show or listened to a radio or had any exercise or hardly gone out at all other than to work and the supermarket for 3 months. I used to go in 2 hours late and leave early, I was so upset all the time. I had to rush home and start making calls, and I had the cell phone at work and just kept on trying to call all day.

This is why I originally gave the number at the hospital and asked if anyone here would call for me. It made me feel even a little bit better to talk to the nurse, to listen to her tell me mom was at therapy or in the dining area.

I am sorry I was just so upset after she took the call yesterday and said I have nothing to say to you. She never spoke like or sounded like that before. I have no one else to talk to. My mother doesn't want to talk to me because of my brother. And she's angry with with me. Doesn't even give me a chance to speak. Not even a chance. My cousin told me weeks ago she was going to visit and say something about me and she never did. My aunt would have gone with her.

I can call myself. I called on thanksgiving and she said hello, happy thanksgiving. Now she was very upset. I think that she is very depressed. She had already been taking medication for depression. Now she is handicapped. It is truly terrible. She was very active and now this.

2 cousins gave their numbers in the hospital when I first went in, and the other one has my phone number blocked. If my aunt and other cousin do that then I will never have even a chance of seeing my mother again. I don't know what else to do. Really don't. She has a hard time answering the telephone still. I don't know what's going on with her really. My aunt said she would call next week, it's just that I wanted her to call sooner.

I don't know what to do now. She'll leave there in under 2 weeks. I won't know where she is. No one would even call. And now it's too late. How long have I been on this forum? 2 weeks now. My mother sounded very different yesterday. Her speech sounded normal. I was afraid she had lost something, she hasn't. It is all with her left side paralysis. She can't move her arm at all. The social worker said she was getting a brace. I don't know if that means she'll be able to get out of the chair. I don't know what else to do.

I thought everyone heree would know that medicare only covers 100 days in a skilled nursing facility. And not at all what they call a custodial nursing home. That is only covered by medicaid. I think my aunt said at one point that my brother was going to move her to a nursing home outside of nyc close to where he lives.

my brother just took that court order and gave it to the hospital. They all think that it is a stay away" order, and it is not. I don't have to stay away from her. I don't know what to do, not at all. My mother is disabled from stroke, she won't see or even talk to me. She said i can't talk to you. All they know is what my brother told them, that I am supposed to stay away from her.

Scott, do you want to wind up with restraining orders against you by your cousin and your aunt and the apartment super and who knows who else? STOP calling people to ask them to call your mother for you. Just stop it. It does you no good.

Ugh, groan, bashing my head on the desk…

Scott do not call your 82 year old aunt and give the poor old lady a hard time. Do not do this. It is mean, it is unreasonable, your cousin has every right to be furious about it and you must stop doing it. Do not do things that you KNOW will not help and you KNOW are not right.

She is not scared. She went back to the family court to have the order of protection changed so I could come back home. Otherwise the hospital would not have let me out so soon. The wording was changed so it no longer said I had to stay away from her. We never went back to have it removed though.

I can't even talk about this. It's because of my brother, that's a big part of it. My cousin got ver upset over the phone last night. I kept calling my aunt who is 82 asking her to call my mother for me. I asked my cousin too and she said she wouldn't.

Scott, you mentioned a few posts back that you had an episode a few months back where you ended up in the hospital and your mother had a restraining order against you? It's possible she's still somewhat scarred from that incident, and although it may have been no big deal to you, it may have scared her terribly. Could that be why she's not taking your calls?

In your place, I would concentrate on moving forward with housing and employment. Once you are stable and in a better place mentally and emotionally , you can request that your brother let you see mom.

So glad you are working on the housing thing. What you need to do now is get some boxes and pack things. Label each box for the room it came from "bath" "kitchen" bedroom" et cetera. Makes unpacking easier. Make Mom proud of you by taking charge of your move.

I am so glad that you are moving forward with the caseworker on the housing. Tell us about that.

Scott, you're going to get the staff at that facility into serious trouble. Every time one of them, not understanding the rules, hands the phone to your mother when you call, that person's job is at risk because they are not allowed to do it. You really have to stop doing that, it's not fair.

I expect your mother understands that you have to move on, and that she has to discourage you from calling so that you focus instead on becoming independent. It's necessary. She needs all her energy to work on her rehab, and she's not going to be able to look after you any more. So the best and fairest thing for her to do is withdraw from you, not because she's happy about it but because there isn't any alternative. It's all she can do to help you right now.

So what happened when you went with your caseworker to the housing interview? What did they have to offer you? It would be good to have a place of your own where you won't have to worry about being evicted. Did you get to look round any of the housing? I'd be interested to hear about it.

Scott I'm so pleased for your sake that you made contact with the case worker and are moving forward with housing! That's huge! Happy Hannukah to you to!

