My mom is 100% disabled and I want nothing to do with her anymore. I have power of attorney and have asked her to revoke it, but she said no. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

My mom is 100% disabled and I want nothing to do with her anymore. I have power of attorney and have asked her to revoke it, but she said no. What can I do?

Follow
Share

She said that I am stuck with her. She uses the POA against me to try to get me to do anything she wants. Some of the things she asked for are delusional. She has attempted to make me call the cops to tell them that someone broke in when in reality, no one did and it is all in her head. Currently, she is trying to make me harass her attorney for divorce papers. I already sent him numerous emails, but that's not enough. She is taking over my life. She started crying because I told her I was going to go to school. Then she called my aunt and told her that she was going to kill herself. I feel she is doing everything to manipulate me. If I could get emancipated I would (I'm 28). I want nothing to do with her anymore.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
20

Answers

Show:
I think you misunderstand what a power of attorney document is and isn't. So does your mother.

Did you and your mother have this document drawn up by a lawyer and was it filed with the county? If so, ask the lawyer how to go about resigning as PoA.

Your mother sounds a though she is mentally ill. Is she seeing any doctors for her agitation and unhappiness with her life? Can you encourage her to seek out a psychiatrist?

Being POA for your mother means that you can perform actions such as signing checks and entering into contracts with her approval. It does not mean you have to do everything she tells you to. Just say no if she asks you to do something dangerous or an action based on a false belief.

Are you living with her? I assume that you were joking about emancipation. You cannot be held there against your will. Go to school, find employment and move out.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report

Why do you need to get emancipated at 28? Just walk away and don't answer calls.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Take the advice here - resign your POA. Notify social services that she is a vulnerable adult and that you can no longer take care of her. Move out and make something of your life - your mom sounds like a monster.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

She does not have to revoke the POA. You can resign. State that in writing and send copies to the lawyer, your mother, and the providers who are pressuring you.

I think just walking out would be neglect, whether you have POA or not. If you have been providing care your should see that she has another source of care before leaving the situation. Or engage someone else to take on that responsibility. You truly are not stuck with her.

I recall a while back on these forums a daughter who wanted her mother out of her house. Mother said, "You'd have to bodily take me out kicking and screaming." Well that can be arranged. Going through the eviction process will result in a sheriff bodily removing her if necessary. She wasn't as "stuck with" her mother as she at first thought.

I realize that this is a different situation than yours, but the principle is the same: no one is permanently stuck with another person.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Resign from being POA as Jeanne mentions above. She will have to appoint someone else.

Does she live with you or the other way around? If she does, the first consideration for me would be where else she can live.

She is very manipulative and mentally ill and needs to be cared for by professionals. Please contact your local agency for aging and social services as Kimber suggests.   Go ahead and go to school. Do what is good for you. You deserve your own life and not to be burdened with the care of a mentally ill person. If she threatens to kill herself or acts out in other ways you can call 911 and have her taken to hospital and then refuse to have her back saying that you cannot care for her. Then they are obliged to place her where she can get suitable care which probably includes medications to help her.

I will underscore that a POA, or anyone for that matter, does not have to cater to the whims of a mentally ill parent.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Agulee, I can really relate to what you are going through. My mother-in-law has BPD, and I'm familiar with the manipulation. It worked on me for a long time, until I understood the power I had in the situation.

As others have said, POA is not what your mother thinks it is. It gives you the authority to act in certain matters on her behalf, but it is not a teather. You can resign at any time.

I'm assuming your mother is relatively young, based on your age. Aside from her mental illness, is she physically fit? Is she able to hold down a job, or receive some kind of disability income, or otherwise financially support herself? What is her functioning level in the world? Can she shop for her own groceries, make her own meals, pay her own bills, etc?

People with BPD are what some have called "insecurely attached," and have major abandonment issues, so they use various forms of emotional manipulation to control other people. You have to try to see the situation as clearly as you can, based on your own eyes, and not her clouded description of things. Right now, she is driving the bus from the backseat. You have to realize that you have control of the driver's seat, and can plot your own direction.

I highly recommend that you start seeing a therapist who has worked with adult survivors of childhood trauma. One term that may be useful for you to know, is "Complex-PTSD." You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself within the relationship with your mother. People with BPD who have not gotten treatment will run right over all reasonable boundaries. Luckily, you can learn the skill of identifying, setting, and enforcing boundaries.

There's a very good support group for adult children of borderline parents on Reddit, called RaisedByBorderlines. You can talk to a lot of people who have lessened or cut off contact with a parent with BPD. Here's a link: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/

You may also want to check out two websites called "Out of the Fog," and "Out of the Storm." The key to your freedom is understanding that you already own the right to claim it. If your mother is not capable of caring for herself, you may have to arrange caregiving for her before you can lessen contact or cut things off for good, if that's what you choose. But, you are not her slave, and do not have to cater to her every paranoid thought. If she threatens to kill herself, call 911 (emergency services if you are not in the U.S.) and let them take her to a mental health facility. What she needs is mental health treatment, which I'm sure she's resistant to if she has BPD.

My mother-in-law made all kinds of threats about us limiting contact, and used every trick in the BPD playbook to try to manipulate my husband and I. Once we understood that we had power over our own lives, we were able to make decisions that were supportive of our own health and well being. You are allowed to choose what is best for your health and well being too.

My mother-in-law is probably a lot older than your mother, and we were able to place her in a nursing home where she is well cared for. My husband could finally breathe for the first time in 40 years. Don't wait that long. Use your POA to get her care if you need to, then go and live your life.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

If your mother threatens you or physically harms you, call the police. Start a paper trail with your local police.  This is not unlike living with a violent spouse.  Also ensure that you have some witnesses who can attest to the behavior, and they should be "disinterested" parties. You might want to video some of the behavior, though I am not clear on the legality of using such video unless the subject is aware of the taping. Still there are ways of utilizing the video even if not in court. What I am concerned about is what happened to my mother's care-givers. Mom called 911 and accused them of hitting her. The police called at 2:30 am and I had to talk the police down from arresting the caregivers. I shudder to think that you might be accused with nobody to protect you from arrest, and I am aware from my own years of directly taking care of Mom that the police are looking for evidence of elder abuse.  They are not looking for or even thinking about the opposite situation.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Here's a particular page from the Out of the Fog website that you might want to check out:

http://outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/unchosen-relationships

Here's a great page they have on setting boundaries:

http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this horrible h*ll. You are being abused. I shudder to think how many decades this could possibly continue. Please save yourself and keep us posted. A 28-year old deserves parenting support as they are establishing their life, not this burden.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I realize that emancipation is not possible. I want nothing to do with her anymore. My family, her and her providers are making her my responsibility and I just can't do it. My mom has PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and many other issues mental and physical. Furthermore, I have POA, if I just walk away it can be considered neglect.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions