My Mom (78) had a severe stroke 2 months ago and does not want me to visit her in the place she is in. Any advice?

I can't believe it. The doorman who lives in the building went over to the nursing home again on Monday and didn't tell me. I wanted to go over there with him, maybe I could have waited in the lobby and he could have used his cell phone so I could have talked to her.

Well I went downstair to his apartment; he lives right below this one. His wife answered. My brother has a lot to do with why my mother won't see me. I really think that. It's very hard to understand the neighbor's speech; they are from Guyana, it's just hard for me to understand everything they say.

I bought a card, and there is a flower shop right near the subway stop near here. I could go over to the hospital; it takes about a half hour, not long, and then a walk.

The doorman said that she is very busy this week with therapy. Can you tell? I have no friends, no family, no one to talk to. My mother was my only family.

It is pouring rain out, I had to come back as I didn't even bring an umbrella. I walk around in a daze.

The doorman's wife answered the door. I ran into him in the elevator as I was going down before to get a card and a gift. I liked the flowers better; all the gifts I saw at CVS were all for Christmas.

She said my mother said I need to get help. That's what my mother said over the phone to me too. What can I do? I go to the clinic, and the nurse practitioner doesn't even say why she wants me to take the medication. Or why she has said that I have severe problems. I never told her anything, or acted out in any way or told her of any time I did.

Well, I could just go over the with the flowers. I made out the card. I am so worried about money all the time. So very worried. I don't know what will happen. Some posters talked about my finding a room to live in. I have been saving money from my job, and trying not to spend a lot, even on food.

Now maybe someone can understand why I put my mother's telephone number in a post and asked someone to please try calling her for me. I just can't take what is happening, what has happened. I am glad my mother is getting therapy and improving, even a little. And that she is so busy with it. But I just can't take this not talking to her.

I can't believe its only been 5 days since I first posted in this forum. I haven't seen my mother in a month and a half. I think I wrote the first letter in the beginning of November, and never sent it. One I sent, or went over and gave it to the guy at the desk downstairs.

5 days and almost 60 posts. Nothing I see on the internet really tells me what I want to know about my mother's stroke. I keep going over the same sites. Sending email to the Samaritans. They have someone different answering it every time. Everyone goes by the pseduonym Jo. They are all volunteers.

The social worker at first really didn't want to talk about my being able to visit my mother. let's not go there, she said. I don't remember, I was pretty upset about the way that she was talking, just not coming out and telling me that I could see her.

It's so depressing for me to go out to the drugstores and supermarket around my mother's building that she used to go to. The park across the street we used to go and sit in.

I was looking at the letter I was typing in when I took that prozac. I wrote how for many years I sat here at the computer and she sat on the couch watching tv. The speaker was broken and she had to use a headphone, sitting really close. It's just so sad, we used to talk so much now she is not here.

Ok, thank you all for your responses, once again. I have absolutely no idea what to get as a gift, or a card to bring over.

I would also like to go over there today to the nursing home and drop off a card or a letter. I've written or started so many. I mean really a lot, for 2 months. I don't know what to say, or if she even read the one I dropped off when she first wouldn't allow me over there to see her. This is a terrible thing that has happened. That was how I put it in an email I wrote to the Samaritans, the first one. A terrible thing has happened.

Maybe I could drop off some flowers. Usually people who bring flowers bring them up to the person themselves, though. I won't even know if she will get anything I bring over there. Someone made several suggestions, such as a shawl or a plant.

I don't know what else to put down. I think about how this could have been prevented. She should have been using a walker. Even a wheelchair. I could have moved her around. She didn't even use a cane.

I wish I could understand better what my mother is going through. I've been doing this for 8 weeks. on the day that I am not working I don't go out, I just sit at this computer and type message after message to the samaritans, or do google searches for things to do with stroke. The social worker termed my mother's stroke as severe. The only website I've seen with a forum with a lot of posts about people who have had strokes with loss of movement like my mother's is stroke talk, which is from the uk.

Or I could type in another letter that I will never send my mother. Or one that if dropped off will never be read.

No, the incident with the prozac was two weeks ago. I went to the hospital and told them there was no suicide attempt. What would make me feel better? Just to talk to my mother, even for a short time. Thank you for your concern, all.

The social worker said my mother's movement in her arm may never return. And that she is in a wheelchair, but that is how they get patients around in the nursing home. Someone said they were familiar with Trump Pavilion. Maybe you are in Queens. I really wish I knew someone who could go over there and talk to her, someone other than the person who went over there for me that time.

The social worker also said my mother is going to need help. She didn't use the word disabled, but I think that is what she was talking about. Her left side is down, I think she said, maybe my hearing problem made me mishear that. She talked a little bit about stroke, about left side stroke and right side. Things I already knew.

Scott, what would you like to happen? What would make you feel better right now?

Moderator, we have a poster here who appears to be having an emergency.

Scott if you're not going to go to your clinic to request help with your anxiety and panic, please call 911 or go to the nearest ER.

My friend takes drugs. I just don't have any other friends.

I don't think she sleeps much during the day anymore. She has therapy twice a day, morning and afternoon, and activities and meals. They always used to tell me she's downstairs getting therapy, she's in the dining area. Or if she is participating in activities.

The social worker was out for a few days. Maybe she could help me, to find out if my mother might want to speak with me. She is kind of hard to get in touch with, and I don't know what to say if I leave a message.

I can't believe there have already been 50 posts here.

I just now called the social worker at the nursing home. She talked to me for a little while about my mother's progress, and about her not wanting to see me or talk to me. I can't take this. She has progressed, and is walking a little bit with a quad cane and with something else, which I didn't know. She also has a copy of an order of protection my mother had, which says that I am not to harass her.

She said my mother was in therapy right now. I asked her to mention to my mother that I had requested that she call me; she said she will call when she is ready , that she has a telephone in her room that she can use. She also mentioned that I had sent a friend over there, someone I know, he's not really a friend, I really don't have any friends, and that she became hysterical.

The therapist doesn't help me at all. The clinic doesn't help me either. I took a lot of prozac at one point and went over there, and the social worker called 911. I left before they arrived.

Thank you for all your responses. I am very very upset. I appreciate this contact. It is my only human contact. I haven't been alone like this for 17 years. And it's going to be for the rest of my life.

Scott, the people looking after your mother are putting her first. She needs complete rest. That means not worrying about you, and that's why they are not allowing you to visit her.

It is not true to say that you are prevented from speaking to her. You spoke to her on Thursday, just five days ago. The point is, though, that she cannot manage frequent phone calls. She is exhausted and needs to rest. You must allow her to rest.

Suppose you knew your mother was sleeping. Would you wake her up because you wanted to talk to her? Perhaps you would, but it isn't a kind thing to do. Now that she is ill, it isn't just unkind, it is actually bad for her if you keep disturbing her. You have to stop doing that.

You also need to stop trying to guess what will happen in the future. Just as everyone else has to, you will have to wait and see how well she recovers from her serious stroke. Until then you can help her best by working hard to get yourself well. When will you next be going to the clinic?

Scott, call your clinic and get your housing issue solved first.

I tried the phone number I thought was out of service. I just happened to try it. I thought she had the phone in her room disconnected. The phone is right by her bed.

I thought it was disconnected but I tried it anyway.

I am frantic in my need to talk to my mother again. She did talk to me on Thursday. Please someone help me get through to her. What she said to me was strange. She said happy thanksgiving, then she said I am Ok, and then she said I can't see you. She didn't give me a chance to say anything at all. But she said hello, she sounded a little bit like her old self.

How can they prevent a son from seeing his own mother in the hospital? Or at leas t talking with her over the telephone? For 2 months? I don't know how much longer she will be in the place that she is. The guy in the building who visits her said 6 more weeks, but I can't be sure. I am afraid that when she leaves my brother will take her away and I won't know where she is. I won't know, I won't even be able to think about calling her or trying to see her.

Scott, please contact the mental health clinic that you attend and explain to them that you will be homeless within one month due to your mom's stroke. That is your assignment for today.

Scott, you did not happen to try calling your mother tonight by chance. That was a deliberate decision you made. I don't think it was a good one.It wasn't "by chance" -- it was by your choice. You have received many responses on this forum from people who would genuinely like to help you. All of us advise you to stop trying to call your mother. Some of us think it would be OK to send her a card ... not necessarily a "get well" card but just a cheery note you can sign Love, Scott.

You have been looking for information about strokes. Why? There is nothing you can do to change your mother's condition. From talking to others who have visited her you know that she is paralyzed. She is very sick. She may slowly improve or she may not improve. Only time will tell. Learning more about strokes will not change her particular situation.

As POA and medical proxy, your brother has the right and responsibility to make decisions on your mother's behalf. That is the way it is. At least for right now, he has decided that you should not be given access to her. Please, please stop trying to call her. Is this hard on you? Oh my, I would certainly think so! And I am sorry you are suffering. Continuing to call will not end your suffering and may make matters worse.

You NEED to take care of yourself. You need to talk to a social worker. You need to get help for your mental health issues. You deserve a less stressful life. You deserve to live in peace. Please seek and accept the help available to you.

Find a new place to live. Your brother is selling the apartment (POA gives him authority to do this) and you must leave. If you don't leave in a timely manner a sheriff will remove your belongings and lock you out. I am sorry that that is the way it works, but it is. The money from the sale is needed for your mother's care.

PLEASE take steps to be sure you will not be homeless when the time comes that you have to be out. Talking to a social worker may be a good first step in figuring out what is available.

You only get to see your psychiatrist for 20 minutes, and the doctor only talks about your drugs. Psychiatrists are medication managers. That is what they do. It sounds to me like you need a psychiatrist (and need to follow the drug plan worked out for you) AND ALSO a therapist to talk to about your current life stresses. Your psychiatrist will be able to arrange that for you.

We are on your side. We want you to stop calling your mother, which isn't doing any good, and start focusing on taking care of your own needs.

I really hope that on your next post you will tell us you have an appointment with a case worker or a therapist or both.

Did you speak to your brother when he picked up the phone, Scott? What did you or he say?

I am on this board because I have no one to talk to. Did you know that stroke only has 40 cases per 1000 individuals over 85? By chance I happened to try calling my mother tonight on the bus home. My brother answered. Only a month to go.

I actually know a lot about mental health inpatient care. First you go to a regular er. then you are examined and if deemed a danger to yourself or others then you go to a psych er for evaluation for 72 hours. then you can be admitted to the hosptal as an inpatient for up to 15 days. at that point something called a 2 doctor certificate is needed and then they can keep you for up to 2 months. after that they have to go to court and they can keep you for I'm not sure how long after that, but they can keep going to court and keep you.

I have been emailing samaritans every day for 2 months. sometimes many times a day. they get back in 12 hours.

it's wrong for my brother to keep me from talking to my mother. I don't care if i upset her in the past. that was 2 months ago. when she is discharged in i don't know how long, he will move her to another place i won't know. they won't tell me at the hospital, they won't even tell me how she is doing. i wouldn't even be notified in the event of an emergency. i'm not listed on the information page, so no medical information is allowed me.

I gave the number and asked someone to help me. Why is my brother allowed to see her every week for 8 weeks, and I can't even say a word to her? I'm selling the apartment, go talk to a social worker?

Hi Scott - hope your day went well and if you followed Veronica's good advice, you got some help. You are bound to be very upset considering all that has happened and the changes that are looming.

The people who post here, on the whole, want to share their experiences and help others. Many of us do spend a lot of time here sharing what is happening in our lives, as you have been doing. Most of us are caregiving one or more parents or other oldsters. There is lots of information on the internet about strokes and paralysis. The Samaritans are a good group to reach out to if you are feeling overwhelmed/suicidal. They have a 24 hour crisis hotline in NYC you can call - (212) 673-3000

"getting crazy" - yeah, certainly being very anxious and upset which is to be expected when your parent has a stroke and you are going to be turfed out of your home. You mentioned going to a clinic. It might be an idea to go back there and tell them about your situation. I am sorry the meds don't help you. Have they suggested some alternatives to try? I agree that your exact diagnosis is not a big issue at present, but rather that you get what you need to help yourself with your present issues.

Sounds like your brother is dealing with the collectors etc. He is doing what he has to do. Have you given any thought to what you will do, if, as V suggests, you come home and find the locks changed? I think this may be your most immediate concern.

Please do look into housing for yourself - and do it soon - like ASAP. No one wants to see you out on the street with nowhere to go. Let us know how you are doing and what progress you are making. I know your mother would be happy to hear that you have found a job and a place for yourself.

Take care

Scott frequent posters are not moderators, they are just people with a lot of experience taking care of their loved ones, plus a few professionals who have cared for patients and in adition are caring for loved ones.
There are certainly people here whose loved ones have suffered a stroke but really will not have different solutions to offer you. there are also people here whose loved ones may be totally paralysed from other diseases and may not be able to talk, breath or eat without medical aid.
Right now you are having an extreme reaction to your mother's stroke so get help. You know where to go. The exact diagnosis of your mental condition is not important at this point and we don't need to discuss that. We understand that you are overwhelmed and can not cope alone. Your brother is not concerned with your welfare and will evict you. I don't know how much notice you will get but the worst scenario is that you will come home from work and find the locks changed if you don't find somewhere else yourself. As someone said you can take action yourself or go to a homeless shelter.You will have to line up early to get a bed in the winter weather. You do not even have a car to sleep in. Your top priority is to find somewhere to live, and get some mental health treatment. your mother has been taking care of you all these years and now she can't and never will be able to again.
You are barely functioning. You are talking to the Samaritans, are you considering suicide? That is reason enough to request in patient mental health care. When you are stable you can be helped with somewhere to live. What would you do if you too had a stroke? You would call 911 for an ambulance and let professions take care of you. you have something just as serious which is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of so don't add to your mother's distress by doing something stupid. She does not need you at her bedside right now crying for her to help you, she has to fight to just stay alive right now. No one can help you if you don't ask people who can offer help. We can only advise so go to it Scott it is Monday morning. Go to the hospital or go and wait in line at social services, it won't be easy and you may miss work today so call in sick but please do something. You may not be treated kindly at first and the wait maybe long so take a snack with you and something to read but it is the only way to get the ball rolling. Come back tomorrow and tell us what you have done. You mother will be very proud to know you have taken responsibility for your own welfare. You can write to her and tell her what you have done.

Also, to the poster who seemed familiar with Trump Pavilion, are you from Queens? And is this site for caregivers, or the people being cared for, or both?

I just realized somethingelse. The phone here has not been ringing, not even debt collectors, and my mother was in debt. My brother who collected the mail wrote letters telling all the collectors and everyone else that she doesn't live here anymore. I come home every day expecting some kind of message on the phone and there is none.

In fact I know he wrote letters, the dentist called, and the receptionist my mother was friendly with told me.

No one here has any experience with someone having a stroke and having half body paralysis like my mother? I wish I could talk to someone who had relatable experience like that.

Hello again, I read through one of the above posts and I just had to say that I did not get angry with my mother. I was very anxious, and she got upset that I was asking her about something. I am sorry for that. And I don't know if I have schizophrenia. It was never really made clear to me at the clinic I go to why they still have that diagnosis. I asked the nurse practitioner why she wanted to prescribe the antipsychotic med and she said it was based on your past history.

What about now? Maybe I am getting crazy from my mother having had a stroke and being paralyzed , there, I said it, she is paralyzed, and any other problems she may have, and the apartment being sold. Yes, I think I am.

Several people here have repeatedly responded, and I have seen their responses to other questions as well. I haven't really gone through all of them, but you seem to want to help people with problems such as mine. Are you moderators here? You seem to spend a lot of time on this forum. Which is good for me. I have also been sending a lot of email to a group called the Samaritans.

Hello, I am very upset still that I can't talk to my mother. She seemed happy to hear from me when I spoke with her on Thursday. Just for a moment, she did seem happy to hear from me. This is really bothering me and I can't think of anything else.

Scott, I think part of what you are doing here is writing out your feelings and working them through. You are obviously, to me anyway, a bright man and quite articulate. You are also receiving a variety of ideas/advice how to and how not to proceed.

I am concerned that your mother's sudden illness may interact negatively with your schizophrenia. You are under a huge amount of stress, and suffering major losses - viewing your mother succumb to a stroke, and feeling guilty that you didn't take all the right steps, (I hear you blaming yourself), then a little contact with your mum when you got angry and seeing her very ill and hurting and now wanting to make that right, then no contact with your mother, also you are on the edge of losing your home, you have no other support in terms of friends, you are not taking any meds, and as far as I can tell do not belong to any support group, though you are interacting here.

Veronica suggested that you go to an outpatient psychiatric department for help. I would think some sort of professional help as a support is a good idea for you at this time. Someone suggested that a mental health housing could be a stepping stone to what you really want. That would seem to make sense. I suppose there is always a men's shelter if it comes to that, but I suspect that mental health housing would be preferable.

I see that you have heeded at least some of what is being written here - you are recognising that you will not be able to speak to your mother on the phone at present and that asking people to call was inappropriate. Good.

Scott, I know what it is like to have a family member you love taken from you suddenly, and have no contact. It is very painful. I do know the anxiety/stress you are experiencing. It is normal to feel guilt about not having done enough or the right thing at these times. Please try to let go of that. What happened is not your fault. That you have schizophrenia is not your fault You are grieving the losses - your lifestyle, contact with your mother, your home of the past number of years and facing an uncertain future as regards, her welfare, being able to have any contact with her again, a home for yourself, companionship and, I am sure, more. Your mother is very ill and very likely will not get much better. Yes, your life as it was is over.

As much as many things are not your fault, e.g. loss of your home, your mother's illness, your illness, that does not mean you do not bear any responsibilities. We are concerned about you taking steps to look after yourself.

The best gift you can give your mother is not cards or phone calls, but to take good care of you. I suspect she is quite concerned about you, as you are about her. Taking the steps necessary to become self supporting, as you have already started doing, is what most parents want for their children. She will rest easier if she knows you are looking after you. It will reduce her stress.

Thanks for being so open in sharing what you are going through. (((((hugs)))))

Scott, we have told you everything you need to know about a stroke; it's an injury to the brain caused by lack of blood supply. Therapy may help somewhat, but at your mom's age, a full recovery ( back to living in her apartment, being your companion) is not to be expected. I believe that's what your brother is attempting to convey to you.

Scott, you need to move on and figure out to take care of yourself. Like Jessie, I don't think it would be useful to respond to you any longer. You don't seem to be understanding what we are telling you, which is to look forward and not back.

Scott, I have a feeling that people are upset with you because you won't take the stress off your mother. This is about her and not about you. Please honor her request not to contact her. I am starting to sound like a broken record, so I won't write anything else.

Thank you for these replies. It's hard going to work now, thinking about my mother constantly the way I have been for almost 2 months. I have not read a newspaper or listened to the radio, or done anything except sleep and go to work. I have not spoken to anyone; I have no friends, and my mother was my only human contact. I did work, and have worked in the past and given her money. Especially over the last 2 or 3 years, I have been trying very very hard to find work, and applying everywhere. You don't just "check yourself in" to an inpatient facility, also.