Yes I saw the caseworker he drove me to the interview with the housing contractor. Ok mom will be leaving that facility in under 2 weeks time, I called the social worker. She will be gone and I won't even know where she is. I won't even be able to think about talking with her. I don't know what to do now, I really don't know what to do. I want to call her, I want to see her, I want to speak with her at the very minimum. Someone could have called, I had someone at work call and she told the nurse she ddin't know him, someone here could have done that too, it wouldn't have hurt anything.

There was a dead mouse in here last night, really smelled bad, I didn't find it until today. Also I damaged another car at that job. Really not so great in the manager's eyes.

What am I going to do? I won't even know where she is. I don't know where she's going. The social worker said they are making a brace for her leg and her arm and hand are not functioning. It's horrible, really horrible. She has to call me for Hannukah, she always wished me a happy hanukah and christmas.

well i called just now and someone put her on and she said i can't talk to you and i have nothing to say to you and told them to hang up. she will only be there for a few more days. i tried calling back and the nurse hung up on me when i said can i speak to my mother. she sounded much better but i never heard her sound like that to me she sounded like another person.

We all are obviously very much concerned for you. Please let us know what is going on. We care.

Scott, did you talk to your case worker today? What is going on for you?

Scott, please return your caseworker's call first thing tomorrow and listen to what is being said. You need some help in making arrangements for someplace safe to live NOW. As Jeanne said, Medicare maybe payments may be about to stop but that in no way means that your mother is coming home. She will either stay there as a private pay patient until her resources run out and Medicaid kicks in, or she'll be moved yo another facility for long-term care, private pay and then Medicaid. In either event, it requires that the apartment, as it is you mom's asset, be sold to provide money for your care. Your brother's duty, as poa is to take care of your mom's finances and protect her health. Your job is to take care of yourself. Your brother seems to be doing his job; how about you start doing yours!

Scott, Medicare may no longer pay for her stay where she is after a certain number of days, but then some other arrangement has to be made to pay for her care. For example, her apartment will have to be sold along with any other assets she may have, and when that money runs out then she'll have to apply for Medicaid (which I assume your brother will handle.) She will need all of her income to take care of herself.

YOUR MOTHER IS NOT GOING BACK TO THE APARTMENT.

That is why your brother is telling you that you have to make other arrangements. Believe him. You really will be forced to leave, whether you want to or not.

This is sad. It is scary. It is probably too much for you to handle on your own, while you are also dealing with your grief over your mother. You deserve help.

Call your case worker. Get the ball rolling on finding another place to live.

Scott, the scary thing is that she no longer wants to speak with you. Why would that be?

Eons ago I called my mom from a drug store to buy her an alarm clock and she sounded drunk. She never drank alcohol. Eventually, it set the ball rolling as far as me dealing with my sister as best as possible. Listen to Pam, she has wisdom and can help.

that is "Look after your own needs."

Scott, you still need to arrange housing etc. for yourself. You will not be able to live with your mother any more. Looking your own needs. Your brother and the medical system are looking after your mother. Contact your caseworker.

Ye-es. So she'll be out of there. And then? What are you thinking, Scott? Because I hope it's not that everything will go back to how it was. It just can't. You need to concentrate on getting yourself sorted out.

Medicare only pays for 100 days. She'll be out of there in 2 weeks.

Scott, listen to Jeanne. You need to return your case worker's call so that you can get into some kind of housing before an eviction takes place. You don't want to be out on the cold streets of New York City this time of year, do you?

I understand that you care deeply about your mother, but the most caring thing you can do right now is learn how to take care of yourself. Be well!

Scott. Call your caseworker. I don't know if you can get a hold of him over the weekend, but if not, do it first thing Monday morning.

You NEED a place to live. Your mother is not going back to live in her apartment. It has to be sold to pay for her care. You must move out. The sheriff will really evict you.

You NEED a place to live.

Call the case worker who can help you with this.

One thing at a time. The most important thing that you can do something about right now is find housing.

Scott, I feel for you and your situation. Your life as you knew it has been totally turned upside-down. I am not going to criticize you and after reading through all the posts it is clear no one here has done that, either. I can tell you that I suffer with depression. I am 57 years old. I have two sons in their 30's and neither of them function all that well. My youngest is forever playing the guilt card on me and has severe anger issues. My own health suffers even more when he does this. It seems not to matter when I tell either of them that I myself am struggling and simply cannot deal with their problems as it puts additional stress on me. From what I can gather from the posts here your behavior may be hindering your mom's recovery. I understand your emotions & depression but really your actions are obviously getting negative responses from your brother, etc. If you really love your mother then you should be more concerned about modifying your behavior. That is the best thing you can do for her. Please get the help you need in order to help yourself do that. I know all about the fear of homelessness and all the rest. It is not that I do not understand. But I also know very well the effect of having my children constantly looking to me for their welfare & upkeep.