My Mom (78) had a severe stroke 2 months ago and does not want me to visit her in the place she is in. Any advice?

Ok, Scott, listen. This is important. The concierge may know that you are prohibited from going to see your mother - in fact, he must know that because knowing who is allowed in and who isn't is an important part of his job. So of course he is bound to be a bit wary of you. But that does not mean that he's got anything against you personally. All he has to know is that you are not allowed in and it is his job to make sure of it.

But even if he actually liked you a lot, and perhaps felt very sympathetic to you, he STILL would not be able to let you in. He would be fired, quite rightly, for wilful negligence. So by doing you a favour he would lose his job and find it very hard to get another. How would that be fair on him?

Don't worry about his feelings one way or the other. Leaving your mother to one side, the concierge is safeguarding everybody who lives and works in that building. Let the poor man get on with his work.

Your mother, having had a severe stroke, is probably not able to open and read mail on her own: somebody will be helping her with that. I would like you to think this through. Imagine that you are responsible for looking after your mother, and flowers with a message arrive from someone who is legally prohibited from harassing her. You have to make sure that she is not upset or distressed, that's the most important thing. So what would you do?

This is what I'd do. I would show her the flowers and arrange them where she could easily see them. I would tell her that you sent them with your love. I would open your card and show her the picture. I would then read the card and read aloud to her any message that I judged would make her happy. I would NOT read aloud to her anything that would worry or upset her. And, listen, that would certainly mean that I would NOT give her any message that made her think that her son needed her help and made her feel bad for not helping him. So I would not tell her that you were begging her to contact you. Sorry. That's a definite "no."

You want to talk to your mother, of course you do, so would I; but you don't need to. You can deal with this without her. In fact, you're going to have to whether you like it or not. I know that's really hard, but it's just true.

So. It sounds as if your brother is giving you as much time as he can to get sorted out. You need to arrange somewhere to live. He's told you to contact people who can help you with that, and he's right. You also want to sort out how to look after yourself, and what to do about working and keeping yourself healthy and busy. Your social worker and the clinic can help you with that, but you need to talk to them and you need to listen to what they say. They can't do it without you.

You should stop wishing to go back to a situation that weighed far too heavily on your mother. You need to help look after her now, and you can do that best by looking after yourself so that she has no further cause to worry about you. It's time. Have a better day today. Just pick one task and get it done. It's up to you.

Also according to my brother from when I spoke to him a month ago she doesn't read any letters I send. I have only seen him 3 or 4 times when he came over here to pick up the mail and her checkbook and papers. And the time he came with the realtor and asked me not to be here. No I didn't realize you all were women about my mother's age. As you can tell I don't always read all the email that is sent. No one will call for me, there is no one for me to contact. The social worker doesn't deal with housing issues, that's the case worker, who called but I didn't return his call. The doorman hung up on me yesterday; he is on vacation and visiting his own mother upstate. And my cousin's answering machine hung up on me too, and the other one who gave me her number when I first went to see my mother when she was in the hosptial has put a block on my number. It wouldn't be too much to ask, to just call and talk to her for a minute. I have no one else to ask. I have been calling my cousin for 2 weeks trying to find out if she is going to visit my mother, and she hasn't gone. It is very hard for me to go to work thinking about all these things.

Because he probably knows a lot about me, such as the fact that there is still an order of protection my mother took out against me still in effect. I really can't explain what was going on way back in March when I went to a mental hospital for a month; but she took it out and then had it changed so that I could go back and live with her. It doesn't say that I have to stay away from her, just not harass her; I don't remember. She never went back to have it removed.

Calling the hospital would be not to find out information over the phone but to speak to her and ask her to allow me to contact her. This is ridiculous, over 2 months with no contact. She had a really bad stroke, but we spoke every day for 17 years. Every day. Even when I was in the hospital I called many times a day. Many times, starting at 7 am. It would be just to talk to her, not find anything out.

My brother came over the other night, to pick up the mail including the maintenance and other bills. He told me if I don't go and get the mental health housing, that the sheriff would come and evict me. I've not been doing anything for 2 months except going to work and pretending everything is ok, calling the hospital when they didn't know it was me.

I really don't even know if the guy at the reception will deliver those flowers and card. I really don't know, and I wrote in the letter and card begging her to call and she hasn't. I begged her.

Scott your mother will love those flowers, and she will be happy that you were able to get them for her. Well done, good work.

Don't worry about the concierge. You possibly make him a bit nervous, but it won't be that he dislikes you. Why should he?

I know it probably doesn't feel like it but you are already doing better, you know. And I think that is very good work indeed. Keep posting, please.

Scott, I'm so pleased that you saw yoursocial worker and that you brought flowers for Mom! Well done! Did she give you a copy if the form you signed?

Scott we can't call the hospital for you. It is against the law for them to tell us anything. Have you heard of the HIPPA act? They can not even tell us if she is a patient there. Does not matter if the dooman likes you or not he has a job to do and that is deliver your flowers to your mother's floor.
You did well yesterday.
You went to see the social worker so now she knows you need help. You brought flowerd and wrote a note to your mother.
Well done Now you need to start answering your phone especially if the Social Worker calls.
A very good start Scott Mom will be proud.

She didn't tell me anything. We just talked. I told her I was feeling very sad about what happened to my mother. That's all I can remember. She had me sign some kind of form. I don't even know what it had to do with. I just sit there and she types away at her computer.

I also went over to my workplace, or my former workplace, since I am only working there 2 days now. It's really slow now. I think someone told me when I started that things would get very slow right around now.

I also went over to the nursing home and bought some flowers at a store by there and dropped them off with a card to the conceirge, i think he's called. He really does not seem to like me very much. The phone in my mother's room works, I think; I got a busy signal before, but the ringer is probably off. I wanted someone here to call over there for me. No one really wanted to do that. I keep listening to the message my mother left on the answering machine the day she had the stroke. I'm well enough to go home, she said. Bring clothes and come pick me up.

Thanks again to all for responding.

Scott, what did your Social Worker tell you today? Do you have an appointment to meet with her?

Scott, I'm the one who signed off. I'm NOT angry. I'm frustrated by your lack of understanding of the right step to take despite your obvious intelligence and a chorus of mother substitute ladies here, ALL of whom are telling you what to do. CALL YOUR social worker. CALL HER TOMORROW. No one else can get you help or help you right now. You are mentally ill and need assistance.

Scott, I hope you realize that we are mostly ladies of just about your mom's age. We are telling you to do what your mom would tell you to do if she were well enough and probably in truth what she's been telling you to do for the past several years. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.

Scott I am not angry with you. How could I be? I don't know you and your actions are not affecting my life so there is no point in wasting my anger on you. Anger is a very damaging emotion and I try to avoid that. Like others on this board I want you to do something to help your self and start getting your life back on track. I am pleased to hear you are eating and taking care of personal hygiene. You know it would be fruitless to ask the nurses to ask your mother to call you. Right now it is not going to happen. if you feel too shy to ask the nurses to tell Mom you love her just ask them to tell her something like the fact that you miss her and think about her a lot. Could you do that much? Tinnitis can be very challenging but in itself is not a mental illness. If you are hearing voices that is definitely a sign that you do need treatment. What advice are the Samaritans giving you? can you call the help line that another poster suggested earlier. just talking to someone can be very reassuring ao why not give it a try. You can allways hang up if you don't like what they are telling you, but they will know what help is available to you in your emergency. Remember, no one is angry with you we are just frustrated because you are so stuck and focusing on speaking to your mother. If the stroke had killed her you would not be able to speak to her either so practice sending her good thoughts.
Why not start writing your thoughts down. You are very articulate and write well so fill up your time. Just write what is in your head then later go back and read what you have writen and pretend you are reading something someone else had written and think about what advice you would give that person.

I am not angry with you, Scott, but I am getting pretty darn close! You ask us what to do. We spend our time and energy thinking about it and telling you what to do. You keep doing what we tell you not to do and not doing what we tell you to do and then keep whining that things are not better. Think about that Scott. That would be pretty frustrating for us, wouldn't it?

You exaggerate and you don't seem willing or able to face the truth.

No one from this forum would call the facility for you. You say, "I don't know what else to do." Yes you do. We've told you. Write mother a nice note and mail it to her. Have you done that even once? See, there is something else you could do, and you are not doing it.

You say, "I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel so bad right now." Yes you do know what is wrong with you. You are mentally ill and you are facing an extremely big loss in your life. There is no disgrace in that. People who are sick need professional help -- whether they have diabetes or gout or mental problems. So get help!! To make this very simple, start with the one professional who is trying very hard to help you. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.

You say, "I need help. I need someone to talk to. I need to talk to my mother." You absolutely do need help. You do need to talk to someone, but not just any someone. You need to talk to someone who can start the process to get you help. I understand that you want to talk to your mother. But you can't. You cannot talk to your mother at this time. Please accept that, and talk to someone appropriate. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.

You say, "Not knowing where my mother is, or how she is." That is not true. You know exactly where she is. You have her address. WRITE A SHORT NOTE TO HER. You do know how she is. She is very seriously ill. She is paralyzed. She cannot deal with any drama in her life right now. You don't want to accept how she is, and who can blame you? But you do know how she is.

I am not angry with you, Scott, but I am getting very frustrated that you aren't doing what you need to be doing to help yourself.You are mentally ill but you are not stupid and you are very articulate. If you sat down with the right person you could explain yourself well, and that person would have a good starting place for getting help for you.

Here are some additional clues: The right person to talk to is NOT your apartment super. It is NOT your aunt and it is NOT your cousins. It sure as heck is NOT your boss. Talking to us may be somewhat helpful to you, so keep doing it, but it is not substitute for actually talking to someone who can help in practical ways. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.

You feel very bad. I feel very bad for you. I wish I could hug you, sit in a nice coffee shop with you eating a special pastry and drinking fancy coffee, and using a cell phone to make an appointment with your social worker as soon as possible. I wish I could do that. The closest I can come is to urge you call your social worker. You deserve help. Please take the first step to get it.

This is not true. I shower and change every day. I have been so preoccupied thinking about my mother and why she won't see me that I have become lax about everything. I have avoided doing laundry and shopping and cleaning. Maybe I over exaggerated. I eat though I keep putting off going shopping. I am shy about telling nurses to tell my mother I love her.

I have severe tinnitus or I am hearing noises, I can't be sure which. Please don't ask me to call my brother. I sometimes think that he is a big part of the reason my mother won't talk to me, as sick as she is, and she is still very sick. At one point I asked someone on this forum to call her for me. I don't know what else to do. I could call myself but I doubt they would relay a message to call me.

I just feel so bad, like so many times when I had to get up and go to work in the morning. I felt like I couldn't get up. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel so bad right now. No one to talk to, except by posting to this board or emailing the samaritans. My work schedule I can't even talk about.

Please don't be condescending or angry. No one is going to find me dead from not eating. I weigh at least 220 pounds. I am not a skinny guy. Please don't be angry with me. I need help. I need someone to talk to. I need to talk to my mother. Sitting here in this empty apartment for 2 months is making me crazy. Not knowing where my mother is, or how she is, or why she won't talk to me is too. Please don't be angry with me.

Scott you are not listening. You don't bathe or change your clothes no one wants an employee like that. If you can't get yourself together on your own get help or plenty of other people are not going to want to talk to you.
Call the social worker and do it now.
Call your brother and ask for help.
You can call the nurses station but they won't let you talk to your mother but you can ask them to give her a message. Just tell her you love her and are thinking about her and leave it at that. No questions, no whining just tell her you love her. You could even do that every day but only once. Do you understand.
Are you just going to lie there and wait for someone to come in and find you dead from not eating lying in your own filth?
You are a smart man all you need to do is make one phone call even 911 is better than nothing. You are comitting suicide by neglect is that what you want your mother to hear?
You are so unkempt by now I doubt they would even let you into the facility in that state.
Does anyone even want to sit next to you on the bus?
You are a fifty year old man and you have severe mental problems that can be treated so make Mom and us proud

I tried calling the manager. He told me he could not use me today. I also emailed him, telling him how upset I've been about my mother the last two months. I don't think he understands the part about her not talking to me.
The weather is really rainy in New York. The manager said to give him a call tomorrow. I have tried my mother's room phone several times. Someone answered the other night, around 630, told me she was in the dining area. I've looked at the website for Trump Pavilion and there is a picture of this; it looks nice. Someone who posted seemed to be familiar with this facility. Maybe they could tell me what it is like in there. I have only been over there twice right when my mother first went in.

I don't think I've ever felt this bad in my life. Only 2 days per week to work. I had called so many times from the work location. I just lie down. I feel like I can't move.

Thanks to all who responded. I am sorry one of you doesn't want to post anymore. Your posts were probably the most helpful. And you don't know about went on that night I called for the ambulance. I mean that I could have called much earlier, when she couldn't stand, or hold the phone, or talk on the phone. I should have called 911. She got better all by herself the night before; I thought nothing had happened and the hospital was over reacting. They wanted to keep her there 3 night for tests. I asked if she could go out right away. It's too late now, and I don't even know what type of stroke it was, but I think she could have been given the medicine if I had called right away.

No one to call, no one to talk to. No one to come here anymore. The poster who was signing off was just like the doorman here, my mother's niece who blocked the phone, the other neice who tells me she going to go visit my mom but doesn't, even my aunt, who is 82 years old, who just tells me she hasn't heard anything from my mother and then says goodbye. I am afraid to call the nurse's station and ask to speak to her.

That is bad news, Scott, I agree. What a shame.

Well. When one door closes, another one opens. This is what you should do. Call your social worker, and tell her? him? what has happened. Your social worker will be glad to help you find other occupation to fill up the time that your manager is having to cut back on.

The reason it's best not to hassle your manager is that if he is having to reduce staff hours this is not a good time to piss him off or give him a hard time - you'll just make things worse. You ought to be talking to your social worker anyway, so put in a call. Don't be negative about it, either. There may not be anything else straight away, but so what? You still won't have lost anything. Best of luck, let us know how you get on.

I got some really bad news yesterday. The manager at the location is cutting my workdays down from 5 to 2. I don't know what I am going to do. Work helped me not think about my mother so much. Being around people did the same thing. Maybe I should just go over there and see if he will put me on today. He said it was because things were slow there and Enterprise, their customer, didn't want to pay to have more people. This is really going to make me crazy now.

Scott, talk to the social worker.

Scott, I'm signing off on answering your posts. You are taking no actions to help yourself.

Your mom had a stroke. You didn't cause it.
Your mom wasn't given the clot busting drug ( neither was my mom). We're not doctors.
Your family and friends get upset when you call them repeatedly. THIS you have control of.
You're not taking calls from your brother and social worker, the two people who can help you.

You don't seem to desire constructive advice or direction, so I'll not waste my breath giving you any. I wish you well.

Scott, I believe that chest pains in a man your age and under stress should be taken seriously. Please check into ER if they continue or any other unusual symptoms appear. Be sure to let us know how you are.

Agree with CM. Too many calls will put people off. Answering your brother's calls might give you the info about your mother that you want. On the other hand I guess you are so angry at him you don't want to talk to him. You know, what happened to your mum as all that has ensued is not his fault. It is not your fault, it is not anyone's fault. Stuff happens. What matters after that is how we deal with it. The ball is in your park.

Scott, the trouble - as I think you mainly realise - is the number of calls you put through to people. I've been on the receiving end of this, some while back, and I can tell you from experience that you do get pretty jumpy once the same person has called you two dozen times in a row.

I expect you are right about the stress making you feel chest pain - it probably is literally the tension of the situation. Do you ever practise any breathing exercises? They can be really good for making you slow down and feel calmer.

I also have been having some chest pains, maybe from all the stress of what has happened. just bring a cheap free cell phone and try to call either my mother or someone who is going to see her. No one really seems to go see her, though I am sure my brother goes several times a week. And the stroke was so bad. I only have a couple of telephone numbers that were given of my cousins from the hospital, and one of them has had my cellphone blocked, she is so angry with all my calling.

No I haven't talked to the social worker. Thanks for all the replies. I have been looking at some stories about the tpa drug. Very few people get it and it is the only thing that can be given to a stroke victim. I am going to work now. I forget about a lot of things if I am working. It's a little hard as I think I hurt my leg a little bit and have to run around moving cars all day. I tried calling my mother's room last night around 630 and someone did answer and told me she was in the dining area. Maybe it was another patient; she shares a room. It just seems to crazy that I haven't spoken to her in over 2 months. The doorman no longer answers his phone or door if I ring. I don't want to bother my mother at all; I didn't think the phone in her room even worked. I think I'll just go to work and try to think about what I'll do or who I'll call later. I wasn't even sure what the doorman said on the phone the other day; my brother has to say it is ok in order for me to speak to my mother? He started to get very angry, what with all the calling and this whole situation. He is also guyanese so it is hard to understand him.

Scott, have you talked to your social worker?

Someday you may be able to help others going through similar things...I think all of us on here are here because first we needed help, then we wanted to give something back. If you don't know good ways to look up agencies or programs locally that could help you, people on here will even help with that. You can private message if you don't feel comfortable sharing where you live, etc...

I know we are technically "strangers" here but keep posting and at some point, it will feel more like you are among friends that you just haven't met face to face yet. This is tough stuff. I wish for your sake your brother would consent to give you a little update just once a week without you having to beg and obsess. But yeah, you do have to focus some on "getting on with it" - and you probably should have your own mentor or social work person who helps you navigate the rough waters of taking care of yourself and living independently on your own.