I really miss her, though. None of her relatives even seem to want to talk to me, and one had my phone blocked so I can't call. My brother has said he is putting me out. It's over, he said.

No one here seems to know that much about stroke, though. I have spent 2 months looking for things on the internet about stroke. There is not much about severe stroke, other than academic studies. I looked at a site for the Stroke Help Association and they had a survivor on that page that seemed similar to my mother, who can't move her arm and can't walk, but she was only 37 years old.

I also don't know why she is seeing a psychiatrist. She told me in the ER that she was very depressed. That seems so long ago now.

So I am going to work again, all upset thinking about my mother. Well maybe I could call the hospital and just ask how she's doing today. Even that would make me feel better.

Scott, please listen to Jessie. Any get well card is fine. She may never get "better" if by better you mean "return to the way she was so she can take care of me".

So you have two choices. Either figure out how to take care of yourself, which means a job, perhaps short term supportive housing and a support group, perhaps a self advocacy group for people with mental illness. Or if you really require someone to care for you you may need to check yourself into an inpatient psychiatric facility and have them find you a housing situation with full time supervision. But you need to understand that things are NEVER going to go back to the way they were, living with your mom on her SS. Your mother needs longterm care and her apartment must be sold and her SS used to fund that care.

You need to move forward, one way or another. You will decrease her stress by demonstrating that you can get your own needs met. Be strong!

Scott, your mother needs you to leave her in peace right now so she can get better. The last thing she needs is to worry about you. My only advice would be to continue your job and move into the new facility. If your mother gets better she will let you know when it is okay to visit or call. Keeping after her will just cause her stress -- something she doesn't need right now. These things happen in life and we just have to carry on.

I told the nurse practitioner that I don't want to take the medication because it doesn't help me. I am not violent or aggressive. She does not talk at all about what has happened to my mother. My mother used to go over there to the clinic with me. We did everything together, went out together almost every day. I am going crazy from this, from not being allowed to see my mother and not even speak with her, not to mention that she had a really bad stroke and can't move the left side of her body. It was a really bad stroke and she is in pain as well. I don't know what cognitive problems she has; my brother mentioned that she has been seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital. I think someone also said she has started going to church there at the hospital.

I could get her a card, in fact I have one I was going to give her when I was still visiting her. It's hard picking out a card for someone of her age who has had a really bad stroke. She may never get better.

I never expected anything like this to happen at all. My grandmother on my father's side lived to be 98; she lived in her own apartment I think until she was 94 or 95.

Also I think that mental health housing is very different from living where I've been living. And I don't know if it is appropriate for me.

I also still think I should have done something. I was in a stroke unit that day, there were posters about stroke. Why didn't they have something about the FAST protocol? I was right there in the stroke unit. She was still ok. I was embarressed to call 911 again. I should have called much earlier then she would have been able to get medication that would have helped her. It reverses the symptoms of stroke if given within 3 hours.

She also thinks that I had something to do with her having high blood pressure, which is what they at the hospital thought caused the stroke.

Scott, your psychiatrist asks "what do you want me to do?" It's a real question. If you have schizophrenia, it's a real illness and the best treatment is antipsychotics medications. Do you take your meds?

In terms of housing, can you see that a supportive (mental health" housing could be a step on a path, not a final destination? When you think about it, you haven't been living independently and you haven't been supporting yourself. You've apparently been living with and being supported by your mother. So supportive housing really is not too much different in reality, from how you've been living.

Go see the social worker at the clinic for your next appointment and investigate housing options. Find out if they will help you apply, if you're eligible, for partial disability.

Remember that your mom's stroke was not your fault and that you are not equipped to diagnose what was going on. And put the chair back in place and throw the apple away. Do some straightening up and cleaning in the apartment.