Hi Scott. Your situation in certainly a very depressing one. You haven't thought about aging, or your mother getting ill at the age she is, and you not being able to live with her any more. There are things that are causing you anxiety - not being able to see your mother, not being able to live with her any more, not knowing what is happening with her, not having anywhere to live shortly, not having enough money to support yourself and more.

Some of what has happened is entirely out of your hands and you can do nothing to change it. You won't talk to your brother although he is the one in charge of your mother's business and may be able to give you some news about her.

But there are things that you can do to reduce your anxiety. You have come to get support here. Many of us are here because we do not have much support for our situations in other places either. Can you pick one thing which would help you and work on that?

You are grieving the loss of your mum's company and support and it is a big loss. I am so sorry, Scott, that you are going through this. It sounds like your father was a very accomplished man. No point in rehashing the "should have's" and "if only's". You can only do whatever you can today.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Do you know how to work the washing machine? One thing you could do is deal with the laundry so that your mother's clothes are clean for her to wear again. Maybe the doorman could take them over for you.

Since you don't know what else to do, start small. And by the way if you don't know how to deal with laundry, come back and ask and we can talk you through it.

Scott, what you are doing is called rumination. There are antidepressants that can help with this. What you can DO is call the clinic. Please leave your mother in peace!

I don't know what to do. I am very unhappy with what has happened here. Right here in this apartment. I just come back and put out the light and go to sleep. I don't want to be apart from my mother. I know how she is. She will have to do everything with her right hand now. She can't walk. I can't think about anything else except my mother. I can't explain what has happened. I know she had a stroke. A really bad stroke. All her things are right here. Everything is the way she left it. I want to talk to her and my brother isn't letting me. That's what the doorman says. It's very hard to understand him. He is an immigrant from Guyana and lives in a studio apartment with his wife and two small children. I think they have it divided up into 2 rooms somehow. No I never thought anything about this, or what I was going to do. My grandmother lived to be 98 years old. She was on my paternal side. She lived in her own apartment up until 94 or 95. I never thought anything about this. Never.

The friend of my mother, and that's what he was, he has been working here for 21 years. And she has been in the building since 1986. I think that's 28 years. I had to correct that. I am getting old too. I never realized it, or ever even thought about it.

The doorman was very upset. I had called him many many times, and left many messages. He said he doesn't want to get in the middle of this. He called her up to see if he could visit.

It's going on 3 months now. My mother's clothes are all still in the same place. All the laundry is still in the cart where she left it.

And I can't even talk to her? And I have to talk to strangers over the internet? To have somebody to talk to? To tell how I went to the pizza place where I used to go with my mother all the time? And to the store we used to go to? I can't even talk to her? She s handicapped and going to be a cripple for the rest of her life? Her brain was damaged? She probably couldn't tell you how old I am? I picked her off the floor after she was lying there for I don't know how long and made some terrible sounds? This has happened and I can't even talk to her? The social worker all she says is when she's ready? She won't even tell me if she gets medication? They don't even have my name down on the list so I can get medical information?

Scott, they say that regretting something you've done in the past is the next best thing to not having done it. There's nothing you can do about what has already happened, been and gone, and therefore there is no point in just punishing yourself for it. I'm not saying there's nothing to regret. What I'm saying is that the only useful thing you can do with all of the things you feel badly about is learn from them, try to see what made you act as you did, and avoid repeating the same mistakes.

I can see your cousin's point of view about your aunt, can't you? Don't call your aunt again. But how do you normally get on with your cousin? Is she somebody you can talk to?

Okay. You don't want to talk to your brother. You don't want to be taken care of by the state. I realise that you want to talk to your mother and go back to living peacefully with her, but you know - you know for certain, don't you - that that is simply impossible. It's just the same as if she isn't here any more. You know, too, that most children at some stage have to face their parents' dying before they do. You were always going to have to face up to losing your mother's support at some point.

Now, of course that hasn't happened yet. I really am hopeful that your mother will recover somewhat and be able to enjoy the rest of her retirement living somewhere where she'll be taken care of. It's not impossible that at some stage she will be well enough for you to visit her, though there is no knowing when that might be. But you know that she is now too old, and too frail, to go back to how things were before. So you know that your life is going to be different.

So, again, if you don't want help from the state or from your brother, you're going to have to make plans for yourself. You have plenty of time to do this. It probably doesn't seem like it at the moment, but years from now there is no reason why you shouldn't have an independent life where you feel content and comfortable. It's just that it's going to be very hard work getting there. Where do you think you might start?